The Journal of Bashir Khatara

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 15th, IY 7788

Atticus gave me a muffin! It was an eldritch muffin! Which just means that it was a muffin, but eldritch... I don't really know what eldritch means. I think it's some vague notion of otherworldliness. Lots of things come from other worlds! Like chickens, of late... If there's a world of muffins, Samton should probably not hear about it, because that would mean the end of both him and that world!

I got my sticker for voting! It was violet. I like violet, and I like violets. Which is named after which? I wonder the same about oranges, sometimes. I wonder about colors a lot...

Hypatia said that there's a star for every wish. I wish so often, that if that is true, then I've probably created a badjillion gadjillion stars... Do the stars resemble the wish, or are they just kind of random, like aspects...? Aspects and stars are vaguely related, so maybe the latter. I've also wished that I could visit a star a few times, so, I think I've created a few tautological stars... If tautological just means "contextually repetitive"... Which it is what it means to me!

There was some sort of saltman who was causing trouble...? I don't really get it. I'd just throw water at any troublesome saltmen! A dwarf pointed out that the water should be hot, and that is a good point! Now, the existence of saltmen is really troublesome, because now when I'm having breakfast, I'm not sure if my salt is regular salt, or if it was unethically sourced from saltmen! Maybe I can just kind of forget about it. I like forgetting things. Sometimes... I don't like forgetting about my laundry when something distracts me, though, then they get too soaked, and then I have nothing to wear for the nightly dabke!

Also, someone left their boulder at the customs office... If you're strong enough to carry a boulder around, you shouldn't be lazy about it, because if you get too lazy, you'll lose those hard-earned muscles, and then you can't carry any boulders around, and if you get really lazy, you won't even be able to carry a rock around! I don't really get these boulder aficionados, but then again, I carry bijoux with me at all times, so, maybe I shouldn't be judging them for their strange hobbies...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 16th, IY 7788

What should me and Pirouz have for dinner this weekend...? Pide or lahmacun...? Emmanuel said pide! But I like both so much... So does Pirouz... What a conundrum! We could have both, if it were not for the ongoing feud between the pide and lahmacun vendors! Hiding one in a bag, and buying the second as well is not an option, because everyone can identify both by their delicious aromas, even such bitter enemies... I guess I'll vote for pide. I kind of feel like having something delightfully cheesy...

Someone yelled about seeing the ghost of Domhnall, and soon, he appeared in Akna's office! He wasn't a ghost, though. And he was surprisingly sober! After his last office meeting, he held a speech at the Pyramid's stairs... It was so weird! He announced that he was leaving, and then he got garbed in this really weird outfit, and threw a smoke bomb at himself. Because he threw it at himself, instead of the ground, everyone could see him, he was just smoky... Then he ran away with the help of speed magicks, like usual. I don't know where he went!

Apparently he had been living in a shack out in the dunes for all these weeks...? Just getting high on dirt and reading books...? It's weird. He's weird. This is all so weird... I never got to tell him that Ibn Ghalish voted for Sephidra instead of him! Oh well! I'm sure he'll be... I was going to write happy, but no, he's going to be really, really, really sad, doing dirt, somewhere!

Hazezon's been back in town for a few days, and so, he held his usual race for his vote. I unfortunately missed it, but I do know who won... Who? Richo, of course! The fastest man in the Well, and probably the whole Disc. I can barely keep track of Richo, anymore, that's how fast he moves, so, as long as he's around, he's going to win each and every foot race there is. He might not win an ashsail race, though. I wish we had those!

Some Lily Leaguer was bringing up a bunch of old history on the bellows... She remembered a lot of really ancient stuff! Then she hired Alejandro to make a People's History of Historic Ephian People, or something like that... I can't wait to read it, because it's going to basically be historical gossip, instead of boring stuff, like camel statistics. The Lily Historian is paying Alejandro with a lot of money, and a talking cloak! How wondrous! Oh, and Alejandro's also the Acting Legate, now! I think if you're an artsy type, we make you the Acting Legate, instead of the Interim-Legate... Makes perfect sense to me!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 17th, IY 7788

Some granny called me her child! She was a human, so that makes absolutely no sense, whatsoever! She was really rude about my prism services, too... The work pays well, but the downside is that some people don't get just how wild the aspectral energies are! I'm surprised that I haven't gotten some requests for aspects that don't even exist! Like the Wolverine, or the Grouchy Hermit, or the Tasselled Wobbegong! Those are definitely not aspects!

I went on an archaeological trek to Nusrum, with Alejandro, Azaghal, Khalid and Rur Aksa! So many ruins are full of spooky ghosts, and I don't like it... They make all sorts of scary noises, and sometimes, when a ghost manages to touch me, I feel so tired afterwards, and I just want to go to bed, but I can't, because there's important pieces of history to uncover! If I was a ghost, I certainly wouldn't spend my time in some dirty ruin... I'd haunt a flower garden, instead!

There was a fashion show, and a beach vacation, and I wasn't invited to either, so I felt like crying... And I did shed a few tears... Then I found out that there was no beach vacation, because it was all a hallucination, because nothing they told me about the supposed trip made any sense, except that Mevura was a spoilsport! I guess even in hallucinations there has to be an element of truth... I mean, they told me that someone named Pook Ulbo took them on a magic carpet ride! That's just nonsense, nobody named Pook Ulbo has ever existed! Marcellus and Eclair need to drink more fluids, stay to the shade, and rest more...

Also, I don't care about the fashion show, anymore, because I'm going to host my own! I just need to plan for it... I think six months is enough time for that! Yeah! It'll be grand, I'll do some designs myself, and then ask people to show me their absolute best styles! Of course, there is a chance that in half a year, the world will have ended, so we'll be doing the show in some cave, and there'll only be loincloths, which will be just fine if the only other survivors are strapping lads! Which there is a very low probability for, because at the end of the world, there is nothing to eat, so everyone will be whisper thin...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 18th, IY 7788

I helped Alejandro with some legislature... Neither it, nor the change to licensure that he suggested, ended up sticking in any way, and the latter almost caused a civil war, again! I told them to talk to Frederica first, but they wouldn't listen... All he got from his temporary position was some annoyance, and another law that shall be never be written upon the Stele... despite containing the absolute truth... as a memento!

Apparently Zain gets so focused in his work, that sometimes he just makes stuff that he doesn't really understand... Like this bow that had strange runes on it, that neither he himself, nor anyone else could read! Well, I guess it isn't necessarily about focus... It could be the fumes. There's a lot of fumes down at the labs... One time, I sniffed them a bit too long, and I saw a color that was between orange and purple, but wasn't a combination of them, it was just between them differently... That was weird. Oh, and also, Emmanuel gave me a fireball necklace. It's a necklace... with a fireball inside...? I guess I can throw it at someone if I'm in danger. Kind of pretty, though, so that'd be kind of a waste...

Martin's a troubled soul, but in the end, he's also a sweetheart! He's going to buy a Tlonsiyyan kettle for me and Pirouz, if we move in together... Now, I really would like a new kettle, but I still want to take things slow, since all of my previous relationships have been way too hasty! So, I'll just have to be patient... That kettle is really tempting, though! Martin's even more scatterbrained than me, though, so he probably won't remember tomorrow... Oh well... It's the thought that counts.

There's an Apothar named Lemon Peel? And Mevura's sister is called Tangerine...? I think the Astronomers might be obsessed with citrus... I don't blame them, most of my favorite fruits are citruses! I like oranges, lemons, limes, pomelos, tangerines, bergamots, clementines, grapefruits, sudachis, makruts, kumquats, lumias, and limettas! I probably forgot a few, but oh well...

The new Legate is Gausim! He's already made a few strange deals, and he seems kind of temperamental in private, so I have to be careful around him, I suppose... He doesn't seem insane, though, so that's a positive change. I'll just have to get used to him and find out what he's all about, in truth... Now, apparently Domhnall forgot to forward all that eel oil to wherever he's living, now, so it's still coming to the First Seat's office. It stinks so bad! Kroggnought tried some on his finger, and he smelled awful for the rest of the day...

There was some crazy nudist dwarf running around, declaring himself to be the king of High Kulkund, swinging his dingledongle around for everybody to see... It was horrible! He also destroyed various signs, even useful ones, and then, he destroyed the Complete Works of Asterabadi that was at the Sandstone, the signed copy that I perused once... Well, I read the foreword... parts of it... the first paragraph... the first sentence... Even that was really boring! While philosophy might be completely and utterly dull, you shouldn't destroy it, because that'll just make boring people really sad!

Also... Pook Ulbo is real?! The beach vacation actually happened...? I'm really sad now...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 19th, IY 7788

Yesterday had so much confusing waiting around, that I'm having a hard time recollecting what actually happened! Well, I don't remember what happened during that waiting, I do remember things beyond that... Oh yeah, Richo brought Massoud for a visit to Akna's office. He's healthier now, but seems like kind of a sleepy pupper... I think he takes naps in Richo's backpack, which is probably because Richo's carrying a lot of chicken around, so, Massoud can reach for a quick snack between naps!

I finished my first big craft project, and gave the socks to Narwen... I hope the kids like them! I managed to make twelve pairs, which isn't that impressive since they were tiny socks for tiny people... I don't know how many pairs I could've managed if they were for, say, adult stonefolk...? I really need to try making scarves, next! I'm just kind of terrified that I'll mess it up and it'll be just a waste of yarn... But you can't get better if you don't try! Oh, and I also managed to give Narwen the exact aspect that she likes, so, there is that! I wonder if it was mere chance, or if the aspectral energies were feeling particularly favorable...? Do aspects have feelings...?

Anyhow... I had that dinner with Pirouz. It was absolutely delicious! I had my pide with cheese, eggs and sujuk... He had his with cheese, spinach and onions... I gave him a taste of mine, and he gave me a taste of his! I think I liked mine better... I just love eggs with cheese, it's such a delicious combination! Anyhow, we had so much to talk about! Especially when we started looking over this brochure from Hanahara... They have such a massive selection that it boggles the mind! It does make me wonder, however... Can you be the biggest and the best...? I mean, some other seller probably has finer quality shahtoosh than they do, because they specialized in it...? Or did Hanahara corner that market, too? Oh, well... I have such a good feeling about me and Pirouz, though!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 20th, IY 7788

Horatio Servario's latest plan was just weird... I took some blueprints that Caster gave to me, and brought them over to Zain, but that malicious Don Honey had booby trapped them with fireworks! Booby trap is a funny word. Anyhow, Zain just took them outside to the mount, and the fireworks were set off completely harmlessly... It was really, really, really beautiful!

I don't even know what this plan was supposed to accomplish...? If Zain hadn't noticed the trap, then those fireworks would've shot into his eyes, and I don't think that would've improved his chances of developing romantic feelings... As for me, fireworks are highly distracting, and if it was supposed to make me kiss Zain, or something like that, then I am obviously incapable of doing that while I am focusing on the pretty explosions!

Also... Gaius doesn't believe that Pirouz exists! What a jerk! Maybe if he wasn't stuck at that reception desk for all eternity, obviously as punishment for some moronic thing he did, then maybe, just maybe, he could catch a glimpse of the handsome man that I am seeing! What an asshole! Now I feel like never letting him see Pirouz, just to spite him! Oh, right, I don't even have to do anything, because he's glued to that fucking desk!

Eclair, Stern and Zol Nur were on the hunt for some possibly possessed furniture, so we went around town... I was there simply because I was really curious! Anyhow, their investigation led to my home, which would've been a nice occasion, if it weren't for Eclair! She declared that my tastefully decorated couch had an aura of evil, and proceeded to destroy it with a knee kick, full of zealous smitery! My couch was ruined!

As an apology, she bought me a new one, thankfully... Which, with the help of her and Hypatia, was consecrated through the use of holy waters, hallowed oils and humble rituals! Even the upholstery was carefully chosen to be as sacred as possible, so, it carries a lotus pattern! Now my new couch is most righteous, and no oathsworn will ever kick it into a pile of splinters... Hopefully.

Kroggnought got an eyepatch...? His eye is fine. It's just one of those dumb fashion choices that people make occasionally... I don't want to be too judgmental of him, but having an eyepatch without an actual eye injury is really, really, really dumb. Imagine if people went around on crutches because they thought it was fashionable, or removed both of their feet for the maximal pegleggitude, just because their sense of fashion is horribly warped! He better not wear that thing at Assemblies!

I was going to complain about missing another beach vacation, but it pales in comparison to the pain felt by the mother who lost her daughter to Stern's disease... It is simbly horrid, and I don't know what to think, or do. She was collecting signatures for a petition so that Stern could be put on trial for the meteor, and I didn't have the heart to tell her that it will never happen, because she has amnesty... And I'm not sure if I should feel guilt, as well, because I really didn't know what the baublium was for, until the very last moments...

How many sins can be forgiven due to ignorance, if any at all...?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 21th, IY 7788

They have doomed the Disc.

That's what it feels like, anyhow. Maybe they have an extremely convoluted plot hidden behind a thousand different ones... Yet they handed the keys to fate to someone who might just throw them down a crevice, just to see the looks of anguish on everyone else's faces, all the while laughing at their idiocy.

And Zain... I don't know what to do. I'm just watching him burn, and I've no words or deeds to quench his suicidal streak. Others don't simply care at all, or they come to me, and begin piling the responsibility atop my back, as if I were capable of doing anything at all. Either they overestimate me to a profound degree, or they are deeply sadistic. Perhaps both...

Loving someone so utterly broken is easy. Getting them love themselves to the same extent is where it gets difficult.

I spent the night at the office. Tonka hated it. But I didn't feel safe at home. Another repulsive incident, so it reeked of sulfur there. I'm going to burn a ton of incense, and douse every inch of the place in perfume... But that's all besides the point. I don't know what the Tormented could want with me, or if it even was them, but I suppose some might be right when they presumed that the reason was that I have Marcellus for a neighbor, and I just got caught in their fracas.

I hope I don't have to move again... There aren't any real options, either. Every place's taken, except for that absolute dreadful hovel behind the Glaziers... I don't want to live there. I don't think anyone does.

I don't know if I want to live here.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 22nd, IY 7788

I was just going through my daily routine, checking the state of the treasury at the Chamber of Rule, when I noticed that Martin was playing around with the lever! He just kept pulling it, nonstop! Martin does that a lot... he just gets stuck in these... loops... where he just keeps doing something... It's so weird! The worst thing was that he got me stuck in his loop as well, because he broke the damn lever, and then, for some baffling reason, my key wouldn't work on the doors! I genuinely have no clue how he manages to do these things...

I kept thinking about these convoluted schemes to get out of there, but in the end, simply yelling at the door was enough to garner Frederica's attention, and she just opened the door... But can you really blame me...? Nothing is usually so simple with Martin, so the obvious solutions seem kind of pointless. Also... I really don't want to yell at him, but he started blaming me for getting him stuck there, and then he started lying to Frederica to shift the blame... He's a terrible liar, too... He said that my voice got the door stuck! That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, and unlike Martin, I am confined by the laws of reality!

It's so hard not to be angry with him! Anyone who wonders why I yell at him so much has never interacted with him for longer than five seconds... Anyhow... I do have to admit that Martin is fascinating! I could probably become an academic of great renown if I attended the Sandstone, and wrote my thesis about him! Then again... would anyone believe me...? Actually, I think such a thesis would have better luck among the Astronomers, but I don't know magick, so... I think I'll just write about Martin as a hobby... Which I'm doing right now!

However, I think I can forgive Martin for that, at least, because later on, he held a dance party at the Pyramid... He invited an avant-garde pianist from Baz'eel, and everything! The funky rhythm was on display, from hither to yonder, and I got to dance at work, for once! If I could make dancing my job, I'd be the happiest man alive... Anyhow, it was really fun, plenty of folk got down with their slightly worse personae... but then Mevura had to go and ruin everything, like usual! Spoiling a party is one of the gravest sins, so I hope he knows that! Kroggnought punched him! I don't like it when people get punched, but he did deserve that...

I didn't get to keep the piano... It would've looked so grand in my stately abode! I didn't even get to take the comfy piano chair home, because I'm pretty sure Eclair and Mevura absconded with it, because they have trust issues with furniture... which is just weird! Did their parents make them sit on the floor, or something...? Because I had to do that and I grew up just fine! Regarding furniture, anyhow...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 23rd, IY 7788

Some trio of necromancers was raising an army of undead out in the dunes, but Alejandro and Lightdew defeated it, along with the wicked triumvirate! Then, Alejandro turned into a bear, and carried the three lunkheads into the garrison... Where they proceeded to kill themselves. Sometimes there is no justice to be had at all! Anyhow, I'm surprised that Alejandro can turn into a bear, though, because he isn't really the bear type... I think an otter would suit him better, but then he couldn't have carried three necromancers, unless it was a colossal sea otter, which is probably something that actually lived during ancient times, because back then, everything was bigger! Even cute otters!

A wizard kidnapped me and some others into his burgus... Apparently, a burgus is a really boring room, with absolutely no decorations, and it's kind of shaped like a throat lozenge! We had some wine, and tried coming up with all sorts of plans to get out of there, but in the end, it was Xon that saved the day! He turned into a door, and we jumped inside him, to get out... It was really gross! Especially when Xon arrived on the other side, too, because he had turned inside out, and there was blood, and guts, and I almost vomited, but I don't vomit that easily these days because I've seen a lot of fucked up shit so my tolerance for said fucked up shit is really, really, really high! I think. Xon's completely fine now, though.

Anyhow, Maddicus was there too...? I'm not sure. It might've been an illusionary Maddicus... He stabbed himself and disappeared...? I mean, I didn't see him at work, so I'm kind of worried...? But nobody else seems to be worried, so maybe it really was just an illusion...? I hope so, even though he is an absolutely insane wreck these days...

Then, later, some crazy lady was attempting to malign our uniforms on the bellows! So, I went downstairs, ready to have a stern talking to with her... but I simply couldn't take her seriously after I actually saw her! She was garbed in this absolutely hideous hunting attire, probably something that she stole from her grandma, or whatever, so I just started laughing and walked away... But then she kept going on and on, and then she basically called me an oversized canary! Nobody calls me an oversized anything! Especially not someone who's so unhealthily thin that that the wind could carry them away! So, I went back, to yell at her...

Turns out that she was an archmage or something...? She took off her horrid leather garb, and revealed this absolutely fabulous gown in a show of wondrous luminary magicks, and it was was so mesmerizingly fashionable that I could not keep my eyes off it! Well, that's not entirely true... I was highly distracted by her arm-length metallic gloves, which were such an affront, such a faux pas, such a travesty, that I simply couldn't stand for it! You have this wondrously gorgeous gown, and you ruin it with such an obvious mistake...? It must be the mage part of her persona, interfering with her attempts at being a fashionista...

Anyhow, she proceeded to animate a trench coat, which started attacking me! With the help of one of the Fourth, I was able to defeat it! Meanwhile, she had disappeared... So, I just carried the ugly coat all the way to the Tower... Richo joined me on the way there! We had to ring the bell a gadjillion badjillion times before Stern showed up! During the wait, the coat attacked us again! Then once Stern got there, a third attack... And Richo also got dressed in the coat, for some reason, and he was possessed, and he almost punched me! I don't know why he did that...?

And Stern's advice for dealing with the highly dangerous and highly hideous trench coat...? Just to burn it with a torch! I don't get magick! Sometimes the solution is extremely convoluted, sometimes it's really simple. If I knew that I could've just burned it, I wouldn't have bothered with going to the Mount... I would've just thrown it into a fireplace! Anyhow, Richo torched the coat. It's just a pile of ash, now... Good riddance!

The Well certainly has a lot of insane mages! I often envy the gift of magick, but when I see what mages end up doing with it, and how their sanity seems to eventually begin dwindling... they can keep it to themselves!

Also... Tonka leaped on my face and woke me up! So, I figured I might as well go for a walk to tire myself out again, and maybe eat something, but I really should stop trying to eat at the Hall of Jurisprudence, since it isn't actually that quiet there that often! This time, there was a ghost trial there. The accused was a ghost! We had a new prosecutor from Baz'eel, and everything, and it was such a confusing case, because the ghost kept producing these ancient documents, as if they were still in force after a thousand years or however long. In the end, the ghost was guilty of trespassing on the Disc after his time, and he was exorcised by the prosecutor. I don't get why we had to even pretend that the ghost had rights, because he wasn't even a friendly ghost!

Why was yesterday so particularly weird...?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 24th, IY 7788

Sublime Prosecutor al-Hadiim is a curious lady! She has dealt with ghost crime before... Supposedly it's common enough that there's a proper procedure for it, and everything! If I was a ghost, I wouldn't waste my time doing crime, I'd read books instead, and see all the flowers of the world, and in general, spend my unlife being really productive... Then again, I wouldn't want to be a ghost, because ghosts don't know love, and they seem really lonely!

Speaking of crime... Caster's childhood village sounds really weird about it! They had this hog, that they called a "Skympe", or something, and the local kids would chase it, after which it would start chasing them, and it was also supposed to form the basis of their justice system for juvenile crime... That's just odd. It sounds like it would just teach people to run away from authority figures...? And to see them as pigs...? I hope Caster doesn't do that with one of the Fourth...

What were ancient bookstores like? Apparently, those existed during colossi times... Did they have books of varying sizes? Some colossi-sized, some human-sized, some ogre-sized, some halfling-sized...? That sounds like such a hassle! Were the ancient booksellers as curmudgeonly as Rashid? I hope not... I wish I could visit an ancient bookstore! I would read all the romantic novelettes, and learn of colossi love... It must've been colossal in size!

Richo gave me some bee mead... Beead... It was so tasty! I understood the importance of his quest before, but now I understand it even better! Richo must find the Biggest Bee, for the sake of the Disc, and for the sake of tasty, tasty mead! Now, is mead a wine...? Is it a honey wine...? I think it's a honey wine. From now on, I'm going to have some every now and then, as part of a healthy breakfast!

Maddicus is crazier than ever before! Now he wants to destroy the Torchbearers! He also said that he has killed a thousand peasants, but I'm not sure if that was said just for the sake of provocation... He called Eclair a "puta". I don't know what a "puta" is? Is it a pudding? I think it's a pudding. Anyhow, he also has crazy mood swings with me, a lot, sometimes he's really friendly, other times he's really confrontational and basically hates me... I'm so glad that I don't have to work with him that often! What a creepy asshole!

Also, the Fourth took Selsi's shoes...? Everybody was at the garrison to see them returned...? I mean, I like shoes, but it's still a weird thing to go gawk at... I was there just because I thought something of importance was happening! Instead it was just fancy shoes... Okay?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 25th, IY 7788

Pirouz's parents seem rather overbearing... They constantly send him letters telling him to return home! Well, I guess it's not really that overbearing when you consider how utterly insane Ephia's Well is... I'm kind of conflicted, really. I don't know if I should be... But right from the start, we've both tried to not take this too seriously. Perhaps for the same reasons, I'm not sure... I just don't want to hurt him, or myself, even if it's kind of unavoidable, when it comes to love... Will I cry if he leaves? Probably. Will it be the end of the world? Probably not... Is it awful that I'm thinking about such things already...?

Anyhow, the Ephian Games were held again... And Meadow's team won... again. She's just amazing at these sorts of events! I wish she'd get some tough competition, though, because that'd make the event far more exciting! Now, what made yesterday's game somewhat interesting was the fact that the League of Gold sponsored it, by giving the winners a golden ring... It would've been quite the pretty bijou, if it were not for the tacky political slogan that they engraved on it! I would never put such a horrid thing around my finger!

There's been some talk of Alejandro becoming a Scribe... In all honesty? I don't really see him in the role, though I'm not really opposed, either. I'm lukewarm about it, at best. Alejandro himself wasn't excited about it... So, he most likely won't be donning the uniform, anytime soon. Now, there was something about his reasoning that was incredibly annoying to me! The uniform seems to be one of his main problems... yet he said that he's somewhat interested in starting studies at the Sandstone! The problem is obvious... THEIR UNIFORM IS THAT COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY HIDEOUS POTATO SACK! Why's that fine, and the rather dashing and absolutely wonderfully snug Scribal uniform isn't? That makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever!

Kroggnought is starting to worry me... I knew that he was quite confrontational, but yesterday...? He punched a Janissary... Samton, I think. What happened...? Some asshole fooled Kroggnought into smashing a sign, so, the Fourth attempted to fine him. Kroggnought does not understand the concept of fines, so, he refused, and the Fourth tried to arrest him, which led to the punch. I tried my best to explain why all of this was wrong, but I don't think I got through to him... I felt guilty about it, but I had to postpone his promotion. He just isn't ready for it... Not yet. Which is a shame, because he genuinely is good at his job when he isn't doing dumb stuff like this!

Now, that ghost attorney is supposedly trying to get Kroggnought his money back, but... He's a real sleazebag? I should've warned Kroggnought about that, but it all happened so fast, and I wasn't sure if he would've even listened to me... My biggest worry? That all of these scummy sorts are just going to keep taking advantage of poor Kroggnought! I'm not sure how I can help him, because he kind of only remembers a tenth of the stuff that I teach him... Men can be such stubborn fools!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 26th, IY 7788

What's with these artificers besmirching Zain? Why do they have to lie? What did he ever do to those guys, that made them so vile? I don't care what they say about him, anyhow! I don't care about that! It's all a bunch of nonsense! They're obviously just jealous of his wondrous talents!

A Nadiri disappeared, and Xon and Zol Nur went about looking for him... They tried to lure him home by wafting the tasty aroma of falafel around from the Office of Gold's roof! That didn't help... In most situations, falafel can solve at least some related issue, so, this was one of the rare exceptions!

Richo told me about a sales tactic that some merchants do... They have a dancing monkey at their shop! That sounds so adorable! I haven't seen anyone do that here... It's such a shame! If someone has a dancing monkey, they obviously know a lot about mercantile, because to obtain their simian buddy, they obviously had to engage in very difficult bartering... Then again, maybe they just gave a monkey a banana and befriended it...? That's a rather simple exchange – tasty fruit for everlasting friendship!

Kroggnought bought "snake milk"... It was obviously poison! Nothing that is green is milk, except for milk that has been dyed green, and if you find milk like that, then you're dealing with an obvious crazy person, because why would anyone do that...? Anyhow, I really wish I didn't have to teach him things like that... I mean, he is an adult. I shouldn't have to teach him what milk is! Makes me kind of glad that Marcellus isn't in office right now... Kroggnought would probably make him drink poison during Marcellus moments, and make them even worse!

BURGUS.

What?

I WAS TRANSITORILY POSITIONED AT THE BURGUS, ALSO.

Very good, Inky, you were! What about that? That happened a few days ago!

I... I HAVE NOT VISITED THIS PERIODICAL SINCE THE PASSING OF MANY DIMINUTIVE AEONS.

Well, you kind of just read stuff, these days... In fact, that's all you do, really!

I WISH TO PERCEIVE THESE DANCING SIMIANS.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 27th, IY 7788

I went on an archaeological trek with Alejandro, Moni and Lyra! We mostly found a bunch of mirrors, and a really gross whip! One can never have too many mirrors, but gross whips, well... Even one is excessive! Now, some of these ruins have such lovely furniture, as stained and worn as they can be... The designs are simply wonderful! I would love to draw them and make a custom order for some of my own! There's no law against that, either! How wondrous!

Richo was called a Holy Fool? The 'holy' part certainly makes sense, blessed by Warad as he is, but he is no fool! Then again, they do say that only fools rush in, and Richo does a lot of that! He rushes here, he rushes there, he rushes everywhere! Maybe he's the good kind of fool...? Oh, and also... He brought some wasps to the Pyramid! They were highly aggressive! Because they're wasps! I don't know why he did that, but it really startled me! I absolutely and utterly despise each and every wasp! Bees are much nicer...

Kroggnought is on thin ice! My orders are very clear... If he messes up just one more time, then he is to be fired, and promptly! I'm going to try and do my absolute best to guide him, but I have my doubts... He's so stubborn! There's plenty of employment opportunities for a strong man like him, sure, but if he gets a reputation for doing stupid shit, then who's going to hire him?! I wish him all the best, however... Orphans need to stick together!

Also... twenty times? Twenty? It really boggles the mind!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 28th, IY 7788

I spent most of yesterday with Alejandro and Elias... I'm pretty sure Elias is a fellow member of the Velvet Connoisseur Club... He's nice! He told me a lot about plants... Like lepfish... Which is a form of algae, not a fish! Algae is weird. Anyhow, he knows a lot about herbology, which is one of the few acceptable academic fields, because plants are actually interesting, and not really boring, like most stuff they seem to study at the Sandstone...

Later, Athelia joined us as well, as we explored Nusrum! The orcs were out in droves, and they managed to ambush and surround us with such deadly numbers, that I was afraid that we were going to get hurt real bad... Thankfully Alejandro and Athelia are such talented combatants that we were all safe, in the end! Elias' wondrous medicinal talents were a boon, as well! Athelia told me that she's going to keep me safe! I believe her, and I feel much safer, already!

Someone robbed Richo! Why...? Maybe they were really hungry... Richo does carry chicken around... Well, Massoud ends up eating most of it. Anyhow, I'm pretty sure robbing Richo might be some form of sacrilege at this point. I think? I don't know. Thankfully he wasn't hurt that bad... I hope that they catch the bastard who did it!

Eclair has a really, really, really big stick! She got it from Sofia, supposedly. Apparently, the stick seems to be growing...? How wondrous! I wish I had a big stick that keeps growing... I can think of so many uses for such a thing! For one, I could use it to reach for things that are really far away... Second, I could use it as a climbing pole, to explore mountains and such! Third, I could use it to poke people that I don't like! Fourth... well... you could settle it atop two different towers, in two different cities, and have monkey couriers carry important messages across it! Fifth... Play fetch with really big puppers...?

"Better to die than to live with worms"... How do these shamanistic types know?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 29th, IY 7788

What a strange day. Amidst the usual day-to-day humdrum, I'm raised to the position of Vizier. Before, I was sure that I would just keep opposing the notion, but in the end, I felt like I might as well accept... Nobody suitable came forth. I don't even know if I'm suitable, myself. I've been on so many diplomatic envoys, yet I simply stay to the side and advise to the best of my ability, which isn't much, really... But somebody had to do it.

I guess that's what this is, too, in the end... At least I was able to negotiate to be a vizier al-tanfidh, instead of al-tafwid, so, I still stay as an advisor, really. People won't really get that, though. They won't even know the difference. I mean... admittedly, I only knew of the distinction because I was really bored at the Sandstone, one day, and decided to peruse a book by random, so...

There's so many stories of wily and corrupt viziers... And people will try to fling that shit at me, too, I suppose, without knowing anything about me, or what I actually want, or what I can actually achieve. I want people to be fed, to be housed, to be loved... If I can, in this position, manage to progress this hellhole even an inch towards any of those goals, then I will be glad of it.

And if someone else with actual credentials comes along and wants the position...? They can have it. I hate responsibility. What a pity that you must accept some to actually achieve anything...

Anyhow... back to the usual whimsy. Apparently the bandit who robbed Richo is called "Axeman Pete"? It sounds like the title of a folk song, really! One of those folk songs that gets surprisingly graphic as it progresses, but nobody really cares, because they're drunk off their arse! Then, one day, perhaps as some vain attempt to better themselves, they actually listen to the lyrics while sober, and find out that it's really quite creepy and disgusting!

And speaking of Richo... His quest for the Biggest Bee is so complex and confounding. Besides strange naked dwarves, he also seeks knowledge from curious beings of law, such as his buddy, Rock. Rock apparently has countless supervisors, and I think we met one, yesterday, with the help of Nasreen. She was able to summon one of these curious beings, and it was simply peculiar! I expected some being of stone, but it was just some sort of floating glyph, instead... I guess it really was the embodiment of law, but I'm not sure which law...? I really don't get magick... or otherworldly beings that lack an actual corporeal form... or the law... at least not as an abstract concept... For once, I think I understood just as much as Kroggnought did. Oh yeah, he was there, too! For reasons!

Also, most importantly... Where are my alfajores...? I think somebody took them! I am so disappointed!