The Book of Big Bash

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tammuz 29th, IY 7789

Lately, a lot of folk want me to return to the labor of diplomacy... which is to say, they want to shove all of the responsibility onto my lap, while ignoring all of my advice, and taking the glory for any and all successes there might be. So, when I humbly refuse the position, and give suggestions of others that could handle it better, they get real offended. Like, who should be offended here, really?! I'm helping you, despite you trying to take advantage of me! You're like, doubling down on being an outright tosser...

Now, if it was the type of diplomacy that only I can handle... well, me and my family... and as long as it was for a good cause... then, obviously I'd try my best! Like, if they needed help with the chore mice again, I'd totally help. But all they give me is Qadira, Qadira, Qadira, because these bitches simply enjoy torturing me! Yet I've learned my lesson... I can simply say "no", now that my contract is like, mostly negotiable. Someone else can breathe in the septic fumes discharged from a Qadiran pirate's rotting maw, since you obviously have a strange obsession with doing that!

I'm just going to read from my dossier... and if they ignore that, then it's completely their own fault! I'm tired of being a scapegoat!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tammuz 30th, IY 7789

Managing the Scribes is such an emotional twister... Mostly, it's just day-to-day humdrummery... then you have folk like Quinoa, deciding to run off with a mob of vigilantes, for some reason? I can't really figure him out. He's plain peculiar. Yet I didn't hire him, so, not my responsibility. You hire a weirdo, it's all on you! Though I guess I could tell the others to practise prudence in such things... yet I've already done so, like, multiple times, so...

And then there's Kiran, who has a bunch of lofty ideas. I really want to help her, yet it can be a real challenge... Explaining our budgetary limits, the boundaries of the Legate-Scribe relationship, our responsibilities as representatives of the Sultan... Doing all of that without letting her down! You kind of have to accept some realities around here, as sad as they might be. It's a job, and so, with it, comes all of the usual baggage. Can't really change that.

Anyhow, I do want to help her find this mysterious Stonefolk, who's really into jazz'eel... Yet I haven't heard a peep of him, so, I'm not sure what to do, other than luring him out with the sweet sounds of Baz'eel jazz'eel. I know plenty of musicians, but the jazz'eel scene...? Not really my thing, well, I do like the songs, but like, I don't really associate... Anyhow, I'm only vaguely aware of that gnome that Martin hired to play piano at the Pyramid. And there, I don't even have a name, so... What a conundrum!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 1st, IY 7789

The sticker for this election is dedicated to Marcellus... It feels strange, staring at it within my scrapbook. Folk work through their grief in various ways, and transmuting those memories into silly stuffs and things is one that I'm particularly fond of... It can never truly capture whatever there once was, but I don't think that matters, really. Everything's in flux, anyhow, so having even a tiny morsel of some sort of truth is enough for me. It's complicated yet silly, which is just how everything tends to be, really. I think so, anyhow...

Thankfully, this time around, the election's not shoving a whole lot of extra labor onto my plate. Plenty of help, really, so, I can just focus on making sure that everyone has everything that they need. Well, everything that's within the budget, anyhow. And telling the tabulators not to tell me the votes...? A grand idea, because I don't have dinguses asking me about it all the time! So, I have some peace and quiet... which I use for far more important things! Like figuring out how we can save a bundle on cleaning costs. For example, there simply must be an ideal amount of citric acid, for each and every task. So, if I can figure that out, we'll save a pretty dinar. I'd ask an alchemist, but most of them are weirdos that don't care about such things...

And yeah, I know that the only ones that care about this sort of stuff are me and the custodians, but like... cleaning's super important? So are budgets, as boring as they might be. So, they won't sing my praises for this, but at least it'll make the labor easier for us...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 2nd, IY 7789

Jamileh went over a whole lot of ancient history with me... I don't really understand much about all that, but I guess she just needed an abat-voix. I think I'm a pretty good abat-voix. Though some folk like, just want you to just nod along, and what's the point of that...? You could just talk to the walls for the same effect! I suppose folk would stare at you like a loony, though... Folk see you talking with me, they start thinking that you're pretty neat! Oh, I get it now.

Anyhow, speaking of Jamileh, her hygiene is so terrible due to her sleeping habits, that even her bookcase had fleas! I don't really know how that's possible, but it's the truth! Thankfully nobody in our household caught any, so, all of the fleas flew the coop along with the case. I think they were scared of Inky? Couldn't have been me or Tonka, since we're far too cute for that.

FOUL SIPHONS! I SHALL RUN THEE DOWN FROM MINE ABODE!

Yeah, it was definitely Inky... Oh, and apparently, I had Jamileh worried. I don't know why. I'd totally tell her... but no, I do know why. It's just that I don't want to think about all that, myself? But still... I'm not the type to do something like that to my friends! I'm highly responsible, and respectful, and a bunch of other stuff starting with "res".

RESEDA!

Absolutely not!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 3rd, IY 7789

Inky's gloating... because they were sort of right.

THOU WERE ERRONEOUS! MINE MENTAL PATTERNS PRODUCED CERTITUDE!

Sure, they make yellow dye out of it, but like, who would describe me as "yellow"? It makes no sense!

THOU CLAD THYSELF IN THE XANTHOUS REGALIA ENDURINGLY! THINE FORM HIBERNATES UPON THE SETTEE WITHIN ITS GOLDEN COCOON! THOU ART THE SWAIN IN SAFFRON!

I don't do any of that! Sure, on occasion, I get home real tired, so, yeah, I fall asleep, but it's not like I enjoy sleeping in it... as soft as it is... Anyhow, I admit it, you were sort of right. I hope you're happy!

JUBILATION!

Great... Anyhow, Lujayn's the new Legate. I gave her the big ol' tour, like always. Folk never seem to understand that new Legates have to actually learn how to do things... before you ask them to do them? So, she had like, a giant line of people, just constantly asking after her. It was really annoying! Anyhow, turns out that my key to the Divan still works... I didn't really want to let them in there, but they ran in right at the moment I tried the key! I couldn't stop them, and it was so awkward, so, when Vellum called, we went by the Divan ash sail, and like, it was pointless, because then Lujayn was real sleepy? I'm not sure why we took the ride down. She could've taken a nap in the garden. I'm sure that nobody would've minded that!

I wonder how many of such tours I've given...? I wonder how many are left?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 4th, IY 7789

The ShuSheSuSo gave me some money... well, it's not for me, I have to give it to Shum's first apprentice! Shum's fan club gives away money, my fan club has knife fights on rooftops... It's just not fair. Anyhow, I couldn't find Shum, because a trial had tired him out... Oh yeah, there was a trial. Another necromancer! It was like, so obvious, yet the Fourth still seemed to have trouble proving that...? They could just show that he has the evil tattoo! Everybody can recognize an evil tattoo!

Reminds me... I want to get a tattoo, too! Not an evil one, obviously... something cute! Like, how about a flock of birds in mid-flight? Wait, no, two swallows, flying towards each other! Oh, how about a nautical star, like, around the waist, so that you can only see it when you lift your shirt up? Oh, no, a butterfly, in all the colors of a rainbow! This is too hard! All of these sound simply grand, and like, completely unique. Nobody like me has ever had anything like this before, because there's only one of me!

I guess I could get all of them...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 5th, IY 7789

Vellum ordered a dress for Nerdywell... It was awful! Not the dress, the making of it, it was simply dreadful, I'm never making anything for her, because she's like, so disrespectful! My first design, which everyone else loved, she said that it looked like an "apron". She has never seen an apron in her entire life, if that's what she actually thinks! Like, it was just complete nonsense, really. How can you even begin to think that...?

And then, she insisted that I use this blindingly white dye, and only it, but I refused, so, I only used it as an accompanying color, because like, I just know that if that dress blinded someone, and it would've, then she would've blamed me for it. I simply don't understand how anyone could go running about in such a blindingly white dress...? It's like a miniature sun, or something. Horrible! Thankfully, she accepted my grand design in the end, so, it just had a little of that blinding white.

Also, she called waitresses "wenches", and obviously has no respect for service laborers, so, I'm going to tell every single one of my waiter and waitress friends that she's like that! I hope she enjoys spit in her soup! Anyhow, I did at least make a Lot of Money from this order... I'm going to give all of it to charity! That way, someone's utterly terrible taste is transformed into something good... or something. I'm so tired after that mess...

I hope Vellum at least appreciated the ribbon I sold her, at like, a massive discount. It was meant for me, but my contours simply accentuated it too much, so, it was no fit for my uniform. Makes for a pleasant wrap for a gift, though!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 6th, IY 7789

Ours is a studious family! I'm learning how to play guitar... the one that Alejandro gave to me... Inky's studying succulents, because I have a lot of books about them, due to aloe being such a wondrous plant! Tonka's becoming an accomplished dancer, due to her constantly mimicking me and my smooth moves! And Magnifica...? Well, apparently she's learning the mathematicks, because she will only accept a certain amount of chicky feed! Now, I'm not even going to bother figuring out that amount myself... so, I'm lucky enough to have a choosy chicken who also happens to be magickal. The magick means that she's smarter! ...than a chicken, not me, I'm just like, differently intellectual.

Anyhow, I'm not going to be one of those weirdos that carry their guitar all over the place... Like, I don't mean the bards, or the street musicians, I mean the real weirdos, who aren't doing it for the art, or even money, but rather just for the attention... and then they sing some song about a bunch of obvious shite, but present it as something deep that only they've got figured out... If another guy like that tries to "impress" me with their bullshit, I'm going to slam their twanger right through their noggin! Now, that's some real music!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 7th, IY 7789

I finally found a proper charity for that money I got from Nerdywell... well, from Vellum, I guess. Yet it's Nerdywell's terrible taste that paid for this! Anyhow, the charity? It's for fixing up the crypt that creepy necromancer broke into! The dead should be allowed to rest in peace... they've led a hard life! Probably. Anyhow, the charity was tied to an event, and the event was musical! That's my favorite kind of charity! So, I had absolutely no regrets whatsoever, after hearing Maewyn's melodic music. She's grand!

Of course, to Rynn, she's even grander, but I'm not an expert on all that, so, it kind of just seems like Rynn falls for absolutely any lady? Like, if you could appropriately call a woman a lady, they're probably her type? I don't know, I obviously don't go for the ladies. Nor do I go for the gents, because anyone whom you can call a "gent" is probably real boring, whereas a "guy" is someone whom you can trust to give you an eventful evening! They probably wear top hats, too, which, despite their name, are at the very bottom of the hat list!

What else...? Oh, they officiated... officialized... oh, whatever, they made that smithing guild a big deal, so, now, they're called "Forgemasters". That's a mighty big title, but it kind of paints a strong picture. Overly so, I'd say! Like, it makes me think of an absolutely massive forge, manned by a most strapping lad! Now that's a Forgemaster that you can trust... But there's no forges like that anywhere around here, or guys like that... Real disappointing. It's real picturesque! Which is why I'd paint it... call it "labor art". A truly wondrous prospect, because the best way to show that someone's like, a most diligent laborer? Just give them a lot of muscle! No need for subtlety here!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 8th, IY 7789

Rynn told me that she's a fairy! I'm not sure if I believe that... yet many of the signs are there! She's deathly allergic to certain metals... She's flighty and easily distracted... granted, that's mostly around the ladies, but it's still notable! Also, she has white hair, which is like, either a sign that you're a fairy, an elf, Selwyn, or a grandma. Or grandpa. And she's like, one of those first two. Elves can become grandpas and grandmas in a familial sense, but not in appearance or spirit, because elven aging is weird. So, she's either an elf or a fairy. Those are fifty-fifty chances! I know some math.

Anyhow, everyone was like, so disrespectful and distracted today, that I didn't even get to tell the tale of the time that I saved a cruise ship! It's a most exciting tale, too... Well, it's pretty short, I guess, since it's mostly about this one time when I was a stowaway, back in my wild days, because I wanted to see how the rich folk vacation. Anyhow, the ship came by this rock, and on the rock, sat this harlot of a siren! She was screeching like crazy, and apparently that's appealing to some folk...? So, some of the crew were enchanted by her shrieking, but I was completely fine, so, I grabbed a nearby bucket, and threw it at her! I think it was the seagull doo-doo bucket. Anyhow, she fell right into the waters... I think I put her into a coma! And that's the tale of how I saved a cruise ship.

I did tell Peyton this story, earlier... He's a good listener! I didn't get down to the bucket details, though. It's just not polite to talk about. Anyhow, Inky insists that they knew Peyton's great-great-great-times-a-thousand-aunt. I'm not sure if I believe that, though, since I think I kind of created Inky...? Okay, so, I probably didn't create them, I just woke them up, or something... Anyhow, like, being a partial liquid, Inky functions in mysterious ways, so, maybe like, ages ago, a tiny drop of pigment that now coelesces within Inky's form, truly did meet this aunt...? But back then, they were like, part of some tapestry that the aunt was looking at? Like, one of those tapestries with the mallards. Those are so cute! I wouldn't hang it up on my own wall, but it's just one of those cute sort of decors that adds a little bit of soul to some horrid dive... like the Krak!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 9th, IY 7789

Bit of a tussle between the Legates, today... Well, okay, it didn't actually get physical. Just a real awkward argument about past agreements... I don't really get those? Not past agreements, arguments about them! Comes as a surprise to some Legates that there's a degree of persistence to such things... If we threw everything in the bin whenever a new Legate gets elected, we'd get nothing at all done! In fact, that'd probably be the craziest city to ever exist... Would make for a great satirical play, I suppose. I don't watch those, there's always a thick layer of smugness around them... Like, they give everyone these names, where it's obvious whom they're parodying, yet that's supposed to be genius! When I do that in my novelettes, it's just because giving someone a stupid name is absolutely hilarious! Dare to be stupid!

Anyhow, the situation calmed down eventually, thankfully... Leads to a lot of folk asking me about ancient paperwork, though. I hate that, because they always assume that I carry absolutely everything on me at all times, or that I've transcribed everything that's ever happened. I can't be everywhere at once! Even the one place I tend to be in is like, usually pretty interesting, so, nothing to do with whatever paperwork you want, unless it's about the actually interesting things that I do, which I do not approve the recording of. Why's everyone so obsessed with audits, too...? It's just a bunch of meaningless numbers that you don't understand, anyhow! Care about something meaningful!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 10th, IY 7789

What a peculiar bit of entertainment the tournament was! I do not really approve of such bloodshed, but, sometimes there's not really much to do around here, so, I went anyhow... I'd have preferred wrestling, because at least that's manly. I do not usually approve of "manly" poppycock, but wrestling is a grand pastime! Anyhow, nobody wrestled, so, it was kind of a disappointment, and also, they beat up Mama Sandy, which was awful, even though sand sharks are a giant nuisance, it's just kind of weird to do that to a caged animal...

Anyhow, things got real weird, eventually, it started raining, and thunder kissed the stonework, and soon, both of those were purple! Purple rain, purple rain, it soaked the entire arena, and I'm not entirely sure how that all happened, I think it might've been our guests from Il Modo or wherever weirdos come from, well, I guess it's not a general , but rather these particular weirdos came from somewhere... There was a guy obsessed with eels... no, not Domhnall... and a guy who kept spinning a giant shield around like a dreidl! Vellum doesn't know what a dreidl is. I think she had an absolutely dull childhood. Mine was awful, but at least I had a dreidl, that was made from clay.

Granted, it wasn't the same one all the time, because the other kids kept nicking it, and I nicked theirs, too, so... that's how dreidl exchange works on the streets!

Oh, some folk died, too, because some of the duels were to the death... I certainly do not approve of such! They really should've just wrestled. That'd have been completely fine, and then like, you'd have had pretty good stories, too...? Like, wrestling needs a story, everyone knows that, and I think a giant spinning shield is a great gimmick to frame one around! Though honestly, I'd have preferred a giant dreidl. I miss dreidls. I don't miss that stinking alley, though... or those other kids... or anything else at all, really, but I really liked the dreidls.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 11th, IY 7789

What a peculiar dream I had! Granted, it was mauve, like usual, but for some reason, the Astronomers were there, and I don't usually dream of them... I do dream of Lucian a lot, but it's like, me solving the grand mystery surrounding him, yet never quite managing, because whenever I have the solution in my hands, the dream ends! Anyhow, I was flying and floating like usual, but Mro Po was screaming, for some reason... Usually, he just gives me food. Like, both in real life, and in my dreams! I didn't really like that part... the screaming, that is. It was highly uncomfortable. I did get in some dreamtime yoga, though. I think when folk say stuff like, "jog my memory", that's like, a literal version of that, doing exercise in your dreams. It's real good for the mind, I find!

Anyhow, the dream got even weirder, because we were like, pushed into the insides of a whale. Well, I thought it was a whale, at first, but Zol Nur, who was in my dream as just himself, instead of a giant moon, like the usual, insisted that it was some other sort of giant being, instead. In fact, I think it was Erugi. Anyhow, we eventually got out of there, but not before Shum was an absolute dingus and nearly got himself... well, not killed, but it was really dangerous and unresponsible of him. He should be giving the Nadiri good examples, instead of absolute shite ones!

Then the dream ended, and we found ourselves in jail! It wasn't dream jail, like, it was actual jail, oh yeah, I think we we're in Lujayn's office, first, then we were in jail, and I think Zol Nur tried eating the bench shroom because he like, got right back in the cell even after we we're let out. Something like that, anyhow. Oh yeah, and then the giant orb from the dream, like, I forgot to tell about them, but there was this giant orb of light in the dream, well, it was small at first, anyhow, this orb, it got out of the dream, somehow? I call them Borb. They got a little too friendly with the Stele! Like, they fused, and everything... Played a mean ol' prank on Zol Nur! That's not nice! Certainly not something I'd be doing if I was just born... well, I'm not sure if they were born, I don't know how these tulip spirits work, and I don't remember anything about what Azimi told me about them, so, I don't really even care? Why are they named after tulips, anyhow?

What a peculiar dream!

ABSOLUTE NONSENSE!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 12th, IY 7789

Lately, there's great interest in the ruins down below... It's like, so imprudent, or something. Sure, it's kind of exciting, but so is finding a new teahouse! Far less dangerous, too... Yet nobody around here settles for the mundane! They want danger, and excitement, and it doesn't really matter if the former affects others, as well. How selfish! Like, sure, solve a mystery or two, but at least like, be prepared to take responsibility for whatever backlash is hiding behind the solution...?

I don't know, I'm just kind of tired of folk going down there, and then the very ground churns, and there's a heap of trouple, and then they act all offended when folk get mad at them. It's your fault! What did you expect...? Anyhow, at least Jamileh's troupe understands that on some level... Never writes reports, though. Jamileh, I mean. Her disciples... and yes, she has disciples... do that! Well, occasionally. Most of them never reach me... then folk are like, "oh, you did hear about this or that, right" and I have to nod along, even though I only know that there was a quake.

Even reading the scarce reports that do make their way to me is too much! How can anyone lead such a life? I'll stick to exploring the Souk!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 13th, IY 7789

I really don't understand where some of my colleagues get their ideas from... Some of them are simply terrible! Like garrisoning troops in Tlonsiyya? I nearly spat out my coffee while reading that one! It's like they're yearning for yet another war, or something... Why not just focus on trade? That works. Like, even the worst of enemies are forced to trade around here, so... just stick to that, instead of handing a gaseous bell to Qa'im!

CASUS BELLI!

I don't care how it's spelled! It's yet more of that fancy talk for dumb snobs! Don't even know why I wrote that instead of something plain... Work must be getting to me. Besides, "gaseous bell" is better, because like, that's offensive, so, metaphorically, it makes sense for someone to get offended at it? Whatever. I still think I did an absolutely terrible job at diplomacy, but if this the sort of approach others take, maybe I was just the least terrible...? Who knows! What I do know is that I never want to engage in that, ever again!

Those Tlonsiyyan inventions are really neat, too... So, why not focus on getting more of them? Like, I want some of their windmills. A windmill on every roof! Now that's real rustic and quaint! Though they're kind of noisy, I suppose... I guess some of our inventors could try making them quieter? Then again, maybe that'd be too dangerous. The herons would keep flying right into them! Some folk around here would jump into them, probably. Just to try how it feels. Weirdos!