The Scrawled Drafts of Mari Blacke

[Mari]

[a sort of distracted jot aside]

Does one's heart only beat when you notice it?

I suppose it doesn't want to be ignored.

[Mari]

Obscurity

                   and

                            Discovery

             entwined...    l i k e l o v e r s.



Well that's quite a line worth stealing away with, isn't it?

[Mari]

[a few half started sentences and poems mark the page, then scratched out again and again and again and again]

Gold or Steel it doesn'     
                                                                                              between the ribs   
                            even a soft metal                                                                             not surpr   

faith entailed/to be failed     doggrel                                       well of course you aren't       
                                                          my breathing   
                blood pounding in my ears /                                 
                                                                        they'll never prot   

[It goes on for the page. There's really nothing to salvage of it]

[Mari]

"You're only human"

ivepouredmyheartoutforHerforHerforHerforHerforHerIhavetobemoreforHer

[beneath the crossed out line above, the entry continues in her normal, languid script]

My heart beats its dissatisfaction, its disquiet, its discontent its disappointment. Gold set a'tarnish.

I will have my satisfaction.

[Mari]

[another page with spatters of red but, this time at least, it seems merely stains of port or wine. Each line has a number of hash marks beside it, some manner of accounting or tally, alongside scrawled and half-crossed out lines.]

Betrayal of contract and murderous intent. what admixture of orders and ambition? The red gold broken.

"I just counseled her, it was her choice"
the truth in the absence to that- it is by my finesse i yet live, and Her grace

A guild, squeamish and spooked.

a curious sort of alchemy to turn gold into lead

Glaziers set to fire to prop up their little doll.

conspiring at a loss

Weeks and months of politic, shows of faith and restraint, for a lyricist to crawl from his cup to give marching order and bribing the polls open days early.

to sacrifice their bargaining position to the purple and get little and less for it

The desperation should be flattering, I suppose

[Mari]

[this entry seems to be caught somewhere between a sermon draft and a journal entry. The less ecclesiastical lines appear to have been scratched out somewhat]

My Lady resides in absence, in the empty places, my heart poured out long ago for Her.

And it beats, and it pounds and it will not be silent, it will not be stilled, it will not be ignored.

Mizzar barely calms it. A fire that wine struggles to quench. Only in the deepest ecstatic states, beyond exhaustion and reason- reprieve.

To know the true desires of the heart, one must listen, one must look within without scales and be prepared for what will be revealed of the self. To know the whole of yourself is a daunting prospect, but through this... liberation.

I have anointed the altar with consecrated libations, but delay after delay on the true re-dedication. The heart wants what it wants... and it needs something thicker.

To be freed and untethered. Beyond regret, beyond consequence, beyond reprisal, beyond shame.

It is not given to me to walk the path but, though I cast no light, to illumine it. Though I do not burn, I am a torch. Take me in hand for by Her grace I am a guide to those uncharted paths between the stars.

It is not given to me
It is not given to me
It is not given to me

[Mari]

I am given to a moment of clarity, beneath the stars. This season has been most unkind to my humors and, denied its desires, my heart fills within unwelcome emotions. I must pour it out, and re-consecrate this vessel. I would feel the stillness of that vasty darkness once more in my breast. The annihilating reprieve of the ecstatic states. To drink from the Horns of the Revel, to sound them, to be pierced by them and to spill the tumult in my chest that She might yawn yet wider within.

That She might yawn wide and smile.

This unwelcome and impious melancholia snaps at my heels, waiting for me to slow, to stop. And so I must be tireless in Her service. I will keep moving, for Her.

[Mari]

Time, distance, secrets and a bit of blood.

Well that does feel a bit better, now.

"The Well seems cursed these last few nights". they said in so many words. The turmoil, the strife, the murders and the corruption. And they made their tithe that the swirling misfortune might not alight on them.

There are degrees of devotion, one supposes. Layers exoteric and esoteric. As ever when the ward of my Lady Between the Stars offers is cast aside, woe is invited. As ever we are poised agile to receive the tumult of the present, by Her grace are we granted the strength to wrench the now into our shape. By His wit are we made to see the true forms of things by their absence.

In between the stars and in the empty places in our hearts, the space between, know we adore you.

[Mari]

Magistrate Mari Blacke, High Priestess of my Lady Between the Stars- Gellema. Champion of the Contest of Izdu.

"To the craftiest"

Behold my finesse my Lady- Izdur trophies delivered into the service of Your vasty dark.

[Mari]

[another page with some of the lines crossed out, only partially readable]

I did warn him, her, them.  All signs  there to see.

                                                                         too sluggish a hand to       
   

I was vain and self-serving, yes, but I was correct

             have we strayed in our vanity   

I suppose I had not realized how close they were

                                  were they unprepared 

But I by my long works am I prepared to receive

                                                           always for you

 

[Mari]

"Are such things unworthy of me?"

"I think you know the answer."

There is power in the alignment of faith and desire.

There is wisdom in recognizing when they are in conflict.

Shedding that which holds us back. A guide, the path is not mine to walk. Yet- I am not aloof of the lessons tendered unto those who do.   

[Mari]

To mourn. To lash. To stride heedless of warning, assured. To drown in a vale of tears.

To stoke and serve. Fellowship kindled in strange alignment. Signals in smoke.

To revel in obscurity, strip shadow and dance deeper. Tireless, indeed, in works.

Hubris and indulgence. The confidence of the mad. To reach for the stars, and burn for it.

An earnest sincerity that quickens the insistent heart. An uncompromising vision, be it virtue or folly.

~~~

Between the stars, keep their dreams. Let your darkness yawn wide and swallow them.

[Mari]

[jotted into a margin]

I suppose it wasn't really given to her either in the end, was it?

[Mari]

"If only you were..."

"If only you were not..."

In time, perhaps, wisdom will find those who speak such preamble. They would see the qualities they adore are intertwined with those that give them, in their ignorance, pause. To accept that they are drawn because not in spite of.  Strength, vision, resolve, confidence- all from Her.

All for Her.

By my Lady's grace I am a guide. One by one may I prise the scales from their eyes. Seize hold of doubt and twist. Make them see You as I do.Though I do not burn, I am a torch. Like moths, let them come to me that I might guide them between the stars.

[Mari]

Some nights a dream comes to me.

In it I am older. My hair is grey but I am still beautiful. Ageless, as my grandmother was before the calamity consumed all.

Fine silks adorn me and I sit- recline- upon intricately embroidered cushions, luxuriant before the shining marble altar to my Lady. Marble pillars soar to the temple roof, and underpriests and priestesses attend me.

Open air, a cool breeze of the coming night wafts through and the moon hangs lambent and full yet in the darkening sky, stars winking in one by one as

[the entry ceases and the lines above methodically struck through]