A black bound notebook. Unceremoniously Labeled. "Journal"
"Chapter One."
"I've never kept a personal journal, it's something I have recommended in the past to patients. I've just never found the need to keep one myself; but, I've never been pushed this far before. It may do me some good to get the ideas down here, Not just keep them in my head. I'll, need to think of what I need to think."
"The world changes so fast, and other times a crawl."
There is a sharp line as if the writing had been cut off.
"Chapter One continues."
"To think, what could not be explained by tutors, by doctors, by my masters and peers. Would be so easily explained by metallurgical knowledge. I understand now, at least I hope I do. I am grateful to you Zain. As grateful as I am to Master Mae, and Apothar Kretuz, maybe one day I can find a way to impart that. To thank them all for what they've done. A foolish hope, one is already gone. It was like watching a star die, I am still struck with a profound loss, that only now can truly paralyze me.
Metal can not be pulled too thin, the ductility of any object shall determine it's maximum coverage by volume. The sword too long will wilt, the armor too narrow will collapse. I can not do everything. I took such great insult to that fact, I worked so hard to prove it wasn't true, but was I so foolish as to truly think I was superior to them all. I am not unaware of my own skills or my own lack, nor those of others. Yet still, I saw myself above them, floating through the clouds. I told Xon today, Nothing truly exists in isolation. I always knew that. Why did I forget?"
"Chapter Two."
"What is crueler, to say that she can not understand or that she will not understand. How can she? Only in the moment can anything truly be known. Experimentation, implementation, all of the study and practice in the world won't teach you what you need to know. I understand why we scorn the sandstone and baz'eel. They are content to sit on tradition, content to sit on their own polished floors and say they have already found the right way.
But it is wrong, there is still so much to learn, so much to see, so much to do. Their ideology doesn't permit this, and the fact that such a procedure so loudly proclaimed as political farce by superiors, has not in any way aided. The fact that I had to make science of a political farce. I regret only, that I wish I could have put her parts back in."
A small note in the margins "I thought we were supposed to be against dogmatic tradition..."
"Chapter Three"
"How dare he, how dare he take my place. I was ready, I spent so much time and energy preparing. I was ready, mind and body. He comes in with that stupid smile on his face. Thinking about everyone but himself. He thought he was so smart, I want to hate him. I want to hate him so much. I can't.
It should have been me
It should have been me
It should have been me
It should have been me that died in Assuru not him."
Splotches dot the page.
"Chapter Four."
"I'm not sure how it happened, but I've learned from Her. Not anything she hoped to teach me of course, those are infantile understandings. That, however, is the crux of my revelation. For so long I have labored attempting to parse Malice from ignorance. Naivety and Agenda. I've realized, there is no deviation between Malice and Ignorance. Malice is simply ignorance empowered. How can one be cruel, to harm others, to hurt their progress.
Like I have done. Borne of Ignorance, the errant wasp found in your study cannot know you are releasing it from a worse fate. But that does not entitle you to resent it it's struggles.
I have learned. Thank you."
"Chapter Five."
My own finger, It didn't even seem like mine down on the floor, just more flesh to tend, the pain was in the back of my mind as the needle pierced the skin. I barely remember it, the blood, the thread. They're just recollections. What hurt came after, Only Lucian even thought to ask me. "They are sure of your ability to recover." Very convenient of them that I require no compassion.
Do I? And when I just, needed someone to listen to me lament about how little I felt, appreciated. I could not, I know he cares, but caring is not enough.
To care is not enough. Thank you, for this lesson too.
"Chapter Six."
"You were always good to me." The last thing he said to me. Not good enough, never good enough to save a life. Just dig in the ruins.
*The rest of the page is splattered with wet marks*
"Chapter Seven."
I hate what you've made me do, I hate what I've chosen to do. This isn't what I wanted, I am in control. How can they chain a light, how can they desire a luminary and a servant, why do I chase this thin edge while others stride over wide stone bridges. Is it truly a greater path? I can only hope.
"Chapter Eight."
"We take our licks in this tower." It is comforting to know. It is reassuring to hear that the investment in me is too high to waste.
I've spent days, weeks even months, wondering why I even stay. When it seems like all they do despite my successes, at great personal cost, That all they see is rebellion.
Well, it turns out when I try to walk away they stop me. I am grateful. It was kind, even if it was harsh, Zenithar Konthaz has an acerbic tone but it was what I needed to hear.
I genuinely can't tell, Apothar Mevura swings so wildly from appearing to be my fiercest enemy, to someone actively helping me. It is near maddening to keep up with. I suppose my declaration of freedom from him earlier caused this in no small part,
I probably shouldn't have called him a wilting flower but it was just so difficult to watch him bend over backwards for some nadiri that reminds him of his master.. When I've actually volunteered to follow him to the depths, when I've been beside him with every autopsy, I'm not perfect, I understand that. But I've done my best to disprove his fears of being some kind of Priory spy. I'm not sure how to deal with him. I hope it improves after this.
"Chapter Nine."
STARVATION
They've never noticed what I do. They don't know the battles I wage. The constant tempting and prodding by sisters who think I'm weak. I let them think that. I make wonders with my hands, I save battlefields of men, I can tear space apart.. POLITICAL BUNGLING, those idiots.. Khalid would never have been able to win. I was the one in control, I AM IN CONTROL.
The master said, that when they were together, in exile, bodies hungry, minds free.
I've never struggled with food.
But I'm Starving.
I'm Starving
I'm starving
IM STARVING
IM STARVING
*the rest of the page is torn*
"Chapter Nine"
"You were to be promoted, after the trip to red hill, your triumph, your victory."
"Do not go Zol Nur, It is a suicide mission."
"This one has named you, as it has been decided long ago, you remain with my full confidence."
"No one came?" I cried, but lucian assured me. "They have full confidence in your abilities."
I sewed my finger back together. and I can't help but wonder if you are proud of me. I know you'd never actually say so, or otherwise.
I haven't let pain stop me, it's never stopped me, People don't even know I can feel it.
Now I go to my end, and I wonder if I can be as brave as you were. Brother, brothers.
"Chapter Ten."
How much does it take, to earn the respect of being spoken to like a person? Every day in contrition until the blows against me are too terrible and I must roar in defiance. These licks are too great, I don't think I can handle it.
Not the council, not my old peers, not the people I trained, no one gives me a moment.
I'm so tired, I'm so hungry, Please Master, where is the wisdom? Help me find it. Before I'm gone.
Some Scribbles in the Margin.
I was pretty sure which of the two I liked better, Margarethe or Apothar Azimi. Since yesterday I am no longer sure.
Some Scribbles in the Margins.
If he was as right as he was wrong, that's still a lot more than most.
"Chapter Eleven."
I miss you, for being a friend when things were darkest, and an enemy when I needed someone to fight. I don't know if anyone will sing that praise. I'm sure a lot of people will say many surface level things. You were wrong often and it wasn't clear how much was on purpose, and you were brave. I'm sure I'll hear that one a lot.
But I think, perhaps, in being a foe to me you pushed me harder. Maybe unfairly hard, but those unholy monsters are hardly fair are they. I didn't think I would, but I miss you Apothar.
"Chapter Twelve."
I long for a touch I never had, I remember so fondly each day which never came to pass.
This unreality which plagues my waking and sleeping mind.
A hunger for things I've never tasted.
My desire for comfort is so strong, in times when my every moment is resistance.
I am still fighting, when they tell me my cause is lost I spit.
I am still fighting, to live is to struggle. We take our licks in the tower.
Some Scribbles in the Margins.
I'm beginning to hate paintings.
"Chapter Thirteen."
It is not easy to follow the path of discomfort. I thought myself able to deny these feelings, the fundamental desires.
I am struggling now. Without Air, Without Water, Without Love. I feel myself curling inward, using my body to protect my heart.
But if I don't let it touch me, then what was all of this for. Uncurl and touch the void.
I wish you were here.
"Chapter Fourteen."
What does it mean to touch?
Is it a purely physical act?
Or does touch mean impact, does impact only mean to damage?
Such funny words.
I only wanted you, to be as changed, as you changed me.
When you called me an artist my heart beat twice.
Because it meant you thought what I did was beautiful.
"Chapter Fifteen."
I am betrayed at every turn, by everyone. Is this what my master felt that turned her so sallow. Will I be able to endure it.
Should I? Zain was the last person I expected to reveal information I had given in confidence in frustration, in. There is no one I can trust. No one but myself. How can I continue with that knowledge.
"Chapter Sixteen."
A Parable.
Once there was a child, who looked upon an ember, glistening with warm light.
To the youth it appeared as a brilliant fruit, tempting, daring, alluring in it's delicious glow.
The wise parent, held out a hand, forbade it's touch, and denied the child it's gruesome feast.
The words of warning, the caution of danger, all known, all heard.
Yet still discontent grows, for the denied resent their deniers.
So the child lashes out, acts against those that would help it.
And so in exercising wisdom, the parent creates an enemy.
What is worse, to allow someone to come to harm, or to save them and become their oppressor?
"Chapter Seventeen."
"I heard Xon say the same thing." As if Xon was a monster, he was our friend. He was right, he might have been hard to understand. He might have been hard to contain; But He was right, about so many things.
I heard the speaker of Izdu today, talking of his polished bricks in the halls of knowledge. And I couldn't hold in my contempt. The halls of knowledge are not pristine, they are not polished mirrors of stone, but scraped and scarred.
"All wisdom descends from Izdu," he said. Izdu did not grant marcellus the wisdom to avoid his mistakes, he didn't grant him the knowledge to not wave a cursed stone about.
Wisdom descends from faith, and rage, and pain.
It is as I have always said. The Gods care nothing for our souls, save that they are dedicated to them. It is upon us, as it always has been to avoid taint.
It is our duty to safeguard the soul, to ensure it is clean and healthy.
It is my duty.
"Chapter Eighteen."
I argued with you, about our history, about the narrative.
But if a Lie can mend a shattered heart.
But if a tale can inspire greater deeds.
But if a story can bring the broken pieces back together.
Is a Lie stronger than the truth?
"Chapter Nineteen."
Three days.
They don't understand what I could do with Three days.
Unharanged, Unimpeded, Unhampered, Unburdened.
I wouldn't even need three days.
Some Scribbles in the Margins.
HAHA! It was exhilarating and terrifying. It isn't over, I'll need every moment and advantage. But Step one, was a success.
"Chapter 20"
I've been thinking. It's a shame so many people descended on Narwen. I really meant what I said but I fear like usual it was, misunderstood at best. A copy of what my.. Superiors, have said. I didn't speak to them about it. It came from my heart, as much as she frustrates me, I sympathize with her. Did I respond the best when we had troubles, no I did not; but, I am certain all the more after today.
That Narwen Alendiel is a blessing.
"Unassociated Page."
I WONT be stopped, I WONT be stymied, Fate is in MY HANDS.
Light Like Blood - can be quenched in the vein.
Blood like light - can be occluded by shadow.
Resist me if you wish.
Struggle if you dare.
I drown in them.
If you are afraid, we will look together.
You will be afraid, I will be your end. What leaks from me is NOTHING.
"Crazed Ramblings."
Praise and subvert the wheel.
The Mother giver of life, be praised for the treasure we crave.
The Magi keeper of the knowledge of life, be praised for to hold this treasure.
The Warrior taker of life, be praised to fight for this treasure.
The Wyld caretaker of life, be praised for her gentle growth of this treasure.
The Sabotage taker of the knowledge of life, be praised to allow me to pry it free.
The Wanderer watcher of life, be praised for the deliverance of this treasure.
The Martyrs mourners of life, be praised for vigilance over this treasure.
The Wroth revanchist of life, be praised for the punishment against profanity of this treasure.
The Wyrm usurper of life, be praised for the ambition which makes the hunger for this treasure.
Be praised, Be subverted.
A circle is not empty, it is whole.
O O
O O
O / O
O O
O
"Chapter Twenty One."
This grand and impossible work.
Did not even take me Three days.
How can they fail to be impressed.
What will secure them, aside from my death.
What task could be so great, I risk my life, I gamble and I win.
Time and time again.
Still it is never enough, every step forward is clouded by doubt. Every misstep shown in the actors lime light.
How can anyone succeed, what am I doing here.