The Journal of Bashir Khatara

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 19th

That king is all right. Brought some wine – Alkabi Shiraz –  to a meeting and I got to drink at least four glasses... Maybe five? Six? I don't really remember, I got really drunk, since they were really tall glasses. Maybe I shouldn't be drinking on the job, but most of these meetings are fucking awful, so I might as well have fun during one when I'm given the chance. Also... I'm Bashir the Bold now, apparently. Which is honestly a pretty good title.

People certainly have a lot of interest in these Prominent Figure profiles right now. I'm glad that it's mostly Aaisha's thing right now, because... I don't really pay much attention to people's histories? Or their achievements? If it was me writing them, they would contain drivel like "oh he looks absolutely darling in ochre and has the cutest laugh and always knows the best ways to compliment you". So basically they would be matchmaking profiles, instead of documents of historical importance. I guess someone would pay for that.

Tesrin Hray's the month during which gates are closed. So, you might as well close the most infamous gate in the Well – the Gate of Sand. I'm certain that someone will complain about it, but what are you using that gate for, anyhow? It's mostly a minor shortcut, right now. I kind of hate that gate, since everyone keeps bringing it up at the most inopportune times. You could use it as an insult, too. Like "shut your Gate of Sand" or "he's a real Gate of Sand". I suppose the former works far better...

Anyhow, I'm real bored. I was trying to jot down some ideas for more Hardacre, but everything ended up being related to coconuts. Probably because I'm juggling my lucky coconut around again. I hear a lot of strange sounds from the neighboring rooms at night, and I often wonder about their source. I guess I could have Hardacre investigate some strange sounds in the next book? That's way too vague to be a good idea though. Writing is really difficult. Thankfully it's something I do for a lark, rather than as my day job. I'd be living in a ditch otherwise.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 20th

Mro Po's was so filled with children that I couldn't get a seat! I suppose that's just fine, those kids seem like they've had a hard time, and they could use some joy for a change... Just not used to it being so full there. I don't know what most wormingers and refugees eat, since I never see them eating at Mro Po's. Probably hardtack, which they down with wajeebs.

Anyhow, nothing really happened yesterday, so I only had that to write, so... I've just been walking around? Someone sold a lot of oil to Caleb. Like, fifty containers... Along with a few torches... I guess some White leaguer changed their mind about burning someone's home down.

Hazish has some giant eggs... I don't think those are the eel eggs. I think eel eggs are translucent. I think, anyhow. I don't know much about eels.

There's a really pale Nadiri? I don't know anything about him beyond that. They have at least a dozen newer Nadiri. Sheesh. Sure is a lot of people who don't want to get paid.

I met a guy at a tavern, last night... Well, he really just came up to me and started explaining how he had puked on his shirt, in elaborate detail. The alcohol probably didn't help him any, but he had to be pretty stupid to begin with to think that was a good conversation starter. I just walked away.

Wow. This is all really boring, but I felt like I had to write something.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 21st

Alejandro took me and Armis to the Valley of Wisdom. Certainly a place that is both beautiful and intriguing! True to the name, a lot of ancient wisdom has been carved to the walls there. Explains a lot about the state of things, presently... I think everyone should see the place, at least once. There's also a strange barrier, nearby. I wonder what's the deal with that? Either there's something dangerous behind it, or something precious... Or, well, both. If there were more Velan Volandis novelettes beyond... I would immediately hire the Astronomers to take a look, since they need the money, and I need that sleaze.

Why didn't anyone tell me that there are sea elves in Banafsi? I bet their men are handsome... Muscular from all that swimming, a strapping sailor type that would bring me seafood every single day... He could show me all the tropical islands that there are to be found on the Disc... His long hair treated to perfection by the salty winds... Gills... Scaled skin... Stinking of sea water... Actually the rest of that sounds pretty awful, fuck that. I would visit Banafsi to take a gander to see if they actually have those awful features, but I'm not that desperate for men to do it during such a volatile time.

Bana was on trial again. How does someone end up like that, anyhow? Must've injected some scorch straight into his brain. He was promptly exiled, and he's dead and buried under a layer of ash now. Thankfully. I don't really like wishing death on anyone, but I also really don't like the prospect of an insane stalker hounding me every night. I wonder if Boots is setting precedent by playing the trumpet at every trial? I mean, he's not half bad, but it's still kind of loud.

I'm really glad that I can sleep in my room now... The Pyramid's kind of a weird place, in the end. And greasy.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 22nd

Nadiri Dhoten called my figure "aesthetically and mathematically pleasing". What a strange thing to say. How do you calculate such things, anyhow? I guess there's some sort of formula. Assigning numbers to beauty seems really creepy, though. You can't really address the full extent of it in words, either, but at least words can be beautiful on their own... Numbers, on the other hand, are just utterly boring.

I saw the second and third floors of the Tower of Q'tolip. It's far less blue there than I thought! But it's still bluish. Purplish? Eerie mood lighting, regardless. I also saw the Orb. I don't know why anyone would be curious enough to touch it. And I'm really curious! I was more curious about what they eat, or where their canteen is. But I didn't feel like embarassing myself, again, so I didn't ask.

The first Hardacre is nearly finished! I just need to write the epilogue. Then I can finally say that I wrote a book. That was published in terrible tabloids. As a serial. To fill up some space. I guess that isn't a book, really. I suppose someone might collect the chapters under the same cover? I don't know. Also I'll be saying that to myself, inside my mind. Mentioning it to anyone else would be embarassing.

What I'm far more proud of are my flowers! They're blooming! It's also a good personality test. If someone comes into my room, and mentions them, then I like them. If they don't mention them at all, they're obviously a terrible person who has no appreciation for the finer things in life! Which is most men, come to think of it. Then again a lot of them are drunk, or high on mizzar, or both, when they come to my room. But that's not really an excuse, is it? You should recognize the beauty of flowers, no matter how intoxicated you are!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 23rd

A rather boring day was saved by a trip to Frostport. Mari, as always, was a most pleasant traveling companion. I'm not sure if I've ever been somewhere so cold, but some layering along with wards made it manageable... A beautiful place, even under such harsh circumstances. The market had plenty of interesting goods, including a rather expensive cloak fashioned out of a bear pelt... Far too masculine for my aesthetic, however.

As for other sights... A fortress, seemingly constructed out of ice... The kobolds there were quite afraid of us! A stone arch, allowing one passage over a small spond... The view from there was simply amazing! A stuffed bear...? I guess that counts. We did stop to look at it. Kind of macabre, really.

On our way back to the Well, we discovered a small band of goblins... The shaman – I think it was a shaman – among them carried surprisingly intriguing items. Including a most tasteful scarf, one of silken make, it seems. Must've stolen it from some poor sod... Not only is it quite fashionable, it seems to be enchanted with protective magics, so I shall be wearing it in the future... Zain's gift scarf, one of my most treasured possessions, shall wait in my wardrobe, for occasions that require a more rustic look. After all, one can't be showy at all times, and it is a understated yet handsome piece.

I was also able to obtain a gift for Zain... A tinkerer's helmet. And how overjoyed was I to hear that it indeed was a suitable present! I can't wait to see how much it helps his work... And he even promised to see if he could craft a parasol for me. What a darling! If he manages, not only will the parasol be fashionable – as he has great taste – but it will most likely hide several hidden functions that will protect me from ne'er-do-wells. It could shoot a rainbow medley of flowers at them, blinding them with the sheer beauty of it all!

After the trip, Owain visited the Plaza. He's a rather clever monkey, clever enough to want a Voice for himself. Yet I wasn't sure how to help him, and I'm certainly not giving 5000 dinari to someone I don't know that well. I mean, the most obvious reason for not doing that is because he's a monkey. Yeah, that's what I meant to write. Anyhow, someone was stupid enough to insult him, and was covered in nasty funk as a result. People should respect monkeys more. Or something. I just think he looks absolutely adorable with his fez.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 24th

Useless.

That's how I feel like, of late... I wonder if I can be fired, even if I don't make a single mistake...? Just on account of not actually accomplishing anything of note. I guess I shouldn't expect respect, just more meaningless comments... If someone else is better at being a lickspittle, that's just fine. I just wish that they wouldn't attempt to dictate my fate based on whatever inadequate understanding of me that they have. How do you balance between doing your job properly and not taking it seriously? I don't know.

I suppose it's my own fault, at least partially... I keep exaggerating my simplicity so that people underestimate me, because that makes things easier... But it does have that downside of no respect... Whether from others or from myself. And in these moments where I lack self-respect, I make bothersome discoveries about myself... Such as the fact that I can down a dozen bottles of Baz'eel Blue before I vomit.

As for the respect I hold for some others... Sparrow read a story that she had written, at the Verdant Stage, and I was the only one to show up... People can be so cruel. They were probably off in some cavern, borrowing their heads for use as spider nests. The story was really good, and I enjoyed it a whole lot. Even if it was pretty sad, but sad tales have their place, too... I probably couldn't write anything melancholic, other than this garbage, and this is strictly for my own eyes only.

And onto another completely different topic, because I can't focus on anything at all... At least I had pleasant company for the evening. And I won't go into details about his appearance, because he was obviously handsome enough to garner my attention, and I tend to ramble... Anyhow, he was a nomad of sorts, very dedicated to Warad, and all. Plenty of tales, all of them his own, yet there was no bragging, no bravado, no egoism... The focus was on the events, told as if he merely had happened to be there, amidst them. Quite the talent. A talented kisser, too. And as always with such men, he was gone by morning... Yet in a far more respectful manner than most – if any – that I've met. Men like that just drift from abode to abode, sprinkling a little love where it's needed... I'm not sure if that is a sin or not. Gave me some momentary joy, at the very least.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 25th

Happy. Sad. Happy. Sad. Having so many mood swings is extremely tiring, but I suppose it's still better than not feeling anything at all...

The Sultan sent me a missive. Well, some intermediary of his did, anyway. They got my name wrong, or maybe my colleague is just nearsighted, or maybe Martin spilled some juice on it or something... Anyhow, at least I got a beautiful bijou out of it. A most tasteful ring, with an enchanted jewel... Thankfully my entire outfit doesn't have to match with one ring, because the jewel keeps changing color.

It's kind of interesting to see such influential people remember my name, to some extent. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. Kind of a sign that I'm doing something right? I guess? In a way, it's still preferrable to be an unknown factor in the background, but I suppose renown is unavoidable at this point. I should be assuming my office at this point, I guess, but I can't decide on the details. I spend hours on deciding what facial lotion I should buy, so, yeah. Something more important like that is going to take me a few years.

They still try to keep me and the other Scribes away from meetings, even though we learn of the details later anyway. Still, I get my payback for such in whatever way I can, so... If it means telling Odar that there is a meeting, so that he can sling puns at everyone there, then I'm willing to do that. He should get new material, though. I've heard that frog ale joke a million times by now.

Alecto going from Nadiri to Scribe is rather surprising. He did just fine on his first day, though, so there's some promise. More numbers does mean that we probably are going to have to begin rotating who attends to which Legate at some point... I'm usually the one who gets kicked out, so this is going to be really "fun". I'm just going to go out for a salad if they start doing that even more. Some crisis starts and I'm needed? You can just walk over to Mro Po's to find me, you should have thought about it real hard before you told me to leave.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 26th

Zain's looking for a black cat... The only one I could think of was the perpetually comatose one in the Souk. Yet even some tasty salmon couldn't stir him. Nor my salad. If someone placed a plate of salad next to me when I was sleeping, I would wake up immediately to eat it. Maybe that cat is brain dead. Or maybe it just wakes up whenever someone isn't looking. Or maybe it's a family of black cats that all sleep on the same barrel. Who knows? I just want to help Zain find the perfect cat... But I don't really know much about pets. I've never had one.

A cleric of Izdu was conducting some ethical questionnaires, about what you would be ready to do for the most important person in your life. Zain was ready to do everything for his! I wonder who he was thinking of? Whoever it is, he's really dedicated towards them. I'm jealous! I wish I was the most important person for someone. Then again, that sounds like a whole lot of responsibility. Maybe being the third most important has less duties involved.

The mound of sand in front of the Krak's entrance is a strange place. I get on top of it every now and then, to survey the surroundings. Which is to say that I can actually look tall folk right in the face without raising my head. However, I get really forgetful when I'm standing there. I think it's just particularly serene. I shouldn't do maths there, though. I wish I didn't have to do any maths. Camel statistics alone are awful. I wonder if our new Junior Scribes have to do that shit?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 27th

Some creep was apparently kidnapping old people, to sell them, or something. Thankfully they didn't do that to Marcellus. He is, after all, the most prominent old person of the Well. Along with Domergue, I guess. They could take to the Plaza, sit in their rocking chairs, and yell at passing youngsters... if they got along on some level. I think that's what old people do, anyway. They don't have much else.

They unveiled Lynneth's statue. It was very skillfully sculpted, a rather beautiful sight, as far as these sort of things go, anyhow. However, they only had cheap swill to drink! I don't drink ale, or whatever that other stuff even is. It was all awful. If you're going to hold such an occasion, you should have a wide selection of drinks, and you certainly shouldn't go for such gutter sludge. Also, you should ban any and all goats. Goats shouldn't be allowed to parties. Unless it's a goat party. I'm not sure what that would even be, maybe just a party where goats climb on stuff.

Domhnall was locked outside of Marcellus' office, and he was banging on the door real hard. Then he got in, and was promptly kicked out. I've known very few joys that were as monumental as that. Now if I get to see that happen to Marcellus, I can die a happy Scribe. You get your entertainment from very simple sources in this job, and such an ironic role reversal is like the grandest of plays.

I think Maddicus is losing it... Maybe he hit his head too hard. He keeps yelling vague threats, after which he runs off somewhere. Who knows where? He likely doesn't know himself, either. If he retires, I'm claiming his desk. It's simply perfect for nail care... I'd have to throw that boring book away, whatever it is about. Oh yeah... Domhnall asked me about my nail care routine, and I guess I'll have to send him a letter about it at some point. I think that's as important as state matters, anyhow.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 28th

I had a feeling that yesterday would be utterly boring and drab, so I just shut myself in my room, and got a bunch of writing done... I'd be extremely surprised if I was actually needed for something.

Anyhow, it was quite a productive occasion of isolation, as I was finally able to write the epilogue for Hardacre's first case... Epilogues are really difficult! I'm going to write it as the very first thing for the next novelette... Actually, that doesn't make much sense. Or does it? I don't know, I'm not a writer. But what I do know is that I won't try to write one chapter per day next time. That's just too much. I'll do one per week, instead. That gives people time to recover from my barrage of garbage, too!

I do have to finish that Prominent Figure profile, too... Those are even more difficult. I can't be too nice. But since it's someone I like, I can't be really mean either. I guess I could do a few more interviews to make it less biased. Then the meaner words come from someone else, and I'm completely blameless! I kind of hate interviews though. Professional ones, anyhow. I can never ask questions about things that I actually want to know. But you can't really write down their favorite food or their nightcap of choice in such profiles...

Speaking of nightcaps, I was really thirsty, so I mixed some Modan Port and lemon juice together... Very tasty! Kind of expensive though... If they had some cheap white port here, I'd use that instead! I occasionally mix some Blue with coffee, but that's not really a good nightcap... Makes me kind of jumpy. I think some rum or arrack might work better. Not that it would make me any less jumpier, but it would taste better. I love mixing drinks! The fruitier, the better!

I do wish that I could have as much variety in my diet, though... I just keep eating Mro Po's salads. I know that the Krak has turkey, but they never have it on the menu. I would pay... fifty dinari for some roasted turkey. Okay, maybe even a hundred. Prepared with the finest of herbs... A side of mashed potatoes and gravy... Now that is a dinner! It's so painful to write about, because I know I can't have it... I'll just have to beg Mro Po to prepare some baba ghanoush as a side for my salad. Maybe a few tears will convince him...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 29th

Why is salt so expensive here? Must be some really special stuff... I wouldn't sprinkle that stuff on my meals, I'd feel guilty for being so opulent... Being ordered to buy some felt kind of demeaning, even if I understood why. Then again being in charge of catering for the Pyramid would be far more pleasant than some of my current duties. Actually, I'd love to do that for the Embassy floor... If they let me take the leftovers.

Anyhow, I get a lot of compliments these days, but I'm realizing that if it isn't related to my looks, I don't really know how to receive them. I'm just vaguely smart, in extremely specific ways... Which still gives a slight edge against most people here, I suppose... But when someone praises something that I did, I don't really know why they're doing that. And it kind of hurts? Like if they compliment my manicure, I understand it, but if they compliment my work as a Scribe, I don't really get it. I guess I could quit and become a beautician, but it's the Well, and people don't care about how they look very much.

It's not all compliments though, because Anais said that I'm getting fat because I supposedly drink too much... Which is absolute bullshit! I made some measurements, and my waistline is thinner, actually! Sure, my thighs have gotten thicker, but that's all muscle... I do a lot of squats when I'm bored, and I'm bored very often... But I shouldn't care about what she thinks, since her beauty standards are so weird. If some orc would kidnap her, she'd faint out of joy. Also, wine is made out of fruit, so it's healthy. Healthy things don't make you fat!

I helped some new refugee with her deliveries. I wish I'd get to do that more often, but they tend to be so busy. I think those refugee facewraps might be laced with scorch or slice spice or something, because the people that wear them are usually running around like headless chickens. I like helping people, even though I'm not really any good at it... Or maybe I am. At least in this case. It's not like showing people around is particularly difficult. It's a very utilitarian tour, though, since I can't just show beautiful vistas to them.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 30th

Some creeps tried to pay me to sniff a gnome! I'm not a whore! Especially not a cheap one! I'm very selective, and therefore high maintenance... Wait, what the fuck did I just write? Anyhow, those two were a real strange pair of gnome sniffers, and then the gnome grew to the size of Boucher, for some reason. Then he tempted everyone by acting like he was about to jump off the Krak's roof, but didn't do it, because he's such a teasing piece of shit. I really wanted to see him do one of those jumps that jesters do, too. A couple of flips, straight into a barrel. That'd been amazing! What an utter disappointment!

And then? Meadow and Anais went on a date with that strange duo. Who sniff gnomes. I really have to emphasize this. They. Sniff. Gnomes. They're gnome sniffers! And for Meadow and Anais, this apparently means that they're the catch of the town. I have never before seen such an utter lack of self-respect and taste. Meadow went from Dustwink – who, I'd like to add, is a literal GLOOM GOD – to a gnome whose only hobbies are eating too much pork and paying people to sniff him. What's wrong with her? What's wrong with Anais? I will never forget that horrific sight! The Soot Lamp's mysteriously oneiric atmosphere has been ruined forever!

I guess other things happened too, but they all pale in comparison. Meadow made me more seedpods, and she's even going to teach me how to make them, next time. I also discovered that we're both terrible at maths! I'm going to ask Zain to teach me. It's really embarassing that I can just barely manage fractions! And what the fuck is a polynomial?! I thought a floor function was just whatever you use the floor for, like floor pillows... I hate maths! Whoever invented them should be arrested!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 1st

Senior Scribe... I like the sound of that. Sort of. I don't really care much for titles. What I do care about is... Keys! So many glorious keys! They didn't let me have any at first, and now I have at least as many as Martin does... Why does he have so many, anyhow? He probably ends up eating most of them, somehow. Anyhow, this will make my work much easier... And I now have a very convenient place to go for a smoke, since nobody's ever there.

The first Assembly in a while, and it was a curious mix of chaos and efficiency. I don't know how we ended up getting so much done in the end. I also got paid a lot. We should keep the agenda queue for that reason alone... But I'm sure that people will complain about it enough and I have to think of other venues of income again. Not that I'm destitute, or anything. On the contrary, I have very few things to spend my money on, since the merchants here only sell gaudy garbage. A house is still too expensive because of taxes, so I don't know what I'll spend my money on. I never pay during dates, either, so... I guess I might buy a kitten for Zain or something. Kittens are really expensive, right? They must be, with how cute they are.

And Narwen gave me a muffin! It was very tasty. I wish I had one of those banana nut muffins, though. Oh, yeah, she showed me a bunch of poems, too, that she had found... They were very good! I like those poems that are written from the perspective of the common man... Even though my beauty is not common in the least, I'm pretty common otherwise... I guess? Anyhow, the poems were kind of whiny, but so am I, so I obviously identified with them. The poems are about the Ticker Square, and it sounds like a weird and depressing place. I'm glad it's gone? I don't really mean that. I'm sure that some people liked it.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 2nd

I kept having nightmares about clocks chasing me. They had tiny mechanical hooves and everything. And razor-sharp teeth! That's some disturbing shit. I don't even like regular clocks, in the first place. I kind of just like letting time drift by. Who cares what time it is? Oh yeah, plenty of people do, including my bosses.

The saga of Domhnall's greasy visions is hopefully over, and we are all the wiser for it. If a strange greasy spirit tells you that there's kids trapped somewhere, you should probably listen to it, because it's probably telling the truth. And everyone else should just act as if that's perfectly normal and sane. Also, Domhnall isn't a hopeless drunk, he's just whimsical. I'm glad that those kids are all right. Mostly all right. Somewhat all right. They're alive. Hopefully their time as orphans won't be as rough as mine. I mean, I didn't have radiation burns as a kid, as far as I can remember, so they probably have it rougher already.

Domhnall taught me how to play Royal Dragon. I'm no good at it... I keep standing too soon, I think. Or that Upcard Slade is a dirty lying cheat! I had fun anyway. Lucrecia fell asleep at the table, though. She can't gamble because of her upbringing, or something. That's sad. Or maybe it just means that the people that raised her actually care about her. That must be nice. I wonder if a player can cheat at Royal Dragon? Just wondering. I don't want to lose my legs, after all.

From the plethora of my duties, I think I might enjoy these profiles the most, in the end... That might just be the wine talking. If I wasn't drinking so much during the interviews, maybe I'd hate it? Though I'm kind of getting used to them? They're still difficult, but I don't feel like fainting when I ask questions now. I wonder who will get nominated for a profile, next? I hope it's Nadiri Lucian Nailo. He's easily the most mysterious man in the Well! I want his life story! He has a certain je ne sais quoi to him! I think that everyone would flock to the Pyramid to read his profile!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 3rd

Scrollo's dead! They were the only talking scroll that I've ever known. Being a talking scroll must be a hellish existence, because they pleaded for euthanasia. Well, they didn't, actually... They just wanted to be thrown off a ledge so that they could fly free... But Kreutz threw them towards the Shade, from atop the Mount, and well... I kind of feel bad for not actually granting them their wish of writing my next work on them, but I've got a real bad case of writer's block, and hell if I can come up with a few hot descriptions of beautiful beaus in such a short time, or on such limited space. If my novelettes could talk, would people be all hot and bothered even more...?

Sometimes I hate having a lot of money. Instead of people who actually need it, I get rich creeps like Qari and his oversized manservant trying to woo their way into my coinpurse. Why the fuck would I need your help with my novelettes? People read them already. I think having them be recommended by the most infamous absentee of the Well would mean that less people would read them. I'm not doing it for the money, either. Not like a Gold could understand that... I write because it's fun... I write because I like making people laugh, or even just smile... And I write because I like describing hot guys.

I've been meaning to give some money to Lucrecia and Khalid anyhow, so having another excuse to do so meant that I actually remembered to do it. It's a lot of money, I suppose, but it's for a good cause. Both of them seemed really surprised. I guess I'm still enough of an asshole for that to be the case... And maybe I shouldn't admit this amidst actual charity, but I'd rather give my money to Anais and Meadow, than anyone in in the League of Gold. I mean, Mari doesn't need it, so... I'm kind of curious about what sort of harebrained scheme those two would come up with when granted proper funding. Not curious enough to actually do so, though, thankfully.

The sundowning grandpa kept talking as if I had written a report about the rescue of those children... So I was ordered to actually write it. So that he doesn't look foolish, I guess. If he starts yelling about how Bashir wrote a report about the Moonfolk invading and stealing his dentures, I'm not writing that shit. I'd just walk away, go to my room, and sleep on the couch, while the Fourth would bang on the door and yell questions about why the Purple Wanderer is trying to blow up the moon.