Messages

"Chapter Seventeen."

"I heard Xon say the same thing." As if Xon was a monster, he was our friend. He was right, he might have been hard to understand. He might have been hard to contain; But He was right, about so many things.

I heard the speaker of Izdu today, talking of his polished bricks in the halls of knowledge. And I couldn't hold in my contempt. The halls of knowledge are not pristine, they are not polished mirrors of stone, but scraped and scarred.

"All wisdom descends from Izdu," he said. Izdu did not grant marcellus the wisdom to avoid his mistakes, he didn't grant him the knowledge to not wave a cursed stone about.

Wisdom descends from faith, and rage, and pain.

It is as I have always said. The Gods care nothing for our souls, save that they are dedicated to them. It is upon us, as it always has been to avoid taint.

It is our duty to safeguard the soul, to ensure it is clean and healthy.

It is my duty.

"Chapter Sixteen."

A Parable.

Once there was a child, who looked upon an ember, glistening with warm light.

To the youth it appeared as a brilliant fruit, tempting, daring, alluring in it's delicious glow.

The wise parent, held out a hand, forbade it's touch, and denied the child it's gruesome feast.

The words of warning, the caution of danger, all known, all heard.

Yet still discontent grows, for the denied resent their deniers.

So the child lashes out, acts against those that would help it.

And so in exercising wisdom, the parent creates an enemy.

What is worse, to allow someone to come to harm, or to save them and become their oppressor?

"Chapter Fifteen."

I am betrayed at every turn, by everyone. Is this what my master felt that turned her so sallow. Will I be able to endure it. Should I? Zain was the last person I expected to reveal information I had given in confidence in frustration, in. There is no one I can trust. No one but myself. How can I continue with that knowledge.

"Chapter Fourteen."

What does it mean to touch?

Is it a purely physical act?

Or does touch mean impact, does impact only mean to damage?

Such funny words.

I only wanted you, to be as changed, as you changed me.

When you called me an artist my heart beat twice.

Because it meant you thought what I did was beautiful.

"Chapter Thirteen."

It is not easy to follow the path of discomfort. I thought myself able to deny these feelings, the fundamental desires.

I am struggling now. Without Air, Without Water, Without Love. I feel myself curling inward, using my body to protect my heart.

But if I don't let it touch me, then what was all of this for. Uncurl and touch the void.

I wish you were here.

Some Scribbles in the Margins.

I'm beginning to hate paintings.

"Chapter Twelve."

I long for a touch I never had, I remember so fondly each day which never came to pass.

This unreality which plagues my waking and sleeping mind.

A hunger for things I've never tasted.

My desire for comfort is so strong, in times when my every moment is resistance.

I am still fighting, when they tell me my cause is lost I spit.

I am still fighting, to live is to struggle. We take our licks in the tower.

"Chapter Eleven."

I miss you, for being a friend when things were darkest, and an enemy when I needed someone to fight. I don't know if anyone will sing that praise. I'm sure a lot of people will say many surface level things. You were wrong often and it wasn't clear how much was on purpose, and you were brave. I'm sure I'll hear that one a lot.

But I think, perhaps, in being a foe to me you pushed me harder. Maybe unfairly hard, but those unholy monsters are hardly fair are they. I didn't think I would, but I miss you Apothar.

Some Scribbles in the Margins.

If he was as right as he was wrong, that's still a lot more than most.

Some Scribbles in the Margin.

I was pretty sure which of the two I liked better, Margarethe or Apothar Azimi. Since yesterday I am no longer sure.

"Chapter Ten."

How much does it take, to earn the respect of being spoken to like a person? Every day in contrition until the blows against me are too terrible and I must roar in defiance. These licks are too great, I don't think I can handle it.

Not the council, not my old peers, not the people I trained, no one gives me a moment.

I'm so tired, I'm so hungry, Please Master, where is the wisdom? Help me find it. Before I'm gone.

"Chapter Nine"

"You were to be promoted, after the trip to red hill, your triumph, your victory."

"Do not go Zol Nur, It is a suicide mission."

"This one has named you, as it has been decided long ago, you remain with my full confidence."

"No one came?" I cried, but lucian assured me. "They have full confidence in your abilities."

I sewed my finger back together. and I can't help but wonder if you are proud of me. I know you'd never actually say so, or otherwise.

I haven't let pain stop me, it's never stopped me, People don't even know I can feel it.

Now I go to my end, and I wonder if I can be as brave as you were. Brother, brothers.

"Chapter Nine."

STARVATION

They've never noticed what I do. They don't know the battles I wage. The constant tempting and prodding by sisters who think I'm weak. I let them think that. I make wonders with my hands, I save battlefields of men, I can tear space apart.. POLITICAL BUNGLING, those idiots.. Khalid would never have been able to win. I was the one in control, I AM IN CONTROL.

The master said, that when they were together, in exile, bodies hungry, minds free.

I've never struggled with food.

But I'm Starving.
I'm Starving
I'm starving
IM STARVING
IM STARVING
 
*the rest of the page is torn*

"Chapter Eight."

"We take our licks in this tower." It is comforting to know. It is reassuring to hear that the investment in me is too high to waste.

I've spent days, weeks even months, wondering why I even stay. When it seems like all they do despite my successes, at great personal cost, That all they see is rebellion.

Well, it turns out when I try to walk away they stop me. I am grateful. It was kind, even if it was harsh, Zenithar Konthaz has an acerbic tone but it was what I needed to hear.

I genuinely can't tell, Apothar Mevura swings so wildly from appearing to be my fiercest enemy, to someone actively helping me. It is near maddening to keep up with. I suppose my declaration of freedom from him earlier caused this in no small part, I probably shouldn't have called him a wilting flower but it was just so difficult to watch him bend over backwards for some nadiri that reminds him of his master.. When I've actually volunteered to follow him to the depths, when I've been beside him with every autopsy, I'm not perfect, I understand that. But I've done my best to disprove his fears of being some kind of Priory spy. I'm not sure how to deal with him. I hope it improves after this.

"Chapter Seven."

I hate what you've made me do, I hate what I've chosen to do. This isn't what I wanted, I am in control. How can they chain a light, how can they desire a luminary and a servant, why do I chase this thin edge while others stride over wide stone bridges. Is it truly a greater path? I can only hope.