A Letter for Pavlina at the Belmore Estate

[White_Ice]

Cracks of clear silver;
The mirrors are now shattered;
The mirage now free.

Bloody is the wake
Left behind the illusion.
The world bled by shards.

I have broken free
Of the false world I have built,
But am trapped by guilt.

Dear Pavlina,

I have already been told I did the right thing. Congratulated outloud and quietly. Over and over again by many different people. But when I heard about Alcide and Emmett, I knew I made a mistake.

Some people think spies are dangerous because of the lies they tell. The opposite is true: there is nothing more powerful a spy can do than to reveal the truth.

An opportunity presented itself and I could not resist. I was desperate and blinded. I forgot that power must be wielded wisely. I used a broadsword  when I should have used a scalpel. I forgot to take into account the collateral damage that would ensue. All of my work sundered because of a moment of impatience and fear; my friends killed and hurt for the same reasons.

I said once before maybe it did not matter if the world was real. That maybe our perception of the world is more important than reality itself. I was right. This pain hurts no matter the truth of the world or the lies of our imagination.

And I cannot even imagine the pain I have put you through.

-B

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Affinity]

A sleep deprived wizard leans against the railing of the Belmore estate for some time, reading the letter and pondering the contents within. After a moment of consideration, she pens a brief note that is returned via messenger...

Poet,

Find me. What comes is best done in person.

-P

[White_Ice]

Against the backdrop of a clear blue sky
stands a mountain of certain death and doom.
It reaches up beyond sight of the eye,
miles and miles high up does it loom.

Goblins, orcs, and other monstrosities
infests the caves of darkness and fire.
No matter how oft we fall to our knees,
we climb and fight through the endless mire

Challenged by a thoughtful and loving friend
to seek the sights and beauty of this world,
that we may remember should it all end
and everything becomes sadly unfurled.

So, we endure and continue to seek
our goal above: the view from the peak.

Dear Pavlina,

I would have liked to have said these words to you in person but Anders' whispers about me filled Sorcha (and, I must admit, me as well) with dread. We have retreated yet again to someplace safer. Distance does not always equal safety but it felt prudent to make use of it for the time being. Still, should you need us, simply write or whisper and we will come.

When you said you wanted to kill Anders, I thought about saying more to dissuade you. But I knew how much of a hypocrite that would make me. I, after all, reacted in a rather drastic and unexpected manner when Orza slaughtered the Oldflowers. Perhaps, in a way, I sought a vengeance of my own that was convoluted, roundabout, and long in the making.

So I did not directly object. I understood what you wanted. I could imagine the maelstrom within you. I have no right to tell you, whether real or imaginary, what you feel is there.

But I have not been able to stop thinking about trying to dissuade you.

There are more important things in life than vengeance. There can be greater purpose in existence. I do not know what they exactly are for you. But I have found it for myself and I can think of no logical reason why such cannot exist for you as well.

The nature of this reality is a mystery but there are still many other things you could dedicate yourself to: running the rings; seeking out knowledge held in places such as the library of Baz'eel; finding a way to hold fast against the Nothing. The possibilities are numerous. Dying for vengeance is not the only option. Nor is it the right one.

I know my words are not likely to change your mind. I could think of nothing that would have changed my mind back then when I joined Orza. But I would not be able forgive myself had I kept these thoughts to myself.

This letter should reach you the morning of the exhibition. I hope wherever you end up going, you are able to find the answers you seek. If not, I hope you at least find the answers you need.

-B

Out of sight, yet I
still feel the assurance of
you being nearby.

[White_Ice]

The View  from the Peak

The highest summit in the world
is a leviathan's sad grave.
The giant bones leads me to ask:
is any of this even real?

From the peak, I look down Kingsward
and see a desert bleached of life;
desolate, save for a gem in
the sands that reflect the moonlight.

I turn my eyes to the night sky
to see the moon among the stars.
These things may be unreachable
but I shall reach for the moonlight.

Dear Pavlina,

This world is– I cannot even– Guilt still–

-B

[Affinity]

A wizard sits within the Steadings tower and peers down at the latest letter with a vacant sort of gaze for a very long time, occasionally blinking hard in an attempt to focus upon the words.  A brief rambling sort of reply is eventually sent via messenger heading inring ..

B,

Hollow, but not BROKEN

These words difficult to read and now write but comforting. I am grateful.

Take deep breaths, let the descent carry you downwards with what respite you can muster.

Say the important words to each other, as none know what tomorrow brings.

Salt around your tent, your cot. Ward the mind. Ward the spirit. Beware the B L EA M E. Beware LIES and NIGHTMARE.

Soon the mountain will block your view back. Let it, when doubt and regret takes hold.

-P

[White_Ice]

The mountain's shadow hides the world behind
Where a mind and soul exists to be kind
A soul that–

Dear Pavlina,

Being a spy is a lonely affair: a good spy should never be trusted; a great spy never trusts others; and the best spies tell so many lies they can't even trust themselves.

When you first told me why you feared your magic–your wizardry, I was surprised but your explanation made sense. I understood it. I understood that fear of reality being unraveled, falling apart, shattering round me. I understood the fear of not being able to trust the world around myself and thus not being able to trust myself.

In that place between everything important, that place between myself, my senses, and the world, you felt like a sister who I could trust, someone who could understand me when perhaps I did not understand myself. The affinity studies, the poetry; the time watching you craft wands: they were the calmest moments during the part of my life where I was drowning myself in lies. Seeing you in control and composed despite the challenges you faced helped me realize I could do the same.

By the time you read this, we will be beyond Baz'eel. I am able to move ahead because of you, but there are signs this may be a point of no return. Whatever happens, know this:

13

With Love,
Brie

P.S. I have struggled to decide if telling you what I am about to write next is a good idea, but, at the very least, I hope you take it as a sign of just how important you are to Sorcha and I. If we reach the King and he does grant us a wish, we will ask for your mind to be restored and healed, to be free of any and all ailments and madness.