The Journal of Bashir Khatara

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

A Memory of Zhaleh: Dog Eat Dog

The balcony.

Zhaleh's rocking chair sways back and forth.

I am reading to her from a book. One of her old favorites. A story about a djinni falling in love with a young human maiden.

She strokes my hair with surprising affection. A quality that her daughter utterly lacks.

In the alley across from us, street dogs fight over scraps. She can't see them, but she can hear them.

"It's a dog eat dog world out there, Bashir!"

Her interjection is followed by a slap of her knee, as she cackles like a witch.

I continue reading, unsure if I should be afraid or amused.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 6th

I wish Azimi would stay the fuck away from me. I wish I had a better head for alcohol. I wish I wasn't constantly afraid of being fired for minor mistakes. I wish I could meet some aristocrat from Baz'eel and run away with him. I wish my lungs didn't feel like they're going to choke each other.

Now that the hyperventilation is over with, back to a more grounded reality. I got a letter of commendation from Frederica. I would've been fine with just a regular letter, but the seal on it is enchanted with a variety of spells. Having such a tool in the form of a letter will certainly be useful. They'll think that I'm just reading something related to whatever's going on, and then I'll disappear into thin air and just walk away. Probably shouldn't do that with clients, however...

I hate to write more about Azimi, but I simply have to so I can get her irritating cacophony out of my mind... She is like a manifestation of projection. Every single accusation that she throws at others would better describe herself. If she loves the sound of her own voice, then it truly is only the sound, as she does not seem to listen to the regurgitated content at all. In the future, she is to be serviced like the nuisance she is... As efficiently as possible, so that she does not disturb the premises any longer than necessary.

Helping Zain with his research was a delight, however. He seems sweet, and very diligent. Whereas I mostly work to distract myself, he seems to genuinely enjoy his labor. I did question that, at first, but I've met others like him in the past. Trouble reading emotions, yet an intense focus towards whatever task they set themselves upon. A pity that he has to work with utter lunatics. I look forward to reading his published work, even if I do not have any particular talent for appreciating academic literature. Aspects are an interesting enough subject matter, however.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

A Memory of Zhaleh: Don't Go Trusting Men

Zhaleh's bedroom.

A colorful room. A citrusy deluge of green, yellow and orange hues, bright in tint. On the wall, above her bed, a skillfully woven rya hangs, depicting a corn harvest. A souvenir from her trip to Vaasa.

I am fluffing some pillows. Zhaleh needs three of them. Two for her head, one for her back.

As I set them under her, she suddenly stares directly into my eyes, and makes an abrupt declaration.

"Don't go trusting men, Bashir. In the end, they only want one thing..."

She begins coughing violently, and never finishes the sentence.

I leave the room with an amused smile, fully aware of what she was about to say.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 8th

Dining with Zain was a very pleasant change from my labors. Even if Azimi was apparently spying on us. Doesn't she have anything better to do? Anyhow, I wish I understood philosophy at all, because Zain seems to be into it. Is there a primer? I really don't want to be speechless when someone's talking about their passions... Well, some people are fine with just having an earnest listener. I hope to see his weaves soon. Maybe I should try taking up weaving, it would certainly keep me distracted during assemblies. Distracted enough, anyway.

I've kind of been procrastinating with these interviews. I keep seeing the people that I'm supposed to interview, but then I can't really think of what to say. Fine start. I should just get them over with. Pretend that I'm not even there. Attain some state where I'm just a bundle of questions. How spiritual. I better get paid well for this. I took a look at some furniture catalogues, and the prices are downright offensive. If living here is so expensive, just how many millions do you need to live in Baz'eel?

Some people are really trying to push this "Throater" moniker on the assassin. I get it, it's an insult, but maybe don't make them sound like a streetwalker? The next assembly will just be a competition of who gets to say "throater" the most, won't it? And then people will forget that there's an actual paid assassin in town, and one that's actually frighteningly good at their job, too. No wonder the tabloid publisher came here. Though I do have to wonder if anyone in Baz'eel actually believes any of the news coming from here.

Also, I'm apparently stupid enough not to realize that the tournament in Kha'esh will obviously have slaves fighting. A disgusting affair. I most likely will have to go anyway, though. Just so that if another sizeable amount goes missing from the treasury, I at least know why in advance.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Memory Memories of Zhaleh: Her Medicine

The kitchen.

Between my fingers, a tiny little vial.

I shake it.

The silvery liquid within begins bubbling and frothing.

I quickly uncork it, pouring the contents into a goblet of wine.

Later in the evening, a woman, wizened by many decades, drinks the mixed concoction. Zhaleh yr Parisa el Khatara. Matron of her family.

It is not the first, nor the last time that this happens.

When it began, the pasha Saida told me that it was her mother's medicine, that she refused to take. I was naive enough to believe her.

I shiver. I've not really commented on these entries much, but... Was I always such an idiotic sycophant? Am I still like that? Yet I still remember the guards in the halls and outside... Was there ever a moment where I could've done things differently?

In the end, she was just a slaver, just like her daughter... Just because she was occasionally nicer to me means very little. Yet there still is a tinge of guilt associated with the fact that I was slowly killing her. Is guilt for such something that only a house slave could afford?

Begin anew... Yeah. Sure.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 10th

Zain got me a wondrous scarf! And Veshuib complimented it! Then Meadow complimented it, along with my makeup! And then Narwen complimented it too! I could just jump for joy! And I did! When there was nobody looking! Exclamation marks!

Now that I'm done manifesting my inner teenage girl, might as well collect my thoughts on more drab matters. I've been taking a look at some apartments... A few options.

Multiple properties in the Tablet... No. These aren't even an option, just a waste of ink.

Multiple rooms in the Krak... Cheap. Already furnished. Too loud. Annoying neighbors. Banda accosting you at every turn. No.

Property #5 in the Plaza. Expensive. Across from the League of White offices, so it just might get torched as soon as I move in. Close to the Krak, and there's always a ladder to the roof, which means that there would be plenty of drunks making a ruckus every night. The only positive: Mari for a neighbor. Too many negatives. No.

Property #7 in the Plaza... Expensive. Quiet part of the Well. Torchbearers for neighbors. Close to the Pyramid. Close enough to the Fourth's garrison. Safe. The only option, really. It'll probably be taken by the time I actually have enough dinari saved up.

I probably need to hire someone to carry all the furniture in when I move in, wherever it is... I am not doing that. This is getting more and more expensive. Guess I'm going to be saving up for another month or two.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 11th

What a horrible day yesterday was... I thought Karim's death was going to be the worst thing to happen, but then there's a sickness spreading throughout the Well and the Tablet.

Supposedly it's affecting anyone that comes in touch with this "radiation" that the shattering of the Star caused. That's some form of miasmic light, I don't know, I'm not an expert. Of anything, really. I spent at least a decade recording the sale of ink, and I barely know how it's made. Mix oak galls and iron sulfate, something happens, get ink. I'm sure that's not even partially right.

If that is correct, then I should have some symptoms, but there's none. I feel perfectly healthy. Healthier than ever, in fact, probably because I've mostly been eating just salads and hummus. There's not a single tumor on my body, either, and I should know, because I bathe for at least an hour every day. Granted, I have to flatter some silk-stocking from the Palm Heights if I want to do so properly, otherwise I have to wash myself in a barrel. I even scrub myself with camel milk once a week. Which is really expensive, come to think of it, but you can't put a price on beauty. Merely on maintaining it.

I wish my usual unstable mix of self-deprecation and egotism could distract me from the fact that I just saw a mother of two spend her last moments grasping onto a dirty blanket, her entire body covered in tumors. There is no cure. She will die in pain. Her daughters will never know their actual mother.

And some of the blame lies with me, doesn't it? Even if I didn't know at first... I still should have had my doubts about supplying wizards with anything. "Bashir, the Astronomers need baublium for a project. Oh, now that a week's passed, you should know that the project is a weapon. Oh, also, the weapon is related to the strange star in the sky. Oh, also, they're going to pull that star down to the ground. Oh, also, they fucked up and it shattered and now there's miasma everywhere and everyone's going to die a slow, agonizing death."

I hate this place.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 12th

During my first few weeks as a Scribe, I was very annoyed by the fact that most people did not seem to know what it is that we do. Now I'm kind of glad of that, because it just makes our work easier. Some of it, anyway. Who cares if it isn't appreciated on any level? Well, I guess I still do, but not as much. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure that some people still think that the processing fees for licenses are something that I made up. Paper, ink and wax aren't free. Besides, my actual lies are much more creative than that.

I wish we got new colleagues, though. Everyone else is already assigned and specialized into something, so having only two Scribes with variable duties makes us pressed for time. Elections are an especially busy time. Especially during an epidemic. What happens if all the candidates get tumors? I wouldn't stay around to find out. Anyhow, hiring new Scribes is a scrutinous business, and suitable candidates are difficult to find, so I imagine it'll be just us two for a long time. Don't want someone pulling the "Scribe for a day" hustle again.

I very much enjoy spending time with Zain. A pity that both of us have so many duties that keep us busy. He's the closest thing I've ever had to an actual friend, as far as I can remember, anyway. I want to get him a gift of some sort, but I can't really think of anything. Gifts should be both suitable and surprising, which is why they're annoying as hell to think of. For a moment, I was thinking of a loom, but that's way too big and expensive to give out as a first gift. I'm pretty sure he has one anyway. Maybe help him with getting rest of his aspectral equipment? He's so close to finishing though, that I might end up being too late.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 13th

Nothing really happened yesterday. Oh, I did see a cute puppy. His name is Ronin. He is very tiny and an absolute delight. Much like me after a few bottles of wine.

I was going to stop there, but it feels like such a waste of good paper. Instead, inspired by an abrupt conversation that I had, I'm going to list some of my favorite flowers, in case I wake up in another hellish plane where I lose even more of my memories.

• Magnolia.
• Frangipani.
• Palash.
• Amaryllis.
• Sacred lotus.
• Dahlia.
• Datura.
• Daylily.
• Crysanthemum.
• Bleeding heart.

For all the flaws that Calimport had, at least you could buy any flowers that you could wish for... Not that I ever got to do so, and was forced to just browse instead. Much of my life seems to be spent looking at things that I shall never possess.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 14th

I was just about to sit down with Zain and have a pleasant dinner, when the Tower's bell rang. I thought he was going to leave me there alone, but thankfully he did return... I was going to sabotage that damn bell if he hadn't. He ran the entire way back. What a sweetheart. I really need to learn to trust people.

Easier said than done, though, after that damn debate. I think that's the fastest that some secret that I'm privy to has become public knowledge. I think Adu hit his head too hard during his injury. I'm more annoyed by his idiocy than I am worried about his fate. Absence breeds indifference.

And the greatest absence of all here is the one committed by Qari. Fucking idiot. Should've said something, or at least sent a missive. But no, nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm sure he's happy counting his dinari. Maybe once the Qa'imi invade, they'll enhance his arms so that he can do so quicker, the coin just won't be his anymore. An absolute leech, nothing more. If he turns up dead with his dinari fed to him, I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest.

All this stress is awful for my heart and lungs. I could see a physician about my hyperventilation, but there aren't that many here in the first place. And I'm sure if I did, it would end up being the headline for one of the many rags that we have now, somehow. "QUEER SCRIBE GASPS FOR AIR, MAD PHYSICIAN PRESCRIBES MIZZAR DIET!"

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 15th

Domhnall shambled into the Krak, covered in bloody puncture wounds... I just ran over to him and did my best to help with my wand of healing. It was so reflexive that the blood didn't even bother me, this time. Thankfully he survived. I wish I had talent for healing arts, so I wasn't dependent on such implements, but I imagine that a physician with an aversion to blood would be terrible at their job. There'll be a need for increased security, but Marcellus will surely insist on walking around town alone, anyway.

While this happened, some folk were looking for "grease monkey" guts. I'm not sure if they were monkeys made out of grease, or what. The Nadiri that hired them carried a giant sack of coin into the Krak. A thousand dinari for everyone involved. I thought the Nadiri were poor. Tempting pay, but I imagine that most of that money goes towards more brews, anyway. I wonder what an adventurer's net income looks like? It can't be very good. I suppose it's more about excitement than money, in the end.

I get enough thrills as a Scribe. Every morning I learn about some state secrets, which are revealed to the public within an hour. I learn about Martin's latest pratfalls, which he miraculously survives every time. I learn that I made some obvious mistakes which probably should get me fired, but don't, for some strange reason. Still, I get more praise than reproach, so maybe I'm doing just fine. Or perhaps I'm just good at keeping up appearances, and people don't realize the extent to which I'm just winging it.

Waking up somewhere where I don't even remember going is another thrill. Evenings spent dancing tend to end like that for me. Thankfully most people don't tend to remember my name, so if I made a fool of myself, such actions can only be attributed to my alluring appearance, and not a simple name. Forcing people to speak of my good looks when they're talking behind my back is a powerful move.

Actually, I get so fucking drunk that I don't even remember the name myself, so it really isn't a move or a choice at all.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 16th

Dear diary,

might as well try that once, since I'm in an especially whimsical mood. Felt extremely wrong, so I'm not going to repeat it. Wish I could sleep, but I have a horrid headache. My fault, really. Might as well write this earlier than usual.

I was going to observe the Lily Leaguers. Get a feel for how many votes they have for Domhnall. See if there's any other obvious cracks amongst their ranks, other than Aubrey and Azimi.

But then they sabotaged themselves. To such an utter extent that there might be no return for them. And I don't really understand what happened, but it broke me.

All sorts of plots in my mind, all sorts of angles... And then they just do it themselves. Doesn't matter what I do, things just fall apart around me.

I got full as a tick on wine. Just felt like laughing at everything. Don't remember the high, but I do remember the low... Still am going through it, as I write this.

Then one of the Astronomers assaulted Mr. Shukov and Khalid... The Nadiri with the split personality... I might understand Shukov, but Khalid? One of the most harmless and decent people in the Well? Is Zain just the only sane one among their rank or am I going to find out that he has some dark secret?

And as I was writing this, Qari announced that Boots is the newest Magistrate. That is one of his first actions. After six days of absence. I... don't even know what I should write about that. If someone paid enough dinari for it, would he jump off the Pyramid's balcony?

I want to get out of here. How much money do I need to get to Baz'eel? A hundred thousand? A million? Whatever amount it takes, I'm ready to pay it. I'm so, so tired of this.

Oh, and now a naked refugee attacked Mevura and then Mevura killed him.

If I were to write this down differently, and attempt to pass it off as creative fiction, publishers would tell me that it's too unbelievable.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 17th

Being one of the awoken is interesting, because I don't really meet many others like me. Or maybe I do, but they don't like talking about it. I mean, I'm purposefully vague about it, so maybe others are too. At least Boops' story about how she got here was funny. I just remember waking up in middle of an ash storm and some caravan finding me. I've heard some theories about the reasons behind the phenomenon, but none of them make any sense. I guess that's fitting.

Instead, I meet a lot of people from the Rings, who assume that I know what they're talking about. It feels like I'm talking to a more mundane sorcerer. Instead of yammering on about how their great grandfather's great grandfather was the great iron dragon, Hraugaldorgthok, they babble on about how they were born in Ring 55, where water flowed backwards, where giant seagulls could predict the future and where your social status was determined by how long your stilts were.

The Tonsure's words keep echoing in my head way too often. If some of Marcellus' sentiments on the matter are true, perhaps I should consider changing my name. The surname, anyway. But it's very difficult to come up with a new one, and even more difficult to change it in a way that isn't suspicious. Marrying isn't an option. Not currently, anyway. Can't insist that people have been pronouncing and writing my surname completely wrong all this time, either. How old is too old to be adopted?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 18th

It certainly feels like that whenever I meet someone that I would gladly call a friend, they get involved in political scheming. Though this time, it is as a mere pawn, and not even of their own volition. Some people will gladly use others as mere tools. Am I like that?

I guess I am, judging by some past entries... I don't want to be like that, though. But even if I am aware of such flaws, and wish to be rid of them... Well, life is not some fairy tale, where people's very being can change due to a single event. But can it change after a plethora of events, most of which seem to point out what a tremendous piece of shit you have been?

I've tried to do better. Helped out people here and there. And it's been followed by the usual thanks, the usual formalities. And while that does feel good, I've realized that at times I'm not even doing it because of any commendation, but instead because I actually want to help. Of course, I usually don't have even the faintest idea how to actually do that. But perhaps sometimes it is enough to just make the right whisper in the right person's ear.

But it never was about being nice, or following some faint sense of decorum, was it? Sometimes, to actually help someone, you do need to be a mean bitch. And I'm adequate enough at that.

If I can't be virtuous, I might just as well direct my incompetence towards my moral deficiencies, and be extremely terrible at maintaining them. 

Looking all of this over, not much of it makes any sense... But the rusty knife in my heart still twists enough that clarity of thought doesn't come easy.

Begin anew.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 19th

Marcellus' landslide victory makes me wonder if people really like him that much, or if they saw him as the only choice, or if he made a few too many promises. Quiet enough, for now, so it is difficult to discern. One can only hope that people can focus their efforts towards thwarting the Qa'immi threat, but one can hope a great deal of things from the Well, and get only wanton chaos in return. During the next assembly, someone will certainly ask "what's so bad about being turned into a living machine", I just know it...

This quill that I got from Alejandro is simply wonderful. What a great gift. I've been thinking of practicing my calligraphy. My signature is quite drab, for one. But when you spend most of your life writing quickly, you really can't afford much thought towards how the text actually looks. Beyond the obvious criterion that it is easy to read. Time to get truly ostentatious during my training, before I land on something that's a little more tactful.

By the way, I'm surprised that it isn't obvious to some that he... writes for a matching audience? Sings for a men's chorus? Likes his roses with stamens only? Wow, I'm terrible at euphemisms.... Anyway... I look and act like this, and some people still can't tell, so maybe it isn't too surprising in the end. I radiate it to such an extent that the Astronomers mistook me for a flamboyant star. Some people really are totally oblivious. Maybe such keeps unwanted attention away, but it is very difficult not to laugh when someone asks me when I'm going to settle down with a nice lady. Please, the only reason that I actively seek out women in particular for is when I want to gossip about someone behind their back.