"Faith is my Shield"

[Faith Is My Shield]

Two Leagues of Purple meetings.

The first filled me with an anxiety that simmered throughout the day. I felt my face wince every time someone suggested I may be a good candidate for the next election. I last wrote how I wanted to do more but becoming Legate was far to great a leap far too soon.

Perhaps Apothar Nur is right. That the best Legates are those who do not wish to become such. Those driven by duty alone bereft of ambition. If through some twisted series of events saw me sitting in one of those seats? Yes, I would serve. It is the process of achieving that seat which gives me hesitation.

Legate al-Farisyya mentioned an opportunity may present itself soon and I was far more interested in that which I knew next to nothing about then the prospects of being Legate. I pray details of this are revealed to me soon. Perhaps if I held a responsibility of respect and substance, supported by the Pyramid and the people, others will stop imagining me in a Legate's seat.

The second meeting revealed Garen's consideration to run at the League of Purple's candidate. I am unsure if anyone else noticed but I let out a quiet sigh of relief. Or was it a breath of surprise?

Much as I was surprised to hear of Garen's being elevated to the position of Magistrate, the thought of him being Legate caught me by surprise. But, again, it is not something I would object to. The quiet competence that serves well a Magistrate also serves well a Legate.

His name being bandied around also means less attention upon me. More time for me to work quietly. To focus on where my skills shine. To prepare and look forward to the next crusade.

[Faith Is My Shield]

To see the Sultan with my own eyes. Such an honour and gift I never expected I would be able to experience in the entirety of my life. To hear him speak. To be present for his grand declaration. To imagine his great vision in my mind. A paradise awaits us all, we just need to find the White Spear, the tip of which shall lead us into such a holy future.

The days since have had an odd sense of idleness. Everything seemed small in comparison to what occurred at the Kardesler. I filled the days with boardwork: I hunted slaving pirates; I slew gremlin brookers and djinn. I met new people recently arrived to the Well. I held long and quiet discussions of varying topics with people of importance for one reason or another.

All of it felt like waiting. As if I was filling in the days in anticipation of greater things.

Then: a reminder that greater things must be reached for. A long discussion was held with Legate al-Farisyya in her office. It was a discussion I was looking forward to with anticipation. It proved to be her reinforcing the same lesson I have slowly been learning on my own. A lesson about ambition; hesitancy--what it puts at risk; being mindful of when to wait and when not to.

And, perhaps, to emphasize--or practice--the point: she offered me the position of Magistrate. I said yes. Instantly. No hesitation this time. Or if there was, it was near imperceptible. Hesitation was an obstacle and a setback before, it would not be so again a second time.

Skillfully and tactfully, al-Farisyya accelerated my education. Every great thing that can be brought into fruition can be furthered along by every hand willing to carry the weight. There are times when waiting is necessary. I must not mistake the times when such is not the case.

After words were shared with Garen, I am still filled with anxiety. But an anxiety of a different kind. Before I was worried whether or not to act. Now I dread I shall not succeed.

[Faith Is My Shield]

Temptation. It is everywhere yet so subtle I imagine most times it goes unseen and unacknowledged.

I have had some discussions now and yet every time I depart them I never have the sense to determine whether they are a success or failure. My mind simply has not the capacity to determine such.

Yet, what bogs my mind are flashes of thoughts. Little what-ifs. What if I use a certain word? What if I say something vague instead of specific? What if I say nothing at all, feigning thoughtlessness?

One after another, little question after little question. Towards a larger, greater result.

Will that convince them to support me? Will that trick them into thinking I agree with them?

I think back to the favour Legate Lhyrian says she owes me and I find this is similar to that. A small decision, a small indiscretion, and perhaps the result I desire becomes that much more plausible. Though it is through means duplicitous and deceptive.

What is the cost? What damage could the little omissions and the little white lies inflict?

The answer to that question is something I can refer back to Legate Lhyrian, too. Reputation. Slow to build; quick to tear down.

And there, too, is the advice of Legate al-Farisyya: beliefs and values. Whether one is trustworthy is contingent just as much on the beliefs and values one exemplifies.

It can be difficult to keep track of the discussions at times. But there is one thing I recall saying very clearly, for there were no truer words:

I have not come to beg nor bargain.

[Faith Is My Shield]

I do not notice them instantly but I do eventually.

The changes. In myself. In how I view people. In my relation to them. I do not like it--some of it, but I recognize that I am gaining in experience. Experience which may or may not serve in the future.

At the beginning, I did not know what to do. I received advice from Garen and Legate al-Farisyya but the most comfortable method I settled into has been simple: ask and then listen.

Patience is a virtue. Given enough time, I eventually hear something of use, I hear what I want to hear, I hear what others want to speak of, what is important to them.

But, too, have I learned that patience can be exploited. It is later on when speaking with those more contentious have I learned to simply say: enough of this, let us move on.

And so, too, is my patience more easily frayed. It was a mild thing as arguments go but I do not believe I have never had a more contentious argument with Legate Lhyrian. It was respectful. We were out in the open, before the Pyramid. We both maintained our composure and dignity.

But I felt an anger welling within me. Small bubbles as something simmered. And now, afterwards? After I had more time to think? More drinks of cunning, more quaffs of wisdom. I think and I think and I think about what was discussed--the quarry, transparency, negotiations, cooperation--and the fire beneath the pot ignites even further.

For the sake of my relationship with Legate Lhyrian, I do not want the pot to spill over. But I cannot deny that, as I look upon the actions before me, the pot is poisoned. Whether she realizes it or not, she has been stirring spoiled meat into the stew. The pot needs to be upended. And emptied.

Purged.

I do not like the changes but some of them reflect my greater understanding of others. I do not like the changes but some of them are necessary. Shall prove necessary.

[Faith Is My Shield]

"I hate what this election is doing to Legate Lhyrian and I."

A blurted, desperate whisper. They felt like words that would not be answered even in as place as sacred as the font of the Mother's water. It was a plea. Me begging for guidance. Sense. Comfort.

Waterbearer Evarielle tried her best but her words felt hollow. No. Not hollow, but powerless. Whatever hope I received from her words were obliterated by the Assembly.

I whispered those words out of guilt. For what I had grown to feel and think as I experienced. I can do nothing now. The disgust I feel has been cemented and engrained by her words and actions. I have now idea how it is possible for this to be undone.

"I hope to learn that, indeed, the personal effects of all this does not linger."

Words to an Apothar. A stranger of which the only interaction I had with was a contentious argument.

I do not even know why I responded to her. Perhaps I am just that desperate for someone to tell me my new view of things are wrong, will unravel, and be replaced with what I used to remember to be true.

[Faith Is My Shield]

The voting period began. I made one final speech. The rest would be shorter things. Much shorter. I am not sure if this is me giving up, realizing that I have done as much as I could, or accepting that a person is not always in complete control of their fate.

Garen spoke comforting words. He is right. I have done and accomplished much. I have worked hard and made great effort. Even if I do not win in the end, I have done admiral work and people like him will recognize that.

Still. I am a nervous wreck. My throat feels unnaturally parched. There is a hollow sensation in my chest. As I told Sister Selsi, this entire ordeal has been one stretch of anticipation. She shared words of sympathy which helped in the moment. She also did not put much effort in keeping the exit poll forms hidden. As soon as I realized what they were, I looked away. I dare not let incomplete numbers give me false hope.

But, still, despite the storm my mind is trapped in my spirit is buoyed. If I lose this election, I know it would not be with a terribly embarrassingly small amount of votes. But every time someone said they voted for me--directly or subtly, I feel my heart swell for a moment.

The quiet whispers of confidence to me. The words spoken over the bellows, extolling my name. It is nothing like I have ever experienced before. On the field, in a battle--there is always the underlying understanding that the rank place their faith in their commander with the hope that they come out alive and breathing.

But this? Where the consequences may be long lasting, slow to appear, and may stretch on far into the future for generations to come to contend with? There is no immediate fear of death or loss or destruction. There is merely the weight of future decisions to come, placed atop one another, compounding.

I have yet to learn if I have earned these people's trust and confidence. But they have already given such to me.