The Unpantalooned Knights!

[HaveLuteWillTravel]

The Unpantalooned Knights

     

Written by [tface=salt]Abigail[/tface]

   Characters:
  Knight Drafty Cheeks
  Supreme Swami Numb Bottom
  Warrior One
  Warrior Two
  Young Handsome Warrior
  The Tailor
  Chorus
 
 
 

Act I

     The play begins within the ancient and dark walls of Bluebum Keep. Our heroine, Knight Drafty Cheeks, has been called in to speak with the leader of her knightly order, Supreme Swami Numb Bottom, who waits alone, wearing no pants.
 
  Chorus: Times are dark indeed, our future is in doubt. A great, ancient evil has arisen, a Tailor of Trousers Most Vile. And so within Bluebum Keep, the Unpantalooned Knights contrive a plot.
 
  The Chorus exits and Drafty Cheeks enters to speak with the Swami, she also wears no pants.
 
  Cheeks: You called for me, Supreme Swami Numb Bottom? Sorry I’m late, I was busy burning the trousers of several criminals we found encroaching on our lands. When will these godless heathens learn the dangers of their attire?
 
  Swami: You are forgiven, Sister Drafty Cheeks. I have a task of most grand importance for you. [The Swami twitches suddenly, his voice taking on an almost mechanical drone]
  The trees, they speak. Horror, horror! One of, mostly, unadorned bottom travels under the boughs to face the false Tailor. She shall be our deliverance!
 
  Cheeks: [Cheeks prostrates herself before the Swami as he delivers this prophecy. When he finishes she kisses his toes.] Oh Supremist of Swamis, please tell me this is my fate! Am I the unadorned backside?....Well, mostly.
 
  Swami: [He lowers a hand to Cheeks’ head.] Rise, Sister Cheeks. Yes, this is your fate. But I warn you, you must find others to walk with you. Bid them shed their trousers and join you in this most holy of tasks!
 
  Cheeks: [Her voice full of fervor.] I shall, my Swami. I shall depart swiftly and not rest until this task is done!
 
  Knight Cheeks turns to leave, the Swami slapping her hard on her backside in the traditional manner of the Unpantalooned Knights. End Act I.
 
 
 
 

Act II

     Act II opens in a nearby village, Knight Cheeks is found speaking with three warriors, two wear pants, but a young handsome warrior is without.
 
  Chorus: The brave Knight Cheeks has journeyed through all many or evils to a village, a harrowing adventure that has taken the better part of an hour. She meets with noble warriors sympathetic to her cause. The Tailor must be dispatched!
 
  The Chorus exits.
 
  Cheeks: I enlist only the bravest warriors on a quest most dangerous. You three come forth, but two of you bear a horrid taint.
 
  Warrior One: Oh my, noble knight, please say one isn’t me.
 
  Cheeks: I’m afraid so, for you and your friend both have bottoms clad. Such adornment is a mockery to the gods of the Unpantalooned, serving as an unholy shield for that blocks their message from being delivered!
 
  Warrior Two: But it’s chilly, madame Knight! Surely you must realize that if our bums are numb we’ll be distracted when peril is found.
 
  Cheeks: I’ll brook no argument from you, heathen! Now you and your friend shall be off! Begone!
 
  The two warriors begin to depart, Warrior One stopping to make an obscene gesture at Cheeks. After they have departed Cheeks turns to the Handsome Young.
 
  Cheeks: By my divine sight I see you carry no vileness, sir.
 
  Handsome Young Warrior: Oh no, ma’am. I hardly knew those heathens at all.
 
  Cheeks: Then you are ready to embrace this quest and devote yourself to the gods of the Unpantalooned?
 
  Handsome Young Warrior: [A confused look on his face.] Umm…no, actually. I was wondering how much for your services?
 
  Cheeks: My services?
 
  Handsome Young Warrior: Yes, I’m all ready to go! [The young warrior wiggles his hips.]
 
  Cheeks: Ugh… I shall go alone.
 
  Knight Cheeks swiftly departs. End of Act II.
 
 
 
 

Act III

     Act III opens in a dark forest.
 
  Chorus: And so our virtuous Knight has sallied forth, fighting many a brigand of the vile Tailor. Although each sought to despoil her bottom with all manner of evil fabrics, her skill and faith has won her through. Now there is only the Tailor himself to face.
 
  Cheeks walks warily onstage, her eyes searching this way and that, a tiny wooden sword in hand.
 
  Cheeks: I have come for you, Tailor. Do not hide. The justice of the Unpantalooned shall be done this day!
 
  A man enters carrying a large sewing needle. He is dressed quite like an ordinary tailor.
 
  The Tailor: Yes it is true, my precious Knight. However it seems you have forgotten your Swami’s words. Did he not say that you mustn’t fight alone? And so with your foolishness you have sealed your fate, and the fate of all the lands! The virtue of the Unpantalooned has been your undoing! [The Tailor cackles evilly.]
 
  Cheeks: [She lets out a small cry of despair, but swiftly collects herself.] It matters not, for my faith and my sword shall see me through this day. Your works shall be undone, their threads unwound at my feet. Have at you!
 
  Knight Cheeks leaps at the Tailor, and they fight a pitched battle. For a time it seems as if Cheeks is doing well, but when she makes a misstep the Tailor spins her around and shoves her. As she stumbles he stabs her in one of her cheeks and she falls to her knees, dying.
 
  Cheeks: Oh cruel fate! Forgive me, Swami, for I have failed you!
 
  The Tailor: Ah yes, death always awaited you, my dear. I should thank you for the favor you’ve done me, but I’ve work I must do. There are pants to make!
 
  With a final gasp Knight Cheeks pitches forward to lie facedown and expires with her rump in the air.
 
  The Tailor departs and the Chorus enters, walking to stand over the fallen Knight, looking down at her corpse sadly.
 
  Chorus: Oh great sorrow and woe! Knight Drafty Cheeks has fallen. [The Chorus then looks out into the audience.] Gaze upon her unclothed backside, my friends, for from this day forward we face a horrid fate. There are none to stop the works of The Tailor, and so all shall wear pants, trousers, knickers, bloomers and all manner of vile adornment. The Unpantalooned have fallen, here lies their final hope! So look upon dear sweet Cheeks one last time and weep.
 
 

The End.