The Journal of Bashir Khatara

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 4th

Zain, being the ever diligent sweetheart of a gentleman that he is, got me the flowers that I've been looking for! I wish all men had his capacity to get things done... But some miracles even the Wheel can't grant. I've no clue of what I should get him in return, even if he doesn't really want anything... I'll just help him with his research. I have to do my best to keep the flowers alive as long as I can. Not like I can't just fill the vase with new ones, but these ones are special... I'll have to see if Marcellus has a treatise on natural philosophy, there must be some information available on how to best tend to these particular ones... My room looks quite complete now, and I can't really think of much to add anymore. Maybe some art? Another mirror? Mari was thinking of getting two mirrors, and that does make sense...

Religious gatherings feel strange to me. I don't really want to say anything, so that I don't offend anyone. I have a tendency towards that, so doing so in the middle of some more zealous types just seems like a terrible idea. I've never really been religious, either. Not that I have anything against that. Just feels hypocritical to commit a bunch of sins in the evening, and then pray the stains away in the morning. And I've never been able to commit to much, so choosing just one Spoke is just about impossible... And worshipping the Wheel as a whole is not really an option, either. If an Ashfolk heard any of this, their jaw would probably drop to the floor.

An unhappy Narwen is an utterly dismal sight. I don't know why anyone wouldn't want to spend time with her, as she is always an absolute delight. Oh, wow, I rhymed there, accidentally, kind of... Anyhow, she wrote a delightful ditty about Echemmon's thighs. Very catchy, very funny, as usual. I wish there was more music at the Krak, but Narwen is worth at least ten bards, so... Maybe it's not so bad. It's kind of interesting, the characteristics that people remember about others, isn't it? With Echemmon, it's the lack of pants. With me, it's probably going to be the distinctive lack of a tasteful parasol!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 5th

A full moon! Such a beautiful sight. And I got to share it with Zain! How wondrous... He also showed me some constellations with his sextant: the Rat, the Stupid and the Old Goat. I think that's the name of a children's fairytale... Anyhow, people tend to perceive things where there are none, don't they? One morning, when I woke up, I mistook my hand for a giant spider, and punched at it so hard that my wrist hurt for a few days... Admittedly I had been drinking a lot the night before, but that's still stupid as fuck... Anyway, the sunrise was absolutely gorgeous. I wasn't sure if I should've offered some shade from it for Zain's eyes somehow, but I guess that would've been kind of demeaning...

De Veend handed Gallows' Scribe badge to me. I kind of feel like throwing it in the trash, because it belonged to someone who was absolute trash. Not my best work, that one, I admit... The problem is that the blasted thing is probably historically important, so I'll presumably have to hand it to someone who cares. Why would anyone risk a lucrative career to steal just eleven thousand? I've made far more than that legitimately. What is legitimate in the Well just happens to be defined in a way that is highly profitable. Lucky me...

Mari took me to a tropical island – Hufaidh. Wasn't sure how I should have felt about traversing the ocean. On one hand, it was a magnificent sight... On the other hand, it was a depressing reminder of the state of things. As for the island itself... So many trees. Bounty and beauty. Astounding vistas abound. A veritable paradise, if it were not for the dangerous wildlife. I wonder who sculpted those giant statues? Especially the one at the top... What a sight. Mari is good company. I feel extremely safe with her. I've often thought that I don't have many friends in the Well, but I suppose she is one? I enjoy my time with her, and she has been nothing but a positive influence on my life here. I would say that counts as a friend, and a good one. 

Sharing such things with good friends makes life worth living.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 6th

I finally managed to sell fifty licenses. I'm going to celebrate by giving away free stationery, by throwing it off the Pyramid's balcony. In actuality, I'm going to celebrate by getting drunk and sleeping a lot. Which is what I was going to do anyway. Reading through the license record is so boring that I wouldn't read it even when I had nothing else to read. There's a severe lack of funny names. Like if there was someone called... I don't know, "Bart Fargo"... Then that would be slightly amusing, at least. I did see a "Shix Splimmett" there. That's funny? I'm really bored...

There was a murder in the Plaza. Gruesome stuff. Well, I'm kind of unclear if the poor sod was killed there, or carried there... The fact that nobody saw anything is highly suspicious. I wonder if Daoud will help with the case? Or if it will just be the Astronomers fidgeting around with their wrist devices? I wouldn't want to own one of those, as those things seem highly distracting, and I'm distracted easily enough already. Anyhow, I really should buy more cigarettes after writing this.

Zain showed me the basics of engineering. Apparently it just involves getting a lot of similar junk, and then just melting it all together... He suggested that I try it with a bunch of paper, and all I managed to make was useless hunks of melted metal. That doesn't make any sense. Then again, I did see someone make lard out of yeast, so I guess reality just works differently here. And speaking of useless hunks, why are there so many muscular men here, and none of them offer their services as movers? Pulling furniture around with a rope is highly embarassing.

The Throater killed Sathuul! That's awful! I had a lot of respect for the man, as his dedication to his job was impressive... And I got so used to his grunting at most meetings... It's going to be so strange not having him around. The ceremony was so sad. It was obvious that everyone in the Fourth respected him. Way too many funerals lately. I just wish there was a week without anyone I know dying... Wait, that's really selfish. Anyhow, 7500 dinari is a lot of money! Should attract a lot of bounty hunters... I think the Banda just might catch the Throater, finally... I still kind of wish they hadn't called him that, but at least it gave us a new Velan Volandis novelette.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 7th

Helping someone you really like with their testament is some strange stuff... You really have to curb your curiosity, and I'm so curious that it's really difficult! It's a bit strange that more people don't get theirs done, though. Especially with how many people die here. I know that most people here are materialistic enough to care about their possessions. Aren't they in for a treat when they, I don't know, fall down the Pyramid's stairs, and people pounce on their bag like a buch of ravenous dogs. Then again there's probably plenty of people who wouldn't respect a testament at all, so... 

A lot of people have been telling me that I should try my hand at writing... So I started writing a novelette! The problem is that I can't take any work outside of my actual job very seriously, so I just kept writing whatever I thought would be funny. The end result is trashy, but at least it's my trash... Anyhow, it's being published as a serial, so I don't have to write that much in one sitting... I don't even actually know where the chapters are being published? Some rag, I guess. I don't really care. I'm not even going to advertise... I wish people would stop telling me that I'm good at things, because then I feel like I have to prove it, and I just end up revealing that I'm actually really stupid.

Coming up with names for characters is difficult, too! I was going to name them after things that I see around me, first, because I'm really lazy... But Mr. Winebottle or Miss Couch are both terrible names... I'm just going to pick the goofiest names that come to mind. Even those are better.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 8th

Ten things that I hate about blood:

    1. The color
    2. The smell
    3. The consistency
    4. How it keeps flowing once spilled
    5. That some wines are the same color
    6. Its overuse as a metaphor in poems
    7. Leeches are disgusting
    8. That every other evil being here has power over it
    9. I don't like blood sausages
    10. "Blood is thicker than water" shut the fuck up

Anyhow, yesterday was really weird. I thought that I was going to die. A moment of relief, and things go back to normal. Sudden shifts like that are strange. I think some people thought that I vomited blood? I vomited because the puddle of pool appeared under me out of nowhere. My vomit is far more beauti – yeah you know what even I can't finish that fucking thought.

Even Domhnall was aware that I'm writing now... That's surprising. I still don't know the name of the publication that's printing them. It's probably something like "The Pink Unicorn". Nah, that's too subtle. Something dirty like "Plowboy". Anyhow, it's satisfying to get the chapters finished, even if I'm not taking it seriously... Am I going to get residuals, actually? Maybe I should've read the contract with a more discerning eye.
 

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 9th

Some prisoners escaped from Banafsi, and a bunch of them enlisted in the Fourth. One of them joined up with us Scribes. He seems all right, and very grateful towards the Sultan. If he turns out to be another lunatic, I'll be extremely disappointed, and never help recruit anyone into the Scribes again. I wish they had some of that Banafsian banana bread, though. Maybe they have the recipe. I haven't seen any bananas, however.
 
Boops held a speech. Some of her supporters wanted to give her money towards a campaign office, but she was too focused on yelling at Domhnall. So the supporters pelted her with camel dung! What a mess! The moustachioed gentleman forgave her, though, and gave her the dinari. She better not buy Gallows' old place! There's probably still some money hidden somewhere in the floorboards! That would be a massive scandal!

These gloom trading cards are pretty neat. Well, I only get them because of the artwork, really. I don't even know how to play. Meadow wanted to come up with a ruleset for them with me... I don't know if I'm suitable for that, because I'm pretty bad at card games, to be honest. I mean, I'm good at cheating at them, which always made games of strip Talis very entertaining. What's more difficult, anyhow, legitimate or illegitimate play? I guess the risks involved depend on whom you're playing with. 

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 10th

I had a very long conversation with Zain. He really can read me like an open book. Quite literally... Maybe writing under my actual name was a mistake, because I seem to have the subtlety of a drunken walrus at a fish market.

But it was a good discussion. Even if the end result is just me admitting things that I already knew.

Physical intimacy is easy. There are no uncomfortable emotions involved. They don't get to know me. I just get drunk, flirt with the first guy that has some muscle definition, and fuck them. If they don't want more than that, that's just fine. Still hurts when enough guys say that...

Emotional intimacy? Actually requires letting them near you. Allowing them to see what's beneath the veneer. Allowing them the chance to disappoint you on a deeper level. Allowing yourself to do the same to them. There's a deeper pain to that... But I suppose that it's worth it...

I'm a creature of habit though... And most of my habits are unhealthy.

So I probably won't be able to stop it completely... But I might as well pick up some healthier habits. Like maybe try meeting them at least twice before I sleep with them.

Small steps.

Only ones I know to take.

And to be honest... I was just going to get drunk and drown this page in angst, but... The end result of not doing that was only somewhat embarassing, and more of a release than usual...

Philosophy, huh? Maybe it's not just for ditch dwellers, after all.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 11th

They sealed the Beast inside a bubble. Hooray. At least the bubble was a delightful color. I wish I could hop inside a bubble and float away. To the moon, maybe. At least it would be a pleasant change of scenery, for a time. There's a probably a city there, full of Moonfolk. They speak backwards and look like giant humanoid mantises. That sounds pretty amazing, actually. I'm going there in my dreams...

Otherwise a pretty dull day... Meadow did make me some bullets. They're useful enough, even if I do not travel that much. She's a very pleasant travel companion, though I admittedly do not have much to say on these slower days... I should take up more hobbies so I would have plenty of topics for conversation... But then again, then I'd just talk about myself all the time... And that's pretty depressing.

The most annoying part about writing is getting feedback on it... Most of it's been good, and Zain even called my writing "decent". Which is high praise, coming from him... I wish I could take writing seriously, but I can't manage that with myself, so everything I produce is a bit whimsical. Except for my transcripts, they're all utterly dull. Anyhow, negative feedback is my weak spot currently, since getting it for creative writing is something that I'm completely new to... I wish people would be more detailed about the things that they don't like... But then again I just want to write for myself.

This election is pretty dull, too... At least there's stickers.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 12th

I feel like quitting.

A lot of the time, anyhow... Maybe it's the past lurking behind me, but every mistake just feels like a chokehold around my neck... Sure, the job pays well, but otherwise you're kind of a vague presence in the background. Besides the wage, you just get a bunch of meaningless gestures that don't really amount to much in the end. And when you do fuck up, you'll only hear the end of it once they get distracted by some idiotic drama...

More than half of the time I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm supposed to be gathering information, but it isn't like most people talk to me about important things anyway. Even when it's something dangerous that Ephians should know about. So I just stand around quietly, because if I talk, then they shut up. It's my fucking job, what do you think that I'm doing? And then they come to the offices, and there might as well be a sign there that says "Bashir, can you leave the room?" because that's what they usually end up saying... If they can even remember my name.

Licensing? It's boring as shit. Legislature? Same. Every time I sit down to read about jurisprudence, there's some crisis that vaguely needs my presence, anyway.

There's many evenings where I go for a smoke on the Pyramid's balcony, and just look over the town for an hour. A beautiful view, but it never feels like home. I don't think any place has ever felt like home. I don't think any place ever will.

Do I have friends? Sure. But I don't feel like a friend to them. I don't know how I feel. I don't even know who I am. The cost of playing so many exaggerated roles to such an extent that I lose myself in them, I suppose. Me at work and me during leisure are two completely different people.

But I can't quit. I can't leave. I don't know how to do anything else. I don't know how to live anywhere else.

And all of this? Just more impotent angst, utterly meaningless in the end. Someone'll compliment my scarf, and I'll forget about all of it for a moment. And then I'll come back to my room, lay on the couch, stare up at the ceiling, and realize how completely empty I feel.

And preceding that habitual moment, last night? A guy I met escorted me to my room. I wasn't even drunk, this time. I really did want to just talk. I looked him right in his gorgeous eyes, somehow maintaining a veneer of confidence, even though all I actually felt was shame. A night of compliments, all directed at me, and seemingly for the sake of merely doing so. And all I could think was... That this man is too nice. That I do not deserve anyone like that. That he does not deserve to know such a perpetual fuckup, who ruins everything that he touches.

So I said goodbye, closed the door, dropped my clothes onto the floor and jumped on the couch... Pulled a pillow to my face, and began sobbing uncontrollably.

The best thing that I can do for someone else is nothing.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 13th

Domhnall won. Which is about as surprising as the fact that I want more flowers now. I hope that we don't get many visits from Ibn Ghalish... Who am I kidding, he'll probably be in the office every day from now on. Probably set fire to our archives or something, too... Should hire a mage to cast some kind of insulation spell there, I suppose. I hope that he's a good boss, and isn't addicted to sedatives or something, so we won't have a repeat of Qari's eternal sleep.

Everyone's crazy about Selsi's Cube, it seems. I don't think it's that interesting... A Janissary said that it's more like a cuboid or a prism, and if I'm going to take geometric advice from anyone, then it's definitely one of the Fourth... I mean they have a number in their name and everything, so they must know a lot about maths... Anyhow, I don't get it, the stickers are for more intriguing and tasteful. I'm going to stick them here in my journal.

Some travel too, today... Nusrum again. Saw the seemingly endless pit there. I wonder what's down there. Probably something ancient and evil. And it'll visit us, like... Two months from now. After Boots plays his trumpet into the pit. It'll be sealed by the Office of Minor Nuisances after they rediscover their forgotten past as witch hunters. But my guess is too predictable so it'll probably be something even stupider... 

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 14th

They snatched the Throater. With great speed, they polished their spears, and thrust themselves upon the gutter. They pounced on him, beat his meat, and yanked him off to the garrison. Whatever was left of him, anyway. Here are my completely serious suggestions for the moniker of the next assassin:

    • The Finisher
    • The Gaper
    • The Gusher
    • The Two Thrust Thug

Anyway, now that all of that is out of my mind, I hope that we won't get any assassins, especially not ones with monikers as goofy as that.

I really wish that I could keep my mouth shut, sometimes. But there's a lot of moments where I just have to ask some utterly stupid question, because my curiosity is like a... sieve. I don't know, something that leaks a lot. Sometimes it's an actually good question, but I don't know how to phrase it, or I'm not the person who should be asking it... How do people deal with that? Because I don't know how to... I'll just blurt them out like that, and sometimes it's just so stupid that I feel angry at myself immediately after doing it.

At least I didn't make a fool of myself when Princess Hasheema came to visit Domhnall's inauguration. I wish I was better at titles, though. I don't even know where I would ask about them, however... Loved her dress, a very pleasant ochre. I should get shorts in that color, actually... This time I made sure to record the entirety of the speech, and I made copies too, so that Martin couldn't spill ink on all of them. Not only did he manage to spill wine on himself, but he also set his uniform ablaze! I had to throw water on him! How does he manage to survive?!

The worst thing is... He's kind of cute... So I actually feel sorry for him on some level, even though he keeps doing this all the time. He must be cursed by the Sabotage somehow. I wonder if he has any chances of finding a spouse? Looking after him would be such a laborious undertaking that I highly doubt it.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 15th

Azimi's doppelganger called me tacky! I'm not! And just to make sure that everyone knows, I'll be purchasing five more fashionable attires, along with a tasteful new wardrobe for them! But... then again, nobody would know, because every time I'm not wearing my uniform, people start pestering me with questions about whether I quit or not... I'll buy the clothes anyway. Anyhow, I don't know much about doppelgangers. I thought it was a really talented parrot, originally. But then I saw it! It was just as growthfully challenged as the real thing!

Domhnall bought a dirty, stained bed! He even said that it was teeming with venereal disease! WHY DID YOU BUY IT THEN?! Anyhow, it's at the Wheel House now. They should wash it, fumigate it, apply a generous helping of acid to it, burn the old sheets, have a priest exorcise and consecrate it... Beg the Wheel for forgiveness... Have a grognak sit on it...? I don't think that last one would help... I slept on the couch just so that I wouldn't have to think about beds.

Why can strange entities of dubious origin have butterfly wings, but I can't? It isn't fair. I'd look absolutely fabulous with them. Also I guess being able to fly would be nice as well... It's mostly about the aesthetic for me, though. Yet there would be downsides... I'd have to cut a hole for them in every shirt I own... Seeing such fine fabrics destroyed would be simply dreadful. Maybe having wings wouldn't be so great after all.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 16th

I'm Domhnall's interior decorator, now! Minister of Decor! Minister of Interior Decoration? I don't really get titles. Oh well, I should write a few ideas down...

• A mirror, with a simple silver filigree frame, next to his bed. A Legate should be ready to look presentable, as soon as they wake up!

• The general hue of the decor... The office of the League of White features lighter shades for theirs, for obvious reasons. That would make his affliations evident, but the Pyramid's tiling is of a lighter hue already, so it might end up looking too subdued. A slightly darker theme could offer much needed contrast.

• A wardrobe, also near his bed. He might be stuck wearing that toga most of the time, but people shouldn't get the impression that it's the only apparel that he has.

• Two bookcases. One can have Asterabadian theory, the second more practical works, such as that book on camel care. Give that impression of a learned man of the people to anyone who visits! I simply adore the bookcase in the League of White office. It is a simple, practical design, accentuated with glass-paned doors, further overlain with saltire shaped accents. Is saltire correct in this context? Who gives a shit, it sounds fancier than "diagonal cross". Anyhow, I want a bookcase like that for myself!

• At least two flowerpots. White lilies would be perfect, but most likely far too difficult to find...

• More chairs around his desk. Cushioned ones, maybe just more of the same. The Rose attend meetings in higher numbers, and meetings within meetings are an ancient Ephian tradition. It's so akward to have multiple people just standing there.

• A desk and chair for Scribes? I don't mind standing, but maybe my colleagues do. Too much sitting is bad for you. You don't get legs as glorious as this by doing that!

• A third carpet. Around the door, as that area looks kind of lonely. I suppose it would have to be identical to the two others... They're decently tasteful, I suppose. I always preferred the ones in the corridor...

• Tapestry and/or paintings. That wall behind his throne just looks too bare. Perhaps a painting of some strapping revolutionaries... Their bodies dewed with sweat from all that hard work of reading poetry to the common folk... Or whatever it is that they do. Maybe one or two of those white lily banners? Those are cute. Some stained glass from the glaziers? Their floral designs are fantastic. Yet their lead times are simply awful!

These are just a few ideas, I've plenty more. Then again the room is far too small to contain my genius, so I have to limit myself.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 17th

My soul is a tempestuous one. Yesterday, I cried, and I'm not even entirely sure of why. Maybe it's just the end result of stress building up to such an extent that I can't hold it in anymore. And in this job, it builds up very quickly... I think that I should just stay quiet at meetings from now on, and just whisper in the Legates' ears when I actually have something important to say... One of the easier ways to reduce some of the stress. 

I think that one of the sadder things about my professional life is the fact that I've no idea what I'm doing right. So when people heap praise on me, I don't really know why... And I can't really ask, because that would be awkward... Maybe I just pay too much attention to my mistakes, but when people tell someone like Yavuz to learn from my example, I feel like screaming... I think that he's already better at this job than I can ever hope to be.

As for the pretender from Banafsi... Maybe I should've known better, and dissuaded Domhnall from letting him sit on the throne. But I had just woken up from a nap and everything happened so quickly... The timing was just wonderful. Don't even really know what is expected of me during such sudden occurrences, if anything at all is expected to begin with... I'm kind of shit at my job, and I wish people would stop telling me otherwise.

At least I can shop for clothes. Some joy to be had, at the very least...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 18th

Narwen showed me her home... Well, some of it, anyhow. Even that small space was still absolutely beautiful. Their water barrier is far more tasteful than the Shade, and the architecture has a rather pleasant rustic feel to it... What caught my eye the most, however, were their lanterns. Simply stylish. I want one or two for my room, but I'll have to see if they're willing to sell them in the future. A pleasant conversation, too, though our differences in education really do show... She's far better at all that cosmology stuff than me.

I guess I could call myself an actor now, after that Gloomology Workshop. A thespian. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, as acting is kind of a career killer. I suppose I could still volunteer in the future, though, as it was really fun. I'm surprisingly good at getting into a role, even if it was just Balladeer #2... I gave him an accent, because accents are an easy way to give someone a little more character. I guess I should've asked more questions about his backstory... I wonder if I could write a Hardacre play? Probably, but nobody would volunteer for it, since I would have too many kissing scenes.

After the Workshop, there was a glar. A gloom spar. After a very showy display of cardful prowess, Sebastian managed to claim victory over Alejandro. He won the rarest Gloomcard, The Beast, and gave it to Anais, who proceeded to faint out of joy. Or maybe she's anemic or really tired from all that yelling that she does, I don't know. I want to own the rarest wine card, but I don't know what it is. It probably costs a gadillion badjillion.

I think I'm buying too many shorts... I have so many ideas for outfits, but I almost always end up wearing shorts, in the end... But I like showing off my legs! And shorts are very comfortable! And so easy to mix and match... I guess I could buy some silwar... That gives me a lot of ideas actually! But I'll probably still end up buying at least two pairs of shorts instead.