Star Witch Estellise's Diary of Hopes and Dreams

[cmenden]

Maribeh 25th, IY 7787

I am so exhausted but sleep is hard to come by. The temptation to join her on the rooftop was significant, but obviously, it would have been an unwise choice. I'd rather not share with anyone the thoughts going through my mind right now. I would have told her everything, and she would have despised me for it.

It is risky enough to share it here with YOU but she is beyond your power to influence, so I'm willing to take the risk.

The experience in the Crucible was harrowing. If I've ever been that scared in my life, I can't recall it. I've dealt with horrors plenty of times, but I've always been well-prepared or in an environment where they had little power. Also, they were usually cosmic horrors and not djinn, admittedly.

Cosine was supposed to be there. It would have been fine if he'd been there. The whole point of bringing him despite his feelings about Amelie was to mitigate the risk to everyone present. I told him as much afterward. I may have... been too harsh after. I could sense everyone's disapproval, but I wasn't in the mood to stop.

I needed to let out my frustrations rather than allow them to turn inward. Even now, my inner thoughts threaten to choke me with despair. I hated Amelie in there for sticking to her ideals even if it meant we would all perish. I was paralyzed. I wanted Velan to do it, to make the contract so we could all go free. I wanted to escape. I wanted Kythie to escape. She had the bodies and it was noble of her and anyone else would have been impressed by her heroics but I could barely breathe thinking she was going to die for bodies, bodies we could do nothing to save, that were already lost to us. We never should have gone in, but then Amelie would have been lost forever. I'm so stupid. I should have gone to the rooftop instead of closing myself off in here with these thoughts, but she'd hate me. I need to remember this is all Alfred's fault, but what is worse, sacrificing your soul to save your life or wishing for others to sacrifice their souls to save your own? I'm glad Amelie is safe. I'm glad more didn't die. I'm glad I'm safe. I'm glad she's safe. I need to remember that. I need to remember that we're safe and it's over.

This is not helping. I need to rest, but first, one more glass of wine.

[cmenden]

The carpets may clash, patterns askew,
But your company, a vibrant light,
With every passing moment, anew,
Makes waiting seem not a tedious plight.

In this room of carpets, dreary and vast,
I find respite in our connection's thread,
For when I'm with you, time slips past,
And waiting becomes a joy instead.

So let us endure this languid hour,
In the midst of carpets' glaring sea,
For with you, my heart finds its power,
And waiting transforms into sweet harmony.

[cmenden]

Maribeh 27th, IY 7787

Today was admittedly quite a busy day, busier than I've had in some time. Good. I'd rather keep my mind occupied with my duties than dwell on what occurred in The Crucible.

Another expedition was required. I decided to employ the Banda Rossa for it. Since lowering their prices, it's made the option more appealing. Obviously, it doesn't hurt that I get along well with many of the Balestrieres. I'm reminded, however, that I haven't seen Isotta in some time. I hope that she's well because I have much to tell her.

Mae's promotion occurred today. It irritates me that Cosine's approval was required, rather than just my own, but on some level, I think that I should have realized the Zenithars were aware of our close friendship. My objectivity regarding Mae is something I wish were better. But the same is true of Cosine, and no one questioned his promotion! Either way, I am glad for her and should focus on those feelings. Mae deserves this.

The expedition was challenging, but nothing compared to the Crucible. Alejandro threw his body in front of mine to save me from danger, despite our strained relationship of late. I should make peace. Maybe.

I'm still agitated over the Lyrist's poem. The Balladeers were far too amused by my suffering. I shouldn't even be writing about this and giving YOU the satisfaction, but I see it for what it was, a move made by my opponent across the table. Perhaps it is revenge for my having acquired so many drinks. If so, so be it. It won't matter within a day, as I plan to conduct a private experiment with my supply and document the results with a thoroughness the Balladeers could never dream of.

I wonder what I will see. No doubt, it will be something you would deny me.

[cmenden]

Maribeh 28th, IY 7787

Fine. The move was well made. It doesn't matter. I'll get more if I wish.

There's not much more to write here that I didn't say in person.

I have lost a piece but I do not intend to resign.

And today, I have learned some of your order's history. The game continues.

[cmenden]

Maribeh 29th, IY 7787

Can you trust these words even? How do YOU know that I'm not lying to you? I am a witch after all.

Ugh. I don't even know that anyone is reading this. I'm just tired. I stayed up late burning papers to mourn them. First Pirouette, now Velan. So many were pointlessly killed for the crimes of that wretch Alfred.

I also talked to Cosine a lot. He keeps overstepping in my business with Kythie. I told him to stop and why I want him to stop. I probably shouldn't have, but I was emotional after everything that happened. I've trusted so many things with him, even speaking about my fears regarding fixation, things that were Vergal still alive could be used to destroy me in a moment. I don't think he'd ever betray me intentionally, but unintentional betrayal remains a risk. He was quick to question my actions in the Gellemede Temple despite the presence of Janissaries, and I have yet to see what will come of it.

Recluta Ahura gave me some kind of not-apology today. It was most irritating, and even more irritating was the fact that she wouldn't explain herself nor would she apologize in truth.

My interactions with the Banda Rossa have long been complicated. They seem to have a great many inside jokes among themselves, and occasionally some of them have even been at my expense.

For example, the unnerving Condottiero asked me if I liked shows. What meaning could that have held? Was she thinking of putting on an impromptu play right there and spontaneously changed her mind? Was she hinting at some future plan? It is irksome not to know.

[hide=Uncrumped paper, folded and shoved in]Violet elixir, thirst unquenched, I drink,
Through veins it flows, desires in sync.
An untamed river, emotions unfurled,
Bittersweet nectar, my chaotic world.

Its power courses, with each potent sip,
A torrent of feelings, a passionate trip.
Promises whispered, both dark and sweet,
In this brew of emotions, I find retreat.

Yet fear grips my heart, this inner fight,
As my passions consume me, day and night.
I'm held captive by this insatiable thirst,
The Drink of Violet, its allure, accursed.

But I surrender to its enticing call,
In the depths of my being, I let it enthrall.
For in this elixir, I find my release,
A taste of chaos, a moment of peace.[/hide]

[cmenden]

Tabbah 3rd, IY 7787

Swimming upstream...

You were right. I should have listened or even realized it myself, but I was convinced I could thread the needle and get through these events safely.

Each decision had low odds of success, and each attempt to spin the wheel of fate and stop it precisely where I needed it although those odds were low was intoxicating. I was aware of the risk but it didn't stop me.

I gambled things I shouldn't have bet and now I'm facing down a very angry House that wishes to call in what I owe.

I need your counsel. I'm uncertain if such a thing is even within the rules of our arrangement.

Would you let the others, who are me and not me, suffer the same fate? No. I suppose it's a ridiculous question. They would never have gotten into this mess.

[cmenden]

Tabbah 4th, IY 7787

Am I growing more powerful? Or was the vision sent by YOU? I suppose I already know the answer.

It is irksome to be indebted to my opponent, but... thank you. It brought much-needed clarity and a reminder of the importance of my own survival.

Cosine has the book. Tango Operation was unsuccessful, so I will need to think up a new approach. Most options available to me risk destroying our friendship forever, and it hurts to consider such.

I think many wouldn't have noticed, but I know myself better than anyone. She was sad. She had lost them both and had become colder and more withdrawn.

I need to be careful if I don't want to end up just like her.

[cmenden]

When I draw near, time races on,
Moments fleeting, but swiftly gone.
The hours blend like swirling mist,
In her presence, time can't resist.

But when I'm far, time slows its pace,
Minutes stretch, a languid embrace.
Each second feels like eternity,
As distance weaves its tapestry.

She's made of time, mysterious,
Alters its flow, it's curious.
With you, time dances, it skips and bends,
A timeless trip that never ends.

In your presence, I'm swept afar,
A tempest stirs, secrets unbar.
I'll navigate the depths of fate,
Bound by this rhythm, we'll create.

[cmenden]

Tabbah 7th, IY 7787

I just returned from the Fortress. I was worried Kythie would hate me, so I had to talk to her. I don't think she hates me, but it was a rough day for her. I think maybe she only has rough days. I remain hopeful that her fate can be changed.

The past few days have been extremely busy. More Estellises arrived, some to help and some to hinder. They called me the worst one and branded me with the most inauspicious number 4. They are wrong, however. I'm not so arrogant that I would think I'm the greatest Estellise, but I refuse to accept that I'm the worst.

Two books, both delivered. I should have placed tracking hexes upon both, but I didn't expect to lose the second. Hypatia and I continue to play our games. Is Ianthe her piece or YOURS, I wonder? Regardless, the acolytes both grow more obviously mad, and it reflects poorly upon the Priory. With all that I've seen of late, I wonder if I wouldn't have been a calming influence upon them.

I can't be certain, however. Cosine has never respected me and now he is disgusted and angry with me. I can't even blame him. Two people are dead and it's all my fault.

Today was supposed to be a good day. I got a new cabinet for my dolls today and I still haven't had time to even arrange my collection in it. I can't sleep, so I'll probably do that now.

[cmenden]

Tabbah 10th, IY 7787

I can't sleep. I just keep seeing your drenched hand, red like blood, and dripping. I resisted the chalice. but the offered hand would have been too much.

Or was it a bluff? Surely, it must have been. Surely.

I would have put my mouth around a finger or two and it would have been rosewine and everyone would have started laughing. How fun it is to mock Estellise once more!

I am onto your moves at this point and unlikely to fall for them, perhaps that's why you and your pieces have become so bold lately.

[cmenden]

Tabbah 14th, IY 7787

Through a delicate application of time magic, I've found a way to keep the flower from decaying too rapidly.

I should be sleeping. After all, I said I was going right to bed, and I didn't mean to make myself a liar, but the day's events still weigh upon me.

In truth, the longer we spoke, the more embarrassing things I revealed. I think it's because I was tired. I was not as guarded as I usually am. Although, at the same time, it was nice. I don't like being guarded all the time, but so few can be trusted. I think I trust her. We're friends even, she said as much.

I'm still worried about the meeting with the Lieutenant earlier. I feel like he knows everything, but maybe that's a strategy he's using to trip me up. So long as YOU do not wish me to be harmed by him any more than I wish to be harmed by him, matters are settled.

But I remain concerned somewhat. Why bring up my assurances to Hypatia at all? I would have potentially been inclined to give it to you if I could, but matters were complicated.

They should be settled. I must continue to remember that. Between tonight and the Oasis trip, I am content. I do not need these misgivings and worries plaguing my thoughts and keeping me from sleep.

I should work on a poem, something that will really help her when things are at their worst.

[cmenden]

Tabbah 17th, IY 7787

The day has been difficult overall, even if certain elements of it were nice. The high heights have perhaps made the low depths that much harder to endure.

I woke up early to speak with Zaniah and she spoke of "mutual obsession". I disagreed vehemently. It's not an obsession. I do not need to stop, and her words just made me irritated.

Not going on the ashsail proved the better choice as it allowed me to have a much-needed conversation with Kythie. However, the events that occurred on that trip are extremely concerning and I need to devote more time to determining the best path forward. I probably should have been more circumspect about some of my plans, but I was both thinking aloud and attempting to make clear my intentions so no one could accuse me later of conniving against them. There have been too many lies lately, but now that I'm being more truthful, it is going at least as poorly.

Hypatia is extremely upset with me and I only partially understand. I feel like she knew the whole time we were playing a game, not just you and I, but also her and I. I thought we all enjoyed these games, but it seems that she may have been wholly unaware. She thinks it would have killed me if I drank it, but... surely not? You wouldn't kill me, right? Where would you even find another opponent to play with?

I'll give her space, even though I hate it. I've given people space and they die before we can work things out. She can have space but hopefully, she doesn't need too much of it. I don't want to lose my best friend. I considered that it might happen over time, as a result of her order's requirements, but to happen so suddenly and shockingly has been more than I can handle.

Mote has been very helpful as a listening ear for my concerns of late. In that, she has been a very good familiar. The dolls listen too, but they don't typically have much to offer in return.

[cmenden]

Tabbah 21st, IY 7787

Master Oro and Cosine are concerned about me. I was able to buy a reprieve by explaining the curse and my intentions, but as I think on it further, I wonder why I haven't acted sooner.

I don't think Cosine is right, that I would risk someone's life for such shallow reasons as my own aesthetic choices. I think the answer is simpler than that. I fear it will come between us if I become too insistent. Regardless, I need to intervene, before it's too late. I'd rather she live and be upset with me than be gone forever.

Hypatia and I were able to reconcile, thankfully. I was able to give her the apology gifts I'd been amassing and see the brooker's helmet destroyed by the Sisters, as a show of good faith. Their methods are slightly less refined than the Tower's but seem to work well enough. I'm just relieved to have my best friend back.

Apparently, the chef Marl turned out to be the worst of the brookers we were seeking. While horrible in a number of ways, I can't help but find the situation amusing all things considered.

Brook-cook.

[cmenden]

Tabbah 25th, IY 7787

It wasn't really about the treasury, but I think the Condottiero knew that.

I was able to give my Knight her gifts yesterday and she was very taken with them. I'd felt somewhat disloyal for engaging in the Twilight Waltz, admittedly, so it felt good to see her pleased.

Even if it was just a test of wills in my case, Lynneth is the most probable Knight in most cycles. The manifold branching paths include too many events of significance I must remain mindful of in order to avoid accidentally ending up in a Knight Lynneth future.

[hide=A page fragment labeled "Lynneth Path"]Get Directions from Lynneth on the first day in Ephia's Well
Receive Promise to Ride on an Ashsail from Lynneth
Lynneth says she will protect my smile
Lynneth becomes a Student and I become an Acolyte
I ask Lynneth to be my Knight
I become a Sister and Lynneth becomes a Balladeer
Ashsail promise fulfilled aboard the True Believer

Lamentable Culminations
Leave the Priory
Become a Brooker
Hunted By Lynneth
Kill Lynneth
Be Killed By Lynneth
Watch Lynneth die
Remember Her
Overwhelmed by grief
End cycle prematurely[/hide]

I am trying to actively avoid all choices made in failed paths. So far I have been successful.

The involvement by other selves has been extremely helpful in keeping this worldline from being lost, even if I've been wholly unfamiliar with similar interferences in previous cycles. I feel I should re-read Hypatia's work before I finish writing my own on the matter, since in truth I've always seen these events as a wheel, rotating on its own axis, while ever moving forward.

The existence of multiple wheels and the ability to move the wheel in two directions are both rather momentous breakthroughs, likely owing to my ever-growing power across cycles, and I will need to make certain they get passed into the next cycle if I'm somehow unsuccessful.

However, I remain confident in my own success at this time.

[cmenden]

Tabbah 26th, IY 7787

This awful awful day is finally over.

I became overwhelmed by hopelessness. Unable to get rid of Cosine. Unable to speak with my friend. Unable to comfort my friend. Wracked by guilt over my choice to trust her to an uncertain fate, a fate neither of us truly understands. The ever-present temptation to study her change. I sought to do something, something desperate and drastic, to help her, spare her, save her, save myself, and remove the temptation.

But in the end, the threat of a door closing forever was enough to break my resolve. Maybe I can't even call it "resolve". It's likely not the best word to use for desperate choices made in a state of hopelessness.

She showed me some kind of "false friend" thing. Was she telling me that she was always false or accusing me of being false? I don't know that I can bear the former. It would mean that everything was pointless. It would mean all my pain was for nothing. It would mean that I thought we had something we didn't.

Expelled from the room I've lived in since a few days after my arrival in the Well. Mae didn't even wish to listen. She just stared at me hatefully.

I wanted to enter the Priory and try to fix things, but Kythie was probably right. I was in no state to meet with you. I would prefer you not see me like that.

I'm sad about Mote. Was she always a spy or did she come to loathe me the more she got to know me? Did she take my words as a challenge? I told her that my feelings were uncomplicated regarding her, that she was a fast friend, and I wished to continue spending time with her forever. I didn't want to say any of that. She just kept prying and prying.

People only want to know my feelings so they can use them to hurt me. I need to stop being so stupid and letting them.