The Journal of Bashir Khatara

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 31st, IY 7788

I've been laying in bed, going through old letters, old gifts, old memories in general. Tonka keeps nudging at my side, staring directly into my eyes. She knows that I'm not well. Cats and dogs are like that. They know when you're miserable.

And I am. Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had here. Might be the worst. I don't really know. I wanted to help Zain, but I couldn't really do anything, except for happening to run into Alejandro, who did far more than I could ever hope to accomplish. He's a good friend. I feel guilty for yelling at Sofia, but if I had lost Zain, I wouldn't have known what to do. It's all awful.

And the Banda's got their eyes on me, especially their unhinged Reclutas. I don't know why. Maybe they got mad that I didn't sign a contract, but maybe don't approach someone about matters like that when they're going to sleep...? Or maybe it's just because I happen to exist. Enough of an excuse for some of the sociopaths that live here.

I'm probably never going to the Krak, ever again. They'll laugh about it, act as if being turned into a chicken is a just harmless joke. It'd be simply embarassing if it weren't for the fact that you just hired an insane cannibal, who keeps staring at me as if I'm her next meal. So, yeah. If you have less paying customers, you can just blame yourself.

I wrote my will. Probably's full of loopholes. Probably will go completely ignored. Still worth a try. Wrote a couple of letters, too. Most of them to friends. Some to people that I don't really like anymore.

I'd leave town, but there's nowhere to go. Something that I've stated to myself endlessly. Pirouz seems to have some problems with his family, so going steady with him wouldn't really open any paths to Baz'eel... Not to mention that it would just amount to using him. I don't want to do that, to anyone. Least of all someone I actually like.

Today's Alkab, and I kind of feel like losing the delegation after the negotiations, and staying. But I don't even know what Alkab is like. It might be much worse. I might end up being killed by the Banda, if they come along. I hope that the funeral will have plenty of flowers. I hope that there will be a funeral.

I've tried everything. If I focus on my work, and stay to the background, I get assaulted. If I try to be assertive and hold my ground, I get assaulted. It's all useless. This place is awful. I wish I could've woken up anywhere else. Reincarnated as a spring elf, just living in a sylvan glade protected by a giant bubble of water. It probably isn't actually that great there, either, but it'd still be better than this hellhole.

I wonder how it'll happen? Will they come to my home and drag me out like they did with Mari, or will they just stab me, or will it just be a lone actor? It's awful to think about such things, but it's all I can think of.

At least I had some moments of genuine joy, for once in my life. Mari, Zain, Narwen, Alejandro, Richo, Xon, Akna, Anais, Meadow, Aaisha, Marcellus... I hope that they know how much I enjoyed my time with them. 

I wish I could do something, but after... emancipation... my life has just consisted of wandering, and waiting for things to happen.

This time I'm just waiting for the coup de grâce.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 1st, IY 7788

The journey to Alkab was eventful, as always. We opted to take a ship, though I really wish that we had taken the ash-sail, even if it had been far more expensive... I just like flights, is all. The guards at the lockhouse called me "Big Bashir"! I'm not too sure if they were mocking me, or not... You never know with tall folk.

Our captain was a fellow by the name of Abdul... He lost his boyfriend, Daniel, to the sea... Why must so many romantic tales carry such sorrow with them...? Now, he seemed like he knew what he was doing, but he did say something which I highly doubt... Apparently glimmer pearls are a myth? How is that possible? They must exist! Hogwash!

During the voyage, we were attacked by some sharkmen. I've seen the fishmen of Banafsi, and they're decent enough, all things considered... These guys, though, were absolutely horrible! Such hideous creatures! Thankfully I wasn't hurt during the scuffle... I've been getting pretty good at dodging, and I'm a pretty good shot with a sling, these days. And I still remember Snorri's Rules of Brews! I think. I might've forgotten some.

As we neared the city, we could hear hymns in the distance... It sounded like Amélie! And then the obvious was made apparent to me... They worship Kula! And I mean... what else would an agricultural nation be doing...? They're really, really, really religious.

We arrived, and the city was quite a bit smaller than I had thought... Absolutely surrounded by fields of crops, though. Endless fields! Maize, wheat and mizzar seemed to be the main assortment. I didn't know mizzar grew so tall! I really wish I could've gotten some maize, fried in salted butter... Now that's tasty! But once we made our way to the port, we found out that most places were closed, because apparently they do that during the passing of the month. I'm glad we don't do that. The few merchants that there were wouldn't sell me anything... Well, there was this one guy, but he was selling produce in such massive amounts that I couldn't eat that much in my entire lifetime...

Also, the Alkabi love clay. Which makes sense, their fields are probably full of the stuff! They write everything on clay tablets, they build their homes out of it, they decorate the indoors with it... I don't really get the clay tablet thing, seems unwieldy. But I guess if you have more clay than paper, then... it just makes sense to do that.

Now, the meeting with the representative of Alkab went the usual way... Nobody knows where the fuck Ephia's Well is, or that it even exists, so we had to wait a lot. Makes sense, I suppose, considering that we're basically a tiny hick town in the middle of nowhere. Then again, I do occasionally wonder if they're just playing it up to mock us, or something... The Port Authority's building was in absolutely terrible condition! The door had a giant hole around it! The supporting pillars had shattered! The indoors, at least, were properly taken care of...

They sent us off to a pub to pass the time. This turned out to be an attempt to get at least some of us killed, because it was an Orentid pub. Just Orentid, nobody else. The hatred in their eyes was obvious. I do feel sorry for them, but it's like... what are they going to do with my pity? Nothing whatsoever... I couldn't get a drink of shiraz. I wish I had gotten even just that!

Amidst this tension, who walks into the pub...? The treacherous jockey! Didn't bring his horse to the pub, thankfully, but he was still up on his high horse... I was so surprised by seeing him that I nearly choked! My heart jumped to my throat! He was with the guy we were supposed to meet, Numap... And they were just talking casually, as if it wasn't anything special... Apparently even the Sibilant Empire gets crops from Alkab...?

And it was at this point that we really, really, really should've realized that these people feed everyone on the Disc. Every single person. That's their sacred duty, as Kulamet... but we realized that far too late.

So, we go to negotiate with Numap, and it doesn't go well. They really, really, really don't like it when you talk about crop shipments to other places... So, he got real mad. And the... massive... person... behind him... both literally and figuratively behind him, all that time... was mad, too. Perhaps a little less mad than Numap, but still... Called us sinners. And I mean, yeah, that glove fits. Me at least.

So, the negotiations didn't go that well, but it wasn't an absolute disaster. I think it's the same problem as with previous occasions... We go in blindly. And I am to blame, and it feels awful. I do not carry the whole of the blame, of course, but I still feel like shit. If I had found even one book, or had been able to talk to even one Alkabi immigrant, I could've perhaps formed some understanding of their culture and traditions... But nope. Nothing.

These matters of trade really make me feel useless... It's awful. And the guilt that I feel from following my orders, it tears at my heart, but I do it anyway, because trashy novelettes don't pay the bills as well as I'd hope... Yet I still felt better than I did the day before... I kind of just wander from one emotional state to another, I suppose. More so than most.

Anyhow... Where's Pthsteka? What's the deal with that place? Is it a hot, temperate or cold place? What kind of people live there? What is their cuisine like? Do they read my books there? Are the guys there cute? What sorts of fabrics do they favor? I think I want to go there, next. Not to feel useless. Just to see the place. The useless feeling can come later.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 2nd, IY 7788

Richo told me the tale of the Seven-Storied Tortoise! The tortoise was a huge... well, tortoise, and it was the source to all the water on the Disc! Some awful sibilants wanted to steal it... There was a lot of sweating, and drooling, and a bunch of stupid sibilants, and drunken goblins! So, it was kind of a gross story, but it was still really entertaining! Richo really has a talent for the tale, and I think someone should collect all of his tales in a book! Then again, I'm not sure if Richo wants to be a hakawati, so maybe he wouldn't like that...?

Aurelio and Vico were fighting... The Grandmaster came and calmed them down? I saw only the last moments, because I was too scared to go into the Krak, but Khalid came along and offered to keep me safe... So I was able to see some parts of the strange affair! The Grandmaster made Aurelio a Lyrist! I hope Aurelio doesn't make any brash decisions while drunk off his ass... But I guess he's the best suitable for the position...? I think this was the second time I see the Grandmaster... or maybe the third... She kind of just mopes inside the College.

Also, Roderick got really mad at this, so he abandoned his cape, and I think he might have left the Well...? That's sad! I liked drinking with him!

The first guests to my new home were Akna and Richo! I was glad to have them, even though I really need more furniture, and I need to get some strapping lad to help with the couch that I managed to get stuck... I'm not strong enough for that, despite exercising each and every day! Anyhow, we had a long and deeply pleasant conversation! It was a nice change from all the bullshit that's been hounding me lately...

Akna seemed a little down, though. I want to cheer her up! Maybe I can knit something for her, even if that doesn't really solve her problem...? I just have to figure out what! Everyone needs socks... I guess I could make her a few pairs for cold nights! I do want to start making scarves, too, but I need a little more practise, I think. Though she would look absolutely darling in an aquamarine scarf, made out of the finest shahtoosh... I'll have to sketch that a few times!

As for Richo, he still thinks that anything that comes from an egg doesn't have a soul... And he also thinks that turtles and tortoises come from stones! No, they don't! If they did, I'd be going through each and every stone to see the tortoise babies... In reality, turtles and tortoises lay eggs, and they hide them in holes in the ground! Now, you can't really see this, because they're so good at hiding stuff, to such an extent that they can make it look like as if the ground was completely undisturbed... I think turtles would make for good pirates.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 3rd, IY 7788

A lot of tall folk have strange thoughts about pipeweed being bad for you... Yet no matter how much I point out that it's actually healthy, and that this fact has been proved by countless aeons of halfling academia, they still don't believe it! Let me take a look at some of these claims... Smoking pipeweed stains your teeth...? My teeth are perfectly white, they glimmer like pearls! Pipeweed makes your voice gravelly...? My voice is most melodious, and quite high-pitched... I wish I had a baritone, but no such luck! It's bad for your lungs...? That's just them getting used to the heat! It's like chili peppers... The more you eat, the higher the tolerance!

Maybe halflings are just built different... Tall folk must be allergic to pipeweed! That's so sad! I feel so bad for them!

What is the Red League? There's some vague propaganda posters about it around town, but I don't have a list of their members, nor do I know their tenets, or where their office is... Must be the latest fad. Maybe it's some art collective that satirizes the Leagues! That'd be so grand... which means that there's no way that is what it is. If it's the Rose starting a League of their own, they should've just called it the Rose League...

I bought a writing desk and chair... They were so expensive! At least I already had some pillows for the chair... I don't get people who don't put pillows down on their chair! Why'd you want to sit on something so hard and rigid...? I don't like sitting in general, but if I have to, then I'm going to make it as comfortable as possible! But... I'm not writing this at the desk... I'm laying on my bed. At least Inky stopped complaining about it, and Tonka likes hiding underneath... At least they are getting some use out of it, so far?

A NEW HOME. THE NUISANCE SLEEPS BELOW, HER RUMBLING NOW TOLERABLE. A VANTAGE POINT, FROM WHICH REMARKABLE SIGHTS CAN BE ABSORBED INTO MY BEING.

I suppose it's basically a tower for you... Wait, why are you here?

MY READING PILE WAS MISLAID ATOP THE BEAN CITADEL, INSTEAD OF MY STATELY HOME. PLEASE SHIFT ITS PHYSICAL POSITION. THE JOURNEY TO YOUR CASTLE OF LINEN DEMANDED PLENTIFUL HOURS.

Please don't call the coffee table that!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 4th, IY 7788

We have a new Junior Scribe, "Kroggnought"... I don't know if that's a fake name or not, some of these folk from colder regions have weird names... I am not sure at all who hired him, or what he even does, since he refuses to work with paper, but someone must've seen some potential in him? He does seem like a nice guy, though... I'm not certain where to point him to, since most Scribal work involves paper, and it didn't seem like he wants to work for the Office of Minor Nuisances... Certainly someone will have an idea what to do with a big, muscular man like him? Maybe he can deliver some really big packages!

Yesterday was otherwise rather uneventful... Everyone I know is at the Krak, most of the time, and since I can't go there, I just walk around town, looking for clients and doing some light shopping... Signing a contract with the Banda seems like giving up, and it isn't like I can even afford one.

Which is a huge problem, since to be truly left alone, I'd need to sign two contracts, and those carry a price that's far more than my monthly income... So, yeah. I'll be stuck drinking at the Ambassador's Rest for a long while. Which isn't too bad, but not much happens there... It's mostly some political drama that I don't really understand...? Also, that Banafsian diplomat is still lurking around there. I think most people don't know that she works for an Embassy that left months ago, but I do! I mean, I do understand why she doesn't want to go back home...

I did win 80 dinar from Royal Dragon... Even if I won that much each and every day, I still wouldn't be in the clear.

Richo has a spider buddy called Hashima? He sure befriends a lot of animals... I wish I could do that! But I think I would end up with such a galimafrée that it'd get really difficult to feed them all, or to just show them how much I love them! Oh, yeah... I meant I'd have a hodgepodge of different animals, not that I'd eat them for stew... Wait, is hodgepodge a stew, too...? It kind of sounds like one... Okay, I mean that I would have a menagerie of animals, and not one of those menageries where they have no space to live and it's really horrible and they really would be better off in the wild and... yeah, I'm just going to give up on this!

Also, Maddicus is obviously not seeing his physician, or taking his medication... He's completely unhinged! I mean, I knew that already, but it's getting really bad... I think someone should take a look in his basement...? If he even has one... I'm pretty sure he lives somewhere, but it might just be a ditch at this point...? I'm going to start triple checking that I locked the door, and ask my neighbor to make sure that nobody can get in the attic! And if he starts talking about traveling back in time to stop what he sees as the original sin, I'm just going to nod along and think about something else!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 5th, IY 7788

What an Assembly... I don't know why some people seemingly come in just to insult the Scribes? Like, that's all they do. I don't even know most of them. I don't think I've even talked to them, ever. That's your idea of a weekend? Like, you can't just get drunk and dabke like everyone else...? Couldn't get a date...?

Domhnall had another episode... It's hard to feel sorry for him after he insults everyone and tells them to kill themselves, though. I do feel sorry for Alejandro... The Glop must've strangled Domhnall's brain, or something. I don't know how brains work, but having some strange entity showing you visions can't be good for them! Some people say that the Glop is dead, but I'm not so sure... Maybe it's the dirt keeping it alive?

After that, I announced that the election would begin... It was like setting fire to a powderkeg! Every nutter in the Well came out to do crazy hijinks, all at once! And the platforms... Most of them are horrid! I don't even know what Khalid's is, but that just makes his better than... 99% of the others...? I don't know how maths work, either. People do know that Qa'im is like, a thousand times bigger than us...? Probably even more than that! Again, maths! Hard!

All the while that was going on, I was trying to make sure that Amelia gets proper wages for her work... I managed to do so! Hooray! Also, Aaisha was sick... She's better now! Hooray!

Radislav's trial was as weird as the man himself... I don't know why they didn't just go for assault and unlawful resistance charges? I don't know how the law works, either, though. You don't need to, as the court reporter! Which is grand, because I'm the court reporter! Well, one of them. I should have lunch with the others, sometime. Then we can report on something far more interesting... Food!

Anyhow... I also showed Kroggnought some suitable duties. Didn't really go for the papers that shan't be named, but he's eager to carry heavy stuffs and things. So, he's doing that now! I hope that nobody pesters him while he's making water deliveries... But then again, he's such a big guy, so you'd have to be a complete and utter dunce to mess with him!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 6th, IY 7788

I bought a stool for Tonka, so that she can sit at the dinner table, too! It was only fifty dinar, but it weighs a ton! It's a tiny thing, too... They must've used some really special wood for it, or maybe they reinforced it with steel...? It's so weird! Anyhow, Pirouz came over and he just lavished praise upon me and my decor... I was so happy that I almost cried! He also brought me some yarn as a housewarming gift! He's such a sweetheart!

I like Nadiri Naughty's new painting... It has a flower in it! A nightshade! I've tried my hand at painting, but I can't really figure it out... I'm more of a sketcher, really. Anyhow, the painting is really, really, really pretty, and I wish that more people would paint flowers, instead of half-naked hussies! Flowers have an universal appeal, and they are well-liked by anyone with a soul!

Richo's giving cooking lessons, now... His recipes are kind of weird, though. Mostly, they involves worms. I mean, we have an abundance of those, so I guess figuring out how to make them taste actually good is in high demand? I hope he gets plenty of students! Kroggnought was his first, and he learned how to make syrup out of worms... That's so weird. I'd try my hand at it, too, but the thought of eating worms just kind of disgusts me on an inherent level, so... I wouldn't mind snakes or scorpions, though. I do vaguely remember eating a lot of those as a kid? Fried, of course, I'm not eating garbage like that raw!

I was just going to the Hall of Jurisprudence to eat my salad in peace, but there was a trial going on? A pipe trial? Vico stole a pipe from Azaghal? I mean, if you want to steal something that makes you look really, really, really old, that's your business... Maybe not beat someone up over a fucking pipe, though? I don't know what's going on at the Banda's fortress, but they're kind of loony, lately...? Cannibals, pipe theft, turning me into a chicken... Who'd hire a mercenary like that? People are going to start taking the Wet Boys more seriously than them, soon! And they're literally called the "WET BOYS"!

I wonder if I could hire a Wet Boy to guard my home...? Probably too expensive, and I'm not sure if the "wet" part comes from wetwork, or if they're a gang of hydromancers...? Latter option would make a mess of my linens if someone decides to burglarize my home...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 7th, IY 7788

Someone got the Office of Announcements' drapes stuck in a big ol' tangle! For a while, nobody could enter or leave... I had to utilize my freshly acquired expertise as a tailor to untangle them! They were jumbled up like a pretzel... I wish I had a pretzel, or two... They make me so thirsty, though, so I always have a tall glass of water, and some dip, ready!

Castella replaced my favorite guard with a Ballatrickle... I don't know how to spell, or pronounce that! She's really rude... I can't really tell people how to contact the Legate with her yelling them to sod off! She told me to sod off, too... I have to walk by her multiple times, every day, now! It's awful! The guy who was there usually helped me with statistics, because he was good with numbers... I hope that Martin's accidents tire her out and she leaves and never comes back!

Nadiri Naughty assaulted Narwen and sealed her in an iron cage! He's crazy! I thought that he just paints pretty pictures, but apparently he's another weirdo! Why would he do that...? I mean, besides being a crazy weirdo! Now I look at his paintings entirely differently! They're painted by a creep!

I was on my way home, and there was a creepy gnome illusion in the Plaza...? There was a lot of illusionary blood... It was so gross! I think it was somebody playing a prank on Mevura? He doesn't like gnomes very much, so I guess gnome blood is grosser to him than other blood, because he's bigoted! I don't like such macabre pranks! Pranks should make everyone involved laugh!

And then, after that, when I got into bed, the Plaza started shaking and wobbling, for some reason, and I couldn't sleep, and neither could Tonka, she ran into the bedroom and hid under the sheets, she was shivering and breathing really heavily! Even Inky was scared, and they came to the bedroom to hide, too, admittedly after a long delay!

I WAS NOT "SCARED". I AM INCAPABLE OF APPERCEIVING FEAR.

Then why'd you come into the bedroom...?

THERE WAS A PARTICULARLY INTRIGUING TOME OF KNOWLEDGE TO BE ABSORBED.

That's not a tome! That's just a reminder! It just says "remember to buy chicken liver for Tonka", and nothing else!

YES. IT WAS MOST INTRIGUING.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 8th, IY 7788

Around the office, everyone's worried about this new guard business, even Adira, and we don't talk that much, usually. Passing by that Ballatrickle is awful, she always yells something horrible... The most desperate whispers? They say not to go to the Assembly... Called too suddenly, too soon... Would they do something like this, there, too? I don't know about that, but what I do know is that I can always focus on my own office. Handling birthdays is not too exciting, but rather those than that...

Also... More than two weeks have passed, which means that

Try writing these a little beforehand for a change and it turns out to be completely useless... A bunch of people came to the Pyramid! So many Janissaries, so many members of the Lilies... It was such a strange mix of people that I was just puzzled by what was going on...? Then it was all revealed... The League of White was kicking Castella off the seat, replacing him with Akna, and the Fourth was going to prosecute him for High Treason!

It was really serious, too! News came that they were bringing in a judge all the way from Baz'eel... For safety's sake, all the witnesses to Castella's horrible scheme were brought over to the garrison, where we stayed for quite a while... It was so scary! I thought that the Rose was going to break the door and come downstairs! Thankfully, they didn't... A lot of people would've died, probably me too, these people were so angry that it didn't seem to matter who gets hurt... At one point, Radish made a mess, and assaulted them, and the situation almost exploded! But the Lieutenant threw him in a cell to cool down... Which I'm pretty sure Radish is incapable of doing, at this point, but at least he was in a cell!

Once the accounts of the witnesses were all written down, we could finally get out of there... The streets were full of members of the First Legion! Castella really fucked up, bad! As for the trial... Well, they sent an Inquisitor to take care of the mess. I don't know why some people try to lie to these Inquisitors, they see through everything... I think Vico was drunk during the trial? He kept jouncing around like a drunkard, anyhow, made threats to the witnesses in a way that was obvious to everyone... What a creep! He got beaten up by the Legionnaires, including one of the First! I kind of wish they had walloped him through the floor or something...

Castella was found guilty... But he didn't even pay for his crimes, because he was an utter coward and a liar! He ingested some poison and killed himself! COWARD! All those lies he said about Akna... I hope he's rotting in one of the hells, if they even exist anymore! How many people would've died if his plan had gone through successfully...?

It isn't all bad news, though... Princess Hasheema lowered our Water tithe! About 75 more barrels to use as we wish... Of course, because the Banda is utterly insane, they'll ask for at least fifty of those for themselves. We could negotiate far better trade agreements, and make massive strides towards housing and feeding more people through this, but I just know that won't happen, because some people just feed their greed and nothing else...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 9th, IY 7788

Caster lost his purse! Well, he didn't lose it, exactly, but he was trying to bribe the Janissary by Akna's office, for some reason, and he left it on the floor next to him, for some reason, but the guard didn't pick it up, again, for some reason... I mean, he's Caster! He could just say... "Hi, it's me, Caster Cro," and get let in immediately! Maybe his moody blues are lowering his self-esteem enough that he can't see that...? Some devious mountebank might've ran off with the money, but thankfully Zol Nur was there to give it to me! Anyhow, I returned the purse, so there was a happy ending.

Domhnall is really, really, really screwed up... He showed up for the signing of the renegotiated Water Tithe, and for a moment, it seemed like he was not going to do it! He yammered on about how people deserve to die, how death is a sweet release, and all kind of depressing bullshit like that! Thankfully, in the end, he signed it... He sounds more like a depressed kid than a revolutionary, so I don't think his retirement is going to go very well... I'm not sure if he was joking about going to Qadira. He jokes about serious stuff a lot...?

Anyhow... All he's going to find in Qadira is pirates, so I'm not sure why's he planning to retire there, of all places, if he is genuinely doing that, again, it's really hard to know, because the man is a whimsical wreck? Maybe he can become a swabbie, or a cabin boy, and get a suitably stupid pirate name... Like Doubloon Domhnall. Or something disgusting, like Gallstone Guivarch?

Or maybe just something really blunt and overly long, like... Dismal Domhnall, the Not-So-Gay Cabin Boy.

I tried my best to cheer up Alejandro, but I'm not sure if I managed to do anything... I just hope that he can move on from all this, as difficult as that might be. And I hope that he falls in love with someone that actually cares about him, which... well, it's somewhat unlikely, because he seems to have a type, and that type is dumbasses who hurt him? And I mean, I get that, I was into guys like that when I was younger, but... I managed to gain a modicum of self-respect, and stopped hurting myself like that. Maybe the stars will align, and he'll meet some guy that he can shower in poems and roses... And that will hurt him just enough to entice!

As for more positive news... I'm going to knit some socks for the Rose orphans! Narwen asked me not to make them too fancy, which is a bit of a challenge, but I think I can manage it...? I just need to hand them to her while she's out and about town, because I can't go to the Krak... The Banda would probably steal the socks, and then complain that they're too small, unless some of the Banda have comically tiny feet, unless they also hire kids now, which is an actual possibility and someone should probably look into that because that's really fucked up.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 10th, IY 7788

They finally banned me from the Krak! Which... changed nothing, because I wasn't going there, anyhow...? I mean, why would I go somewhere where I get threatened and assaulted...? The reason for the ban was that I tried to charge a Recluta an extra fee for a license... I told the Banda to see another Scribe, and they still came to me! I was just trying to get some recompense for the humiliation, the threats, and further abuse that I received from them... I was going to give the money to charity, because the Banda aren't going to do that! I thought that I could just ignore the ban, but then Aludra started protesting it! She refused to handle any bellows for as long as I was banned! I owe her lunch!

Vico invited me to the Fortress, and told me to bring Tonka along... I thought he was going to kill her! I was so scared, and I cried a lot, and my makeup was ruined, so I went without kohl for the rest of the day... I felt like hiding her somewhere, and hiding elsewhere, myself, so at least one of us would be safe... But in the end, Vico came over to me in the Plaza, and we talked at Elossi's, instead? The only reason I managed to go, or say anything at all, was because Alejandro came along, too... He's a real hero!

It was a really weird affair, because Vico brought over that new Recluta too, and made him get undressed, until he had just his undies on and nothing else...? Usually when a guy undresses in my company, it's because I want it to happen! Also, Vico ate an ear! It was so weird and gross! That was the weirdest conversation I've ever had with anyone, ever!

At the end of the talks, they rescinded the ban, and paid double for the license, and I'm now selling licenses to them, again... I gave all the extra money to Narwen, for the District Fund! It's not really a happy ending, though... I'm still so scared! I never even considered that someone would want to hurt Tonka, so I'm going to take some precautionary measures, especially against the worst kind of crazy people!

A tiny sheet of paper, adhered against the journal's pages

Tonka Rajiya-Minoo Khatara

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Anyhow... The latest fad in the Well is orbing. Richo taught me how to do it! You just kind of sprinkle some magickal residue from brews or enchanted trinkets on your hands, and then spin them around wildly, and an orb of light appears! However, every now and then, when we orb, strange things happen. One time, a naked dwarf appeared out of nowhere. The orbing probably interrupted his invisibility spell...? He was probably some kind of pervert..? And today, we got a funny little gnome, who was just kind of weird, really. I think he was a prankster of some sort, and I don't have much patience for those, because I don't like getting pie in my face, or a bucket of water on my head... Now they're saying that orbing is dangerous. I think if you orb too much, you might go blind...?

After all this, Richo and I got down to the kitchen at the taverna, and started cooking... He made some weedbread. The aroma was so enticing! I tried to make weedcheese, but wasn't that successful... I mostly just managed to make grease and soup starter. It was really weird! Then, when we were trying some wilder recipes... My shoes exploded! Some devious madman had done something to Zain's inventions, or his prism crafts, and since Zain designed my absolutely darling shoes and obviously treated their aspectral energies, as well... Well, it wasn't pretty, I had to douse myself with water! Thankfully, I wasn't hurt too bad, and the shoes were mostly fine, too, even though I had to spend all night scrubbing ash off them...

Yesterday was just weird!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 11th, IY 7788

Someone hanged a necromancer from the Office of Gold's balcony! I don't like necromancers, but I don't think they should be hanged in public for everyone to see... Do that somewhere private!

After my daily Efuddy, I had a chat with Zol Nur, about the end of the world... It was pretty sad, though there was still some hopefulness present. I don't care how bad things get! You should never lose hope! Depressing dopes like Domhnall just whine and mope and don't get anything done! You either keep swimming or drown in the sorrow!

The Ephian Games were pretty short, this time around. Nasreen made the squared circle far smaller than before, so that gave an advantage to massive magicks! The winners were Meadow and Cawford... and oh, Miranda, too, of course! In the second round, there was such an enormous blast of magickal energy that it cleared the other teams for the most part... I wish I was able to call storms... I felt like cheering for Meadow, Miranda and Cawford, all the time, but I think I'm supposed to be cheering for the Violet Jerboas... If Cawford's name was Mawford, they could be the "Three M's"! Which isn't really a thing, but... Mawford is kind of funny because he eats a lot.

There's a new detective in down... Inspector Aloisus! He seems like a nice guy... He asked if there were any mysteries about town, and all I could think about was Marcellus' gun. I don't know if he can find it, but if he can, then that proves that he's a great detective, because then he's found something that has been lost for months! Anyhow, compared to Daoud, Inspector Aloisus dresses rather plainly, yet he still manages to have a certain flair to him... Daoud's kind of a dry cracker, really. I mean, he's a great detective, sure, but when I imagine what Daoud's home is like, I just see a bunch of gray belongings, because anything with actual color would be too exciting for him.

A chicken from the extradimensional chicken ranch betwixt the stars came to visit! She brought plenty of friends to the Astronomers' laboratories! I was told not to feed her... After I fed her! If you don't want me to feed cute animals, you have to do that really early, because otherwise I'm obviously going to do it! In the end, the other chickens went back home to the ranch, but one chicken was following Athelia around...? I think she made a new friend? I wish I had a chicken friend... I think Tonka would like one, too. Even though she eats chickens. She just eats them after they're dead. Which she isn't going to make them because I think she has the same vow as the ashfolk...?

Al-Marain held a campaign rally at the Soot Lamp... There was free coffee, and tasty muffins. I don't think Manny liked him, or Daoud, or Nasreen, being there very much, for obvious reasons... I do wonder if they're really that oblivious or if they're doing it on purpose...? I think Daoud knew, in the end, since he was kind of just hanging around by the door. Amélie read one of her poems, with Narwen accompanying her on harp... It was beautiful, as always! A rather grand occasion, but I do wish there had actually been punch and pie... And well, for Manny's sake, I wish it had been held somewhere else.

Also, Kroggnought knows nothing about proper muffin etiquette!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 12th, IY 7788

The Truffle Club held a lecture about... what else...? Truffles! The lecture was held at the Sandstone's club room, which I and Narwen thought to be the sand room. The Truffle Club has only gnomes as members...? I know gnomes are really good at digging tunnels, and finding mushrooms and jewels, but it's still kind of weird... Anyhow, the lecture was really, really, really weird, and it was also disappointing, because there weren't any cute little piggies, or truffle samplers! I don't think I'm going to join the Truffle Club!

There was also a debate, later... It was kind of the usual fare, really. There were two monkeys, though. Narwen said that they were going to explode, and one of the monkeys did light a flare, or something! It was really weird... One monkey climbed atop the Well's well, and the other headed to the Tower. So, no exploding happened, at least not at the debate. Also, some dweeb threatened me, after which he ran away, and returned, disguised as a chamber pot wearing idiot. I mean, in the end, he was a chamber pot wearing idiot, but the disguise was the pot hiding his face...

I knew that Kroggnought's reading and writing skills were pretty bad, but it was only yesterday when I learned the unadulterated truth... He's absolutely terrible at both! Well, he can read far better than he can write... He writes his name as "OX"! People are going to think that a really smart ox has been selling licenses and such! We can't have that! So, in a desperate effort, I tried teaching him all of the letters... That didn't go too well. He did learn some of them, but only some. Then, I showed him how his name is actually written... That made him go absolutely berserk! He couldn't believe the sight! He started punching the election board, and then he declared that he was leaving to the dunes to escape words...

I tried to stop him from doing so, but wasn't able to. I headed to the Krak's bellows to tell him to come back, but then something strange happened... That devious inventor had laid another trap for me! I started fading in and out of visibility, at first. Then, I was set ablaze, though the flames didn't really hurt at all... Then, I turned red! Thankfully, the Astronomers came and took me to the Tower... Kroggnought came back, too, because he was worried! He's such a sweetheart!

Zain got right down to work, and tried to help me... And he managed to do so, but that just transferred the inventor's irritating curse to him! I was really worried, but not to the extent as some others, who seemed to think that Zain was going die...? I mean, the curse was really irritating, but I don't think it could've killed anyone! Unless you're like, really sensitive to flashing lights, I suppose...

Now, turns out that this crazy inventor is some kind of Don Honey, who's hot stuff with all the single ladies. He's like Don Souk, but with hearts! If he's into ladies, I don't know why he wants to steal my heart, or Zain's, maybe he's in an experimental stage of his life, and that's just fine, but maybe don't do that through strange curses...? Also, he seems to think that me and Zain are an item? We aren't, we're just friends, no matter what anyone says, we had a really long conversation about it and Zain doesn't like guys or gals or anything in between or besides the borders he just kind of is Zain and that's just fine he is kind of cute though but I'm completely and utterly fine with being friends and I'm kind of seeing Pirouz now so I don't know where these rumors are coming from?

Anyhow, in the end, the kiss of true love lifted the curse... Zain's plucky hen, Magnifica, pecked him! The bond between a man and his chicken is truly wondrous!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 13th, IY 7788

I bought an easel! Jance & Son's is selling those now... I brought it home, and immediately started painting what came to mind... So, the first painting will be of Tonka, playing amidst a glade full of flowers! It'll be so grand! Painting makes for a fine hobby, really, I can work through some emotions, and I have a lot of those...

Some Scribe left their uniform at the tailor! I don't know who it was, but they really should take proper care of their uniform... Someone could've absconded with it, and sold fake licenses... Oh, right, I'm not meant to write about those. Let me think... He could've pretended to be a water courier, and stolen a few barrels of the blessed Waters! I know it wasn't Martin... and I just know that whomever it was is going to say it was Martin... Who could it be?

I was sitting in the Plaza, and some hooded guy started dropping barrels next to the Pilgrim, along with a strange contraption attached to a set of scales... It was a bomb! It was that devilish Don Honey, Horatio Servario! The scales had to have an exact amount of water on them, or the bomb would explode! He attempted to force me into doing the mathematics! I don't like doing the mathematics! But, somebody... I think it was Akna... tossed an enchantment of cunning on me, and soon, I was deep into the mathematics... I just didn't know what to do with them, because I'm not familiar. I think I wrote these numbers down while I was under the spell...? I don't know why...?

A small sheet of paper

1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89, 144, 233, 377, 610, 987, 1597, 2584, 4181, 6765, 10946, 17711, 28657, 46368, 75025, 121393, 196418, 317811, 514229, 832040

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Anyhow, I was in such shock, and I wasn't sure what to do, but thankfully Zain and Samton were there to help! I ran to the taverna, and brought them two buckets of water... Apparently, that dastardly devil, Horatio Servario, didn't only want me to do maths, he wanted me to figure out a truly diabolical play on words, so, the scales needed to have any amount of water that wasn't under four gallons! I have too much on my mind to figure stuff like that out! But, in the end, Zain and Samton saved the day... Hooray!

What do maths have to do with love, anyhow...? Oh, wait, he wanted me and Zain to work together as a team, since he's good at maths, and I'm not, and love is all about teamwork, in the end! No wonder he was so peeved that Samton helped, too! These schemes are going to go on until Servario is caught, because Zain is just simply incapable of romantic love... I mean, it'd be nice if he wasn't, but even if Servario managed to somehow change his very nature, then what would we do, since it'd be really awkward to stop being friends at this point...? It's all so confusing!

Anyhow... Evander is crazy! He wanted to talk to me, so, I did, but I suggested that we talk outside in the Plaza, because I don't want to be alone anywhere with him... Talking to him was a complete mistake, but doing so atop the mound of sand near the Pilgrim was the right move! He revealed that he's infatuated with me...? He had this scheme to get close to me by joining the Scribes...? Then he threatened to kill Pirouz when I told him that I'm seeing someone...? It's horrible! Now I'm scared for myself, and Pirouz! I don't want to have a crazy stalker! Especially not two, since I already had one!

Thankfully, Alejandro was sitting nearby, so I asked him for help, which he did, along with Athelia and Eclair! Evander ran off to the Krak, so, the three went there to take care of  the mess... Which they managed to do? I'm not sure what happened, but it's supposedly taken care of, now. Why are all of the crazies always interested in me...? I'm just a Scribe... Admittedly a really, really, really beautiful Scribe, but still... 

Later that day... Stern had a new card game, and wanted people to try it out at the Tower... So, I went, and played! The cards were Legates, and each Legate had a special ability! My favorite cards were Marcellus and Zaniah, so I just kept using those... You won when nobody else had a Legate left! You could collect taxes, or play your Legate's special ability... You could also bluff that you had a card when you didn't! In the first game, I just collected taxes, and won! I don't like doing bad things, even in games... In the last round of the second game, I was forced to bluff that I was stealing from Nadiri Naughty, but he called my bluff, and I lost! Oh well, it was fun to win at least once!

Maybe I should've just collected taxes, one last time...?

And well, during my time at the Tower, Ariel apparently went insane and killed Archos...? And ran off to Kha'esh? She's dead now! Good riddance! I hope that all slavers die! Poor Archos, though, he seemed nice... Qari's their new candidate...? Okay...?

I guess he really liked sleeping in that particular office...? Is that the reason why he's on the bellows all the time...? Because he can't get any sleep elsewhere...?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 14th, IY 7788

Narwen's sad, because they autopsied Imizael. Autopsified...? Whatever. They took her brain. Now Narwen's thinking of leaving after Ishla gets better... I hope she doesn't leave! I know that's selfish, but she's one of my best friends, and things around here would get far more boring and unpleasant if she left. I also feel conflicted about this whole thing, because Imizael was an absolutely terrible person. I'm not sure if people don't know that, or if most are just using this situation to their advantage by pretending to care about her.

The whole situation surrounding the autopsy exploded, and Xon nearly got killed, because the Banda kidnapped him to their fortress. A bunch of other Nadiri got hurt, too, but I'm not exactly certain of the details... I think Emmanuel got hurt pretty bad? For a moment, it seemed like the Accord was going to finally come tumbling down under all this excess pressure. It was really scary! I just wish they could work together, just once... But that's not going to happen in any meaningful fashion. Imizael's brain was returned at the very last moment... A few minutes more, and the Well would've been set ablaze, and I would be hiding in Frostport...

Anyhow... Al-Marain gave me some wine, that he made himself. It was made from the holy waters...? It's called a Bashir Burgundy...? I had a taste. It's pretty good! The holy waters give it a peculiar aftertaste, though. Not bad, but it feels kind of... a confusing mix of sacred and profane, to be drinking wine made out of them just for enjoyment?

Richo was chained to a boulder? It was because he can run so fast that he breaks the very fabric of reality? He ran so fast that he visited the interdimensional chicken farm betwixt the stars, and turned into a chicken, momentarily? That's so weird, Richo! I don't really understand any of this. How can running really fast can cause anything like that to happen? When I run really fast, people ask me... "Why are you running, why are you running?" Obviously I'm running because I'm in an awful hurry!

Athelia brought some salmon to Akna as a gift! I got some, too! It was very tasty! Then later, al-Marain bought some tasty pastries! They were very tasty, too! I wish more people would bring food to the offices! I like eating!

We had to get a tribute of twenty thousand dinar to Kha'esh, because the whole Ariel mess had offended them so much... I was assigned to the trek, to represent the Pyramid. What a scary journey... I don't want to go to those ruins ever again! And when we finally arrived to Kha'esh, I was reminded of how frightening those battlemages can be! I wish they could have proper manners, and not rip papers from my hands as if I wasn't even there... I did get a new friend during the trip! Grokky the pack groknak! He's really cute, and he obviously liked me the best, because he kept following me everywhere I went! I want a pet groknak now! I wonder how much they cost...?

Oh, can't forget... Tonka ate my sweet roll! What a scoundrel! She kept farting all day long! It was horrible!