Thoughts of a Broken Man

[Travburg]

[A few dots before the writing began.]

Tabbah 17th, 7789

She's leaving.

She is leaving.

She's left.

She's gone and left me with the restaurant. Why did I take it? I'm no chef. [The ink pools heavily.] Maybe I can learn. Use it to escape again like I did studying herbalism when-[An inky line draws across the page.]

She said she'll come back. I hope she does, but does anyone ever really come back anymore?

It's been three months. Three grueling months since I woke up with sand in my eyes and knew what it meant to struggle. . . . and what it meant to me when they all helped me dust myself off and start over.

But they're gone now.

They keep going.

Till it's just me.

And then I'll go too.


I've had some nice talks with some new faces.

Daelira, she's- interesting. Reminds me of Nela if she were less cheery.

Elias, though we mostly spoke of his son, his life.

Navarre is pretty easy to talk to, I think we clicked. To live that long and be left by the gods multiple times, I get why she feels the way she feels. Maybe they didn't leave her though, maybe they just died. Like my friends. She asked me about myself, not many people really do that. I liked it, but then for some reason I forget, it all came flooding back-[Another inky line draws across the page.]

Steel clashing with bronze. Screaming, yelling, chanting. Explosions of artillery fire in the distance. I hear the words, "Friendly circle!" in my head over and over and over and every time a whirling mass of flame whizzes past my shoulder and hits her. Then I look and she lays there, charred blue nadiri robe, skin melting, dead. Orphea I'm so sorry. [A few tears dot the page.]

Earlier that morn we had spoke, and I asked you, "What will you risk your life for?" as the camp coffee had been stolen and neither of us thought it worth the risk to retrieve. You said, "The lives of others." and I'll never forget it. It should've been me, not you.

It should've been me.


Tabbah 18th, 7789

Am I losing my mind?

The day started fine with negotiations for the quarry buyout. Nice that things are finally changing for the better.

But after that-[The ink pools.]

Good, it's still there.

Finn stole my favorite bottle today, that jerk, but it's okay. I have it back now, and no one is going to take it again.

Some merchant in the Souk knew I had it- how did he know? HOW did he know? He wanted it, but I wasn't gonna let him have it. I played it off like I didn't know what he was talking about of course. No one suspected a thing. Then he was gone and the copyist said no one was there- That can't be true.

It's mine.

All mine.

[Travburg]

Tabbah 19, 7789

What is happening to me?

The day started like any other day, simple bit of work defending the accorded camp in the south along with Orin, Kaelen, Faith, Bennett, and Bran I think. Almost felt too easy but I guess that was on the count of those orcs being broken and scattered- and the oozes they summoned kept trying to eat them too.

After that-[Inky pool.] Maqqari helped me make up a nice batch of dragon blood elixirs, even did some experiments after for the first time in a month or so. Felt good.

Got Haknar his new contract, he seemed . . . amicable, but a bit uncertain about making money. Tried to talk me into taking board jobs with him, but I don't know. I'm gonna have to learn how to cook, do it all myself.

Hans stopped me in the Souk, asked me to come answer a few questions.

I should've known.

Should've known that he'd ask about my bottle. Such an idiot, so stupid-[A bunch of erratic scribbling marred the page.]

He brought me to the cells, first time I'd seen them. First time I've ever been searched, and all I could think about was my bottle. I couldn't let him find it. Why?

Asked me to hand over my bags, thought I'd slip it out and hide it behind my back. Then I tried begging. He wasn't having it.

I looked down at it, my bottle, and back at him and I'd swear he was a djinn, staring back at me. Grotesque, on fire, laughing, cackling at me. Telling me how the bottle was djinni and I'd better hand it over. I didn't want to die. It's his now. His bottle, not mine.

Why do I still want it?


I told her.

Told Daelira I still wanted it, or maybe I wanted Bennett's bottle.

So reckless, bellowing at Hans that he had it.

She slapped herself red in the face trying to prove a point. What was she saying?

I had to stop her. She said she'd get it back for me. I said no. I don't want anyone else to hurt.

She went to get it anyway, but must've changed her mind.

I hope she doesn't find it.


Met with Nessia, she saw I was having a bad day. Offered to take my mind off things.

I was glad to see her.

She showed me some hidden spots in the gutters, some monolith with room for a key of some kind. Spherical . . . indented with asynchronous engraving.

Then we went further down and there were SO many cobbled, it was terrible. She would've died for sure if I didn't have some tranquil paint to dump on her.

I should make more.

She showed me that hole that led into the Tampt crypt Dudley kept saying needed fixed, though Tariq stopped worrying about it. He'd rather have the pyramid pay guards just to guard the damn hole. At least I saw the crypt anyway, it was interesting. So much Urazzari stone there, it's unsettling. I hate the Wroth. There, I said it. I hate him.

Never to be made whole.


Hans is going to die from all these damn bottles.


I spoke with Navarre again, asked her for help.

Help knowing what was real from what's not anymore. All these whispers-

She said I'm probably cursed. Cursed to be alone. Cursed from this damn bottle nonsense, and that's aggravating my-

Trauma.

Am I traumatized?


I'm having that fucking dream again.

Ages. Pass.

Ages.

Burn.

Bellicose.

Rend. Tear. Bite. Slash. Break.

Now is the time of smelting and bronze.

With these hands I throttle.

With this axe I cleft.

Fifty. Burned.

Adannu.

Howl for fury, and the ages return.

What does any of that even mean?

[Travburg]

Illul 5th, 7789

Been almost a month since I've wrote in this, why am I even bothering?

It's all a blur since Ritz left, and now Lujayn's stepped down, Faith taking her spot, me Prelate-

What the hell, how did I get here? It's only been four months! I barely even know what I'm doing, let alone how to help Faith run the Well.

Whatever, I'm here now, and I'm gonna help her sink or swim. She's just about all I've got left, truly.


Saw Got Valdhazr for the first time.

It was heart breaking.

So much history and great stone architecture.

All those lives lost-

Was there any other way?


Lujayn's gone now too.

At least we shared some tea one last time at the restaurant.

I teared up, but it wasn't until she was out the door that I really cried.

She called me the truest friend she made in the Well, I gave her hope that she could help.

Why didn't she ask me for help?


Furious scribbling marred the entry.

Nela - Dead

Cort - Dead

Selwyn - Dead

Katya - Dead

Ritz - Left

Lujayn - Left

[Travburg]

Illul 22nd, IY 7789

Where does the time go?

The fight, the assembly, another tormented attack, elections, trials, red lights, two hundred fifty-one.

Dead.

two hundred and fifty-one dead souls because of the last delve.

Or would they have died anyway?

Guess it doesn't matter. People want blood, someone's gonna have to take the fall for this.

It could've been us that riled them up if we ever got that far.

At least it wasn't us.

We need to take the fight to them.

How many more lives would it cost?


[Wavy trails of ink preempt the entry.]

"I don't know if they can ever be the same as you."

"This -IS- you and me, or at least it is to me."

"As long as I have you, I think I can resist doing something stupid."

[A deep pool of ink.]

You have me. I'm not going anywhere.

[A few stray lines.]

They're not all gone, I just wasn't looking hard enough.

I don't want to lose you too.

[Travburg]

Qdim 2nd, IY 7789

Faith.

I can't believe you're gone too.

I should've been there.

Should've.


VALERIA YOU SWINE

I HOPE THEY RIP YOU LIMB FROM LIMB

BONES CRACKING, FLESH RENDED FROM YOUR WICKED SOUL

CURSE YOU EIGHT TIMES OVER

YOU MUST SUFFER

YOU WHO WOULD RAKE DEAD LEAVES AND SAND

BE REMINDED OF YOUR FRAILTY, YOUR VANITY

YOU ARE ALREADY DEAD

[Travburg]

I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO DOWN

[Travburg]

Qdim 6th, IY 7789

It finally feels like I'm doing something.

Something that matters.

The meetings, the letters, the assembly.

Even if in reality I'm not doing much, I'm listening to them.

And as long as they want me to listen, I will.


The assembly was terrifying. I thought they would all decry me, ask that I resign.

Maybe I would've.

But the support from everyone it-

I couldn't have imagined anything like it.

Maybe they all really want me- us, to succeed.

Or maybe they're just saying it.

I have to keep trying anyway.

Even if it kills me.


You will watch as all that you love turns to ash in your hands.

Your joy crumbling between your fingers.

Withering away.

And all that you have,

Is yourself.

Far too deep.

Far too deep-

So many will die because of you?

What a shit priest.

[Travburg]

Qdim 10th, IY 7789

Just when I thought things were off to a good start-

That trial was never going to end well.

At least Faith gets to stay in good memory with me shouldering the blame, well- I guess Vellyn is shouldering most of it.

Sometimes I think it'd be easier if it were all up to one person, but today? I'm glad I had her.

I didn't want anyone else to die. At least- I don't think I did. Maybe if it was all up to me I- I don't know.

Why cut off our nose to spite our face?

Something's coming, and we'll need them.

Even you, Hanson.

Even you.