Dear Reader,
This diary is cursed.
While this page is safe to read, if you read even one page further, you will be cursed until the end of your days.
As a fatespinner, it is child's play for me to make certain that you draw no melds, every flipped coin will land opposite to your desires, and you will never see another victory.
You were warned.
Regards,
Estellise Azimi
Iyar 12th, IY 7787
My last diary was lost in an ash storm. How irritating. I really liked the pattern on the cover and would have liked to reread the highlights of my journey inward.
No matter. The past is over and I shouldn't dwell on it. A new diary for a new city. This one is black and covered in little stars too.
They call this place Ephia's Well. It is not Baz'eel but it is somewhat close, being a provincial holding. "Refugees", as they call us, are not allowed to go to Baz'eel directly. This will have to do for now.
My fatespinner garb is nearly threadbare and I do not know how much more it can be patched and mended. I am relieved to finally be in a city again and ideally, I should have no trouble finding work.
Iyar 15th, IY 7787
It is proving difficult to find work of substance, but odd jobs for refugees remain plentiful.
The number of fortune tellers, clairvoyants, crystal gazers, and two-bit charlatans pretending at the same here is staggering. It feels as if I cannot take five steps without someone demanding dinars for a tarot reading. Are they all here to join Q'tolip and his Astronomers?
I joined a book club and have met some fellow appreciators of literature and learning. I like Mae. I hate Shane Gallows.
Iyar 16th, IY 7787
It is growing more difficult to find work around the Well and no one has responded to my notices for scribe work. The scribes are not hiring, nor do I think I could tolerate having to manage the nuisance of licensure.
Resting at the Krak is proving prohibitively expensive. I have been forced to take a job from Shane Gallows. I will write articles for his paper, in exchange for the use of a bed in the Printing Press.
Iyar 19th, IY 7787
The situation is improving greatly. I have finally met Hypatia and she ordered me a coffee. I didn't like the taste. It is too bitter. I prefer sweet flavors, but it is unbecoming of someone in my position to gorge themselves on sweets all day.
She was even more fascinating than I expected, and while Mae is a close friend, Hypatia is even more stimulating as a conversation partner.
I believe it has something to do with the fact that Hypatia and I share the same focus of study, but whereas I keep my eyes firmly fixed on the future and the manifold ways in which it diverges, Hypatia's focus is on the past and the paths untaken.
Since my arrival, I have met numerous people, so many it is a challenge to recall all their names. There are some I wish to ruminate on, but writing is best done while the wretched sun is high in the sky. For now, I would rather enjoy the pleasant cool of the night.
Iyar 21th, IY 7787
I'm confused. I'm also irritated that I'm confused.
I came to Eagle's Rock Mount to observe a debate but I found myself convinced by Zenithar Gaius to participate. Still, I refused to allow the other debaters to judge me. They are not on my level and have not the right. I opted to forfeit, rather than deal with their judgemental looks.
Despite all that, the High Zenithar himself, Q'tolip, pointed to me and decided that I would become one of the Nadiri of his order. I am honored but also shocked. I did not see this future. It is not to say that I saw no future where I became an Astronomer, but I thought it would be something I do myself, at a later date.
Not knowing the path I'm on is irksome and while there may be some small thrill to it, it is mostly just irksome. I only hope that joining the Astronomers doesn't make it harder to prevent the Disaster.
[A poem hastily written and slipped between pages.]
In the stillness of the night
Beneath the twinkling starry light
There came a sound, a horrid blight
That shattered all in its might
It was La Melificinta's voice
That made the heavens shake and rejoice
A droning, endless, shapeless noise
That seemed to end all, without a choice
From far-off galaxies to our own
The very stars began to groan
As Jocasta's tones did drone and moan
In a voice that chilled to the bone
May the Astronomers, with their learned eyes
Never fall for her false guise
And may the glazier's daughter realize
That her voice doth bring about the skies demise
Iyar 28th, IY 7787
Eaten by lions.
I've been largely trying so hard to pretend like everything is okay, to pretend like the journey inward never even happened, that I just went to sleep one day among the Fatespinners and woke up here, eyes full of sleep, but otherwise well-rested, but today I feel so strongly the experiences of the road.
What use is knowing about the Ephia's Well Disaster if I can't prevent it?
What use was knowing about the death of Shane Gallows if I couldn't prevent that?
Why did I tell Abelle her future when I've seen what happens? She could have pushed me off that cliff. Sometimes, she did just that. It was a stupid risk.
Events big and small defy my attempts to change them. I'm no fatespinner. I'm not even 37th in line for the throne of the Empire. There are no fatespinners. There is no Empire. The world ended 10 years ago and we are insects feeding on its corpse.
Mr. Gallows should have listened to me. He would have paid for his crimes but he would still be here and alive. Probably.
I watched a dwarf eaten by lions today, and that was the DESIRED outcome.
I burned incense paper for Mr. Gallows but I won't mourn the dwarf. He was an awful person, but what an awful way to die, scrambling on the sands, battered and bloody, using what magic you have to survive a few more moments, only to have your throat torn out by a lion.
Are the extra moments worth it, when they are so full of pain?
In days of old, we dreamed of sharpened steel / and flames to make the bravest foe kneel
But now we know that magic is not enough / to pierce the veil of night and see the stuff
Of stars beyond, their secrets to unfold / and measure distances in space so cold
Yet by the flickering starlight light of lanterns we can see / the path to learning, to discovery.
No incantation or spell can ever find / the way to know the heavens and their kind
Only through math can we unlock the door / to learn the laws that they obey and more
For trigonometry is the key we seek / to measure stars, and understand their peak
Enchantment is a tool of little worth / when science shines so brightly on the earth.
We need not blades of fire and sharpened might / to conquer foes and win the endless fight
No. Let us seek the wisdom Izdu gives / and use our minds to change the way we live
So let us cast aside our foolish pride / and seek the stars with math, the guide
For in the end, knowledge will win / and with it, we can reach the furthest in
The universe, and find our place at last / in the heavens, among a cosmic cast.
(https://i.imgur.com/7fbKUuq.png)
[A small note between the pages, with names written sharply, often outlined or underlined multiple times.]
Velan Volandis - He irritates me but hate feels too strong a word these days.
Mirit the Liar
Benjin the Idiot - I'm not a bully and his works of art are well done, if he never returns to advocate for someone connected to me, it's fine.
TALLARIEL - He has done as I asked by recanting his words and better not cross me again.
Ilyas - According to Tallariel I destroyed this wretch so utterly that he left the Well, good, he's probably dead.
John Syter!!! - not only is he dead, but I gave his corpse back those two dinars and he'll never mock me again, good riddance!
Kythaela - It's complicated.
Naelin - She apologized. Whatever.
Sephidra - I wasn't really mad at her. Just Naelin.
VERGAL - At times even knowing the future is not half as sweet as experiencing it!
Shae - Ugh. She saved me from the Glaziers.
Velan!!! - STUPID you didn't have to die! It's like you wanted this!
Lynneth - I have downgraded her from hated enemy to rival to be destroyed. There's a difference.
Alfred - Burned alive. Precisely what such a wretch deserves.
Alejandro - He saved me from danger. He still bothers me, but I guess it's not hate per see.
Mari Blacke - Not as satisfying as I'd hoped but whatever. It was for the best.
Qari
Nadiri Dustwink - I wish Cosine had listened to me, but I will not mourn this loss. In fact, I am elated.
Marcellus
Nasreen
Inspector Daoud
Hziran 10th, IY 7787
What to even say today that isn't just a bunch of loose thoughts that run in circles in my mind?
My "cosmoem" won me a Voice. I am grateful to Laremy, but since I plan to become an Apothar, it seemed superfluous. I do like winning, however.
Aubrey has completely strayed from Legate-based futures and is acting much more in accordance with Janissary-based futures. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't care. I burned my other book. I will try a different approach entirely to prevent the Ephia's Well Disaster.
The Sisters keep staring at me in the Krak. Were they always staring at me? I think it started when I became a Nadiri. Perhaps it was happening before too. I sometimes find myself walking of my own accord to their office and ringing the bell, just to see if anyone wants to talk. The woman at the desk (I've forgotten her name and now it'd be rude to ask) answers any questions I ask but the answers are always the same. She speaks by rote. Her answers have been obviously lies since the day I first arrived in Ephia's Well. I worried I was developing a fixation, but after thinking it over, I definitely am not.
I just don't like not knowing what's really going on. Do they see what I see? Do they have a plan to deal with it?
I'm on edge today because of the matter with the "Salt Merchant" yesterday. We swore we would resolve the matter, but until I hear from the Archon's representatives, the days ahead will be tense. I hate waiting.
Hypatia said there was some issue with Sana and she has been acting strangely too. I thought we'd worked out matters during our conversation in the inn room. Maybe she was just saying what she thought I wanted to hear.
I should find her.
Hziran 13th, IY 7787
I feel really bad about my behavior, especially in the Krak, but the thought that Cosine OF ALL PEOPLE had gotten an Epoch and I hadn't was enough to bring out the worst in me.
It doesn't matter now. The Apothar found him before me since I was busy in a stupid room alone waiting for Colmes to come back. I have my Epoch now, two of them in fact, and now I'm higher than Cosine, which is how it should be.
The Apothar wants me to decide on a thesis, but I'm having trouble. I have a ton of ideas, so it's challenging to just pick one. I'm going to spend time away from all distractions, so I can focus. There's an Assembly coming up shortly, but I'll just make one of the others speak. Azim or Bestworth, probably.
Sana seemed fine, but she's still not calling me Starlight as much anymore, and it really bothers me. It'd be embarrassing to ask her why, so I haven't. Even worse, Cosine called me Starlight, and I hated it. It just made me feel sad and angry like he was trying to manipulate me. I thought I found someone I could trust, but if his interests are untoward, then I will need to handle him from a greater distance.
This is counterproductive, but I really need to get these thoughts out or I'll never focus, so I will continue.
Mae and Hypatia's situation bothers me. I wish Mae had taken my advice. It's going to make my life more complicated and I don't need it more complicated right now. Also, I want them both to be happy. But even more than that, it irritates me that no one listens when I tell them what choices are the best ones for their future!
I am really bothered that the Sisters' ridiculously long gift-giving caused me to be unable to speak to the princesses. I haven't seen their airships depart, so maybe I'll get another chance. Maybe there will be some ceremony surrounding the departure and I can use that to my advantage. It would be helpful if fewer people were present. It's not that I don't like people, it's just difficult to get a word in edgewise when so many are present.
I probably shouldn't even go to the Assembly. I should just keep working on my thesis topic.
Hziran 14th, IY 7787
Why did I go to that HORRIBLE assembly?
It was so awful, I've never been so embarrassed in my entire life! I should have let Cosine go up, but I saw a future where we received the whole allotment and I decided to act quickly.
I wanted to impress the Princess, not make a fool of myself, but that is exactly what I did. I even tried to leave after the first half, rather than listen to lesser Nadiri insult me further by saying what I should have done instead, but I wasn't allowed even the dignity of privacy to compose myself. John Syter (I hate him!) wished to draw out my humiliation further by forcing me to the podium once more in the second half.
The only saving grace of all this is that Apothar Oro and Zenithar Gaius were pleased with the results, so I have not lost face in the eyes of the organization. Additionally, the Apothar said I am to defend my thesis tomorrow. I'd planned to sleep and read something to distract myself from thoughts of the wretched assembly, but there will be no time now.
I must be prepared. I must not fail to defend my thesis. Among the futures where I'm cast out in disgrace lay the future where Apothar Abelle kills the one responsible for the Ritual of Elemental Balance.
Hziran 15th, IY 7787
My thesis defense was terrifying, but it is behind me now. I was successful. I'm an Apothar.
Things are moving so quickly, I feel like I need to take a moment to myself, but when I do, my thoughts are unpleasant. Wine helps. Somewhat.
While I need to organize my thesis proposal for proper addition to the files, writing in this diary is proving helpful for getting my thoughts in order. I need to resolve what I can and let go of what I cannot.
So some questions come to mind. Perhaps they will be relevant later. I don't know.
Why do I sometimes feel strange when I drink the Well's water?
The water takes on more potent healing properties when aged, do the other properties become more potent too?
Why did Shane Gallows go mad so suddenly, flee the Well, and then proceed to alienate everyone around him?
Why did he not trust me at the end?
Hziran 17th, IY 7787
Her eyes.
I can't stop seeing them when I close my own eyes.
Is she watching me write in here now?
I withstood an immense battle of wills earlier and showed her I would not be cowed.
Not that I care for nor desire her approval.
Hziran 19th, IY 7787
I hate her, but not for the reason I thought I did. I hate her for wasting my time, making me think she was more profound and more complicated than she clearly is.
She is just a dog. She loves those who feed her and she fears those who strike her. The cold dead eyes of her companion made me think she'd chosen him intentionally. In more than one future, he cut me down before I could cast a single spell. In more than one future, he killed everyone in the room, starting with Miss Ziani.
She loves those around her. She fears the Condotierro. She doesn't know what to do with me, because I am neither feeding her nor striking her. Next time I see her, I'll try feeding her to see what happens.
Either way, I'm relieved the Assembly matter is over. Losing access to the Krak would have been awful and I want to get back to my research and not let myself fixate on all these distractions.
Hziran 21th, IY 7787
That interview was truly harrowing. Those didn't feel like easy questions! Perhaps at first, but certainly not after a certain point in the interview.
I can't help but feel that both Miss Ziani and Recluta Ship-burner are trying to make me look foolish in their works. I hate that feeling.
I visited the Banda Rossa fortress to give her some food. She just stood there, holding it. It was like she refused to eat it and give me satisfaction. How infuriating!
I can't think of any normal way to find out if she ate it either, short of asking one of the Recluta present, but they would tell her for certain that I asked. Maybe I should try again.
Afterward, my mood didn't get better. I showed Cosine Talky Spidra and he destroyed it with acid. I wanted to keep it. Even if it was somewhat ridiculous, it was cute and I liked the things it had to say.
This work has been lonely lately. It was hard enough to make friends in this city before, but now it's even harder as an Apothar. Talky Spidra would have been a good alternative.
Hziran 22th, IY 7787
Hypatia, Aubrey, Mae, Sana
I have five fingers and not even as many friends. I talked to Sana and she was right to be angry with me. I should have talked to her sooner, but I think I assumed she was overreacting. It's difficult to trust people sometimes, even when I should.
Do I seem lonely to others? I don't think I do. I don't lack conversation, but deep conversations are even harder to come by, and those I can trust are rarer still. Cosine absolutely heard what Bestworth said and told me nothing. He claimed it "wasn't that big a deal" like he thinks I'm an idiot who would buy such a flimsy excuse. He's spiteful that Oro made him my apprentice.
Rehiring Bestworth was the right choice. I know that on a logical level, particularly with the coming storm, but I can't help but feel betrayed by my mentor on an emotional level. I had made a choice and wished it was respected, not questioned publicly in front of so many.
I hate wrestling with these thoughts on the page or otherwise, but I refuse to let anyone know my mind better than I do.
She sees so much that it terrifies me, but obviously not everything. She is no more able to transcend human limitations than I am, she just represents someone further along the same path as me. I will get there. I will surpass her even.
But to do so a strategy is required. My plan's simple.
It's like hypnosis but leaving a mental trigger to return to a state of awareness
Wait. Actually, it's nothing like hypnosis. Hypnosis requires a subject to desire to be controlled. It's hard to explain in words, but it's definitely different.
Was I projecting on Mae?
I wonder what my her life is like. Could Hypatia tell me?
I am the girl on the other side of the mirror,
Lost in the depths of my own despair.
The one who is unseen, who longs to be nearer,
Yet is kept away by this glass wall's snare.
On the other side stands a girl, so fair and bright,
Her life seems perfect, with friends all around.
But I am the shadow, shrouded in night,
With loneliness and darkness as my constant sound.
Her eyes gleam with joy and laughter,
Mine reflect only tears and sorrow.
She has love, while I am the martyr,
Endlessly struggling for a better tomorrow.
And yet, this girl from the other side
Wishes to kill me, to end my being.
But I, the lonely one, cannot abide,
For life is precious, with purpose and meaning.
The stars above me twinkle and glow,
A reminder that beauty still exists.
I will not give up, I will not let go,
For hope still lingers, like the stars in mists.
I am the girl on the other side of the mirror,
Lonely and lost, but not yet broken.
Though my heart may quake and quiver,
I will not yield, my spirit is not yet awoken.
Hziran 23th, IY 7787
Lucid dreaming. That's what I was trying to remember before. It's like when you're dreaming but can consciously control your actions during the dream. Sometimes you can even control the dream itself.
My sleep has been fitful, but I think today went well. Hypatia and I talked a lot. We played cards.
Even though I didn't win as much as I would have liked, gambling still relieves much of my stress.
I expect I will sleep well tonight.
[A addition is added later, further down the page...]
I woke up from a nightmare. There was a mirror and my reflection was wearing a red dress. But it was not me, she was a horror. She smiled more. She smiled a lot, but her smile was too wide.
Hziran 26th, IY 7787
Finally, the storm recedes (exactly the date I told Afsana) and I can take some time to write. I didn't want to waste time idly musing on my thoughts in here while there was work to be done.
John Syter is dead. I thought he died betraying Ephia's Well, but now that the moment has come, it seems much more likely that he was just being exploited by others. He was a straightforward person, I guess, but I still hated him.
I threw those two dinars back at them and spit on his corpse. Well, I didn't do the second thing, but I really wanted to. Everyone was watching and it wouldn't have ended well.
Similarly, I stood over Diakos as he lay prone with his wounds, and I fully knew what was to come. I could have ordered Vergal to end the problem once and for all... but would it have stopped the Wyrm cultists whose plan was likely already underway? How would we have explained our actions?
More pointless thoughts of the past. I need to redirect my focus forward.
Hypatia is mad at me. I know she must be. I didn't mean to get angry during the funeral but there was a whole crowd accusing me of the vilest behavior and the whole storm has been exceptionally stressful, so I wasn't able to bear their taunting. I need to be better. I hope that she will forgive me in time. It seems like she usually does. But she doesn't always.
--- EXPERIMENT 001 ---
You know what I want.
Why are we continuing to play these games?
What do you want from me?
Next time we meet, speak to me and only me.
You know exactly what I mean.
Hziran 27th, IY 7787
I HATE her so much!!!
Calling her a lion grates on me every time they do it! She is a dog, not a lion and that should be obvious to anyone!
How does she keep getting away with it time and again? Why must I be the one to suffer her misdeeds over and over? It's not fair and she deserved to be demoted today!
More than that, she deserved to be whipped in the plaza! She's never going to learn her lesson at this rate and worst of all, her actions will force the Zenithars to commit to drastic action to the detriment of the Well.
At this rate, who needs 5 years to pass, when this stupid and hot -blooded woman will bring about disaster prematurely? I need to keep my eyes on her now more than ever.
Hziran 28th, IY 7787
I'm not convinced that there was any reason for them to destroy the cute doll, and I'm still upset about it.
I'd even named her Penelope because she was a gift from Hypatia. Watching them tear out her stuffing made me sick to my stomach, so I wasn't able to watch.
I'm still not even sure what to say about what happened. I'm sure she'll ask after the doll next time we talk.
Everyone's just afraid. Heightened emotional responses seem to be a result of the Stele Curse.
While my resistance to such things is stronger than the average person, I'm still capable of being affected. I need to analyze my own thoughts and emotions again and again.
Would I have cried over Penelope's death normally? I don't know. Probably not. But being able to release my emotions in a controlled environment, without others present, is certainly healthier and safer than the alternative.
Either way, it's a good thing that Cosine was present earlier. I pretended things were fine, but they weren't fine. I don't think I could have refused Sana's requests indefinitely if he hadn't intervened.
My mental fortitude remains an unyielding bastion. Attempts to penetrate my defenses are fruitless.
Hziran 29th, IY 7787
I should be writing about Posie, Jamileh's betrayal, or even the Sergeant's inflexibility.
However, none of that matters at this moment.
It was so red. It looked like blood. It smelled sweet. Some would say too sweet, but I wouldn't. I felt it was just the right amount of sweetness.
I think I always knew this was the plan.
I know that I can't hide my words from you, but that doesn't matter. In fact, I want you to know. Consider this a challenge.
I will close the gap between us.
Tammuz 1st, IY 7787
I doubted her. I thought her interest in me was fake, that she was tricking me, that she would grow tired of me the moment she had what she wanted.
I doubted her. I thought her anger was misplaced, that she was overreacting even though I'd left her out of my story to the Assembly.
I doubted her. I thought she wouldn't be angry that I stood by the Zenithar's side as he threatened to tear the Shade from the Krak no matter the cost.
I doubted her. I thought she could be involved somehow in the illusory Sana I saw that knew so much about us both, including our private conversations.
I was wrong. I kept being wrong, and even when I wronged her, she still forgave me, she went back to smiling and calling me Starlight.
I didn't deserve her.
And now she's dead.
I thought I'd have more time. I thought her death was a remote possibility, and that I would have days, weeks, and months to resolve matters between us.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry, Sana. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
[Between the pages of this entry is a detailed drawing of a very fluffy goat.]
Tammuz 4th, IY 7787
It is done. I am apprenticeless.
I've scarcely had time to grieve, and no time at all to burn incense papers, because I've been forced to chase after conspiracies and intrigues.
Investigation into Zieghart's treachery led me to unravel a complex (but idiotic) web of lies and deceit involving me and my supposed activities. It will prove difficult to uncover what aspects of my research have been shared so thoughtlessly out of context, but likely I should assume the worst and operate accordingly.
Faced with an apprentice who undermines me out of idiocy and an apprentice who undermines me because of a grudge, I decided to see them both promoted swiftly, so I could be free of their irritations. Either they would become Apothars and they would undergo intense scrutiny that would see them both crack, or they would fail the test of their worth and be gone from the Order.
Unfortunately, my inability to properly groom them for the role was well-known to others, and the option was closed to me. It's admittedly my own failing, but I can't help but feel as if I were set up for failure by others. I was faced with two men, both of who refused to acknowledge me as their master, and the one measure I took was immediately undone by my own master.
If he disapproves, he can speak to me. If he forces me to keep them as apprentices, then I will expel them both. If he refuses to allow even that, then I will save Ephia's Well as a Fatespinner and not an Apothar.
I will endure suffering out of duty, but even I have my limits.
Tammuz 5th, IY 7787
A terrible beginning to an ultimately auspicious trip.
She has heard my challenge and seeks to prove my powerlessness. Lynneth consumed it immediately and Ship-burner declined the offer, but I'd thought surely that the softheaded Shae presented a unique opportunity... only for her to gulp it down like a battle potion the moment fighting broke out.
You knew, didn't you? You knew the despair I would feel in that moment, but perhaps you didn't consider how quickly I recover from such irritating setbacks. All this has done is stoke the fires of my determination!
Dark thoughts were my companion for some time afterward, only worsening when we reached the very dragon bones that Sana had promised to show me one day. None of them understood, and I didn't wish to say anything, but I had to say something to Hypatia and Mae.
Hypatia thought I was being impatient, and I didn't want her to think I would be so childish, but I'm not certain I feel better about others knowing I'm still mourning my dead friend. Either way, I should have controlled myself better, and I regret not doing so.
Once we reached the destination and Mae set up the telescope, I began to feel immediately better. Getting to do astronomy for a change, far from the concerns of the Well and this primary season that has become irksome since Aubrey dropped out, and getting to do it with Mae and Hypatia both, was very pleasing. Not even the irritating voice of the scythe woman could ruin it for me.
We saw a meteorite fall and it fell so near to us that debris collection was possible, which was really exciting. Caught up in the moment, I offered Mae the opportunity to be my apprentice, and she said she would think on it. It was a bit disappointing to hear, but I'm trying to be understanding. She has her heart set on Cassandra, and after the other two, I don't wish to deal with any lingering feelings of malaise between me and someone I'm supposed to help teach and guide.
I guess I should be used to not being anyone's first choice, but it still stung.
Tammuz 7th, IY 7787
Why do I bother with these wretched allotment assemblies?
Sergeant Colmes and Lynneth had the right of it, apparently. Despite my point being perfectly sound, all arguing did was upset the crowd, and the Princess fearing an upset crowd, opted for the coward's choice of an even distribution.
A woeful reminder of the last assembly where I argued point by point and ended up with yet another even distribution.
Why even have these discussions? Why not just award an even distribution and be done with it?
I refuse to waste my breath further on this farce. Next time, I will delegate another to speak in my place, and they will see just how irritating and pointless this process is.
Either way, I should be focusing on collecting signatures. I haven't a clue how many Sephidra has, but I must surpass her total if I'm to prevent her from running for Legate. Isabella bowing out of the race was unexpected and extremely undesired. I refuse to let anyone near the Legate seat who will unravel one-third of the Accord.
Tammuz 10th, IY 7787
I hate that this Banafsi issue is still a problem, but I hate even more that I'm forced to feel guilty about it.
One way or another, it's my fault, so I mean to find a solution, even if I must travel to Banafsi with all involved and submit to the Archon's justice.
I refuse to let this matter loom over my head for the rest of my life... but I'm also scared of what that justice could look like.
I talked to Hypatia today, which usually brightens my day, but unfortunately, my words made her sad and uncertain rather than provide the clarity I'd hoped.
I can't wait for this wretched election to be over, then I can focus on more important matters.
Tammuz 11th, IY 7787
I've taken Cosine once more as my apprentice. Aubrey was there, of course.
Aubrey has a way of making things better. I wish I could have met her when she was my age. I imagine we would have been completely inseparable.
The day has been a really emotional one, admittedly. Everything I'd been afraid of being done to me I was also doing to my own Master.
It's an unpleasant realization to come to and quite upsetting. I'm glad Zenithar Gaius took the time to speak with me. It took everything I had not to start crying right there in the observatory. It would have been humiliating...
Zenithar Oro needs to believe in me, but I also need to believe in my apprentices in turn. By that standard, he's done a poor job of trusting me, but I've also done a poor job trusting him and them, so I can't even blame him. I understand how hard it is to trust people, and how much it hurts when that trust is betrayed.
I realized I'd been terrible to Bestworth since his return, and possibly even before his return. I apologized to him and he accepted. It was probably the most genuine either of us had been to one another and further solidified just how much I had erred.
After all that, I look forward to relaxing for the rest of the day.
[An addition comes later...]
SHE IS A DOG AND A CUR, A WRETCH AND A MONGREL, SHE ONLY CARES ABOUT DINARS, SHE IS LOYAL TO NONE, FRIENDSHIP MEANS NOTHING TO HER
Why do they trust her? Why can't they see what's coming? This isn't about seeing the future, it's about opening your eyes and looking at what's right in front of you!
Do they know? Am I really being lied to? Are there really anonymous reports? Who would want to see me expelled from this order?
Why keep any of this a secret? I offered to help! I want to help but also I want to do my duty and I also have to keep the Well safe. Despite what everyone says, these desires don't conflict with one another!
I'm just so tired of this! I hate them all!
Tammuz 15th, IY 7787
I want the election to be over I'm so tired of it.
Cosine is moping because I have fired him, even though I rehired him immediately, despite Zenithar Gaius advising me against it. He shouldn't have defied my request. He should have come when that wretch Shae went to retrieve him. He disrespects me and I hate it.
However, he's also my staunchest ally against some of the worst things we face.
I also need reliable people consistently near me as much as possible. It's been nearly two months since I last was able to divine my own future reliably.
None of my own futures are accurate owing to the interference of outsider forces, likely diviners with power far exceeding my own. Is one of them YOU? For some, the matter would be unsolvable, but not me. I can triangulate my own probable future via the futures of those around me.
Just two more days. Sol Auk will be Legate. I will likely need to apologize or explain some things to people. The election has been extremely unpleasant all around and many harsh words have been spoken on all sides.
I should also find Bestworth and make certain he attends Sol Auk's first Allotment. Futures where Bestworth argues for the allotment tend to see a larger portion into Astronomer hands.
Tammuz 18th, IY 7787
Fitful sleep after the past few days.
Sol Auk was elected, as expected, yet Bestworth is dead. The Nadiri last night was right. It wasn't supposed to happen. Was he telling the truth or is it merely a coincidence that he knew that? Many more exhausting days lay ahead as I will need to perform new calculations to determine causal relationships and potential futures relevant to this branch. To do so, I will need to return to where it all began, the book I first learned from.
If I was a fatespinner in truth, it would be far easier. I am not, however, not technically. The order was destroyed during Ringfall. Ringfall was when everything changed, when I found the book in my own handwriting, the book that explained everything and provided the tools necessary to learn from the fatespinners' scrolls.
The writer of the book is me, but not really. She's functionally a stranger to me, yet she's also the reason I survived the wastes, and the reason I was able to make it to Ephia's Well. The least I could do is to see her plans through. I'm unconvinced there's a point, as she is likely long gone and unable to benefit from my actions, but I still wish to repay my debt.
The Nadiri said he was my apprentice. Well, I'm quite certain my "apprentice" is surely lying. Transference? It's nonsense to even imagine. A book is one thing, but an entire person's consciousness? It defies reason.
Tammuz 22nd, IY 7787
The days slip by under the new regime. I find myself having lower energy than usual of late. Perhaps it is the overwhelming frustration of being right about everything and having no one acknowledge it.
Zenithar Oro was wrong about Bestworth, wrong about licensure, and most importantly, wrong about Sol Auk. Despite my knowledge of future events, my words went unheeded again and again.
He controls the government and by association the Janissaries. The wretched merchants and craftsmen of the Gold League too. Adventurers? All they care about is dinars. It's the same for the Banda Rossa.
It's evident from the bellows that board jobs are plentiful and crime is at historic lows. I should be happy to see such prosperity, but instead, I feel trapped. I am trapped in an enormous gelatinous cube known as Ephia's Well, scarcely able to move even a single limb, for all the impact I have upon these events.
I am trapped watching as the entire Well is unified in purpose but it is the wrong purpose.
They are all going to die.
Tammuz 24th, IY 7787
I write this from my room in the Krak des Roses after a truly infuriating day.
I don't ask for much. I don't crave power for power's sake, I merely want to spare Ephia's Well its horrible fate. If that goal requires me to cast aside my title and robes, I care little. Unlike Cosine and that wretch Vergal, I do not derive pleasure from ordering others about.
I'm treated rather terribly in the Tower but I've long ago come to understand that the post-ringfall world is a very different place than the one I was raised in. No one accepts their place in hierarchies but rather they seek to tear down those who are better than them, driven by jealousy to acts of madness that would have seen a swift execution in my youth. Still, I had thought there were certain uncrossable lines and certain behaviors that would be considered unacceptable and see the offender dismissed immediately.
Only my own Master and my apprentices stood by me in that room, and even my apprentices wished for my cowed silence.
If not for the kind words and support of those I consider friends, and Lynneth for some reason, I would have been hard-pressed to find my way back to stable emotional ground. Lynneth was probably trying to take advantage of my emotional state, admittedly, but I'm not so easily manipulated by her as Cosine.
I am calmer now as I sit here. I am calm enough to look at it and not immediately press it to my lips, but is it the rational mind that stays my hand or is it fear?
Tammuz 26th, IY 7787
She liked the poem I wrote for her but then she gave me this mocking gift. I would obviously never wear such a thing. It smells sweaty even, like she does. I'm not going to wear it.
I'm irritable at the moment and it's because of this awful Stele. The space between the stars is darker and draws the eye more than before, but this would hardly be a matter normally. I have more experience stargazing than most in Ephia's Well, likely only rivaled by the old men of the Tower.
No, what actually troubles me is that apparently even the written word cannot be trusted. I spent half the night writing out calculations until I nearly drifted off from mental exhaustion, only to find that the pages contained none of my mathematical calculations at all. Even now, with the latter half of the night before me, I find it difficult to muster the energy to return to my work. I just want to rest and forget about this
remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her
remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her
remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her
remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her
remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her
remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her
remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her
remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her
remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her
remember her remember her remember her
remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her remember her
remember remember remember remember remember remember remember remember remember remember remember remember remember remember remember remember
Tammuz 30th, IY 7787
Gellema is off the Stele and not a moment too soon.
The writing was growing more unnerving by the day and I will welcome no longer having to deal with it.
Despite the fact that I'd only just finished my calculations and now will likely need to recalculate anew, it's no significant matter as the post-Gellema calculations will go much more swiftly.
However, despite the change in Stele, I'm still left with this strange feeling that something is missing that is supposed to be here. I haven't a clue who the writing was even referring to. Ideally, the feeling will pass in time and it will prove to have been nothing more than Gellemede mischief, in the end.
Ugh. What did I promise to read her fortune? Now I'm going to have to do it.
Maribeh 5th, IY 7787
I did the Cartomancy yesterday and as expected it was clearly displeasing to her. I should have been happy to see that look on her face, but instead, I was not. It just made me sad to see. irritated.
I'm uncertain what she expected. Portents around her have been exceptionally awful from the beginning. From visions of blood and death and the influence of dark magic to tools cracking during divination, to other terrible things still, it's a wonder the deck didn't get blown away or catch fire. I wisely requested to borrow Naelin's deck, just in case.
Am I still tempted to change her fate? Obviously.
I can't speak for the true fatespinners and their methods, but I've long known that difficult-to-change events require an overwhelming amount of magical energy to affect, and few sources of magical energy are as potent as a high-risk gambit.
What gamble would be required to see her future diverted, to see her saved?
And what of my own situation? Do I return to the Tower where the most powerful magic I've ever seen was used against me? Or was it used for me as the others seem to believe? I truly don't know. I lack the others' blind optimism, loyalty, or fanaticism. Even if I put aside the personal injustice of the decision, it still seems an enormous misstep.
I'm still no closer to understanding why I was chosen by the High Zenithar. I would say that if anything, I have more questions now than ever.
Maribeh 13th, IY 7787
While slightly embarrassing, I cannot contain my mirth to see such a horrible man brought low!
But as the day draws to a close I wonder why the Zenithars even saw fit to alter fate to spare him from me. Am I more powerful than even the High Zenithar to have seen this possibility of his death at another's hand and work to remove all surrounding "noise"?
Or is this still part of his design?
Did Vergal's death come after he had already served his purpose or was it a grave interruption of a planned future? Did they save Vergal from me for his sake or to save me from becoming a murderer? Would she have hunted me for destroying Vergal or see it as a reasonable end to a foul and arrogant man who refused to even do the barest minimum of providing her a name?
What do YOU think about all this?
I didn't see you during my time staying in the Krak. Did my actions upset you somehow? Surely you are well aware that I hold the sacred wine. Or have I bested you as well?
Perhaps Seers and Zenithars truly are nothing before the power of a Witch.
Maribeh 15th, IY 7787
This poem...
I have read it over and over and I cannot stop thinking about it, but also, these feelings are foolish. I am absolutely positive I will regret them.
I should focus on other things, like the worrisome matter involving Amelie. Would that she would come back to Ephia's Well, we could better protect her here. Whatever she is afraid of cannot possibly be as dangerous as that which we've already dealt with here.
She called me Estie. Not Amelie, obviously. Kythaela.
Something about the name resonates within my soul. It tickles the back of my mind like a childhood memory I've forgotten or a dream I woke up from and can't recall. It's why it irritated me when Mr. Gallows called me Estie. It was and is distracting. I will allow her to continue calling me it, if she chooses, for scientific purposes.
The book intimates that certain answers can only be attained by the formation of a paradox, but the book was clearly written in a less stable reality than the one I currently occupy. I am well aware that the creation of a paradox requires an enormous amount of magical energy and power I do not possess.
However, a paradox already exists as a result of my actions, even if I did not create it. Is this something I can leverage somehow or will I merely need to continue focusing on my studies?
[A new poem finds its way between two entries.]
In shadows deep, where dangers creep,
Lies a gaze, so violet, so steep.
Eyes that pierce through the cloak of night,
Revealing secrets, captivating sight.
Amidst perils fierce, both daring and bold,
Those violet eyes, my heart does hold.
A symphony of danger and desire,
Igniting flames, an unquenchable fire.
Through treacherous paths, winding ways,
I'm tangled, lost in their violet haze.
Haunted by brilliance, unfailingly,
Danger's embrace, they beckon me.
Though danger looms, and fears reside,
From violet eyes, my soul can't hide.
Fascination, like forbidden art,
They entwine my thoughts, tear me apart.
Yet, amidst peril and uncertain plight,
Yearning for those eyes, their captivating light.
For in their depths, secrets unfold,
Emotions woven, a tale yet untold.
Maribeh 17th, IY 7787
Being attacked is extremely painful and harrowing but it's impossible to enact change without risk.
Lynneth is a beast, so I am unsurprised that she attacked. Hypatia should have known better but was blinded by some manner of loyalty or affection for Lynneth. I hope, at least.
The alternative is more upsetting to consider. The swiftness with which Hypatia turns on me in social situations, and the lack of trust that she shows me, despite how much I have given her, hurts a lot more than any physical wounds. A strike from a fist or mace is immediately painful but can be magically healed. There is nothing of the sort for resolving emotional wounds or pain, unfortunately.
I may have benefited from taking a moment to consider those present. Just one more Balestriere could have turned things in my favor.
Is that true, though? I need to be honest here or there's no point in even writing anything down in these pages. There are no guarantees that any additional person would have helped me, Balestriere or otherwise.
I could write down all the different possibilities and hand-deliver them. I could tell Alfred that if he had just come clean with me at the Tower, he would still be a Student, but none of it matters. I may as well be telling a man with a full belly that I prevented a future where he starved to death from coming to pass. He won't understand or care about what I have done.
I can accept that. It is part and parcel of being a fatespinner, but what I struggle to accept is that for each terrible thing I prevent, I am instead met with heavier suspicion. The effects are even worse when I am unsuccessful. At this rate, I will never manage to prevent the Ephia's Well Disaster, because I will not even be allowed in the room when crucial information is provided.
And frankly, do I have anyone as loyal to me as Lynneth does? I hate even writing it down here, but the answer is no. Cosine wouldn't dare to threaten his relationship with Lynneth (or anyone) on my behalf. Mae is a coward who would stand idly by while the worst happened to me and do nothing but watch petrified. Hypatia is so fixated on alternative realities that she will never see what I see and will always consider me a liar or worse. Kythaela would cut me down for a handful of dinars or for the favor of a Condotierro or for Naelin and Sephidra's amusement.
I remain alone and I was a fool to allow myself to think otherwise for a short time.
Maribeh 18th, IY 7787
I am feeling somewhat better than before.
I realized that the whole matter went awry because Lynneth attacked me with words the moment I arrived to help and it informed much of what came later. Were she a more cunning foe, I would think it entirely possible that she started baiting me early so as to have an excuse to punch me. No. I think even a less cunning foe could devise such a plan. It just took longer than she likely expected, as I am more unflappable than those she's used to dealing with.
I concede that the victory was hers. I lost my temper and what started as a mission to see Amelie protected turned into something more foul and ego-driven. I have some fears that Lynneth has been present during too many of my most vulnerable moments making her a more dangerous foe than most. She has seen me lost and confused as a new refugee and she has seen me overcome with emotion as I was driven from the Tower in the wake of that unpleasant meeting with the Zenithars.
I remain confident that she knows little of what goes on in my head or heart, and for that reason, she is still far below the others that I must face.
Lynneth knows nothing of my joy at being protected byQuote from: A paper folded up multiple timesNigh, so near, I catch the scent,
Of sweat upon her, sweet, intent.
Close, I feel the warmth, the heat,
Her exertion, her body's feat.
In this closeness, I am lost, beguiled,
Her sweat, an elixir that drives me wild.
In its presence, a glimpse of bliss,
Her essence, a scent I can't dismiss.
Where was I before I banished those intrusive thoughts by putting them to paper? Yes. That was it. Lynneth and what she knows.
Lynneth knows nothing of my joy at seeing the Ecstatic Terrace whose beauty not even her presence could dampen. Even if the point of our meeting with the Princess was ruined by Cosine's additional guests and desire to speak on political matters, the sky palace itself was a sight to behold.
In truth, it's possible the Princess really did just wish to poll us on political matters, and Cosine would have still brought up the Legate and still needed soothing. I should have better kept my composure, but the irritations of the day were fresh and compounded by having to see Cosine and Lynneth again together, so soon after they had both mocked me together.
The fact that such an impressive meeting could engender boredom and irritation in me is something worth interrogating at some point. Have I been so thoroughly ruined by my journey inward and my past months here that I have come to prefer the company of feckless mercenaries to Princesses? Surely not. The timing was just terrible. I would have been fine on my own even or with someone else similarly sensible, such as Sergeant Colmes. I am certain.
Maribeh 21st, IY 7787
I'm not even certain how to begin writing about this. My face burns anew at the memory and trying to put it to words is just making things worse.
Being dropped would have been barely an issue given the short distance to the ground, but still, I was paralyzed with fear and overwhelmed with other emotions besides. I enjoy high places. I often seek them out to chart the sky and have little fear of heights, however, the loss of control is unnerving in its own way.
That is what this whole thing is. The ultimate loss of control.
Is this an attack of some kind?
I must analyze my own feelings carefully and make certain I have not been compromised.
It has been some time since I've faced such a direct attack, but perhaps my rivals grow desperate with my recent successes.
Maribeh 23rd, IY 7787
I had the perfect plan, but I did not foresee Lynneth apologizing before it could come to fruition. Fortunately, I was able to call it off in time. It was no longer an enjoyable prospect by that point.
It's also possible that Lynneth got wind of my plan and made the overture in an attempt to prevent losing her precious shrine. Either way, it is no great matter. It will likely be better if we are on relatively cordial terms when aiding Amelie as the task may be extremely perilous.
After Lynneth left us in peace, we ate cream pastries together until Cosine intruded upon us. It was related to aiding Amelie, so I could hardly complain, but I still wished to.
These feelings lately draw my thoughts to the book once more. I imagine a game of Xiangqi played over and over again. Each time the game ends, the board is set up anew, and a new game begins. Hypothetically, say you lost a piece in the fourth game and were currently on the fortieth game. Would it make sense to even care about the fourth game at that point? What if you were on the four thousandth game? What if a new player sat down at the table entirely, one who had no memories of the fourth game?
It is a metaphor I find suitably apt. Why should I not care more about my own pieces than hers?
[Further down the page some messy writing can be found]
Kyth
Ky
Kytha
Thaela
Kythie
Maribeh 25th, IY 7787
I am so exhausted but sleep is hard to come by. The temptation to join her on the rooftop was significant, but obviously, it would have been an unwise choice. I'd rather not share with anyone the thoughts going through my mind right now. I would have told her everything, and she would have despised me for it.
It is risky enough to share it here with YOU but she is beyond your power to influence, so I'm willing to take the risk.
The experience in the Crucible was harrowing. If I've ever been that scared in my life, I can't recall it. I've dealt with horrors plenty of times, but I've always been well-prepared or in an environment where they had little power. Also, they were usually cosmic horrors and not djinn, admittedly.
Cosine was supposed to be there. It would have been fine if he'd been there. The whole point of bringing him despite his feelings about Amelie was to mitigate the risk to everyone present. I told him as much afterward. I may have... been too harsh after. I could sense everyone's disapproval, but I wasn't in the mood to stop.
I needed to let out my frustrations rather than allow them to turn inward. Even now, my inner thoughts threaten to choke me with despair. I hated Amelie in there for sticking to her ideals even if it meant we would all perish. I was paralyzed. I wanted Velan to do it, to make the contract so we could all go free. I wanted to escape. I wanted Kythie to escape. She had the bodies and it was noble of her and anyone else would have been impressed by her heroics but I could barely breathe thinking she was going to die for bodies, bodies we could do nothing to save, that were already lost to us. We never should have gone in, but then Amelie would have been lost forever. I'm so stupid. I should have gone to the rooftop instead of closing myself off in here with these thoughts, but she'd hate me. I need to remember this is all Alfred's fault, but what is worse, sacrificing your soul to save your life or wishing for others to sacrifice their souls to save your own? I'm glad Amelie is safe. I'm glad more didn't die. I'm glad I'm safe. I'm glad she's safe. I need to remember that. I need to remember that we're safe and it's over.
This is not helping. I need to rest, but first, one more glass of wine.
The carpets may clash, patterns askew,
But your company, a vibrant light,
With every passing moment, anew,
Makes waiting seem not a tedious plight.
In this room of carpets, dreary and vast,
I find respite in our connection's thread,
For when I'm with you, time slips past,
And waiting becomes a joy instead.
So let us endure this languid hour,
In the midst of carpets' glaring sea,
For with you, my heart finds its power,
And waiting transforms into sweet harmony.
Maribeh 27th, IY 7787
Today was admittedly quite a busy day, busier than I've had in some time. Good. I'd rather keep my mind occupied with my duties than dwell on what occurred in The Crucible.
Another expedition was required. I decided to employ the Banda Rossa for it. Since lowering their prices, it's made the option more appealing. Obviously, it doesn't hurt that I get along well with many of the Balestrieres. I'm reminded, however, that I haven't seen Isotta in some time. I hope that she's well because I have much to tell her.
Mae's promotion occurred today. It irritates me that Cosine's approval was required, rather than just my own, but on some level, I think that I should have realized the Zenithars were aware of our close friendship. My objectivity regarding Mae is something I wish were better. But the same is true of Cosine, and no one questioned his promotion! Either way, I am glad for her and should focus on those feelings. Mae deserves this.
The expedition was challenging, but nothing compared to the Crucible. Alejandro threw his body in front of mine to save me from danger, despite our strained relationship of late. I should make peace. Maybe.
I'm still agitated over the Lyrist's poem. The Balladeers were far too amused by my suffering. I shouldn't even be writing about this and giving YOU the satisfaction, but I see it for what it was, a move made by my opponent across the table. Perhaps it is revenge for my having acquired so many drinks. If so, so be it. It won't matter within a day, as I plan to conduct a private experiment with my supply and document the results with a thoroughness the Balladeers could never dream of.
I wonder what I will see. No doubt, it will be something you would deny me.
Maribeh 28th, IY 7787
Fine. The move was well made. It doesn't matter. I'll get more if I wish.
There's not much more to write here that I didn't say in person.
I have lost a piece but I do not intend to resign.
And today, I have learned some of your order's history. The game continues.
Maribeh 29th, IY 7787
Can you trust these words even? How do YOU know that I'm not lying to you? I am a witch after all.
Ugh. I don't even know that anyone is reading this. I'm just tired. I stayed up late burning papers to mourn them. First Pirouette, now Velan. So many were pointlessly killed for the crimes of that wretch Alfred.
I also talked to Cosine a lot. He keeps overstepping in my business with Kythie. I told him to stop and why I want him to stop. I probably shouldn't have, but I was emotional after everything that happened. I've trusted so many things with him, even speaking about my fears regarding fixation, things that were Vergal still alive could be used to destroy me in a moment. I don't think he'd ever betray me intentionally, but unintentional betrayal remains a risk. He was quick to question my actions in the Gellemede Temple despite the presence of Janissaries, and I have yet to see what will come of it.
Recluta Ahura gave me some kind of not-apology today. It was most irritating, and even more irritating was the fact that she wouldn't explain herself nor would she apologize in truth.
My interactions with the Banda Rossa have long been complicated. They seem to have a great many inside jokes among themselves, and occasionally some of them have even been at my expense.
For example, the unnerving Condottiero asked me if I liked shows. What meaning could that have held? Was she thinking of putting on an impromptu play right there and spontaneously changed her mind? Was she hinting at some future plan? It is irksome not to know.
[hide=Uncrumped paper, folded and shoved in]Violet elixir, thirst unquenched, I drink,
Through veins it flows, desires in sync.
An untamed river, emotions unfurled,
Bittersweet nectar, my chaotic world.
Its power courses, with each potent sip,
A torrent of feelings, a passionate trip.
Promises whispered, both dark and sweet,
In this brew of emotions, I find retreat.
Yet fear grips my heart, this inner fight,
As my passions consume me, day and night.
I'm held captive by this insatiable thirst,
The Drink of Violet, its allure, accursed.
But I surrender to its enticing call,
In the depths of my being, I let it enthrall.
For in this elixir, I find my release,
A taste of chaos, a moment of peace.[/hide]
Tabbah 3rd, IY 7787
Swimming upstream...
You were right. I should have listened or even realized it myself, but I was convinced I could thread the needle and get through these events safely.
Each decision had low odds of success, and each attempt to spin the wheel of fate and stop it precisely where I needed it although those odds were low was intoxicating. I was aware of the risk but it didn't stop me.
I gambled things I shouldn't have bet and now I'm facing down a very angry House that wishes to call in what I owe.
I need your counsel. I'm uncertain if such a thing is even within the rules of our arrangement.
Would you let the others, who are me and not me, suffer the same fate? No. I suppose it's a ridiculous question. They would never have gotten into this mess.
Tabbah 4th, IY 7787
Am I growing more powerful? Or was the vision sent by YOU? I suppose I already know the answer.
It is irksome to be indebted to my opponent, but... thank you. It brought much-needed clarity and a reminder of the importance of my own survival.
Cosine has the book. Tango Operation was unsuccessful, so I will need to think up a new approach. Most options available to me risk destroying our friendship forever, and it hurts to consider such.
I think many wouldn't have noticed, but I know myself better than anyone. She was sad. She had lost them both and had become colder and more withdrawn.
I need to be careful if I don't want to end up just like her.
When I draw near, time races on,
Moments fleeting, but swiftly gone.
The hours blend like swirling mist,
In her presence, time can't resist.
But when I'm far, time slows its pace,
Minutes stretch, a languid embrace.
Each second feels like eternity,
As distance weaves its tapestry.
She's made of time, mysterious,
Alters its flow, it's curious.
With you, time dances, it skips and bends,
A timeless trip that never ends.
In your presence, I'm swept afar,
A tempest stirs, secrets unbar.
I'll navigate the depths of fate,
Bound by this rhythm, we'll create.
Tabbah 7th, IY 7787
I just returned from the Fortress. I was worried Kythie would hate me, so I had to talk to her. I don't think she hates me, but it was a rough day for her. I think maybe she only has rough days. I remain hopeful that her fate can be changed.
The past few days have been extremely busy. More Estellises arrived, some to help and some to hinder. They called me the worst one and branded me with the most inauspicious number 4. They are wrong, however. I'm not so arrogant that I would think I'm the greatest Estellise, but I refuse to accept that I'm the worst.
Two books, both delivered. I should have placed tracking hexes upon both, but I didn't expect to lose the second. Hypatia and I continue to play our games. Is Ianthe her piece or YOURS, I wonder? Regardless, the acolytes both grow more obviously mad, and it reflects poorly upon the Priory. With all that I've seen of late, I wonder if I wouldn't have been a calming influence upon them.
I can't be certain, however. Cosine has never respected me and now he is disgusted and angry with me. I can't even blame him. Two people are dead and it's all my fault.
Today was supposed to be a good day. I got a new cabinet for my dolls today and I still haven't had time to even arrange my collection in it. I can't sleep, so I'll probably do that now.
Tabbah 10th, IY 7787
I can't sleep. I just keep seeing your drenched hand, red like blood, and dripping. I resisted the chalice. but the offered hand would have been too much.
Or was it a bluff? Surely, it must have been. Surely.
I would have put my mouth around a finger or two and it would have been rosewine and everyone would have started laughing. How fun it is to mock Estellise once more!
I am onto your moves at this point and unlikely to fall for them, perhaps that's why you and your pieces have become so bold lately.
Tabbah 14th, IY 7787
Through a delicate application of time magic, I've found a way to keep the flower from decaying too rapidly.
I should be sleeping. After all, I said I was going right to bed, and I didn't mean to make myself a liar, but the day's events still weigh upon me.
In truth, the longer we spoke, the more embarrassing things I revealed. I think it's because I was tired. I was not as guarded as I usually am. Although, at the same time, it was nice. I don't like being guarded all the time, but so few can be trusted. I think I trust her. We're friends even, she said as much.
I'm still worried about the meeting with the Lieutenant earlier. I feel like he knows everything, but maybe that's a strategy he's using to trip me up. So long as YOU do not wish me to be harmed by him any more than I wish to be harmed by him, matters are settled.
But I remain concerned somewhat. Why bring up my assurances to Hypatia at all? I would have potentially been inclined to give it to you if I could, but matters were complicated.
They should be settled. I must continue to remember that. Between tonight and the Oasis trip, I am content. I do not need these misgivings and worries plaguing my thoughts and keeping me from sleep.
I should work on a poem, something that will really help her when things are at their worst.
Tabbah 17th, IY 7787
The day has been difficult overall, even if certain elements of it were nice. The high heights have perhaps made the low depths that much harder to endure.
I woke up early to speak with Zaniah and she spoke of "mutual obsession". I disagreed vehemently. It's not an obsession. I do not need to stop, and her words just made me irritated.
Not going on the ashsail proved the better choice as it allowed me to have a much-needed conversation with Kythie. However, the events that occurred on that trip are extremely concerning and I need to devote more time to determining the best path forward. I probably should have been more circumspect about some of my plans, but I was both thinking aloud and attempting to make clear my intentions so no one could accuse me later of conniving against them. There have been too many lies lately, but now that I'm being more truthful, it is going at least as poorly.
Hypatia is extremely upset with me and I only partially understand. I feel like she knew the whole time we were playing a game, not just you and I, but also her and I. I thought we all enjoyed these games, but it seems that she may have been wholly unaware. She thinks it would have killed me if I drank it, but... surely not? You wouldn't kill me, right? Where would you even find another opponent to play with?
I'll give her space, even though I hate it. I've given people space and they die before we can work things out. She can have space but hopefully, she doesn't need too much of it. I don't want to lose my best friend. I considered that it might happen over time, as a result of her order's requirements, but to happen so suddenly and shockingly has been more than I can handle.
Mote has been very helpful as a listening ear for my concerns of late. In that, she has been a very good familiar. The dolls listen too, but they don't typically have much to offer in return.
Tabbah 21st, IY 7787
Master Oro and Cosine are concerned about me. I was able to buy a reprieve by explaining the curse and my intentions, but as I think on it further, I wonder why I haven't acted sooner.
I don't think Cosine is right, that I would risk someone's life for such shallow reasons as my own aesthetic choices. I think the answer is simpler than that. I fear it will come between us if I become too insistent. Regardless, I need to intervene, before it's too late. I'd rather she live and be upset with me than be gone forever.
Hypatia and I were able to reconcile, thankfully. I was able to give her the apology gifts I'd been amassing and see the brooker's helmet destroyed by the Sisters, as a show of good faith. Their methods are slightly less refined than the Tower's but seem to work well enough. I'm just relieved to have my best friend back.
Apparently, the chef Marl turned out to be the worst of the brookers we were seeking. While horrible in a number of ways, I can't help but find the situation amusing all things considered.
Brook-cook.
Tabbah 25th, IY 7787
It wasn't really about the treasury, but I think the Condottiero knew that.
I was able to give my Knight her gifts yesterday and she was very taken with them. I'd felt somewhat disloyal for engaging in the Twilight Waltz, admittedly, so it felt good to see her pleased.
Even if it was just a test of wills in my case, Lynneth is the most probable Knight in most cycles. The manifold branching paths include too many events of significance I must remain mindful of in order to avoid accidentally ending up in a Knight Lynneth future.
[hide=A page fragment labeled "Lynneth Path"]Get Directions from Lynneth on the first day in Ephia's Well
Receive Promise to Ride on an Ashsail from Lynneth
Lynneth says she will protect my smile
Lynneth becomes a Student and I become an Acolyte
I ask Lynneth to be my Knight
I become a Sister and Lynneth becomes a Balladeer
Ashsail promise fulfilled aboard the True Believer
Lamentable Culminations
Leave the Priory
Become a Brooker
Hunted By Lynneth
Kill Lynneth
Be Killed By Lynneth
Watch Lynneth die
Remember Her
Overwhelmed by grief
End cycle prematurely[/hide]
I am trying to actively avoid all choices made in failed paths. So far I have been successful.
The involvement by other selves has been extremely helpful in keeping this worldline from being lost, even if I've been wholly unfamiliar with similar interferences in previous cycles. I feel I should re-read Hypatia's work before I finish writing my own on the matter, since in truth I've always seen these events as a wheel, rotating on its own axis, while ever moving forward.
The existence of multiple wheels and the ability to move the wheel in two directions are both rather momentous breakthroughs, likely owing to my ever-growing power across cycles, and I will need to make certain they get passed into the next cycle if I'm somehow unsuccessful.
However, I remain confident in my own success at this time.
Tabbah 26th, IY 7787
This awful awful day is finally over.
I became overwhelmed by hopelessness. Unable to get rid of Cosine. Unable to speak with my friend. Unable to comfort my friend. Wracked by guilt over my choice to trust her to an uncertain fate, a fate neither of us truly understands. The ever-present temptation to study her change. I sought to do something, something desperate and drastic, to help her, spare her, save her, save myself, and remove the temptation.
But in the end, the threat of a door closing forever was enough to break my resolve. Maybe I can't even call it "resolve". It's likely not the best word to use for desperate choices made in a state of hopelessness.
She showed me some kind of "false friend" thing. Was she telling me that she was always false or accusing me of being false? I don't know that I can bear the former. It would mean that everything was pointless. It would mean all my pain was for nothing. It would mean that I thought we had something we didn't.
Expelled from the room I've lived in since a few days after my arrival in the Well. Mae didn't even wish to listen. She just stared at me hatefully.
I wanted to enter the Priory and try to fix things, but Kythie was probably right. I was in no state to meet with you. I would prefer you not see me like that.
I'm sad about Mote. Was she always a spy or did she come to loathe me the more she got to know me? Did she take my words as a challenge? I told her that my feelings were uncomplicated regarding her, that she was a fast friend, and I wished to continue spending time with her forever. I didn't want to say any of that. She just kept prying and prying.
People only want to know my feelings so they can use them to hurt me. I need to stop being so stupid and letting them.
Tabbah 27th, IY 7787
It's possible that I'm not so different from the Witch of Utterdark as I'd like to believe.
The thought that my Familiar Mote had betrayed me sent me to a dark place, and it had turned out to be untrue. How would it be with my Knight? Ten times as bad? 2n?
I've apologized in any case, to everyone. Lynneth was still angry. Hypatia forgave me so readily, I don't know if it's true, but I'm at least relieved that her message was a misunderstanding.
Mae has rather elaborate requirements for forgiveness. I don't like them, but I will try to do them regardless. I like Mae. I don't want Mae to hate me.
I need to write more, particularly when things get difficult. Not working through my feelings is what led me to do what I did.
I also should pet Amaris more. It's slightly unnerving being so near such a giant and dangerous creature, but I like her a lot so far.
Tabbah 30th, IY 7787
I exist in two worlds now, the world where my Knight is present and where she is not.
Having to attend the Congress without her or Mote was harrowing. Mae's presence was unhelpful since she is still mad at me. Maybe that was even worse.
I knew about Qa'im from books and stories passed on by others, but actually having to look upon them was so much worse than I could have imagined.
There are no paths. There are no causal relationships. They cannot be Seen at all. They are antithetical to my existence. I can't even look at them without feeling my throat closing, my heart beating in my ears, and the feeling that if I got too close, it would be the end of my existence.
As for the Congress itself, I knew all hope was lost as soon as Princess Hasheema emerged. It's ironic, considering her reputation, but in this instance, prudent action is needed to avoid ruinous paths. Between her and Marcellus, the crowd was compelled to do anything but.
My Apprentices want to go to war, so I will let them go to war.
Illul 1st, IY 7787
I didn't want it this way. Why did YOU do it this way?
I thought you knew what I wanted.
Was it this? Did I really want this outcome?
I wanted my best friend back. I didn't want it to be a lie. I wanted them together. It hurts. It doesn't hurt as much as before. But it still hurts.
You're supposed to protect me. You said you would.
But I made a mistake. I broke the rules of engagement. I took us to the brink, nearly to the point of no return.
It's my punishment too, isn't it?
I won't do anything that'll lead to this happening again. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It won't happen again.
Illul 5th, IY 7787
I didn't think she'd say yes, but I'm glad she did. I must find time to put the ideas I have to paper in some coherent fashion and also test their viability.
I wish she hadn't consumed the vial. I was really looking forward to making Lynneth small for a while. I imagine it would have strongly altered her perspective on a number of things.
Things are in a good place with Hypatia and Mae. Well, mostly good. They could be better, but they also could be a lot worse.
Based on my interactions with variations from other worldlines, it's evident that loneliness awaits me on many paths. I must be mindful of my relationships and ensure none of them fall to ruin, if at all possible.
I told her she was my favorite person, which was extremely embarrassing. Fortunately, the embarrassment was mitigated by her saying that she feels the same way. I'm still really excited about this.
I may not have a great many friendships, but I think I'm okay with having fewer if they are stronger and more meaningful. It does make losing them that much harder, however.
Illul 16th, IY 7787
They're both so impossible to deal with lately.
My thoughts are dark and gloomy of late. I just lie here and think about how I hope they both die in the war to come.
I know it's foolish. I know it'd make me sad if it actually occurred. But it's difficult to convince myself of that in these moments.
Even Mote is moody of late, which makes it difficult for me to achieve equilibrium. She thinks recent events could see Mae leave the Tower, but she doesn't know Mae as well as I do.
Mae is a coward. Cosine is a coward. I have nothing to hope/fear for. They're both cowards and will survive the war by doing what cowards do.
Hypatia almost helped me through an episode but she then had to go and ruin it by saying "You're my best friend" at the end. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
Maybe everyone is impossible to deal with lately. It was nice to see Kythie, at least.
I guess if there's one person who doesn't upset me to talk to, it's not me. It's everyone else.
Illul 23th, IY 7787
As the fitful nights get worse, I'm starting to realize it's probably me.
People keep asking me what I want and I can't answer properly. Some thoughts can remain ephemeral and false so long as they are not spoken into existence and made true.
I failed to divert away from this path and it's eating at me. Was there more I could have done? Probably not. I damaged my own credibility too much in order to win pyrrhic victories. I forgot the actual goal that mattered.
Thank you for speaking with me. My mind is less tumultuous than before, and in time, things should improve. I should be striving to be less affected by these events, but I'm not there yet. Seven more days.
Illul 29th, IY 7787
Clarity returned slowly, but surely, and I was able to speak to everyone I wanted to, even if some conversations were shorter than I would have liked.
For all her bluster, Hypatia is not going. Good. This is what I desired. Preventing the Disaster without her assistance will be an insurmountable effort, based on past attempts.
Her words with Mae would have solved both my problems simultaneously, so I desperately wanted them to work, but I didn't know how to convince Mae. Most attempts would have seen her pushed further away while also remaining. If Mae had left the Tower, the Ordination would have never occurred. If Mae had joined the Priory, she wouldn't be going to war tomorrow. She wouldn't be involved in nor punished for this wretched work at all.
Ultimately, I couldn't offer her what Ishkur can and has, and of the three of us, her work is most directly tied to the Tower's resources. It pains me that as her friend, the only option available to me is to allow her to continue walking paths she should not walk.
When she is gone, I will miss her so much that it hurts.
Sleep will be impossible tonight, so I'm not going to remain in the Tower at all. Instead, I think I'll impose upon Selbeth until everyone knows what I know, until they've all seen what I have seen.
Illul 30th, IY 7787
It hurts. Everything hurts. I have no one to talk to who understands.
She said not to trust the Torchbearers, that they tried to have her killed. The fact that Snorri and Mote didn't come back says it all.
The fact that Sephidra tried to destroy me over the wretched altar, an altar to a god that did nothing to save her... that says even more.
I just want to talk to Mote. I just want to see Lynneth.
I still have Hypatia at least. I need to remember that.
I have Mae until she dies, but my attempts to save her are just making her hate me.
I was able to get Bruno's issue placed up on the board somehow.
All the Banda Rossa that went are dead. They didn't fight selfishly at all. I'm too scared to ask about Kythie. It feels like I can't breathe.
Illul 31th, IY 7787
I threw Hypatia's dagger on the table. I forgot I still had it. I didn't want to hold the cursed thing any longer.
I almost killed Mae with it.
She just kept saying horrible things. I think she was trying to make me angry. She must have been trying to hurt me enough that I would do it. It nearly worked. The combination of her asking me to kill her and her ceaseless insults was too much for me to endure.
Her pleading, pained voice as she lay there brought me back to my senses. I took the weapon instead.
I almost killed them both with one STUPID act. I wasn't even sure if I should write about it here. I didn't want to disappoint you.
I'm sorry.
Qdim 3rd, IY 7787
My new apprentice Zain is certainly my most promising yet. I'm eager to see how his research comes along and am relieved that it only took three tries to find one who will not treat me disrespectfully.
Mae may choose to hate me, but it is a one-sided affair. She will suffer much in these days, perhaps even die, and the people will not soon forget this calamity that rests solely on her shoulders.
I truly do think that departing the Tower and taking up residence in the Priory or something similar would have been ideal. People wish to see contrition and her future potential paths are all so horrible at this point in time that a drastic shift might see her fate improved.
Still, I can't claim certainty here. There's too much Noise to have complete confidence. She has all the information she needs to make an informed decision and this is... her decision. Regardless, of what occurs.
It would have been helpful if that wretched assassin had taken the bait I laid. Cosine would have been in virtually no danger and the attack would have revealed much about his identity, but whatever. His identity will be uncovered soon enough. It is impossible to keep such things from a Witch.
Qdim 15rd, IY 7787
Is there no one who wishes to be the Legate who is capable of constancy?
I let him lull me into a false sense of security and was burned for it. I truly can't trust anything he says, and I feel foolish for believing a politician, but I'd thought he was different.
Most upsetting is the fact that he's taken something from me that is much more difficult to get back than to lose, my League membership.
These Legate candidates come and go, but he has left a scar upon me, a reminder of his presence and I am certain he is exulting over it.
This is far worse than having his dwarf come up and punch me.
Qdim 20th, IY 7787
I feel guilty because I know that what he did is something I would have done had I been in his shoes. I feel guilty because he feels unsupported, even after supporting me through similar fits.
But I still wish he hadn't done it. It's made everything far more complicated than it needed to be.
As I watch Cosine and Mae, I feel like it's worse than if they took nothing from their apprenticeships. Instead, I feel like they've learned to replicate my worst impulses, the impulses I struggle with, and why this journal even exists.
Mae wants them dead and as Magistrate, she has the power to see it done. I don't want them dead. I got used to them. I like Naelin's sense of humor, even when I hate it. I like Sephidra's cool demeanor and aged wisdom when it's not used against me.
And what if Naelin is right and Kythie comes back? What of Lynneth and Mote's spirits? How would they react to any of this?
Even putting aside ghosts, Hypatia is still here. Hypatia will find it unacceptable. I need to find her. She might be able to fix this.
Tesrin Hray 6th, IY 7787
I misplaced the journal, which has proven somewhat irritating, but I've found it once more. I was nervous that someone, such as Mae, had stolen it from one of my rooms.
Would she have given it to you, real or imagined?
She probably doesn't realize how pointless that would be.
Looking back on the past two weeks, I'm reminded of the dangers of the unexamined life. It leads to more outbursts, such as what occurred at the end of the trial. I was so irritated by the Janissaries and their abuse of our laws to legally execute people. I wanted to punish them for it.
I cannot afford such outbursts at this point. Zenithar Tu'lar made me feel foolish and petty. I didn't like feeling that way. My face was so warm I felt it was going to burn off. I was humiliated and felt like I deserved it.
It felt good to hear that you missed hearing from me. When you barely acknowledged my presence in the Legate's office, I became concerned that I'd displeased you in some way.
I know we sit across this gameboard from one another, but I still like talking to you. Your newest piece intrigues me. I allowed her to do as she pleased to humble Mae, but it doesn't mean that I have given up taking moves of my own.
If anything, the past two weeks has made it clear that such things can't be rushed.
Tesrin Hray 10th, IY 7787
Why give her the doll? Was it a test?
Surely you knew how it would turn out. It was horrible and I ultimately didn't watch.
Mae has clearly gone past a point of no return in this cycle. What is further interference meant to accomplish?
She is bound for Qa'im, I feel. The probability is not certain, but it is also too high to be ignored.
Still... I was glad to see you. It's not often we congratulate one another for moves made, and I felt very proud of this one. Everything came together even better than anticipated.
However, I took note later in the day that your newest piece was not as weepy and downtrodden as the Balladeers. Perhaps it was the joy of being a "pollster", or perhaps she's already hard at work on your next move.
If that is so, I look forward to it.
Tesrin Hray 18th, IY 7787
I don't know what possessed her to betray me so sorely.
A jest involving some stools and my kind words of advice were met with scathing words of cruelty.
I endured those, despite how much they hurt, and still left her alone to come to her senses. It was not enough for her, however. She had to hurt me further.
There are lines that once crossed can never be uncrossed.
Tesrin Hray 19th, IY 7787
Her explanation, if anything, just made it worse.
She wanted to hurt me. She wished to make me feel pain. She succeeded, but not in the way she thinks. I care about my doll collection, but I don't value dolls more than people. If I could burn the cabinet to ash and Mote would walk out and call me "Leese", I would do it in a moment.
The dolls would cheer me on even. They exist to bring joy to people. Even the dolls Mae kills are willing to accept their fate if it brings her some measure of comfort and happiness.
She succeeded at her goal. I am hurt because I trusted her. I always trust her and she always hurts me.
The difference between us is that when I hurt her, it is by accident, often while I'm trying to help her. I want my friend to feel less sad, so I try to fix things for her.
When she hurts me, it's because she wants me to feel pain. It is an intentional and vicious thing. She takes my love and responds with hatred.
She tells me to not talk about her. She tells me to not interfere in her life.
Fine. I will give her what she wants. I'll be in pain and I'll also leave her alone. She always gets everything she wants and it's never enough for her.
I let myself sleep next to her, where she could kill me at any time. I've stored my most precious things where only she could reach because I knew they'd be safe there. I've told her things I would never tell any other person.
It's NEVER enough for her.
How could she be so cruel?
She was supposed to be a place of safety for me.
Tesrin Hray 24th, IY 7787
"By the time you realize it will be too late?" Hardly.
My research had reached a plateau ages ago and you have gouged three new handholds in the cliff face.
The story up until this point was just the prologue and now the true story begins in earnest.
In case you cannot tell, I am elated.
Your boldest piece continues to impress but I think she may have committed her first error, and I mean to capitalize upon it. In a tower of wizards who think only of hard power, I alone understand the value of soft power.
What was done to the Legate is not soft power. What was done was a direct challenge to my desire to see the Well in balance, a requirement of preventing the Ephia's Well Disaster.
I see three paths before us and all three of them I can handle with ease. In all three paths, her actions are laid bare and raise suspicion and fear of the Priory.
And as always, I will be there to help remind people not to be overly harsh. The Priory means well, but the newly raised Sisters were overeager. They feared that Domhnall was a Tower puppet because of the licenses.
If I may pause my excitement for a moment and write candidly to you, was it really all done for want of Archaeology Licenses?
I care little for these licenses except as a tool to trip up others. I do not know how one little piece of paper can cause people to fly into a spitting rage, but it has proven a powerful tool for Fatespinning.
We handled Divination licenses so elegantly, you and I. If only everyone were like us. I respect Master Oro a lot but you're my
I suppose I've answered my own question in writing out my thoughts. Divination is an elegant, sublime practice. Archaeologists dig around in the mud for dinars and are like the foolish children they seek to emulate.
In any case, thank you for granting me this. Our game to come shall be a thing spoken of in whispers for centuries.
I'm slightly embarrassed at how much I wrote. I drank too much wine, but I hope it's not too noticeable. Forgive me, but I was in a celebratory mood.
Tesrin Hray 27th, IY 7787
These new moves are the most interesting yet.
I presumed a desire to be perceived as kind, demure, humble (and most importantly, unassuming) was always the goal.
Throwing caution to the wind and allowing your order to be perceived as manipulative and unnerving, to court fear rather than love is... unexpected and seems to be working well. People are actually growing more nervous to share details rather than less. Well done.
Bringing Narwen in was also an interesting way to handle things. She's not really someone I think of as particularly "Priory"-ish. Do the mysteries of the Craniach intrigue you so much that you will gamble upon her?
All this talk of war lately makes me so weary. Who cares about the sibilants, the thousand clans, and Qa'im?
THIS is the only battle that matters to me. The game between YOU and ME.
Kanön Hray 2nd, IY 7787
When someone passes a law making it a capital crime to damage shrines, then they shouldn't be surprised when the people turn their weapons upon the priests instead.
Break a religious brazier or an altar and it's death!
Punch or stab Mari Blacke? Minor crime!
Break every bone in her body? Serious crime!
It's not how I would choose to do things, satisfying or not, as I am a Fatespinner. However, I feel that this law's passing was somewhat myopic.
I despise her so much. Why is she so popular among the Balladeers and Sisters? She is not a useful ally. Her heresy is irritating. She is useless useless useless useless useless! She just EXISTS in all her smarmy, arrogant glory. The future is clear that if she is allowed to take power, the results would be disastrous! You can see the future even better than I can, so WHY would you allow this?
Is this the move that dwells in your heart?
You know I must counter it, right?
I refuse to believe that you like or see value in this woman. No one I respect so much would.
Kanön Hray 8th, IY 7787
I was initially very excited but now I'm just growing restless.
Are they going to do anything at all?
An invitation to the coffee shop to talk about Velan Volandis novels? I have never been so disappointed in my life.
What was I expecting? Betrayed by the Torchbearers, they still went into the Depths with them. Have I misjudged the Sisters?
I go out of my way to change the course of events, but if their design is just to accept the future as immutable, and wait for it to occur, is this approach not what is to be expected?
Does this explain how all their acts have been to undo our own works? They do not wish for the licenses, they only wish to stifle change.
They stole the meteor fragment and refused to listen to the Legate's orders to cooperate. Even now, they go out of their way to hide important security details from my Apprentices, to keep them out of meetings, so they can protect the city alone.
What reason have they to fear my Apprentices or me? They hold all the power and influence by virtue of being completely uninteresting, unassuming, asking for nothing, and doing nothing.
One could argue that they are doing plenty and it is concealed, but at that point, who cares?
If I dig a hole in the ground, bury a ring in it, and immediately fill it in with dirt, I cannot sit and smirk knowingly at the first traveler to come along. "I know something you don't."
From the traveler's perspective, nothing has occurred. It matters little that a ring is beneath his feet. It is intrigue for the sake of intrigue and why I despise the Gellemedes of this place.
I will save this place from the Disaster one way or another. If I do not succeed in this cycle, I will ensure that my successor knows where I went wrong.
Could I have done more from within this massive collective of Sisters, Balladeers, Torchbearers, and Sandstone College?
I feel most are subservient to the Sisters either directly or indirectly, and I'm also aware that I have tried that and for one reason or another, it did not work.
What fates came for me in those cycles?
Was I molded into the perfect reactionary? Was I convinced that the Disaster should occur and just sat by and let it?
Was I killed during Discernment for speaking out against my superiors? I could see this, but I can't imagine the other option.
I could never be the type of person who blocks the moves of others but takes none of my own. I could never smile and go on picnics and convince everyone that I am no danger to them, that I am their friend who will never do or say anything against them.
I am uncharacteristically emotional right now. I am both angry and crying and I hate it.
If you can read this, and I haven't completely misjudged everything, then I feel I owe you an apology. My words are disrespectful here, but the purpose of this journal is to still my thoughts so I can better handle the world. The only way that it works is if I do not hold back.
I suppose I will content myself with my research until the election draws near.
Kanön Hray 11th, IY 7787
My emotional state is leveling out substantially.
The back-to-back deaths of two wretches Dustwink and Anais surely have something to do with it.
As my glee settles, I must wonder at Cosine's inconsistent morality and whether it will prove problematic in other ways for me. Why protect so fervently something as dangerous and destructive as Ao but help me kill his Apprentice and callously shove his body into a trash chute?
If he values mechanisms more than human lives, that will certainly cause problems.
I suppose I only have myself to blame. My Apprentices both have been engulfed in the long shadow I cast. Both have been consumed by the Witch's Darkness. I have a strong moral fiber despite it all, but they are more malleable and easily influenced.
I need to come up with a plan to perhaps fix this before it gets worse.
Kanön Hray 14th, IY 7787
I'm not a monster. I am a seer.
Ten days ago I warned her.
I told her to stand down now, but she didn't listen. She grew weary of the imminent and wished more and more and MORE.
I'm not guilty. She brought this upon herself.
Hypatia is still capable of bluffing. I don't believe that she desired any of this. Mari Blacke was useful to the Sisters in some way, otherwise, why was she welcomed into their whispering circle so frequently?
Actually, when you think about it, her death is your fault and not mine at all.
My conscience is unbothered by these events. They will benefit the Well in the long run.
Kanön Hray 23th, IY 7787
His notes are fascinating but comically inaccurate. How can an accomplished magus be so wrong about so many details?
I have aided the Sisters in acquiring the cursed relic. They were less gracious than expected, but so be it.
I would have preferred to get a closer look at the wretched thing or for them to answer some questions about how it felt to touch it. Regardless, I saw many things of interest to me, but few amused me as much as their faces.
When you smile, it is enigmatic and hides untold knowledge.
When they smile, it is vapid and a pretense.
Perhaps by pretending to be you, they think they can become you.
That's not how it works, however. That's not how any of this works.
Adar 17th, IY 7787
If my calculations were correct, today is the day that Kreutz perishes as a result of this path that I began with my departure from Ephia's Well.
I wonder if his absence will make Mae realize her error or regret her final words to me.
Does she miss me? Likely not. Her egocentric and hateful natures have likely only grown worse in my absence, not better.
I've heard neither her nor Cosine speak to me through the bellows, so I know the truth, in any case.
I typically avoid dwelling on such thoughts, but this is the second day I've been trapped in this hamlet by an ash storm and I have nothing to do except dwell.
I have yet to find her but there's still plenty of time. The Disaster is over four years away.
Iyar 16th, IY 7788
It is with a sardonic smile that I read Domhnall's work The Republic Betrayed: A Study of Ephia's Well.
Obviously, I agree with the bulk of the text.
In fact, I invested a great deal of time and energy in Domhnall for two reasons. One, he saw the vital necessity of my work, and two, he was significantly likely to achieve power and come to certain realizations in time to do something with said power.
Regrettably, he did not. He has departed Ephia's Well by now, having been broken by false promises and false people.
I am convinced that YOUR influence was the cause, and I am not afraid to say so, for I am beyond your reach at the moment.
Well. That's not entirely true. I received Selsi's letter, after all.
I do not know what you see that causes you to move your pieces in such a way that they would hamstring such a man as Domhnall, but I know with certainty that if nothing changes, the Ephia's Well Disaster is a certainty.
I will stop it. But not right now.
Perhaps I will seek out Domhnall and see what state he is in.
Hziran 21st, IY 7788
Even possessing a presentiment of the future, some events are still extremely irritating to witness.
Cosine thinks to replace me with what is obviously a cleverly disguised visitor from another world line. The hypocrisy would be laughable if it did not infuriate me so.
I must not let such distractions get in the way of my work to stop the Disaster.
You likely think that I'm wasting time or that I have given up. I am not and I have not. In fact, you couldn't be further from the truth.
Plans as complex and multifaceted as my own take a lot of time to see to fruition. That is all.
Stupid Cosine. Stupid Other Me.
Hziran 28th, IY 7788
The long-awaited syzygy is finally here, and with it, my power grows.
Did you anticipate this?
Perhaps you did. After all, this celestial reconfiguration will augment the power of many of your lesser pieces.
It won't matter, however. I have not been idle and remain at the top of my game.
Hziran 29th, IY 7788
I can't stop thinking about how irritating it is. I bet those wretches like her better than me too.
I liked hearing from Cosine, but I would have preferred to hear from Mae. She has likely grown more unreasonable and unruly in my absence.
I hate having to return empty-handed, but it seems that my non-interference plan did not go in the direction I had hoped for. In 26% of futures, my absence saw Mae rise to power and grow as a person. In 13% of futures, it was Cosine.
Regrettably, we have entered into the suboptimal 61%, where neither of my apprentices has done so, and worse yet, they have let other interlopers gain far too much ground on them.
It is past time that I set things to right.
Hziran 31st, IY 7788
It is worse than I thought.
Cosine and Mae have fallen into indolent patterns which it will be difficult to break them of. Obviously, that won't stop me from trying.
Zain is largely fine, despite being possessed by the essence of Xon, the worst Nadiri. I do not expect the matter will be difficult to resolve for a Witch, however. Xon's clumsy work is adjacent to my own Hex Magic.
I have met the one who sought to usurp my position and she is less irritating than I expected.
I heard you welcome me back, but you did not welcome her back. I am certain that you are well aware which of us is your opponent across the Xiangqi board.
My apologies for keeping you waiting, but I am prepared to resume our game.
Tammuz 4th, IY 7788
I need to write. I need to distract myself. I need my mind to process these feelings.
I was never close to my siblings. The Empress adopted many girls for their excellence and I met few of them before the fall.
This is what I imagine having a close sibling is supposed to feel like, however. This is what I imagine it is like to have that relationship torn from you, like having your own arm ripped off.
"Tomorrow will be very dangerous for me, but it is necessary to maintain the alliance. The Janissaries respect me because they respect the shared service. I can't just skip over a warfront because I'm afraid or tired. It's the entire crux of the bond."
"I have little worry about your safety, otherwise I would not have sent the Throater to you to be killed."
If only I had held some inkling of what was to come.
"The djinn that reached out in the Legate's office-- I saw them. All of them, around me. They were dead. Long-dead. Skeletons, the flesh picked off their bones. Sitting, grinning for eternity, at each other. They died there, together, in the office."
Except, I did. A vision of death visited him the night before the battle, but I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn't even consider the connection. I am so angry right now but at myself most of all.
It's easy to blame everything on the djinn when there are so many other forces at play in this world. But he said it with such confidence, that I believed it out of hand like a fool. I usually would doubt such assertions, except when it was most important not to.
"Marcellus is my friend."
Was he? Would a friend sacrifice you to his newfound faith? That is what this is. The Red Hill will appear as a petty trifle compared to this conflict, Marcellus's blood sacrament to his dark god. If ever he considered Cosine a friend, those days are long gone.
Or perhaps he considered this act a way to honor that friendship. Analysis of the mind of a fanatic is impossible.
Writing isn't helping as much as I was hoping it would. My heart hurts. My body is tired. I just want to sleep forever.
Tammuz 9th, IY 7788
Qari wishes a fresh start. I have cautiously agreed to such, but I will be ever-mindful of the possibility of betrayal. If he thinks this will trip me up, he will be sorely mistaken.
The Torchbearers seem open to my proposed arrangement. I am hopeful that we can resume descents shortly. I will finish what I started down there.
I have been able to keep myself adequately distracted, for the most part.
It would be easier if you had not sent Selsi away on some errand right when I most need the diversion she would present.
Or perhaps you sent her away to keep things fair... I don't imagine I would be able to engage your finest piece at my best, admittedly.
And what of "Margarethe"? Did you expect her arrival? Have you made plans to counter this most unexpected of moves?
It's okay to admit that you did not. I will not think any less of you.
Tammuz 20th, IY 7788
I find it difficult to think about anything except the "lost time" earlier.
I cannot imagine what I could have done, how I acted or behaved, or worse yet, what was said. If I embarrassed myself, then I apologize.
It was pleasant to get to speak to you, admittedly. I was concerned that you were far too busy with all your new charges to make any time for such.
To that point, it is clear to me now that this new surge of Acolytes, including the early arrival of Sister Jamei in this cycle, is your countermove.
To have Selsi and Jamei operating concurrently within the cycle will mean having to tread ground perilously close to that which has seen my predecessors defeated, but so be it.
My next move is locked in. Even if you can see it, countering it should be an impossibility at this stage.
Tammuz 23rd, IY 7788
I made a mistake.
I let myself forget that the Janissaries possess no souls.
I'm normally better than this but they used Cosine against me, and I'm still not over his death.
He died for them yet they would destroy his memory and everything he cared about for what? A pat on the back from a superior? An appearance from whatever djinn is pretending to be The Wroth that day?
But I knew all this. I shouldn't have allowed them to trick me so.
Other than Master Oro, sometimes I feel like you're the only person in the Well who cares about my fate.
I can't die like this. If it came to it, you would save me? Right?
No, I imagine at the moment, it would be preferable to just let it happen, to let me reap what I have sown.
I need to pull myself together.
This isn't like me.
I can't let despair or fear cloud my mind.
Tammuz 26th, IY 7788
Today is the day that Alejandro died, a Key Event that only occurs when Legate Balstan takes power in Year 1.
This was the move I spoke of. I hope you are suitably impressed.
Even though I think he is a wretch, his election was necessary to capture an important piece from your side of the board.
Still, I feel some guilt. Not for the man Alejandro became, but for the man he was. He saved my life once. If he had stayed that man, I would have seen Nasreen to the Legate Seat and the Prince expelled.
The burden of a Witch of Fate and Time is a heavy one.
Tammuz 28th, IY 7788
It's her. How long have you known?
Wait. That's a foolish question. Obviously, this is entirely your doing.
The vast Gulf of separation that exists between the current me and the first me makes it only natural I wouldn't recognize her reborn into this world as a Witch of Darkness.
Still, I felt the connection from the start, and it unnerved me. So I allowed others to deal with her.
Could there be any other explanation?
She was unmade by the Demon King, so how is any of this possible?
Was it her in past cycles or is this new to this one? The book never gave specific attention to her, so I didn't know. They would surely have warned me.
Only "Margarethe" warned me, but she would know what I know, not limited to the knowledge of those who have failed in the past.
What am I supposed to do now? I can't destroy her without risking a violation of the Covenant. But, I can't let her destroy me either. Would she even be able to? What is her own Covenant?
I will need to consider well my next move.
She is more than just a piece after all.
Maribeh 4th, IY 7788
I couldn't find Mae, which was extremely irritating. Does she truly not care about her own future?
By refusing to speak at Kardesler, she has reduced her esteem and increased her irrelevance in Ephia's Well.
How will she ever attain Zenithar at this rate?
I'm calmer now, which is good. My initial instincts were to act somewhat rashly and likely that would have made Mae extremely displeased with me.
Fortunately, Margarethe stopped me before I made it to the bellows, and I was able to get over my initial surge of anger.
In truth, I need to focus less on these matters and more on my research. I've acquired many pages of notes on the Acolytes now and can update my notes accordingly.
They're all rather intriguing to me. They are extremely rough material. Do you plan to ensure they all are polished to perfection, or do you expect that some will fail Discernment?
Your piece moves differently than before. Her movements are more dangerous to me, but my defensive barriers still hold strong.
Did you tell her my favorite animal or did she truly guess in 4 tries?
Maribeh 7th, IY 7788
It pains me to doubt Hypatia.
This is what the Witch of Utterdark meant, however, when she said that a Witch who gets too attached to a single life, a single piece, will die.
I'm well aware that such attachments have led to my countless deaths in previous cycles.
But I'm not ready to give up on my attachments yet. I like Hypatia. I like Mae. I like Naelin. I like Aubrey. And many more besides.
In a way, it's not about her... it's about myself. I feel as if I have reached the point where if I believe the theory that Hypatia is entirely false, if I believe that she holds no love for me or even for Mae, then I will have given up a significant part of me.
Even if I win the game after having given up so much, was it even "me" who won the game? Or was it someone entirely different? Was the game won by a hollow existence that wears my face and speaks with my voice, one who has given up everything for a victory she can't even enjoy?
I will believe that Hypatia is still Hypatia, until too much evidence has been accumulated to argue otherwise to myself, and I am cornered with the realization that she is no longer Hypatia.
But only then.