The Varied Writings of Abbas Alamouti

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Dear Ma and Pa,

I'm glad to hear that you are doing well. Pity about uncle Kaveh, though. How many times has he gotten stuck inside that hall clock, already? I know you've told him time and time again to see a priest about his sleepwalking, but don't give up! Tell him that he's going to lose the house if he keeps waking up the neighbors with his screaming.

They sent me off to some place called Ephia's Well to take a look at their pipes, which I almost couldn't find. In the end, I did discover the sewer, but it was an absolute mess. Just a rusty wreck, filled to the brim with worms. Infested! I don't know how they let it get in such bad shape. Still, the air around here is much nicer, even if the town looks like a hurricane ran through it. Maybe that's why it's so crisp.

Since handling those gutters was simply too big of a undertaking, and I wasn't certain if they're even paying me, I had to look for other endeavors, and managed to find a few.

Some janissary gave me coin to fetch him falafels. I figured I might as well do that, since he was just completely bored out of his mind. Supposedly, he was guarding his boss, who was stuck inside a bottle. I thought that was an euphemism for him being a horrid drunk, but apparently, he was actually stuck inside a bottle! I think a crone cursed him. They got him out, eventually.

Then, this ancient wizard brought me to his ancient mansion, which could only be reached through a magic portal. It was a marvellous place. He paid me five hundred dinars to fix his pipes. Considering how little labor was involved, he really overpaid! Place really was ancient, but it seems like magical mansions have some warding on the pipes to protect them from the absolute worst? Smart move. Not great for my business, but still... smart.

After that, I met the mayor of the town. She and some architects were meeting with a Gohari director! They offered me a job. Well, a chance at a job, anyway. It's not really anything final, at the moment. And you know what? The architects were a nun and a wizard! Imagine that!

I think I kept talking too much about pipes. It's just that I'd rather advertise something that I know I can handle. I'm still pretty insecure about my own inventions. Still haven't managed to come up with something truly awesome! I know that you always tell me to be more confident, but outside home, folk can get absolutely furious if you don't get things right on the very first try.

With lots of love,

Abbas

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Dear Mro Po,

Your falafels are the best. I eat them every day. Then again I've only been here for two days... yet I've had them on both, so it's the truth. I would have them for breakfast, but that's āsh o'clock for me. I wish you served āsh. I like mine with extra kashk. Please consider adding it to your menu, thank you.

Your biggest fan,

Abbas

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Illul 14th, IY 7789

This lady by the name of Apple Jam lent me a bundle of gear. She's really nice! Apparently, she's both the state diplomat and archaeologist. That's wild! I guess she's able to regale dignitaries with tales from the past. I think she's the one we sold those turbines to. I say "we" but I don't know if three years is enough to count as Tlonsiyyan. I don't think so! But yeah, she's pretty great. Even Raonn and Me'raz don't seem to mind her much. Then again some utter bastard tried to kill them when they first visited, so in comparison probably just about anyone else seems simply dandy.

Then, a mountainous Stonefolk, by the name of Zol Nur, bought me dinner at Mro Po's. It was full-course! It was awesome! Apparently, he's spent most of his life on his lonesome, so now, he wants as many friends as he can get. And you know what? I'll absolutely be his friend after such a succulent meal! Anyone who buys me food, especially in such vast quantities, is all right in my book. This scribe by the name of Eizo got dinner too. I don't think he's from around here, because he kept trying to eat falafel with a stick. It was wild!

"By the name of"? There's too much repetition! I need to make this all sound more intriguing, in case someone reads my diary. It has to sound awesome... then I'll be awesome too!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Steam-powered Coffee Steamer

Steam can be used to heat stuff... and power stuff! Brewing coffee produces steam, and the heat from it can be converted into mechanical energy, and it can also brew the coffee! A loop!

So, if the conversion rate of energy can be made 1:1, then we're talking about perpetual coffee. As long as you have enough beans and water. And you produce more steam than you use up. And you can somehow stop both the conservation and entropy principles.

This idea sucks donkey eggs!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Illul 15th, IY 7789

Business is slow, but at least there's some of it. This scribe keeps paying me to dig through camel poop. Most of my kinsfolk would rather piss glass than do that sort of stuff... yet I was paid for it, and I don't want to bother mum and pa for allowance too much. And by way of Izdu's blessings, I found an awesome stone of power. Dunno why the camel ate that. This town is strange. I'm going to show my stone to Apple Jam and ask her if she thinks that it's awesome. I hope so. She's awesome and I want to impress her.

I miss my wrench. I wish I hadn't lost it. There was an okay hammer for sale, but it just isn't the same. One day, I'm going to smith a wrench, all by myself. I'll make it out of orichalcum, or maybe mithril, or some other awesome ore. If those aren't good for wrenches, it'll just be my vanity wrench, and I'll invent some awesome alloy, instead. Then I'll sell the secret of my awesome alloy to the highest bidders, and I'll use all of the money for charitable deeds. Okay, most of it, I still need to eat.

Speaking of eating, I tried eel eggs today. I think eel is whitefish, and it's eggs anyway, so it's okay. I've had them before, but that was ages ago. I think they're nice, but too salty. Too much salt makes me feel woozy, and then I have to drink a lot, and then I'm too full of water to work. So I prefer a balance to my salts. Most of my experiments with the elements produce salts, too, but not the kind you can eat. I kind of wish I'd get a giant explosion instead, because that'd be really neat and impressive, but I also lost my fireproof apron and my mask and a bunch of other things. I should keep a list of my stuff and where it is!

Most importantly... by the Wheel, I cannot believe it! I met the famous Shum Sheroy! He's awesome! Though he told me that he's retired from dancing... He's an astronomer now! That's a wild career change! What's even wilder, is that I get to do his plumbing! Well, he lives where he works, so it's plumbing for all his colleagues, too. Still, really exciting! I think he's the biggest celebrity I've ever met... in Ephia's Well!

I also tried politics but I don't think I get them.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Steam-pow

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

Chute-Based Mail System

Chutes are the cousin of pipes! Like pipes, they're really sturdy. A common threat to couriers is that those ignorant of Izdu's teachings are likely to stab them and steal their deliveries. You can't stab a chute. Okay so yes you can do that but it's real loud and won't actually pierce the metal. So if someone did that, a guard would hear it and arrest the chute stabber! So, you just install a system of chutes in every building, that go from top to bottom, and into different rooms, and your internal postage needs are all solved!

At the top and bottom, you'd have metal boxes that need keys to open, so nobody unauthorized can tamper with the mail! I guess you could also have thick glass in the middle so you can see what's in there so you don't receive pranks like a toad or something. For fragile deliveries, install a cushion at the bottom! To ensure employment for former couriers, you should grant them a mentoring program in the mail chute's use.

This idea is absolutely awesome!

Wait, what about tubes? That'd be even more awesome!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Illul 16th, IY 7789

Would boys like me if I get an awesome bottle label from Babu the Bottler? Most boys don't like me. They say I smell bad and that they don't want to taste oil while kissing. I bathe every day, but then I get dirty right after because there's so much work to do. Maybe if my bottle had "Baz'eeli Top Shagger" written on it, that'd catch their eye. Okay so maybe that's a bad idea. I think boys are more impressed with stuff if you made it yourself. I made my first boyfriend a clock and they really liked it but then they met someone far richer and they could just buy all the clocks in the world with their pa's money and lie about making them themselves.

Mum says that the way to a man's heart is through their stomach, but I never learned to cook. I got banned from using our kitchen. Yeah, the salts smelled bad but I was just trying to make the Philosopher's Stone. I'm pretty sure ammonia's the key. It just smells so shitty that everyone refuses to work with it. Sounds sensible enough to me.

This town doesn't get any less weirder, but plenty of people are real helpful. Eva gave me a chisel. Actually, it's a combination chisel and saw. It's really useful! I think she's a mystic. She said she voluntarily shaves her head. I think only mystics do that, though occasionally back home we had this fad of shaving your head and it looked really weird because most people's heads aren't shaped right for that so I just outright refused to do that and everyone thought I was weird and they made fun of me for having hair. I thought it was fucking stupid.

I wish I'd find more work. All these caravaneers just stare at a board, and then they find some king's crown in a gnoll village and get paid a ten thousand finder's fee for it. It's not fair. I don't know how to find crowns, and gnolls are really scary.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Charity for the Week of Illul 14th, IY 7789

Hasheema's Hope: 2000 dinars

The Big Bash Charity for Kids Who Can't Math Good: 2000 dinars

Plumbing Initiative for Promising Engineers: 2000 dinars

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Mr. Silhar al-Zarib, Most Dutiful Caravan Attendant,

I dig through camel poop every day. The pay from it only affords me two sendings in the Office of Announcements. Can I have a discount on sendings if I shovel camel poop for a whole month? Thank you. You do great work. I can tell that the camels love you and your brother.

Your hardest working shoveller,

Abbas

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Illul 17th, IY 7789

I'm having a hard time finding work that actually pays well, so I was eyeing the Sandstone College that they have here. The tuition costs more than what I make from shovelling poop... but Jamileh was really awesome and paid for it! She's great. I hope that I can give her something in return, soon. I broke her sofa and I felt really bad about it but I've never built a sofa before. I was thinking of making a couch out of pipes but that's too hard to lay on, even though she sleeps everywhere. Maybe I can build a shelf that auto-organizes all of her archaeological finds. Something like that sounds useful.

Zol Nur paid for my license, too. There's a lot of charitable people around here. Maybe it's not as bad as people say. Or maybe I just lucked out and met the nicest people. I don't know. Anyway it turns out that the merchant work is not for me. You sit around a lot and people come by and look at your stall and don't buy anything. I mostly had water and apparently there's so much of it around here that people don't buy it. They just find it in a cave somewhere and drink it all up. Maybe once I get my tinkering license, I can sell my inventions instead.

Gramps is great. He showed a bunch of people his awesome mansion. The "DCS" thinks that he's committing tax fraud though, but I'm not sure if that applies to magical mansions between the boundaries of existence. I don't think so, anyway. He also revealed the big secret of Ptheshka and everyone was really impressed by his ancient knowledge. I probably wrote that wrong but I'm not good with ancient names. One day I'll know all the ancient names and then my dog can have a really neat name and people will ask what it means and I can tell them what it means and they'll be impressed.

I also learned more about politics. It's all about appearances, and looking good, and making sure that the Sultan doesn't cry. I don't want the Sultan to cry so I'm going to read more about politics. Though pa once told me that whenever the Sultan cries an oasis is formed, but in hindsight that's just a silly thing that you tell babies and I'm not a baby anymore.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Illul 18th, IY 7789

Apple Jam went down below into some ruins, and unsealed some ancient pipes that hadn't flowed for centuries! So much pressure had built up in them, that all the water rained down upon the Plaza. Okay so the holes in them didn't help any. I think they're full of holes, anyway. She wondered if it was maybe purposeful. I guess rain is a joyful thing in the middle of a desert, so maybe. I'd have to take a closer look at those pipes but there's kind of an entire town built on top of them, so finding the exact pipes wouldn't be the easiest task.

I asked the elven mayor if I could have ten thousand dinars to inspect the pipes, but she said that the human mayor would have to sign off on it, too. I sort of wish that it had been my big break. There's so many charitable causes I could've helped with that money. At least some folk were charitable and paid me to solve the pipe mystery. Okay so it wasn't solved but I apparently provided some important clues and I think that's enough from just one boy.

Oh, and the elven mayor, she's really weird. She sneaks and skulks wherever she goes and she doesn't like being the mayor. She prefers going to gnoll temples and engaging in sinful slaughter, instead. She said that if I listened to a meeting between her and Jamileh, they would blame me for Apple Jam's schemes, but I don't know what she's talking about, because Apple Jam doesn't have any schemes. Okay so she was going to steal a dog to save it from its horrible owners but I told her not to do that because it'd cause an international incident. I was just curious, and thought that maybe if they happened to have questions about plumbing, I'd be able to help. It's not fair that I'd get charged with high treason for that.

Whenever I visit Apple Jam from now on, I'm going to ask her if there's a mayor hiding in her room, because I don't want to get charged with high treason.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Illul 19th, IY 7789

They held a sensational tournament! This wizard called forth illusionary magics to make it look like Frostport. There was snow and ice and everything! It was so exciting, even though at its core, the event was utterly sinful and everyone should be ashamed! Maybe that's why the fight was so disappointing. It was over within minutes. I think they should've had a caribou race, instead. I hear that in Frostport they have caribou the size of elephants and they have races around the glaciers and it's so popular that even the yetis calm down for just one day. After that it's back to kidnapping innocent travelers, though.

People seemed so bored over the whole affair, that they wrestled afterwards. I can appreciate wrestling, because it's not actual violence and usually it involves oiled up superhunks and it's a show for one and all. However... some crazy warlock stole the wrestlers' souls! He just sucked them all up and ran away to the sewer or the desert I'm not really sure where he went but everyone was chasing him.

For some reason the wrestling made me real buff for about an hour and I looked so graceful and I was hoping that I'd stay that way but then it was over and I was really sad because I was hoping that that my rippling musculature would impress a dreamboat and then I could get married and live the good life. I think it's unfair but maybe if I do yoga in the middle of the day too instead of just mornings and evenings I'll be a stunner too.

Orin told me that it takes months to graduate from the Sandstone. I don't really want to study for that long, I already studied for years in Tlonsiyya and the Sandstone seems like utter shit in comparison. I don't want to be rude but it's the truth I mean everyone and I do mean everyone including even the professors think that.

If I write a thesis, I'll have to relax, and breathe slowly, and write like this, so people can actually understand what I'm trying to communicate. I prefer writing quickly though because it saves time and time is the most important resource of all because it affects everything else unless you're like in middle of an anti-temporal void or something I've heard that's a thing that exists but I'm not sure if I believe sounds like hot air to me.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

O, Magi, please forgive your humble servant for calling the Sandstone College "utter shit". All institutions of learning are worthy of respect, no matter their approach. I'm only a lad, my mind still dispossessed of the undeniable wisdom provided by your eternal guidance. I shall strive to make amends by correcting my many faults, and by meditating amidst frosty waters. May the lamp shed clearly.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Illul 20th, IY 7789

The mayors passed some stupid law that makes a bunch of people into kids including me which is absolutely ridiculous I'm old enough to drink and marry though I'll only do the former when I do the latter alcohol clouds the mind and is sinful. One of the janissaries beat up Niamh and they beat me up too it was horrible I've never had one of the janissaries act violently towards me it was so scary and I felt like crying and leaving. The deputy mayor is even more awful she didn't want to help her younger kin she just called them children and was really condescending. So some spring elves had to leave town because they can't work anymore and it's awful I wish I could've helped them more but I could only afford to give them enough money for the caravan.

I can't concentrate I helped this knight called Aurelio survey land for his keep and there was a bunch of people there too and we went into some melek hole I don't know why I don't think you should build keeps in melek holes it was so scary I was afraid for my life and everyone else too and I nearly died and I screamed and I cried but nobody noticed that I cried they did hear the screaming though and it was so embarrassing. I never want to go into a melek hole ever again they are truly cursed. We did make it out of there and we did eventually survey actually suitable land and it was really hard because I was still so shaken and I had never done that before I just inspect pipes and fix them. I did get paid so maybe I did a good job I don't know it just feels like I stated obvious things. I don't know if I want to go surveying with these people anymore my heart nearly exploded.

This is an absolute mess! I must meditate, and then meditate even more, until the cloud surrounding my mind is completely gone. I must focus on the good, like this necklace of Izdu that Jamileh gifted me. It's really awesome, unlike melek holes or stupid nonsensical laws.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Dear Ma and Pa,

I hope that you two are doing well. Something really bad happened here. I don't really understand what or why, but it has me worried. I don't want to worry the either of you, so if the situation grows worse, I'm either staying at auntie Soudeh's, or coming back to Baz'eel. I'll be really careful, so really, please do not worry.

I've met a lot of nice people. Jamileh is an archaeologist and a diplomat. She keeps helping me every day. She bought me an amulet of Izdu. She also paid for my tuition. Don't worry, it's not a loan and there's no interest. Oh, my tuition at the Sandstone College, here. It's not a very reputable school. Most of the professors don't seem to believe in the establishment, and the ones that do, seem addled. The reading material is really basic, too, but there's a few obscure tomes. I don't know if I'll be able to finish my degree before I have to leave, though. I hope that I can.

I also met Zol Nur, and his student, Eva. Zol Nur is an ancient Stonefolk, and he knows a lot of olden wisdom. He's very sad, though. I hope that he can find joy in his life. Eva's a really capable mage, and everyone here loves her. I hope that I can strive to be as accomplished as her one day. There's Niamh, who's Jamileh's roommate. She's a spring elf, and she has a bush blessed by Kula that has rare wildlife living in it. It's truly miraculous as it seems to have more space inside than how it appears from the outside. I also met the famous Shum Sheroy! He's not a dancer anymore.

I like most of the people I've met, but they have been given a truly troubled share in life. I think Ephia's Well might be just as cursed as uncle says. I pray that Izdu shall illuminate the darkness and lead them towards better days, yet my faith in such falters. Many here are driven by sinful tendencies and misunderstand so much.

Oh! Some children of the giants live here. I met one. He was as big as they are in uncle's stories. So maybe he truly met one, too. However, they're in danger. I pray for them every night. Sometimes I cry when praying because it makes me so sad. Nobody deserves such hardships. If I could help them, I would. Yet after today's events, it seems that having to leave, much like many refugees are doing, seems far more likely. I hope that my new friends understand if it comes to that. They can visit me in Tlonsiyya. I think I want to stay with auntie.

With lots of love,

Abbas