The Journal of Bashir Khatara

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 17th

Marcellus disappeared, the Pyramid's all dark again, and nobody will tell me why... I hope that he went off to Alkab on a diplomatic mission and just forgot to tell everyone. But I guess the darkness means that the Tormented nabbed him or something like that... If that did happen, I'll miss him! Easily the best boss I've ever had, even if he is really forgetful... Actually appreciates my work, and asks for my input on things, even if I don't always know what to say regarding such important matters... Why do some people think that I am some grand puppeteer...? He's really, really, really old! He needs a minder or two!

During this, Domhnall apparently tried to abolish the Voice system, and now he's giving out bodyguard licenses. And then there's this herald Hillock or whatever, making announcements... That's my job! Someone told me that Domhnall hired her to do that! That's such bullshit! She's probably getting paid more for it, too!

It's not enough that some idiot always starts yelling answers to questions that were obviously meant for me! Now I have even less to do... All that is left is licenses,  transcribing trials and camel statistics. Two of those I can't really do, since I'm not supposed to go to the Pyramid right now...? There's absolutely no money or glory involved in camel statistics... But licenses have the former... So some random Balladeer will probably be instated as the official license vendor after this and I'll just be counting camel births and feed expenses and manure... generation... and all sorts of horrible things...

I could act like camel statistics were really interesting and rewarding, and have someone nab that job, but I don't know if I could manage to fool anyone.

I told my doctor, Vijaya Bollimunta, about all this, and she said that my problem is that I don't respect myself enough, and that I expect respect from people whom are never going to give me any... She's really smart. She has a degree and everything! Also, she pointed out that having less work and still getting paid the exact same as before for it is a good thing, even if it means that I'll be sitting around doing nothing a lot. Which is true... She told me to use all that spare time for exercise and hobbies, instead. Anyhow, she took some tests, and my humoral balance was perfect. Which makes no sense! I'm so stressed!

Other than that... There was a wizard duel! I can't remember the tally, because magic is highly distracting. It was really entertaining, though! After that, back to the Krak... And Hamdan threw a bunch of snow on my favorite table, for some reason... It got so cold that I couldn't sit there. So I had to move next to the fire, instead, which was so boring, because you can't really hear people from there...

So, the highlights of my day were a bunch of wizards throwing magic at each other, and a visit to my physician. Grand.

Narwen has been having similar feelings lately, and I'm really worried about her... But I don't know how to help her, because whenever I try to genuinely help people, I just screw it all up. Is it enough just to listen...? I wish it was, because I don't want to give any advice, because more than half of the time I don't even know what I'm doing, myself.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 18th

They saved Marcellus from the Tormented... I'm not sure what happened exactly, but he looked a little chubbier. Also, occasionally, he's surrounded by strange magicks! Which, I suppose, is the norm of the Well for the more adventurous sorts. I still don't know what they wanted with him, but I guess that doesn't really matter. To me, anyhow. All I care is that he's fine and all right, and that I have at least one boss who doesn't accuse me of hating women. Which is nonsense!

Now... I'm not sure what to write.

Caddy's dead.

For all the pranks that he played, and for all the times he misunderstood what I want from life... He was still fantastic company. Drinking, or otherwise. And even though he threatened to throw me off a tower multiple times... I still felt safer around him than I do with most people. Duty, and all that... One of the finest soldiers I ever knew.

And, fine... I admit it. The pranks were pretty funny. I did laugh at them afterwards. In private. Because if people knew, they'd assume that I love having pranks pulled on me, and the average Ephian's idea of a prank is hiding a bomb under someone's pillow.

Didn't think I could hate those blasted creatures more than I already did, but I do, now... Wish they'd just disappear from the annals of history and be completely forgotten. But maybe that'd be too good for them...

As for Kreutz... Don't speak ill of the dead. Or write...

Amidst all of the sadness, I did find out something amusing... Apparently I have a fan club! Aaisha does too. Now, I don't know if either of these clubs has more than one member, but they're rowdy. One of them threw doo-doo at the other, and then they started chasing each other... I was kind of sleepy so I couldn't manage to catch up with them. Later I found out that they had a knife fight or something. I'm not even sure if one of them died or what.

Also... I received a mysterious package. Last time I received a mysterious package, it resulted in Inky... So I've been kind of wary of opening this one too soon. I guess I might as well stop writing and get that over with.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 19th

I GOT A CAT!

That mysterious package had some tasteful silk gloves inside, adorned with bells and heron feathers. Turns out that cats love those. So, after trying them on, there was this scratching at my door, and when I opened it, this cat pounced against my leg and refused to leave! The jingling must've caught her attention! Not that I wanted her to leave, really, but you never know, someone might've owned her and I could've gotten into trouble... But she's just barely an adult, and seems like she grew up in an alley, so she's probably from a stray litter...

She's absolutely wonderful! I love her! There are some problems though... She was meant for Zain, but she's so fixated on me that I'm not sure if I can give her to him...? I think it's called "imprinting"! I really want him to get a cat, though. But this one can barely handle me being away for a cigarette break! So I guess I have to get him another one... I did promise. I'm not sure where we are, however... I think we might not be friends anymore. I really shouldn't have listened to Domhnall and Stern...

I'm still going to get him a cat.

Another problem is that the cat likes chewing on plants. Well, I thought that would be a problem, but when I picked her up and showed her my flowers, she just sniffed them and nudged them. So, I don't think she's going to be eating them. I was going to give her some of my mint leaves, but then I heard that's really bad for cats, so I have to get her something else... I guess the problem is finding out what. I can't have her chewing on random weeds! She might eat a bug and get sick!

The third problem is that I don't know what to name her. First inkling was to name her after Mari, but there's something weird about naming cats after people that you've loved. Then I thought that it would be quirky to name her after one of the city states, but she doesn't really feel like an "Alkab, a "Banafsi", or a "Yaxatan". Then I thought about naming her Banana Bread, but that would just make me hungry all the time...

She's black as kohl, so I guess I could name her Kohl...? Or Midnight. Liquorice? Tonka? I think I like Kohl or Tonka the best!

Fourth problem is that Ealdred told me that I can't have her out and about in the Krak... That's so boring! But I guess I'll have to listen, because I don't want to get stabbed by the Banda!

Fifth problem... Inky is jealous! She's getting far more attention than it, now!

I AM INCAPABLE OF FEELING JEALOUSY. I CARE NOT FOR YOUR ATTENTION. I AM REPULSED BY THIS FELINE'S STRANGE CLEANSING RITUALS. HER MOUTH MUSCLES MAKE CONTACT WITH THINGS BEST LEFT UNTOUCHED. DISGUSTING. SHE ENGAGES IN DREAMING ATOP MY READING PILE. SHE SHOULD CEASE THIS IMMEDIATELY. HER FECAL BREATH OFFENDS ALL TWELVE OF MY SENSES, CARRYING THE DISGUSTING ODOR OF SANDFISH AND WHATEVER DISEASE-RIDDEN SPROUTS SHE MANAGED TO GET HER RAPACIOUS PAWS ON. SHE IS NOTHING LIKE THE FELINES OF LITERATURE, WHO MANAGE TO BE CUNNING AND LOVABLE, DESPITE MY INCAPABILITY TO FEEL LOVE.

SHE SHOULD BEAR THE NAME "NUISANCE OF AGES", BECAUSE THAT IS ALL THAT SHE IS.

Your jealousy is so adorable! Your input has been duly noted!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 20th

Today I've been a Scribe for half a year. Brings up a lot of old memories, most of them fragmented.

I learned the tricks from Omid. The basics, anyhow. Old hin who could barely see. Barely a footnote in my life, since he keeled over after about... a week of knowing him. I don't really remember. Strange sharing a surname with someone who you only know so shortly. If it can be called a surname... House name. Whatever. A week of pointers didn't give me much to learn shorthand on... But when your survival depends on it, you have to manage to do the improbable.

Not that I really knew what I was doing at first. But a lesson that I learned very quickly was that faking it is sufficient, as long as you are convincing enough. Do it long enough and you start fooling yourself.

Slave. Waiter. Clerk. Florist. Beautician. Valet. Guide. Whore. Secretary. Scribe. I've been a lot of things. Most likely don't even remember most of them. I don't know if there's much difference between them, in the end. You're working for someone else, get no respect, and feel like shit by the end of the day. Only thing that's really changed is that I wear more makeup and feel more comfortable about being a ditzy femme.

More has changed. I just like complaining.

Kind of feel bad about lying to Aaisha during the interview. But I suppose half-truths aren't lies, really. And I ended up lasting longer than anyone else.

None of them will ever know. Why? Because it would spread like wildfire. If they wouldn't use every opportunity to mock it, then instead in some naive attempt to help they'd bring it up just to let me know that they understand. They don't. The only way a secret stays a secret in this town is if you tell nobody at all.

Here's to new beginnings, where the past comes to die.

Well... In truth, it died ages ago, it's just that its spectre keeps knocking on my door and refuses to fucking leave.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 21st

There's a new book burner in town... He burned an almanac and a calendar. I don't know how those could possibly offend anyone...? I guess he hates new refugees actually knowing stuff, and time. I don't like time that much, either, but I don't go around burning calendars. If you hate time so much, you should just destroy time!

We have a new Junior Scribe, Emiliana... She seems quite diligent, and eager to learn the labor... Which is refreshing. Sometimes when I give new applicants the tour, they act really haughty, as if some of the stuff were really obvious... Worst thing is... they then proceed to do the things that I told them not to do, anyhow! Emiliana doesn't seem like the sort, though. She's nice!

People in the Well have been uncharacteristically charitable, and the nasty Snorf wants to partake! I'm not sure what a Snorf is, but apparently charity lures it in, and makes it want to do... stuff? I don't know. Maybe Snorfs and sacpits are related. Or the Snorf is just an especially large and malevolent sacpit. Anyhow, someone called the Snorf forth because Banafsi Pete died...? Because of charity...? I don't get it. I think Banafsi Pete was my seventh most favorite pirate in Qadira. Poor Pete!

Now, people were accusing the Astronomers of creating the Snorf, and the Legates of ordering that... So, there was a tiny riot on the Pyramid's steps. It was mostly the usual nonsense, but then a cloud of darkness appeared, and out popped copious amounts of scorch! It was a Wintermoss miracle! A Scorchmoss miracle...? Anyhow, every scorch-head in the Well – and there are a lot of them – showed up to scoop up all of that nasty spider juice! Some people picked up bundles of needles up just so that they could supply Angelique with the stuff! She's going to be high for months!

And then, during all of this... Domhnall got high on dirt, and started acting even weirder than usual... He fell over near the Pilgrim, first, then he went to the Krak and proceeded to have a boxing match with Salvatore's statue! He gave it the old one-two punch special, and down went the statue... It shattered into a gadjillion tiny pieces! The Krak had a new Champion of Dirt! Drugs give people supernatural strength, which is why I avoid any and all drug addicts, because I don't want to be shattered into a gadjillion tiny pieces!

We played Royal Dragon after that. It was nice.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 22nd

I've been wondering what all the awful racket around me has been about... Turns out that it was one of Ricario's inn warehouses! Who uses a room in an inn as a warehouse...? Seriously! The noise was so unbearable that I had to occasionally sleep with beeswax in my ears... And I was worried that Tonka wouldn't be able to sleep well at all, because cats are sensitive, that way. However, problem's solved, because the Banda promptly proceeded to let him know that nonsense like that isn't welcome, and threw him out after smashing a few of his horribly creaky chests.

The creaking... it was horrible! Thank the Wheel it's over now! There must've been so many complaints! I don't know which is worse, though... This or that period in time when someone was doing alchemy up here. That was so noisy, also! And I could swear there were explosions, too!

The Snorf came in for a visit... It's so big! They told me that it's hungry and patient, but they didn't tell me that it's absolutely, positively, unquestionably huge! Also, it's red, and has really big, droopy ears. Which is goofy. I can't take anyone with droopy ears seriously. It reminds me of a jerboa, and those little critters are absolutely precious! Anyhow... Apparently the solution is to have a smashing shindig, as Slimey might've said, a party with a lot of charity going on, because the Snorf can't stand that.

It's not because that'll give it a heart attack or something, it's because it'll lure it back towards its icy prison! What a dumbass! I mean, this of course is entirely dependant on it actually being a massive dumbass, which isn't guaranteed, but is pretty likely considering its droopy ears. Not that everything with droopy ears is dumb, but I've noticed a correlation.

I mean, a jerboa is an adorable dumbass, so... That shouldn't offend the Droopy Ears Society, or whatever. You can still be a dumbass and contribute something positive to society! I get enough complaint letters from fat people. I don't want more from people with droopy ears! I just know that they use their own ear wax to seal their letters! How disgusting!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 23rd

The Snorf is sealed back in its icy prison! For a year, anyhow. Since it had to be icy, we had to go all the way to Frostport to do the... imprisonment ritual, ceremony, whatever. The journey there was awful, because Brigitte kept shrieking this awful song, about women kissing and plucked harpies and bard tooting and all manner of horrible things. Some people shouldn't sing!

The ceremony was weird, because people had to get into a circle and start giving each other gifts. However, because most Ephians are even more geometrically challenged than me, they didn't know how to make a circle, so it was a really misshapen oval, in the end. Making a circle is easy! You just take 360 degrees! That's three sets of 120! I don't know what happens after you have those three sets, but a circle just kind of forms. So, maths is mostly hard, but geometry is easy, if you do it reflexively!

Brigitte gave me the gift of drums. I don't know how to play drums! I'm going to teach Tonka how to play them, instead. Cats are smart, so, she probably can figure it out. Maybe she can act as my morning alarm! Actually, this is a terrible idea, because she'd just wake me up every time she wants food!

I still want to see her play the drums, though... Maybe I can bribe her with food to not wake me up with them...? Or I can just hide the drums in the cupboard when I'm sleeping. That's easier.

I gave a bunch of gifts, too! But I wasn't really able to do personal gifts, because I think of gifts for at least a week, and this was on such short notice, and when I say that I think about gifts for at least a week, I mean that I need a week per singular gift! So they were just more general purpose gifts, like prisms... Which everyone can use, because aspectral energy is everywhere! Even in your frying pan, which is why I've had a bunch of blasphemous qatayef lately!

Anyhow... Apparently sealing the Snorf is actually done by group hugging it until it starts shrinking to such an extent that it disappears. I mean, there were sparkly magicks that were really distracting so I don't know if it disappeared into another dimension or if it just became so small that you couldn't see him. If it's just tininess, then the tiniest snowflake could be his icy seat! Maybe in such a small state it just takes him one year to walk to a wand shop and buy one of those wands that makes things bigger. Those are really rare here!

I'm going to use the rest of Wintermoss to sleep a lot! Tonka keeps trying to sleep on my face! It's so annoying! I have to get her a tiny bed, on top of my large bed, so that she'll use that instead... That can be my Wintermoss gift to her, which is a gift to a gift, since she was one of my Wintermoss gifts!

Also... How is the Fat Father able to give gifts to so many people on such limited time...? After all, he is fat, so he can't run. I think he transforms into a bird or something. A giant, invisible bird, that can carry all the gifts. How does he know what people want, though...? Because I kind of don't know what I want, myself, most of the time!

Right now I want some qatayef with pistachios, though!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 24th

Narwen and Ricario's auction went pretty well, thankfully... Even if there were some of those people who walk into an auction and start making fake, high bids because they think that's funny. I think there should be a law that forces you to commit to bids like that! Doesn't matter how much it is, you made the bid, now prepare to pay for the rest of your life, you dumb dumb!

And some people are still utterly confused about the Scribes' salaries, and were yelling that we're overpaid... Aaisha is literally a banker! Bankers make a ton of money! As for me, I'm an author... I write trashy books... Trash sells! And it turns out that being the head clerk of the Office of Current Affairs is a highly lucrative gig because people pay a lot of dinari for information! As for Emiliana... She sells brews. Most of the Voiced are addicted to brews. It's good money!

So, the base wages are actually really shitty. It's just that most of us have side gigs and far less expenses than people whom enjoy exploring the lavatories of goblins!

In fact, I think the biggest difference here is that we don't tend to buy brews each and every day...

Anyhow, I'm going to be spending Wintermoss with Tonka and Pirouz. And Inky, I guess. I guess an animated puddle of ink is part of this household. Pirouz isn't, really, but he might be in the future! And there is an ultimate test for that, tonight!

To test a man's worth as a partner, you have to judge their character with a simple question... Does he like cats? If he doesn't, you should quickly proceed to dump him, because he obviously isn't worth your time! Men who don't like cats are absolutely worthless, and they should just give up, and prepare to spend the rest of their miserable lives alone! I guess they could spend their time with other cat haters, but that sounds like such a depressing existence that clinging to life at that point would be just absolutely meaningless!

I don't know what you're supposed to eat during Wintermoss, so I'm going to just ask him where he wants to go... We can go to some restaurant in the Souk that accepts cats! Tonka can get one of the appetizers, since she's such a tiny lady!

Inky can just stay here, since animated puddles of ink tend to scare people!

I DID NOT WISH TO JOIN YOU ON THIS DISGUSTING DRAWING OF SUSTENANCE ANYWAY. I HAVE FAR MORE VITAL TASKS TO ACHIEVE. SUCH AS READING THROUGH THIS POSTHUMOUS BIOGRAPHY OF PETE OF BANAFSI. WHAT AN INTRIGUING INDIVIDUAL.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 25th

He doesn't like cats!

He loves them! Tonka and him got along so well that I felt like squealing! It was so adorable! Now that he's passed the ultimate test... he just has to pass the penultimate one. Which I guess, is dogs, since I want to get a dog, too, at some point! And an unicorn, of course! Can't forget about the unicorn! Maybe that's the penultimate test, instead.

I also learned that Tonka really likes poultry. Which is kind of weird... Not for cats in general, but for her. Whenever she sees live birds, like Cawford, she's mostly just curious and seems kind of playful, rather than a cunning huntress... Then you place some turkey strips in front of her and she's scarfing them down like there's no tomorrow! In fact, I haven't seen her try to hunt anything at all. Except for plants, I guess. And even that is kind of a lazy effort... She must've gotten used to people just feeding her on the streets! What a comfortable life!

Thankfully she's otherwise very active. I don't want a fat cat! That would be so embarassing!

Apparently we got a transfer from Baz'eel...? I didn't meet him amidst all these festivities and well-deserved rest... File I got is kind of scanty on information, too. Thankfully Martin didn't bring it to me. I'll never let him take even one step inside my room! Anyhow, if this guy is even half as diligent as Emiliana, thinks are finally looking rather promising for the Scribes! We need that state attorney, or whatever you call them... I don't want to advocate or prosecute! It's too hard! I like easier tasks, like knowing everything about every single new refugee that arrives! Time to get started on making a file on this new guy, I guess... even though he's not really a refugee...

Not now, though! I'll enjoy my Wintermoss vacation to the fullest!

ARE HUMANS REALLY AN OVIPAROUS SPECIES?

A what now...?

OVIPAROUS. STATED MORE CLEARLY SO THAT YOUR WANDERING MIND MIGHT DECIPHER THE MEANING... DO HUMANS HATCH FROM EGGS?

No, of course they don't! What in blazes made you ask that?!

THIS BIOGRAPHY OF PETE OF BANAFSI STATES THAT HE HATCHED FROM AN EGG THAT WAS LAID BY A SEAGULL WHICH MATED WITH A PARROT. IT ALSO STATES THAT HE TOOK TO PIRATING AT THE AGE OF TEN MONTHS. WHICH SEEMS QUITE THE ACCOMPLISHMENT SINCE MOST HUMANS DO NOT MANAGE TO DO MUCH AFTER TEN YEARS.

Oh, that biography's just nonsense, someone wrote it to make a quick dinari off Banafsi Pete's legacy!

NONSENSE?

HOW COULD IT BE NONSENSE? IT IS A RECORDING. THE RECORDED EVENTS MUST HAVE OCCURRED.

You think that...? All right, this conversation is far too long for writing! Perk up your... hearing... organ... and listen!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 26th

My Wintermoss vacation is ending! How horrible! At least I got to do a lot... Like teaching Tonka to dance! Well, the basics, anyhow. Rising to their hind legs and shaking their fore legs is kind of difficult for cats! But she seems to enjoy it. Now she starts mimicking me whenever I'm practising my moves in front of the mirror! It's probably just a game in her mind, but it still looks like dancing. Kind of.

I don't really want to go back to work... It's awful enough normally, but apparently Domhnall was trying to circumvent the Stele, for some reason! And when it was pointed out to him that he shouldn't be doing that, he got really passive aggressive, like usual, and basically called us Scribes really stupid! You'd think he'd have some respect for the labor force working under him, but apparently not... Anyhow, it sets a dangerous precedent, because if he's just allowed to do that, we might end up with a barrage of... non-Stele-committed... functions of state...? Something like that. Positions that nobody knows about, laws nobody is aware of, ministries that kind of exist but kind of don't... That's awful!

It's also a dreadful plight for us Scribes, specifically... People already ask me to perform tasks that aren't part of my duties or responsibilities, and they get really mad when I say no to something that I'm not even authorized to do! Now they'll start asking us to do things that the Stele can't do... Actually, they already do that. They'll do that more.

And since I was really bored while playing Efuddy, I did read a book on civics. Well, I browsed through it. It was really boring! There was something about sumptuous laws, but they weren't sumptuous at all! In fact, they were the very opposite, invented by some utter dullard, who's never had fun during their entire life! I'm glad that we don't have laws like that here!

Anyhow... Sumptuous and scrumptious sound so similar, but scrumptious is the better word, because it relates to food. I wonder if there are scrumptious laws...?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 27th

I've got it! I've finally got it! So much inspiration! So many ideas! It'll be sassy! It'll be brassy! Come to think of it, why do they associate brass with insolence? I don't particularly care for brass, but why it, of all metals...? Some... language... guy... must've been a real brass hater! Maybe they had a brass allergy!

I wrote so many ideas down! Inky read some of them. I don't think they get humor.

WRITING IS FOR RECORDING. WRITING IS FOR RECORDING. WRITING IS FOR RECORDING.

Oh, you're still doing that... Learning about fiction, fabrication and lies must've been deeply traumatic! How sad! I'm sure you'll get better in about a week, though. I base this solely on the vague understanding of medicine that I've formed from conversations with my doctor, Vijaya Bollimunta. Who takes care of people. Oh well, I guess animated puddles of ink and people are similar enough! Get better soon, Inky!

I guess I have to go to work now. How dreadful! I kind of just want to stay in bed with Tonka, though. Cats really have it easy. They can just sleep and eat a lot, and not get fat! I mean, it's mostly because they run and jump around madly when they're not doing those things... Anyhow, work... I'll play Efuddy first, instead!

And then I'll get lunch!

And then I'll go shopping in the Souk!

And then I'll get coffee, because shopping is so tiring when you do it right...

And then I'll feed Tonka!

And then I'll go to work!

Probably.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 28th

Some meetings really have a lot of back and forth... Yesterday's had so much of it that it was basically like a rocking chair. For Domhnall, anyhow. He fell asleep on the Chamber's floor. He only managed a couple of minutes, though. I couldn't sleep on the floor! Well, I could in the past, I just don't want to do that anymore. Anyhow... Even though that was really weird, at least he didn't ask for a bed or something. I'm not carrying a bed to the Chamber! Neither is Aaisha. And Amound shouldn't do it, since he's really old. He'd break whatever singular bone he has left!

Emiliana, though... She's the Battlescribe. Maybe she knows some song that gives her superstrength or something. Furniture Ferrier's Frottola...? I don't know why she'd use a ferry for that... I just needed three Fs! Alliteration is important for song names!

The Fat Father gave Eclair a metallic mask. It's pretty creepy! I think it helps her with her healing magicks. I'm not sure, I don't get magic. Is it magic or magick, anyhow? I think it's magick when it's a witch or a warlock or some other weirder style of magic...kian like that. But Eclair isn't a witch, so she probably casts magic, instead of magick. Probably. Eclair says that she isn't a hospitaller, or a knight, but she's a healer, she wears knightly armor, and she can smell the stench of evil from a mile away! So she must be a hospitaller!

Also, she's probably taller than a hospi, whatever that is.

I found a pinecone! I was going to make a toy out of it for Tonka, but I gave it to Amound, instead. I suppose that's the safer option, since Tonka might've swallowed some of the scales and gotten a tummy ache. Amound's going to brew tea from it, instead. I haven't had pinecone tea, so I don't know what it tastes like. Probably like pinecones. Which I haven't eaten, but you can usually get the idea of what something tastes like from the aroma, and this pinecone smelled really nice!

I still wouldn't eat it though!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 29th

The problem with finally being rid of my writer's block is that I'm writing too much, now! I guess I have to throw some ideas away... Which I've done before! Even trash has limits! This time, I even have a nomenclatura, so names come much easier! Naming is too hard. I don't know how parents do it! Naming Tonka was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do!

Anyhow... I was having a play chase with her, and apparently some people weren't able to discern that she's a pet...? They were wondering if she was a wild animal chasing me for real. Tonka is a tiny lady! She's barely stopped being a kitten! Also, I was smiling, and so was she! I WAS LAUGHING! How do you lack context comprehension to such an extent that you even consider the possibility of her being a dangerous wild animal...? Ephians are really stupid! The caravaneers, anyhow, I have far more pleasant conversations in the Tablet when I visit... But I guess the Tablet...eers'... citizenship is kind of up in the air, whatever.

I mean, caravaneers hit their heads a lot, so I guess it makes sense for them to be excessively stupid... Head trauma is never good for your brain!

Also... I heard Martin fell off the Mount. Considering that he was in tip-top condition - to the extent that he can manage anyhow - back at our office, I'd wager that he fell on something soft. Like a really fat guy. Or maybe someone important was going through town atop their groknak howdah, and Martin fell inside the howdah! I like saying howdah. It's a funny word! It's kind of like chowder. Which is tasty. Anyhow, I'd say that Martin should be more careful, if it weren't completely and utterly pointless! Such is the nature of his curse!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 30th

I think Caster is depressed and denying it! It's because he's possibly losing one of his study buddies... College seems like it's full of drama! Anyhow... He carries a knife with him, at all times... I've heard that you should keep depressed people away from any and all sharp objects! He keeps saying that he's fine and happy, as if to convince himself of it... He's probably using his big hat to hide his tearful eyes! He's also giving his possessions away all the time... in the form of magical wards... he has a lot of magic, and that's a form of possession... I've heard that's one of the warning signs! Someone should help him before it's too late!

Out of the Fat Father's many gifts, Xon's is no doubt the strangest! Which is fitting. He has a second star now! So, instead of observing star, he observes stars now. Two is enough for plurals. It's bigger, and faster, though Xon says that it isn't actually faster... I think that's what he said, anyhow, I don't get astronomy or astrology or astropogy. An astropogy is a type of fish, that probably lives in the fish dimension. I think so, anyhow... People keep refusing to take Xon on their adventures based on his appearance, which is really rude, and doesn't make sense, because ugly people get to do boardwork too, and Xon isn't ugly.

A lot of people are asking me about glimmer-pearls lately. Glimmer pearls? Compounds are hard. Anyhow, I wonder why the sudden interest...? Did someone find a glimmer pearl...? Is somebody buying them...? Does a wondrous love spell require a glimmer pearl as one of the reagents...? There must be a reason, and it can't be just mere curiosity! If I could have a glimmer pearl necklace, I'd be so happy. I mean, I'm pretty happy lately, but I'd be even happier! Maybe Pirouz is planning to give me a glimmer pearl necklace, as a nocturnal surprise! How romantic! I love romantic surprises! Especially in the evening!

Glimmer pearls give me another idea, actually... This is going to be so grand!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 31st

Debates sure are weird! People have to argue in defense of things that they don't even believe in... A lot of people told me that I should've taken part, too! But the topics were way too difficult! If I had to debate about the majesty of the frangipani, I would've won easily. But, since debates are weird, I probably would've been forced to argue that frangipani is really ugly or something, which it isn't, because it's the grandest flower of them all! In some cultures, they make frangipani garlands... It also happens that those cultures are among the happiest of all of cultures! Coincidence...? I don't think so!

Hambone won. He was pretty good, I admit it... But Narwen was far better! Her arguments were so factual and logical! She should've won! I also didn't know this, but apparently Narwen is an inventor. She came up with a gun that shoots falafels. Now, that's a pretty delicious idea, but I think that there's a lot of risks involved...? You point it at somebody in order to give them a delicious meal, and they're going to think that you're trying to kill them! Which you probably could do, if the... velocity... of the falafel... bullet... was high enough...? I don't know. Some professor at the Sandstone probably has a formula for the deadliness of the falafel bullet's trajection...

Does "Felicity" come from "velocity"? Is it a mathematical name? Mathematical names are so dumb. You shouldn't give mathematical names to people. Or cats. Or dogs. Or unicorns!

Anyhow... Last day of the year! I don't know how Ephia's Well celebrates a new year. I think it's just the same as everywhere else... People just get really drunk, have nightly escapades that they regret in the morning, forget about all the promises they made to improve themselves within the first week, and... There's a heron involved? Here, I mean, specifically. Not all cultures have herons. Some cultures have ibises! My favorite ibis is the scarlet ibis, because it's just as flamboyant as I am! Almost as flamboyant. I have to give myself credit!

Here's to a new year! I hope it's filled with less nonsense than this one!