The Journal of Bashir Khatara

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tammuz 15th, IY 7788

Triffi says that we're friends already! But we pretty much met a few days ago... Wait, I checked the journal, she's actually right, I've known her for at least two weeks! But I don't move that quickly with friendships anymore, I learned some harsh lessons about that! I'd say that we're at the "chum" stage... Which is better than acquaintances, but still not really friends! Also, she keeps being really rude towards me, so... It might stay at that stage!

Naelin gifted me some wondrous silk! It was rather curious, but still, easily some of the finest quality silk that I've seen in a long time! Inspiration struck, so I wanted to make something out of it immediately! I called for Alejandro to help me, because he knows a lot of songs about arts and crafts, which is a giant boon for such work! It was one of those spur-of-the-moment sort of deals... So, I ended up making a cloak instead of a scarf. I'm not a cloak person, really... I'm so used to scarves... Yet it is still such a fabulous cloak that I'm going to be wearing it a lot. I hope I can make a scarf out of that stuff next time!

Alejandro held the Great Asterabadian Raffle... and Alric won! The Dice of Democracry favored him, the most! Stern was really mad about the raffle... She complained that it wasn't truly Asterabadian, or according to the Lily tenets, or whatever! However, people like raffles, and they attract a lot of attention... I don't think anyone would've come to a literature circle, or whatever... Especially because nobody can find a copy of Asterabadi's works! Except for me! But I'm not reading philosophy, because it's really dull...

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I visited Harrowden with the Torchbearers, guided by Atticus! It's this squalid town, on this island, in the middle of the Sea of Pearls... It was so depressing there! First of all, the air was filled with an eerie, green mist... And it was raining the entire time! I hadn't seen rain for such a long time, but... There was something about that rain that I didn't like. So, after the initial glee, I was just sort of bummed about it. Thankfully my parasol doubles as an umbrella!

There was still quite a lot to see, like this antiquarian that had quite the collection! Lots of art on display, but... even the paintings were depressing! There was this painting of a horse that only had three legs! I hated it! I felt so bad for the horse! Thankfully, they still had some souvenirs for sale, so, I bought Zain some tarot cards... Which he seemed intrigued by, thankfully! I don't know anything about magick, or magick cards, so, I was worried that he'd hate them, but he didn't, so I'm really happy, because I want to give him great gifts, so that he can be comfortable...

We also visited the inn... There was this crazy geezer with a telescope staying there! I should be more careful about talking to crazy geezers in the future! Which is kind of my job, really, come to think of it, at times...

The last place we visited was this old church! It was a real peculiar place. I didn't understand much, there... Something about the number seven, which is my favorite number, and something about prophecies and such... Omens give me a headache. The church was still eerily beautiful, though..? I don't know if that's a weird thing to say...? It was sort of tranquil. In a creepy way. I'd read books there...? For a quarter of an hour or so. Then I'd get out! Because it'd get too frightening!

After that, we sailed back to Qadira, and got on the caravan back home... Then, we discovered that someone had burned Eclair's romantic novelettes! What a horrid crime! What accursed mountebank could've committed such an atrocity?!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tammuz 16th, IY 7788

Narwen has a bird friend, now! Charity the Eagle! He was rescued from the Thousand Clans... I don't really get what the orcs are doing with all of these birds, because I don't otherwise see any of them with any avian buddies. Maybe they're just trying to eat them...? I wouldn't eat an eagle, myself, they're far too cute! I wish I had a bird friend, too... But all I have is a giant lummox that keeps carrying me into danger!

Marcellus gave us the Scribal Bell! It's just a bell meant for ceremonial purposes. So... it's pretty much there to be rung at the beginning and end of Assemblies. Maybe in the middle, too. Actually, it's going to be rung at all times, because people here can't focus at all... They're even worse at it than me! I mean... just this morning, I almost forgot to eat my halim because I was so awfully distracted... I got this absolutely fabulous idea for some termeh, and it was simply so grand that I couldn't think about anything else!

Then I realized that I'm way too busy for such arduous work, and returned my attention to my breakfast... The halim had cooled too much! What a disappointment... At least Tonka didn't try eating it!

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Otherwise, it was a rather dull day, as rife as it was with politics... I really wish I knew magick, I think people would bother me less if I did, and respect me a lot more... I don't think that the Golden Vizier has to deal with so much bullshit on a daily basis! I'd invent a bunch of spells to get away from annoying people, like Bashir's Rainbow Road, which summons a rainbow that carries you somewhere pleasant... Or Bashir's Ripple of Refusal, which fends off dinguses with a big ol' tsunami! Or, maybe even Bashir's Shawl of Shame, which fills irritating idiots with such a strong feeling of embarassment that they simply have to leave!

Coming up with spells is so easy! Why don't more wizards invent spells...?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tammuz 17th, IY 7788

Lately I've had a tinge of that old familiar feeling... Envy. I wish I could just drown it in wine... But I keep seeing couples walking around together... Headed to lunch, to home... To places and endeavors that I can't even begin to guess... Yet they do it all together. I can do that with friends, sure, but... I wish I had someone I truly loved to share such moments with! I'm in my thirties, and I haven't had a single healthy romantic relationship. That's just fucking depressing...

I guess there was that one painter in Waterdeep... Those three months were so precious...

But then I cheated on him with his biggest rival.

I'm really awful, aren't I...? Three months of committed love is the best I can do...?

Anyhow... Narwen was talking about towers, and how they're an important symbol. I think I'd like living in a tower... Oh. I wrote about that before. Yeah, I still haven't gotten my tower full of flowers, or my husband. Let's think about something else...

PLEASE CEASE YOUR MELANCHOLY IN A MOST IMMEDIATE FASHION. ABSORBING SUCH MISERY CAUSES A MOST UNPLEASANT EXUDATION.

I was just doing that! I dropped off my painting of Tonka to Niranye's gallery... It's not the greatest painting ever, but it does depict someone that's really important to me, so, at least it's meaningful to me... Paintings... That painter spent weeks painting me... Then his rival painted me in the nude just to spite him. I can't even remember their names. They had a duel on the pier, and everything... Well, it was more like a violent knife fight, really... What's wrong with me...?

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THIS IS EXCRUCIATING, YET I CANNOT RELOCATE MY FORM. WHAT IS THIS GEAS THAT YOU'VE CURSED ME WITH?

That's just the gossip catching your attention, and forcing you to acknowledge how much of a wreck I really am...

I DESPISE THIS GOSSIP! SPEAK OF SAMTON'S FURY, INSTEAD!

His fury...? Oh, right. I tried helping him with his aspects, again, but the chakra transfer only reinforced the courageous energies! I think that's the aspects telling him that he'll need to be brave in the future... But it made him so mad that he started kicking and shaking the railing around the Pilgrim, and yelling like a male banshee... A manshee... Anyhow, it was kind of weird, and I felt guilty, much like I feel right n

NO. PLEASE CONTINUE MAKING WHIMSICAL OBSERVATIONS ABOUT THE PHENOMENA THAT OCCURS AROUND YOU, INSTEAD OF TORTURING ME WITH REMINISCENCE REGARDING YOUR REPREHENSIBLY AMOROUS PAST.

Fine... Could you live inside a colossi hat...? I was talking about giant hats with Eclair, because Naelin and Sephidra were gone somewhere, and they were probably skulking around in some colossi ruin, and there might have been colossal hats, I don't know... I think living in a giant hat would be pretty sweet, because there would be no rent or taxes, and maintaining a giant hat is much easier than maintaining a house, and it'd just be kind of cute, really...

Also... Balstan seems like a shrewd man. Hooray, for potentially easy-to-work-with bosses... I guess...

Also, also, I'm never forgetting to buy more books for Inky, ever again.

SUCH A GRAVE MISTAKE SHOULD BEST STAY UNREPEATED.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tammuz 18th, IY 7788

Alric was interested in this creepy bird mask that Sephidra had, but he didn't have any money... So I bought it for him! He better not wear that thing to work! He might startle Martin! Which never ends well... Anyhow... Why didn't he have any dinar...? He is being paid... He must be splurging all of his money on something! He better not have an addiction of some sort!

It'd be real weird if the addiction turned out to be towards creepy masks...

I gave a guy by the name of Devlin the aspect he wanted, on the first try! Then I gave Samton Ash, even though I tried really my very best... I felt so bad for him! That's a really shitty aspect! The aspectral energies can be truly unforgiving, sometimes! Yet I'll keep dancing, to ensure that the people get what they want, in the end! I'll dance for the Scholar, dance for the Politician... Dance for the Clarity, dance for the... Dancer! Yeah!

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Then, a guy called Ju'ahri wanted to be my bodyguard... He said that I would "want him", and that he would carry me all over the sands! I'm not sure what to think, really... Other guys have said that to me in bars and taverns, and they've meant something completely different! Oh well... He was kind of handsome, I suppose... My last bodyguard kind of just disappeared, though, so, if he was actually talking about that, I have one more trust issue to work through...

I was getting some coffee at the Soot Lamp, and ran into Elias, so, we had a pleasant chat, for a while, before going outside to the rooftop and continuing there... It was nice, for a moment, until this performer came and interrupted us, and just lingered there awkwardly! He did leave, thankfully, after just standing there for quite some time... I just wanted to get to know Elias better, and gossip him with him about guys! And I wanted to learn how close him and Alejandro really are! And I learned quite a lot! I think my cunning plan to get them together should involve Alejandro's room... cleaning... and his sock drawer! Yeah!

Anyhow, apparently the Sandstone has lectures on lupins, and lupins only...? They're rather pretty, but I didn't know that they would focus on just an individual type of flower... I want a frangipani lecture! If I could be the Disc's foremost frangipani expert, I would!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tammuz 19th, IY 7788

Can't ever be simple, can it...? We're given just a couple of hours to prepare for Kha'esh. There's a very simple request made. Everyone involved is told of how limited our time is. And even then, there are delays, and confusion... And as much as the Astronomers tarried, they couldn't even commit to that fucking request. They come to the offices, each and every day, demanding to meet in an immediate fashion, but when something extremely simple is requested of them, they can't even deny it in a succinct fashion. Just a simple, immediate "no" would've been preferred. Useless...

At least nobody went brew shopping at the very last minute. I absolutely despise when people do that. What the fuck are you going to do with wajeebs on a diplomatic mission, anyhow? Are you trying to impress the... Nawab of Pthsteka... with a nice blue glow?

If it turns out that they actually do have a Nawab, I'm starting the Brotherhood of the... Serendipitous... Rice Pudding... I don't know, I'm hungry.

And of course the demands of Kha'esh have to be the most burdensome bullshit possible... Which I'm somewhat inclined to agree to. Which will mean plenty of yelling from Colmes and representatives of the Sultan... I don't even mean accepting them simply as they were presented... With some additional clauses from us, of course... But even then, it'd effectively make me a traitor in the eyes of a lot of people. Of course I would advise the Council to simply say no, if we had any alliances of note...

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Yet we've not many allies to speak of. Two mercenary bands, and one financier who's extremely picky about what they're ready to fund. Grand. Who else has land forces to such an extent, and is actually ready to attach them to our cause, in exchange for something that doesn't immediately doom us? I don't think most folk understand just how dire the situation is... I think someone will still suggest hiring more mercenaries, even though Kha'esh has most of them on retainer, now...

"Oh, we should negotiate with Il Modo, instead!" Sure. Sure. Maybe they can loan us a nice giant eel that'll suffocate the immediate moment that it's brought to land. "Why haven't you contacted Tlonsiyya?!" We have. Multiple fucking times. They don't respond to anything. Also, there's a literal landslide between them and us. "Ephia's Well can solve this on its own, as long as we have hope and stand together!" Fuck no, we can't. Hope is completely meaningless if it can't actually be grasped on some level. And Ephia's Well, standing together...? People here can't even agree if it's day or night...

The only real good thing that I got from yesterday were Eclair's words of friendship... Which really cheered me up. Momentarily, anyhow. I feel like shit again. I'd rather spend my time having adventures with her than have my days be a constant barrage of bullshit that I've no actual solutions to...

She's a good friend. I'm not sure if I am, but I'll try to be... Maybe I can help her with Margarine, somehow.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tammuz 20th, IY 7788

I was thinking of getting drunk off my arse, last night...

I didn't, because coming back to the Torchbearer Hall like that would've been utterly humiliating. So, this situation is at least making me steer clear of some of my vices. Which, considering the stress, is not necessarily a good thing...?

I really should just find out about things on my own, in the future, instead of listening to others and assuming that they're correct... I mean, I should've learned that lesson by now. People still occasionally answer questions meant for me about the Stele, despite never operating it themselves, and they get all the facts wrong with such confidence... So, why should I trust them about any ambassadors, either?

Utterly embarassing...

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Anyhow, these Council meetings work so differently based on how many folk we have! If we have just councilors and a few cabinet members, there really aren't that many distractions... If we have councilors, cabinet members, cabinet members' friends, the friends' cousins, the cousins' cousins, a talking dog, the talking dog's talking armadillo friend, Azimi, Azimi's doppelganger, Azimi's doppelganger's doppelganger's doppelganger... Then the same questions are repeated over and over about things that have been already said, because everyone is having a private conversation during the proceedings and nobody is actually focusing on the actual meeting!

I don't even know whose cabinet some folk were in, if any cabinet at all! I don't even know how they got up to the Divan, really!

Anyhow... Now I have a ton of letters to write! And not the fun kind, like letters to Zain, or to Alejandro, though I don't write a lot of letters to Alejandro because he's so easy to find... Anyhow, these letters are more like a puzzle, really, and I'm not good at puzzles. Every piece has to go together perfectly, as not to offend the recipient... I don't have to be afraid of that with friends!

...too much!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tammuz 21st, IY 7788

When you're faking it for long enough, you start believing in it yourself. For a moment there, I thought I was doing something of importance, and that I actually had some sort of road ahead of me, even if it were one utterly covered in foliage...

But there's no road. There's just an endless crevasse.

Whatever advice I gave regarding Kha'esh was completely disregarded, and thrown into the trash. Right in front of me. I could not even attempt to fix it in any way, because Tariq insisted that she would talk to the Legates, and them only. Any murmured advice I tried giving them was just ignored.

When the Council was being formed, the Sultan's representatives made it very clear that they wanted diplomats. My name was one of the ones that were entertained for the position. Colmes picked me, surprisingly enough. I always wondered if Sephidra wouldn't be better, but I've very much realized that talent doesn't really matter here... It's a hopeless effort, no matter who is doing it.

Because you are not a diplomat, in the end, under these circumstances. You're an ignored advisor.

So, for a long moment there, I was thinking of simply erasing my name from the Vizier position, via the Stele. I was going to quit being a Scribe, too, and inform Colmes that my seat can't actually function at all, because my position isn't actually recognized by the complete and utter lunatics that we have to deal with. But some friends calmed me down with some sage words... I guess Naelin's a friend now. She's done plenty enough for me. And Nasreen even helped me transform into a parrot, so I could fly around for a while... Which, while silly, was easily the highlight of my day.

And in the end, it really was just friends. I at least expected some words of encouragement from Frederica, but she just approached it in the most backhanded way possible.

"Now. You can quit as Vizier, but I still desperately need you as a Scribe."

And for the first time, for the entirety of my time working here... I had no respect for her. None whatsoever.

She's just my boss. Nothing else.

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And then, this mess of a situation is solved by the Sisters simply making a jaunt over to Kha'esh, and doing whatever it is that they do... They didn't even have Nebtu with them. And suddenly, the Golden Vizier accepts the altered terms. So, effectively, the Diplomatic Service accomplished absolutely fucking nothing regarding something that we started a few weeks ago.

But, because I am the Disc's Biggest Idiot, I'm still going to keep at it... Because at the end of the day? While it's one of the worst fucking jobs you could ever have... I still get paid. A lot. So, I'll just keep working and collecting my wages, despite not accomplishing anything at all, and throw the dinar at others to at least give them some semblance of joy. I'll also be buying a lot of wine. A lot. I'd buy more clothes, but I'm stuck in the toga now, as fashionable as it is.

Maybe we can pivot the Diplomatic Service into writing travel guides, instead. "While visiting perpetually sunny Qadira, especially during wartime, live a little! Get robbed by a pirate who somehow manages to eat, despite only having one tooth remaining! Contract megascurvy, as the befouled air sucks the citric nutrients right out of your body! Play the favorite pastime of any Qadiran, the hit quiz game 'How Many Venereal Diseases Does the Maharaja Have Today?'"

This is cheering me up, actually...

"Kha'esh has plenty to see, even for orcan invaders! See the Museum of Brooking, where you can witness the first baby to ever brook! A tragic lesson about infantile ignorance! At the Azarmidokht Academy of Levitation and Golden Emination, you too can learn to float like a fancy ponce! Sashay into social gatherings with catty arrogance! The hottest pub in town, the Caravanserai, offers you the unique experience of getting stabbed by fifty different thugs simultaneously, all belonging to different mercenary groups! Kha'esh is truly a multicultural marvel!"

Okay, that's enough... I'm still going to be bitchy to someone, today. Who's going to be the unlucky soul...?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tammuz 22nd, IY 7788

Yesterday was full of people worried about me, and proclaiming their love for me, and telling me how important I am for the Well... It made me feel much better, but... I was still quite embarassed. I guess when I'm sad, it's really obvious... But then again, I did drink about fourty or fifty bottles of wine, the day before, so... My liver's probably going to explode in a month or two... but in a healthy way, because I drink just wine. 

Selsi was saying that I saved her life, but I really don't know about that... I did suggest to the Council and the Legates that there probably should be an escort for the Kha'eshi, so, maybe I helped by planting that thought there. Maybe. Just a little. In some faint fashion that I can't really recognize, much, but... That goes for a lot of things. I don't really understand half of the praise that I get. I should just learn to accept it, I suppose, even though I am quite curious of the reasons for some of the love that I get...

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Frederica also proclaimed me the employee of the month. Some folk congratulated me for that. I don't really know about that, either... It's just a nominal thing that has barely any meaning whatsoever. Kind of a "we appreciate you, but not enough to promote you, or give you anything meaningful" sort of deal... I've gotten stuff like that in other jobs, too... Right before I've ditched town because I got bored. Words of demeaning appreciation from the boss... Sometimes you get a handshake, too. I hate handshakes. They're so butch...

Also, a lot of guys don't wash their hands, and I hate touching strangers, so... Well, strangers I'm not attracted to, anyhow.

I did go on a few excavations with Alejandro and Elias. It was pleasant... I wish I knew anything about archaeology. Or history... I kind of just nod along and make vague comments about stuff that I sort of have an inkling of, as Alejandro explains things... I guess that's enough for him, though. I do wish those two would move in together, already.

I don't really know what I want for myself. I'm not sure if I ever did...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tammuz 23rd, IY 7788

When I was younger... a few years younger, anyhow... I used to pick a random cloud, and just follow it around until I found something interesting. Usually I'd just find some dangerous ruin, filled with monsters... but even running away offered plenty of excitement. Occasionally, I'd find someone's cottage. Which I'd proceed to rummage through for food...

I was hungry.

I kind of wish that I had a cloud like that, for my career, because I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, now. Being the Vizier of Ephia's Well was so meaningless, that I felt guilty for being paid for doing effectively nothing... Yet going back to being just a Scribe is dreadful. Simply because there's absolutely no career prospects left... I can't be promoted, I can't get a raise, I can't achieve anything meaningful. Mostly just stand around in meetings, transcribing them, writing reports that most don't even read, giving advice that goes unheeded...

And the fucking licenses.

I counted how many I have sold... It's 161. I hate maths. I had to count them five times before I was somewhat satisfied with the result... I don't want to sell a single fucking one, anymore. But I'll have to, anyhow.

"You do such good work, Bashir" is basically like getting stabbed by a rusty dagger, at this point.

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I'm not sure why I stayed. Maybe it was just Frederica threatening me with treason... or trying to protect me from it by refusing to sign the termination papers... maybe it was just a lie. Maybe it was guilt. I don't know. I was going through a lot of emotions and I don't remember every single detail, nor was I in a state to understand nuance...

I do feel guilty though, because she's right. The Sublime Gardens have given me a lot... It's just that in the end, it's mostly just pretty baubles. And even though I'm completely and utterly vain, I still want something more. Maybe the vanity is the reason for that, in the end. The envoys to foreign lands are plenty, because at least they're an experience... But then I feel guilty because I'm not sure if my presence actually added anything to the outcome. I don't want to be just a vagabond... I want to earn my pay.

And then there's the fact that I embarassed myself so thoroughly yesterday, that my career is effectively dead. My bosses will either see me as unstable, or just being unable to control my emotions enough to warrant a higher position. So, I'm stuck as Senior Scribe until the day that I die, and that day is probably really close.

The dream of actually reaching Baz'eel was really naive, wasn't it...? If Alkab sends me a job offer, I'll gladly take up a clay tablet and learn how to write on one... But that won't happen either. Not that it would actually make me happy.

I don't know what would.

Yesterday was another proof that a lot of people care about me... I just don't know why. I really don't. They say that I'm helpful, that I'm a good person, that I'm keeping things stable and sane... But all of it just sounds like bullshit to me. Most of my life has been spent lying, and I'm still lying to them, right now. I'm lying to myself, too.

In the end, I don't know who I am, or what I want.

I'm stuck.

So, so stuck.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

INTERMISSION

Play with the cards that you're dealt.

A cliche that I've been repeating to some... Most likely because I've been getting sloshed a lot and throwing my money at Slade, because at least getting a Royal Dragon made me feel something.

Repeated it to Frederica... "I will play the cards I have to prevent that."

"That" being my self-immolation through alcohol and a complete abandonment of self-preservation.

Repeated it to my doctor, Vijaya Bollimunta. "If you don't like the cards, pick a more favorable ruleset."

Also, she was understandably rather angry at me for showing up tipsy to her office. She doesn't show emotion, much, so... A very telling sign that it's time to stop.

So. A couple of lessons, here.

Lesson I: Even if I don't understand why people care about me, or adore me, or even love me, that doesn't matter. I don't need to understand their reasons for doing so. What I need to understand that their reasons are genuine.

Lesson II: I will never learn to know myself if I try to do it on my own. I'm too much of a liar and performer for that. Other people are at least capable of telling the truth, so... Listen to them and improvise based on that.

Lesson III: As big of a wreck I am, I still have more than most. If I can't make myself happy, then I should focus on giving joy to others. And in the end... that makes me far happier than any bauble, any position, any status or anything like that could.

If people see me as just a Scribe...

Then I'll be the best fucking Scribe that there has ever been.

Even if I won't actually know what I'm doing more than half of the time.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tammuz 24th, IY 7788

I think I know what my problem is... If I don't have meaningful work to distract myself with, my mind just keeps wandering, and eventually, it wanders to the past... And then I get stuck in a cycle of self-loathing, and if that keeps on for long enough, I burn out and explode... It's awful.

So, maybe the Chief Scribe's assignment was just a ploy to distract me. I don't know. But it's working... I enjoy making outfits for people, and I enjoy hearing how much they love them... The Divan uniforms do set quite a lot of limitations, but working under such a strict ruleset is a pleasant challenge. It has also forced me to make note of certain subtleties present in the Accord's uniforms... The copper tones of the Fourth, the silver accents of the Balladeers...

I also get a lot of tips and feedback from folk, too... Like Eclair! I really like working on the outfits with her advice! Because of her knightly demeanor and posture, she also makes for an excellent model!

And the Scribal Tailoring Kit... It is truly wondrous! Such immaculate scissors, and I never thought I'd be impressed by a mere sewing needle, but it truly is the most wondrous one I've ever had, or seen. I used to browse the markets, and just look at such tools without having the money for them... Even thought about stealing them, but... I think the only thing stopping me from doing that, back then, was because I doubted whether I would ever actually learn how to use them to their full extent.

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Others would probably laugh at me for being so fascinated about such simple things, but I'm a very simple person, in the end... Maybe that's another problem. I just work in politics, but I'm not a politician... So, despite people liking my oration skills... I don't know if someone as simple as me has an eye for the necessary plots, or has the willpower to push against all the nonsense from these lunatics... At least not at the fore.

Besides work... I was talking with Elias and Zuli, and Elias was telling us about his shampoo, which seemed...and smelled... truly fabulous! But then I got transported to the Burgus again! It was awful... A bunch of other people got stuck there, too. Someone or something gave us skin of clay! I like a good clay mask, every now and then, but that was just ridiculous! But then, we got out of there, because of a pixie... It was weird. I wish a witch would invent some sort of countercurse against wizards and their burguses... So, whenever they'd attempt to trap someone inside their burgus, it'd trap themselves, instead!

The Burgus is also such a drab place... It gave me no inspiration whatsoever for fashion! But the pixie did! I hope my kit has the particular green pigment I have in mind...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tammuz 25th, IY 7788

I've been making a lot of progress on the Divan outfits! The problem is that I get some conflicting feedback... Especially for the Balladeer uniforms! Some prefer the version with the tabard, some prefer the suit... And Alejandro, for some reason, thought that it was for the Banda! I don't know why. He was the only one to think that... At least most of the feedback is useful. Someone did ask me about the color choices, and uh... they're for the factions...? I'm not going to make an orange outfit for the Balladeers!

That's for the Torchbearers!

Also, judging from some of the comments that I got... I think some Ephians might be color blind without realizing it...? How horrible!

The most difficult Divan uniform, by far, is the Fourth's... And that was the very first assignment. It's just that dark green is a really difficult color for suits... And I have to have those copper tones, too... But the most difficult aspect of them all, is the Samton Test! The outfit can't look weird on Samton! He's one of the pillars of the Fourth, now, so, the outfit has to look great on him! But he somehow manages to get his horridly thick thighs into those stylish sleek pants in an utterly strange manner... It's like a baobab with the tiniest set of roots...

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For some reason, Dante the Nadiri keeps turning into a dog. I think it's because he met a cursed dog on the road, and got infected with the dog curse. Which, I hear, is a thing. Well, I just keep hearing about cursed dogs out in the wastes, really... Maybe it's just hearsay spread by folk that don't care for puppers. Anyhow, grandpa Danebluff shanked him, because he doesn't like barking, or something. He's kind of scary. Getting shanked turned Dante back into a human, though... I hope that's not the only cure, because that's going to be so painful for him, otherwise!

I'm surprised that Dante was the only one to ask for one of my maamouls, though... I ate most of them by myself! I've been stress eating, a lot, lately... But I've also been stress jogging, so, that evens it out, because running away from your problems is the greatest form of exercise if you take it literally...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tammuz 26th, IY 7788

Of course, when I'm assigned to a labor that I actually enjoy doing, someone immediately has to start complaining about it... And for some reason, she thinks that the outfits are for me. I could state what I'm doing a hundred times, and someone would still be unclear on it. You would think that walking around in the colors of the various factions of the Well would make it utterly obvious, but no such luck. Maybe she's one of the unfortunate that are blissfully unaware of the fact that there are colors other than black, gray and white.

For the utterly dim-witted and blind, "the Scribes do nothing" is a common topic, usually brought out when their escapades in hobgoblin bordellos start to bore them. It requires one to be willfully ignorant, and some are ready to engage in that just for the sake of getting some attention, I suppose. Maybe I'm an idiot for partaking... But it's so irritating. A Recluta can stand slack-jawed on the tavern floor between contracts, but nobody ever questions what they're doing. A Scribe brings some paperwork over to somewhere other than the Pyramid and some dickweed immediately begins asking why "they aren't working".

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And why the fuck does she think that the eleven thousand dinar was just for my wages...? It is just such an incredibly stupid thing to say that it feels like she's just getting it wrong on purpose... Especially when I transferred two thousand dinar to the Scribe wages myself, paying it out of my own income... Not that it matters. I really could announce that I'm adding ten thousand dinar to the wage treasury myself, out of my own pocket, because I want my colleagues to be paid, and people would still ask where the money came from, and why. Because brain damage is the most common condition for those that engage in politics here...

Some people here are so hollow, and so angry due to the least meaningful of shit, that they have to take it out on whomever they can find... And for a few people, that happens to be me, because I'm an emotional mess, and I respond when prodded long enough. I kind of feel like just staying at the Pyramid all day, again, because whenever I leave, someone has to ruin my day just for the sake of doing so...
 

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tammuz 27th, IY 7788

I loved him so much.

Seeing him leave the Well always had me so worried... Not because he couldn't protect himself, but because the wastes are fraught with danger to such an extent that nobody is safe.

Worry.

On occasion, especially as my body shivers and trembles as it does now, I wish I could return to the shield of apathy that I created to shelter myself from the Pasha's cruelty...

Yet then I witness how those that feel nothing go on about their lives, especially after such tragedies. They scurry together, hurl insults at those that are already hurting, project their own massive weaknesses onto others, yapping like attention-starved dogs, all because there is a moment in time where people are focused on someone other than them.

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The world has far more need of those that actually care. He did. And so will I, even if the cost is day after day spent amidst the agony of loss.

I wish I could hug him. I can still hear his voice, and see his smile, but how long will that last...? Memories are so fragile... and for me, especially the pleasant ones seem to bear that flaw.

I walked to the archives, again... Opened the file, again... Removed another letter, again. My greatest fear is that there will be no letters left. Reading it now... I really should put more thought into them. Yet I don't want to spend too much time with them, to begin with...

He was my best friend. Each and every day, I looked forward to spending time with him. I'm not sure what I have to look forward to, now... Because currently, I just fear of losing more of my friends.

A letter.

Alejandro,

you are one of the kindest people that I have ever met. I always felt that there was a sadness hidden underneath, but I did not pry. I didn't feel like I could help... In fact I felt like I would've made things worse if I had asked. I am sorry if you felt like that I should have done more.

Our chats atop the rooftops, our shared glasses of wine... They were moments of genuine joy for me. I felt like I could be myself, for a chance. And after a spell, I acted so in front of others, as well. I thank you for this. I hope that I gave you the same opportunity.

You probably suspected it, but I didn't wish to talk about it. I am sorry. It's just not something I wanted people to see me as, but... I used to be a slave. I was freed somewhere in my early twenties. From what I remember, anyhow. I didn't have a happy childhood. I never knew my parents. This isn't an attempt to drown you in emotional baggage. I just thought that I should finally admit the truth to you, and stop the act.

Most of my life has been an act. Our friendship wasn't. Every moment that I spent with you, I loved. I have never loved a friend before. I am not even sure if I had friends, before you. I truly loved you, without any hesitation.

Love. I hope that you can find it. I know that you have a type, but... Consider someone who isn't a hurtful jackass. You deserve someone who will actually cherish you.

Bashir

[close]

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tammuz 28th, IY 7788

That malicious Don Honey, Horatio Servario, struck again! He teleported me from the Pyramid's stairs, all the way to the Tower... And right next to Zain! I think he had just woken up. Thankfully, he was fully clothed! That could've been really awkward... Anyhow, because we're both finding this rather irritating, we decided to pull a trick on Horatio Servario, and pretend that we're trying to go steady, in order to avoid a real relationship, which Horatio Servario might force us into, at some point, because of his magickal matchmaking powers. This makes perfect sense!

Also, Zain said that he finds me extremely comforting to be around, so, there's that too...

Niranye's art gallery had its opening, finally, and it was a most grand affair! There was plenty of wondrous art, and even a most comprehensive collection of Ephian poetry! It's obvious that everyone involved had worked very hard to make it a possibility... My favorite works were... Zain's, of course! He even made a tapestry of me, which was really touching. A newcomer to the Well, Mr. Bongo, really liked my painting of Tonka, and thanked me for allowing him to appreciate art more! Something like that, anyhow... Plenty of other folk liked the painting too... I think Tonka's famous, now! At least slightly so.

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Rashid, like always, was being a grumpy dickweed! He kept saying that every piece of art on display was either juvenile or self-indulgent... He did like Magnifica, though...? I think. Maybe it was sarcasm. Maybe he has a soft spot for plump chickadees... Oh yeah, Magnifica wanted people to look at her, so she was just kind of hanging around Zain's tapestries... Even Grandpa Danebluff seems to like chickens, because he gave some garlic for her to snack on. Maybe Magnifica was the only thing keeping him from going on a shanking spree!

So... It was kind of a good day. I was reminded of Alejandro on a constant basis, though... But I somehow managed to keep my composure. I did want to cry a lot. But the Well is not really a place to cry in public, even if your reasons are genuine... I hope that there'll be a few days of peace, at least, to calm my nerves... But I highly doubt that will happen.