a journal

[Vlaid]

So Skink showed me that she got a book where she writes stuff in it, seemed like a good idea. So maybe I'll write some stuff and somebody might remember something about mewhen I meet a bad end.

I'm not a good guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not even a lucky guy.

But I noticed how much fear and mystical respect people give these Sisters. Almost like they are some kinda gods.

Went on this job for a Janissary a few nights back. This feels like as good a thing to start off this journal on. It was a real murder hole. Getting fried and electrified the whole way, trying to keep everyone together and whole. I didn't do so hot on the part with Skink, but at least she's alive.

Anyway, so there was this real tight turn we came down in the tunnel. We got ambushed, they had us pinned and split in two groups getting torn apart. Sister Selsi's got her hands full with goblins all around her, hammering her into the ground. I look over, see the blood, see the pretty black cloth streaked crimson. She's reaching up at me.... and I hear just one pained word "Help!".

When reality crashes around you, the masks fall off. Doesn't matter who you are, it's moments like these where you really learn who you are, who the people around you are. You learn what they'll do, you'll learn what they won't to survive. Maybe I didn't learn who she is, but I learned what she ain't.

She ain't no god.

Just another scared woman trying to survive. Maybe I can respect that more.

-BB

P.S. I still miss you kid.

[Vlaid]

Kicked from the Creep.

Bought a voice, got tired of putting myself on someone else's timeline and motivation. Worth it? Doubt it, but I got bored of the game of seeing if I was worth someone else buying my voice. Even the best games get dull if you play them too long.

Things are flipped upside down from what I knew a few days ago, but that's how it goes. Stay limber and loose, that's what the Champ would say.

We were out on a contract and Evarielle was probing about me buying my voice, she made some smartass comment to Skink along the lines of 'You don't want to be left behind do you?'. Trying to play on her insecurities to get her to take whatever deal they are offering her.

She's lucky I was in a good mood. I was half a step from beating her pretty face into the dirt, consequences be damned just to make a point.

Moment's passed, but I won't forget.

-BB

P.S. Still in my thoughts kid, every night.

[Vlaid]

Every day I'm not sure if things are quiet as a graveyard or if there's constant cacked groundshaking things afoot.

I'm not involved in whats and hows of it to really be able to piece it together. But something's going on and I want to stop.

Getting banned from the Creep sure has made my days a bit duller. Can't even have a proper tavern fight up here. Maybe some changes on the horizon coming.

Maybe I'll get a job with the Union and get in on that Quarry.
Maybe trashgulls will swoop in from the sky and deliver me to riches.

That rat bastard Mr. Meats made a move again. He won't be getting my Buster Brew recipe OR the locate of my Meat Closet. Over my two fists!

I tried to pull a thing related to Skink, I don't think the contact is willing to play ball. Some stuck up squares if you ask me, it's a GOOD plan...

I don't know why but I told Haknar my price if he REALLY wanted me to join the Fourth since he keeps tossing out numbers to get me to do it. Ten thousand. He didn't bug out, he didn't balk....he just said it'd take some time to get the dinar together. What the hell? Is he really going to pay it? I was joking but...if he really pays it....shit I'd feel obligated to do it.

Carlos is trying to invent a new worm machine for me. I keep giving him old samples of the signature blend of eleven worms and powders. Maybe I should offer a bounty on anyone that comes up with the best design...I could put Carlos and Kaelan in a contest for it.

I see how it starts now. I got a voice so I'm starting to feel like I should use it, starting to feel like I should join a league. I don't know who designed this system but it's more insidious than any Scorch dealer. I can see the claws trying to dig into me. I thought Themis was done for good, I wonder what brought him back from the brink to make some organization? Who knows. I don't know much about him, I wonder if he's worth supporting? I might have to join the White league if I want in on the Union. Working man's league I guess. Who knows? All the people really helping me, at all, seem to be out of the Gold League. They sure know how to hustle. I gotta respect that.


-BB

P.S. Found a noble ring from the old world kid. I couldn't figure out what house it belonged to, but I could tell it was from one of them. I'd have given it to you if you were around. I tucked it in a pocket for you, I'll give it to you when I see you...when I get there.

[Vlaid]

Why did I tell Peyton why I'm going to run? Embarrassing as all cack. Well hopefully they forget and don't tell Skink...or anyone else.

-BB

P.S. Someone was asking me to get back into the ring today. I won't do it, I won't let you down....I promised. What good is a father that can't keep a promise?

[Vlaid]

I feel like the stones are all but cast in this election. I made some bad plays along the way, but I never started any game with a strong hand now did I? I still feel like there's a good shot at winning. Probably gonna lose but at least I gave it my all eh? This time next week I'll be Legate for sure.

Everyone around me seemed to want me to be something else, say something else, become something else for their support. At a certain point I just decided enough was enough and let Buster be Buster. Maybe I'm not braying for blood enough for some. Maybe I'm not stately enough for some. But I won't run this campaign as anybody but who I am.

...

How could I be so stupid not to see it? It was right in front of my face. I wish I was just a little dumber to not have noticed.

-BB

P.S. I helped this kid move his grandma's stuff out of her place you woulda been proud. She was one of the poor innocents that died in the torment attack. Everyone thinks I'm just working angles. I wish more people could see me like you used to.

[Vlaid]

I said to Skink "I don't know what people see in me, I'm nothing special" and her answer stuck with me "Honesty". Is that really all it takes, is someone who isn't a two-faced worm?

I think I'm due a little honest to the one person I've done everything to avoid, ain't that right Buster?



...


That election was more than just another fight, wasn't it chum? You know it, I know it, but they don't. It left a wound on you that isn't healing, you can't ignore it forever now. "He claims he's a family man. But where's his family? Some protector if he can't even protect  his family".

Yeah. I can't stop seeing those words, just a bit of political skullduggery, but it found my weak point and jammed that knife in hard. I can't let them, not even Skink see it though. Haven't slept a good night since. The nightmares are back again, thought I put them behind me....but this time is different.

...

The first one I see the kid and the wife, black figures of Nothing standing. They keep getting closer and closer to me, it's not comforting, there's malice and hate in their eyes. They move at me without moving until they're right up on me. The kid speaks "Why didn't you save us daddy? Why daddy? You were supposed to come back for us. Why did you let the bad men take us?" ....I can't speak, I can't move. They stare at me and then they melt... they melt like too much black ichor and the dream is torn away. Why can't I forget? The King made me forget every other cacking detail, names, faces, memories....WHY not this one? Why do I have to remember? Please....let me forget.

...

It comes again, this time different. I'm running through the Rings, chasing the caravans, I'm too slow. I keep looking back over my shoulder, panicking. There they are, the walls of blackness are closing in, closer, closer to them....I stop looking back. I stop....I stop....I keep running.

...

I don't know the truth anymore. Is this a punishment for my failure? Did the King do this to me? Or am I just tormenting myself, like one of those shades dwelling beneath our feet, too afraid of something good I don't deserve?. Maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe I should let all the schemes and daggers aimed at my back find me.

What kind of father was I really? What kind of husband?

...

I hope I never find out. I hope Skink never finds out.

Just let me forget...there's nothing good at the bottom of this bottle of truth.

-BB

[Vlaid]

Don't think I've ever felt as useless as I did today.

Felt good seeing Skink come into her own with the mission at least. Always knew she had it in her. She knows her stuff.

Qa'im conspiracy don't even make sense to me. I've got a gut feeling more is going on than people want to look at.

Voting machine got busted, I've got my doubts about how and why that happened too. But what can we do about it?

No rest for the weary.

-BB

[Vlaid]

Who IS Ilmaz and how does she know so much private stuff? Stuff that's only ever said inside your head? Is she a Seer? A prophet? Some kinda expert spy?

A little creeped out, a little impressed, a little comforting.

I'm gonna have to keep my eyes on her. She's a lot more than she appears.

She's giving me that weird Sister feeling....where I'm hanging on her every word and want to run from her every word before I hear it.

-BB

P.S. I hope I made you proud kid. I did what I shoulda done a long time ago. We'll see what happens.