Star Witch Estellise's Diary of Hopes and Dreams

[cmenden]

Tabbah 27th, IY 7787

It's possible that I'm not so different from the Witch of Utterdark as I'd like to believe.

The thought that my Familiar Mote had betrayed me sent me to a dark place, and it had turned out to be untrue. How would it be with my Knight? Ten times as bad? 2ⁿ?

I've apologized in any case, to everyone. Lynneth was still angry. Hypatia forgave me so readily, I don't know if it's true, but I'm at least relieved that her message was a misunderstanding.

Mae has rather elaborate requirements for forgiveness. I don't like them, but I will try to do them regardless. I like Mae. I don't want Mae to hate me.

I need to write more, particularly when things get difficult. Not working through my feelings is what led me to do what I did.

I also should pet Amaris more. It's slightly unnerving being so near such a giant and dangerous creature, but I like her a lot so far.

[cmenden]

Tabbah 30th, IY 7787

I exist in two worlds now, the world where my Knight is present and where she is not.

Having to attend the Congress without her or Mote was harrowing. Mae's presence was unhelpful since she is still mad at me. Maybe that was even worse.

I knew about Qa'im from books and stories passed on by others, but actually having to look upon them was so much worse than I could have imagined.

There are no paths. There are no causal relationships. They cannot be Seen at all. They are antithetical to my existence. I can't even look at them without feeling my throat closing, my heart beating in my ears, and the feeling that if I got too close, it would be the end of my existence.

As for the Congress itself, I knew all hope was lost as soon as Princess Hasheema emerged. It's ironic, considering her reputation, but in this instance, prudent action is needed to avoid ruinous paths. Between her and Marcellus, the crowd was compelled to do anything but.

My Apprentices want to go to war, so I will let them go to war.

[cmenden]

Illul 1st, IY 7787

I didn't want it this way. Why did YOU do it this way?

I thought you knew what I wanted.

Was it this? Did I really want this outcome?

I wanted my best friend back. I didn't want it to be a lie. I wanted them together. It hurts. It doesn't hurt as much as before. But it still hurts.

You're supposed to protect me. You said you would.

But I made a mistake. I broke the rules of engagement. I took us to the brink, nearly to the point of no return.

It's my punishment too, isn't it?

I won't do anything that'll lead to this happening again. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

[cmenden]

Illul 5th, IY 7787

I didn't think she'd say yes, but I'm glad she did. I must find time to put the ideas I have to paper in some coherent fashion and also test their viability.

I wish she hadn't consumed the vial. I was really looking forward to making Lynneth small for a while. I imagine it would have strongly altered her perspective on a number of things.

Things are in a good place with Hypatia and Mae. Well, mostly good. They could be better, but they also could be a lot worse.

Based on my interactions with variations from other worldlines, it's evident that loneliness awaits me on many paths. I must be mindful of my relationships and ensure none of them fall to ruin, if at all possible.

I told her she was my favorite person, which was extremely embarrassing. Fortunately, the embarrassment was mitigated by her saying that she feels the same way. I'm still really excited about this.

I may not have a great many friendships, but I think I'm okay with having fewer if they are stronger and more meaningful. It does make losing them that much harder, however.

[cmenden]

Illul 16th, IY 7787

They're both so impossible to deal with lately.

My thoughts are dark and gloomy of late. I just lie here and think about how I hope they both die in the war to come.

I know it's foolish. I know it'd make me sad if it actually occurred. But it's difficult to convince myself of that in these moments.

Even Mote is moody of late, which makes it difficult for me to achieve equilibrium. She thinks recent events could see Mae leave the Tower, but she doesn't know Mae as well as I do.

Mae is a coward. Cosine is a coward. I have nothing to hope/fear for. They're both cowards and will survive the war by doing what cowards do.

Hypatia almost helped me through an episode but she then had to go and ruin it by saying "You're my best friend" at the end. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Maybe everyone is impossible to deal with lately. It was nice to see Kythie, at least.

I guess if there's one person who doesn't upset me to talk to, it's not me. It's everyone else.

[cmenden]

Illul 23th, IY 7787

As the fitful nights get worse, I'm starting to realize it's probably me.

People keep asking me what I want and I can't answer properly. Some thoughts can remain ephemeral and false so long as they are not spoken into existence and made true.

I failed to divert away from this path and it's eating at me. Was there more I could have done? Probably not. I damaged my own credibility too much in order to win pyrrhic victories. I forgot the actual goal that mattered.

Thank you for speaking with me. My mind is less tumultuous than before, and in time, things should improve. I should be striving to be less affected by these events, but I'm not there yet. Seven more days.

[cmenden]

Illul 29th, IY 7787

Clarity returned slowly, but surely, and I was able to speak to everyone I wanted to, even if some conversations were shorter than I would have liked.

For all her bluster, Hypatia is not going. Good. This is what I desired. Preventing the Disaster without her assistance will be an insurmountable effort, based on past attempts.

Her words with Mae would have solved both my problems simultaneously, so I desperately wanted them to work, but I didn't know how to convince Mae. Most attempts would have seen her pushed further away while also remaining. If Mae had left the Tower, the Ordination would have never occurred. If Mae had joined the Priory, she wouldn't be going to war tomorrow. She wouldn't be involved in nor punished for this wretched work at all.

Ultimately, I couldn't offer her what Ishkur can and has, and of the three of us, her work is most directly tied to the Tower's resources. It pains me that as her friend, the only option available to me is to allow her to continue walking paths she should not walk.

When she is gone, I will miss her so much that it hurts.

Sleep will be impossible tonight, so I'm not going to remain in the Tower at all. Instead, I think I'll impose upon Selbeth until everyone knows what I know, until they've all seen what I have seen.

[cmenden]

Illul 30th, IY 7787

It hurts. Everything hurts. I have no one to talk to who understands.

She said not to trust the Torchbearers, that they tried to have her killed. The fact that Snorri and Mote didn't come back says it all.

The fact that Sephidra tried to destroy me over the wretched altar, an altar to a god that did nothing to save her... that says even more.

I just want to talk to Mote. I just want to see Lynneth.

I still have Hypatia at least. I need to remember that.

I have Mae until she dies, but my attempts to save her are just making her hate me.

I was able to get Bruno's issue placed up on the board somehow.

All the Banda Rossa that went are dead. They didn't fight selfishly at all. I'm too scared to ask about Kythie. It feels like I can't breathe.

[cmenden]

Illul 31th, IY 7787

I threw Hypatia's dagger on the table. I forgot I still had it. I didn't want to hold the cursed thing any longer.

I almost killed Mae with it.

She just kept saying horrible things. I think she was trying to make me angry. She must have been trying to hurt me enough that I would do it. It nearly worked. The combination of her asking me to kill her and her ceaseless insults was too much for me to endure.

Her pleading, pained voice as she lay there brought me back to my senses. I took the weapon instead.

I almost killed them both with one STUPID act. I wasn't even sure if I should write about it here. I didn't want to disappoint you.

I'm sorry.

[cmenden]

Qdim 3rd, IY 7787

My new apprentice Zain is certainly my most promising yet. I'm eager to see how his research comes along and am relieved that it only took three tries to find one who will not treat me disrespectfully.
 
Mae may choose to hate me, but it is a one-sided affair. She will suffer much in these days, perhaps even die, and the people will not soon forget this calamity that rests solely on her shoulders.

I truly do think that departing the Tower and taking up residence in the Priory or something similar would have been ideal. People wish to see contrition and her future potential paths are all so horrible at this point in time that a drastic shift might see her fate improved.

Still, I can't claim certainty here. There's too much Noise to have complete confidence. She has all the information she needs to make an informed decision and this is... her decision. Regardless, of what occurs.

It would have been helpful if that wretched assassin had taken the bait I laid. Cosine would have been in virtually no danger and the attack would have revealed much about his identity, but whatever. His identity will be uncovered soon enough. It is impossible to keep such things from a Witch.

[cmenden]

Qdim 15rd, IY 7787

Is there no one who wishes to be the Legate who is capable of constancy?

I let him lull me into a false sense of security and was burned for it. I truly can't trust anything he says, and I feel foolish for believing a politician, but I'd thought he was different.

Most upsetting is the fact that he's taken something from me that is much more difficult to get back than to lose, my League membership.

These Legate candidates come and go, but he has left a scar upon me, a reminder of his presence and I am certain he is exulting over it.

This is far worse than having his dwarf come up and punch me.

[cmenden]

Qdim 20th, IY 7787

I feel guilty because I know that what he did is something I would have done had I been in his shoes. I feel guilty because he feels unsupported, even after supporting me through similar fits.

But I still wish he hadn't done it. It's made everything far more complicated than it needed to be.

As I watch Cosine and Mae, I feel like it's worse than if they took nothing from their apprenticeships. Instead, I feel like they've learned to replicate my worst impulses, the impulses I struggle with, and why this journal even exists.

Mae wants them dead and as Magistrate, she has the power to see it done. I don't want them dead. I got used to them. I like Naelin's sense of humor, even when I hate it. I like Sephidra's cool demeanor and aged wisdom when it's not used against me.

And what if Naelin is right and Kythie comes back? What of Lynneth and Mote's spirits? How would they react to any of this?

Even putting aside ghosts, Hypatia is still here. Hypatia will find it unacceptable. I need to find her. She might be able to fix this.

[cmenden]

Tesrin Hray 6th, IY 7787

I misplaced the journal, which has proven somewhat irritating, but I've found it once more. I was nervous that someone, such as Mae, had stolen it from one of my rooms.

Would she have given it to you, real or imagined?

She probably doesn't realize how pointless that would be.

Looking back on the past two weeks, I'm reminded of the dangers of the unexamined life. It leads to more outbursts, such as what occurred at the end of the trial. I was so irritated by the Janissaries and their abuse of our laws to legally execute people. I wanted to punish them for it.

I cannot afford such outbursts at this point. Zenithar Tu'lar made me feel foolish and petty. I didn't like feeling that way. My face was so warm I felt it was going to burn off. I was humiliated and felt like I deserved it.

It felt good to hear that you missed hearing from me. When you barely acknowledged my presence in the Legate's office, I became concerned that I'd displeased you in some way.

I know we sit across this gameboard from one another, but I still like talking to you. Your newest piece intrigues me. I allowed her to do as she pleased to humble Mae, but it doesn't mean that I have given up taking moves of my own.

If anything, the past two weeks has made it clear that such things can't be rushed.

[cmenden]

Tesrin Hray 10th, IY 7787

Why give her the doll? Was it a test?

Surely you knew how it would turn out. It was horrible and I ultimately didn't watch.

Mae has clearly gone past a point of no return in this cycle. What is further interference meant to accomplish?

She is bound for Qa'im, I feel. The probability is not certain, but it is also too high to be ignored.

Still... I was glad to see you. It's not often we congratulate one another for moves made, and I felt very proud of this one. Everything came together even better than anticipated.

However, I took note later in the day that your newest piece was not as weepy and downtrodden as the Balladeers. Perhaps it was the joy of being a "pollster", or perhaps she's already hard at work on your next move.

If that is so, I look forward to it.

[cmenden]

Tesrin Hray 18th, IY 7787

I don't know what possessed her to betray me so sorely.

A jest involving some stools and my kind words of advice were met with scathing words of cruelty.

I endured those, despite how much they hurt, and still left her alone to come to her senses. It was not enough for her, however. She had to hurt me further.

There are lines that once crossed can never be uncrossed.