Ilmaz's Mutterings

[unvoiced]

The unrecorded mutterings of Ilmaz Arzhadi as she sits alone in some quiet place, or walks in solitude beneath the stars.

I.

...she wanted, um, definitions... to pin down my thoughts... what is a dream? And what um, is passion... what's truth... I can't, um... define them... no one can? If you try... it's... you're choosing a place... a place to stand... in... in the sand... they'll be blown away in the wind...as soon as you pick up your feet...

What is good, or evil, or, um... truth, or untruth, or... justice... it, um... it changes... in the moment... from person to person...

It's not only...what's said... but who says it... the, um... speaker... their pink tongue dancing to shape the words... it changes the meaning... doesn't it? Does it...

Every, um... moment... has a thousand thousand facets... factors... like a spinning jewel, glittering... you can't, um... know every point of light... you can't...

Feel, um... your passion... your belief... and choose...

She doesn't trust, um... she doesn't trust me... I don't, um... mind... it won't change my... my path...

[unvoiced]

II.

...pilgrimage, um... we went to the barrier... um, runes, a-glow, spinning beneath the stars...

Some old hermit, um... blessed... wary of baleful, um... baleful curses... he knows...

A dare... we, um... didn't know... we were inviting a game... but isn't that... the way it should be?

Prayers of protection... refrains... commanded. Um...I didn't...want to repeat them... but I did... I can be, um... humble... I can learn...

She was wiser than...wiser than I...

...I, um... wanted to play the game... when she fell, and I heard, um... I heard her neck break... the crack... her weak, breathy cry of "No..." the, um... the last in her lungs...

I would have, um... gambled... to make it stop...

...I didn't. I bowed, um...bowed my head... and listened... and prayed...

...and learned. Don't, um... think you know everything...Ilmaz... remember...

...anyone, um...anyone can be fooled... even you...

[unvoiced]

III.

A deal, um... why... I didn't need it...

But it was... um, unexpected... is that... enough?

[unvoiced]

IV.

We went, um... to Hufaidh... I think I may die there, in a month...

...death's, um... a mystery... I don't... fear discovering it... but...

I won't...let him die... or Onion. They have...passion... their hearts, are, um...alive...aspiring...to their dreams...

He said, um... he said he feels... a connection. But, um... but... he doesn't know me... at all...

No one does...

But I know, um... I can be strong enough... to save myself... and all of them... I can be...more powerful than anyone, um...expects of me...

My faith...is strong...

Um...the djinn... the Enemy... they're... opposed to the Dream. I know... they want to, um... make slaves of us...

...to deny us... freedom... and choice... and moments of happiness... they want... all the contents of our minds, um... our souls... and bound to them... we can't pursue... our whimsies... our dreams... our passions...

...so I'll destroy them... I'll, um...I'll obliterate them...

...not, um...not so that they aren't... but so that... so that they never were...

The Enemy, um... the Enemy doesn't know... how dangerous I can be...

...because, um... how often...does one such as me... um... bring a power... such as mine...against them?

...the, um... the pure-hearted knights...of the Rose... the Enemy expects them...

...but they don't, um... they don't expect me...

...and the danger you don't anticipate, um...is deadly...

...and my faith is strong... only, um... remember... you don't know everything... don't, um... don't ever believe yourself...past surprise... especially in this...

[unvoiced]

V.

Um... I can feel... feel their pain... speaking with them...

They want... they desire... they wish...

To, um... to be different... to not... fear the future... to not, um... to not regret... the past...

Crossed... in tension... um... fleeing from, fleeing to...

Like, um... like yarn strung between fingers in, um... in a cat's cradle...

What connects... their pasts and futures... binds them...

Binds... binding... binding together? Binding in restriction...

If, um... if you are bound... uh, too tightly... you can't... um...

If you're... bound too loosely... what... what are you?

[unvoiced]

VI.

It's... illusion...

How... how can I make them understand...?

The future... is unwritten...

The past... is not... who you are... we are, um... only... flickering, dancing flames...

The, um... animating spirit... the holy power... of now... to, um... to reject everything but... this breath.

I...I must... become this myself... pray on it... walk in this...

... I can be... disciplined... even in this...

I can... I can teach them to dance... unhobbled... relieved of their, um... terrible weights...

It must, um... must be careful work...

You mustn't remove... too much... they aren't ready...

... they aren't ...

I don't... want to destroy them... um... why would I... ruin my own... garden?

...I'm, um... not the fox... digging to... catch hares...

...I'm the... scent of dew... beneath, um... beneath the starlight...

......

I...me, um... my... I, me, my... Ilmaz... do you hear yourself...?

...you hold on...too tightly... what... are you afraid of?