The Book of Big Bash

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 14th, IY 7789

Occasionally, even I know words... and managed to help Rynn through that knowledge! Well, it was Inky, really, reminding me about my notes. They're basically my dictionary, and secretary, and a bunch of other important roles. It's real helpful!

THY MEMORY IS LIKE A SPONGE. HIGHLY ABSORBENT, YET FULL OF HOLES!

Yeah? It's like, why I keep this diary, anyhow. Though I only write about the interesting stuff... so, I've got you for the utterly boring stuffs and things! I guess the word was sort of interesting, though...

IT WAS PIVOTAL! AN ABUNDANT ABUTMENT! THROUGH IT, CONTEXT IS REVEALED!

Oh, I guess it does do that... Oh well. It's not like anybody asks me about stuff like that. It's like, audits and taxes. And then they get real mad that I don't know the exact numbers, because they're utter bores. Like, you're going to forget them anyhow! Why do you care...? Anyhow, words are far more interesting than numbers, so, I guess I'd appreciate if I knew the entirety of the Colossi vocabulary! Though I'm not really sure what I'd do with that knowledge, anyhow... Like, I'd write some letters to the Ayyabas, maybe? Or maybe Alkab. I'd ask them a bunch of stuff, like, ancient recipes and such.

ALL THE DISC'S KNOWLEDGE AT THY GRASP, AND THOU WOULD ASK FOR A BETTER SHAKSHOUKA! SUCH SQUANDER!

Well, I could actually use that myself, and like I said, it's not like anyone ever asks me about anything useful, anyhow, so... at least it'd benefit our household!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 15th, IY 7789

Dreams are a real source of inspiration... my latest design was given to me through just them! And no, it isn't whale-themed, or whatever... It's unicorns, instead! Well, I dreamt about this herald, whom rode on a mighty unicorn! Mighty beautiful, that is. My dreams don't really have that sort of machismo, usually. A deeper beauty is found instead, granted by the juxtaposing qualities of androgyny! So yeah, the herald was hot, hot, hot! They just happened to be wearing a most striking outfit, too... the reconstruction of which I hope to be most pleasing to all the heralds of the Well! It's not the most abundant profession, but still...

I guess I could do something whale-themed... Hit that fatso demographic. Yet once you take that road, you can never return, so... nah.

It does make me wonder, however... It's my dream, but it came from somewhere...? So, is it truly my own design? It's not like I can remember the entirety of it all... It's just kind of a faint echo of what I think I saw in the dream, so, maybe that's enough for it to be truly original? Yeah, I think so. And well, everything comes from somewhere, so... if this isn't enough, nothing is! Yeah!

Anyhow, such dreams are simply pleasant. Now, I'm wondering if I should get an unicorn tattoo...? I've been considering tattoos a lot. Maybe a peacock! Or just go wild and get a whole lot of them... or maybe I should just maintain the natural look...? Motifs are important, and they're like, achieved only through maintaining them... I think. Oh, I'm just babbling, really! Mostly because I feel really good about this design! It's so grand!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 16th, IY 7789

As fun as tennis is, I really need a new hobby, because the more hobbies you have, the more relaxed you are. And I need to relax a lot! So, I'm finally picking up ballet, again. I guess it's not really a new hobby, because it's just a different sort of dancing, and I've tried it before...? Yet it's not like everything in my life has to be completely new. Anyhow, I got my ballet skirt, because like, it's far more fun spinning in a skirt, than just leggings? You kind of become a living dreidl. It's grand!

Also gives me an excuse to wear a skirt more, too... A true tailor wears all the articles of clothing that they make! You cannot understand style if you do not feel it... And so, by becoming a ballerina, I can learn how to make skirts that bear no restrictions on one's graceful motion! It just makes perfect sense, you know?

I've already got an idea for a new turn... I call it the "reverse pirouette"! It's like a pirouette, only you get up on one hand, and spin around, balancing on it! I'm already pretty good at it... I don't know why they don't already do this at shows...? It's graceful, and a great deal of fun! Also, it builds core strength... I think. So, you get at least three benefits out of it. That's pretty grand!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 17th, IY 7789

Orin's a real big nerd! Which is unfortunate, because he radiates that trait to such an extent, that now a big ol' bully has set his eyes on him! He was giving a lecture on magick... which, by the way, didn't actually teach any magick tricks, which is really lame... when this big ol' feller came in, and started throwing doo-doo at him! Actual poo! It was horrible! I tried washing him off with citric acid, but that didn't help any... It was some strong shit.

Didn't help that he soiled himself, too! So embarrassing... I'm not sure how he can appear in public after that...? It's perfectly understandable if he seals himself in the dormitory for all eternity after this!

I offered him some help on how to become less of a nerd, yet he refused! I don't get it. I don't even charge for my services! I'd have given him a training routine... introduced him to some strongmen... taught him a few healthy recipes... most of which involve grapes and legumes, because the powerful nutrients contained within wash away the nerd... Like, I'd have given him so much, yet he decided to stay a nerd, instead! I guess staying true to yourself is important, but like, can't you be like, just slightly less of a nerd? One of the rare strong ones... that get like, so obsessed about their exercise, that they make statistics about it...? That still won't get you any dates, but at least you'll look great?

I should ask Cogsworth to invent a poo reflector... Someone throws shit at you, and it bounces right back at them! Such a thing would come useful surprisingly often around here...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 18th, IY 7789

Back to winning... I suppose that's not a healthy way of thinking about it, but losing stings a lot! I was pretty doubtful, this time around... which wasn't helped any by the model that Haknar brought in! It was the courier, Najelin. She almost had a panic attack! Multiple times! So, I was pretty sure that she was going to vomit during the demonstration. Now, that might work for some avant-garde pieces, but this was very much traditional, knightly affair, so, no vomiting permitted! However, she somehow managed to find some confidence, eventually... or at least to fake it! So, she did an okay job, all things considered!

Otherwise, the show was complete chaos... and somehow, the least of it was the Goat Shaman setting... cold fire to the carpet? It was supposed to look fancy... instead, . I'm pretty sure that those carpets cost at least ten thousand dinars! What a waste! Anyhow, the absolute worst was this total travesty that Aurelio brought in. I'm not sure what to even call it, really. It was not an outfit. It was a mishmash of rags... the colors of which looked as if someone had vomited all over them after swallowing a painter's palette. The actual thing, not the flower. Oh, what a beautiful bud! Far more pleasant to think about! I need to get one for our home!

So, a success for myself, yet kind of a miserable failure on a more general level... but at least I got paid! That's grand. However, Jamileh keeps asking me for transcripts about my dreams? I don't do that. Why would anyone do that? Like, I get dream journals, but transcripts? You'd have to be a right-on boring to do stuff like that! It's not like I even remember most of it... it's just vague impressions. Like, most of which remains is probably just that... impressions that came later! I'm just going to tell her those, because it's all I have!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 19th, IY 7789

Yet another necromancer... Where do they keep coming from? And no, it can't be just the Sandstone, that's ridiculous! How do some of them manage to hide there, anyhow...? You'd think that those rabid dogs that they have would sniff them out. After all, everyone knows that dogs and necromancers are mortal enemies! Because of bones. They both like bones. Yet there's not enough of them for both!

He had a necromancer name, too. Like, they all do. It's all Barry Bonesniffer, or Ossie Osseous, or simply Sammy Skeleton. Stuff like that. Real obvious! It's like they're not even trying! Now, if you were to name yourself like, Fabian Fabliau, nobody would suspect a thing! They'd just think that you write scatological stories, instead! And that is still better than being a necromancer... What's in a name, anyhow? Do folk actually gravitate towards what their name indicates? Well, maybe some do. The utter bores, anyhow. It's like, far more interesting to have a contradiction there, rather than just the blatant...

Anyhow, he was promptly executed after discovery! Thank the heavens!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 20th, IY 7789

I had some leftover ranginak... I left to trim my eyebrows, and when I came back, it was gone! Vanished! I thought Tonka had claimed the tasty treat, but it was Inky, instead! What a scoundrel!

MINE EXPERIMENTS REQUIRED SUCH A DELICACY!

What experiments? What are you on about, now?

ANT EXPERIMENTS.

Wait a minute, is that why the sidewalk was so full of ants? Have you been feeding them? Don't feed ants, that just makes them get lazy! They have to work for their meal!

IF THE COMMON DESERT ANT CAN BE DOMESTICATED, THEY WOULD BE A MOST PRIZED ADDITION TO THE WELL'S LABOR FORCE. MANY A DIMUNITIVE INFRASTRUCTURE PROJECT COULD BE FINISHED IN FAR LESS SPATIO-TEMPORAL UNITS THAN EVER BEFORE!

That sounds completely useless! What of such size could possibly be of any use to us...?

TINY TOWERS.

Tiny towers?

TINY TOWERS. FOR BROWNIES.

Okay... Well, I'm not going to help this housing project of yours, not with my pastries, anyhow! You'll just have to use your allowance on it! And you also have to ensure that the ants don't become a nuisance!

THAT ALLOWANCE IS FOR MINE PAPERBACKS! THOU BAMPOT! THOU GANEF! THOU

Hey! Hey! How am I the ganef when it was you that stole my tasty pastry in the first place?!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 21st, IY 7789

Borb is quickly becoming a big ol' nuisance! It keeps playing tricks that are funny only to itself, and only itself... Well, I guess a floating janissary is kind of funny, but I don't approve of meat-based pranks, which are somehow worse than poo-based ones... Oh, that's what it did. It took control of the Chamber, threw all the janissaries into the air, and started secreting mauve and mellow yellow fumes! One of each for each door of the Chamber... I told the Astronomers that they had to choose, and quickly, and instead, they just spent all that precious time twiddling their thumbs about it, so, I had to go inside, first. I chose mauve, of course!

Probably because of all that wasted time, Borb got really annoying, and started throwing meat all over the place... I was horrified! Like, I don't like raw meat to begin with, so, having it tossed around out of the blue is simply terrifying. It didn't help that one of the gawkers... and there were many of them, since in such a tiny town just about everyone has to come and gawk, even if it's the very centre of governance and you really shouldn't be there... anyhow, one of the gawkers tried pissing in the Chamber! That's even more horrid than the stream of raw meat! Thankfully, they didn't do that... If they had, they'd be an eunuch, now!

I don't know what to do about Borb, myself... The Astronomers better figure it out! We can't have such prankery and tomfoolery happening in the Chamber, it's like, a totally important place. Pranks should happen in places that are the complete opposite of that... like student dorms. So, maybe Borb should go to the Sandstone. Pranks are just the norm around there!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 22nd, IY 7789

How grand ballet is... I feel like a swan in mid-flight during some of these moves! And well, I probably kind of look like one during a split leap! That's one of my favorites! Now, thanks to the blessing of Tavuskusu, I can even float down gently, afterwards... well, occasionally, it's not the strongest of blessings. I don't really know how that sort of stuff works, anyhow. However... Tonka keeps taking my ballet gloves! Well, one of them... She hides it, and expects me to find it! It's a game to her, and unfortunately, one of her favorite ones. I wouldn't mind if she wasn't so devilishly good at it!

It really has me inspired, and I might just start a new trend, based on it... Oh, not kitty-hide-the-object-and-seek... ballet! There's a great sense of style to it! If it can be casualized, I think there's a lot of potential to it... After all, why wouldn't you want to look like a fancy dancer, at all times? The slippers are so comfy, too... Well, perhaps not the best for desert travel, but for a stroll around town...? Simply magnificent! Now, I was thinking of what to name this new style, but then I kind of gave up on it, because who gives a shit about names? It's all about the aesthetic! The name is completely secondary, or even tertiary!

I still haven't found my glove!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 23rd, IY 7789

Quinoa threw a contraband hide at me! It was all bloody and ragged... How horrible! Thankfully, it landed before my stylish slippers, instead of on me. I think he intended it to be like, a rug...? He's a real peculiar one. I can't really figure him out. I would appreciate the gesture if there was actually any thought behind it...?

Which is just what was necessary to finish the order from Najelin! I thought I did a pretty good job... and she seemed pleased... yet afterwards, she didn't wear it at all. It's a labor uniform, and she seems to be working all the time...? So... she probably didn't actually like it. I'm not sure how to feel about that... I really need the money from these custom orders, but every now and then, it's just so obvious that they don't actually like it. So, it's labor for just the money, and nothing else... Feels kind of hollow.

Thankfully, I got some actual joy out of Jamileh's little order... She wanted her sleeves shortened! So, I did just that. Now, that task itself wasn't that joyous, because Jamileh's attire is completely flea-ridden. I had to have a big ol' bath right after. However... Jamileh's old sleeves made for great sleeve puppets! Simply attach a pair of buttons, stitch in a smile, and you have a funny face! Oh, and stitch the other end of the sleeve shut, too, of course... I gave them to these orphans, who simply loved them! So, that perked me up, a lot... Far more fun than snobby customers!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 24th, IY 7789

The Terrace pulled up...

the Sublime Sultan hopped out!

Well, I suppose it was far more involved than that, with a lot of geomancy and hydromancy involved. It sure was splashy, that's for sure! Kind of makes me feel insecure about my own entrances... but just kind of. I think I still prefer just, like, sort of strolling onto the scene, all casual? Now that's real keen... and something that Lucian has truly mastered! His entrances are so subtle, that his exits count as entrances for most people!

Anyhow, they gave me a medal... I'm not sure if I deserve one, because far more people did far more. I guess I saved some people? I guess. Getting medals is still mighty peculiar, and not something that I'm at all used to... besides ones given at beauty pageants! And I'm pretty sure those medals were stolen and it was just an excuse for creepy guys to oggle at true beauty for once in their ugly lifetimes. Whatever!

I also held a Princess' hand, again... Last time, they gave me a stern talking-to for doing so! Thankfully, the Sultan arrived after that, this time around... Now, even though my taste is painfully obvious, some folk are so oblivious that they just don't get it. Despite it making its presence known by basically screaming it from the mountain tops for everyone to hear! Yet some folk are blind, deaf and mute to such signs! The muteness is because they can't even talk about it!

Now, I'm already packing my luggage... My sarong and my flippy floppies!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 25th, IY 7789

Inky saw my beach preparations, and got absolutely ridiculous about it... They poured zinc all over themselves! They were white as a ghost, for a while... okay, it wasn't that frightening, looked more like they had robbed my pantry, instead... yet that is all that it takes to scare some people, like my neighbors! Nearly had a heart attack...

MINE FORM MUST BE SHELTERED FROM THE FOUL GAZE OF PRA'RAJ, AND THE ABHORRENT ABNORMALITY BAPTIZED AS "TAN LINES"!

You're mostly liquid, you dingus! You can't get them! Besides, they look hot, hot, hot... well, if situationed tastefully, and on like, actual people, instead of primordial pools of pigment, which, like I just said, can't actually get them, anyhow!

NAY! THE FADING OF INK IS, IN TRUTH, THE SAME PHENOMENON... MERELY IN REVERSE!

That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever! Fine, you can have a little zinc, just so that you shut up... But if you pretend to be a ghost again, you're grounded!

THE NARROW MINDSET OF PERSONAGES SIMPLY CANNOT PROCESS THE COMPLEXITIES CONTAINED WITHIN MY BADINAGE!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 26th, IY 7789

Some creep kidnapped Jamileh! It's horrible... She was so traumatized, that she didn't even want to talk with me about it, despite my many offers! So, I didn't push it... and spent the day as usual, instead. Some folk need a degree of normalcy to move on from such things? I think so, anyhow, I'm not a physician. You have to study like, ten years, to become one, and I've no patience for such!

Yet I couldn't really do the usual, because there was some sort of incident at Selwyn's hall...? I mean their old home. It was also the Torchbearer Hall, and a bunch of other places, I guess. I wish Selwyn had invited me for tea more often... Anyhow, there was a big ol' mess there, and they had to torch the place! It was absolutely terrible! So many memories, all burned to ash... Why can't things just like, stay regular, for even a spell, around here? Then again the regular here is the irregular, so, that wish doesn't really work out how I'd like it to...

So, it was quite an eventful day. What a pity that all the events were absolute shite! The only morsel of joy was seeing Haknar try to bribe someone with pastries! He nearly got them to agree, too... The allure of pastries can hardly be resisted! Yet I only have one a week, so, I'm pretty iron-willed!

Also... Tonka hid my ballet glove, again! I can't find it!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 27th, IY 7789

Why are some folks so opposed towards tipping...? Obviously, if you get paid a little extra money, then you have more money than you would've had without the tip! Supposedly, that causes employers to pay you less...? What nonsense! You obviously don't tell your employer anything about your tips, like, at all! That way, you get to keep all the money! It's just simple economics, really...

Of course, in my line of work, they're called bribes, instead, and I give all of them towards charity... Yet the approach is the same! Never tell anyone how many bribes you got, and never tell anyone how much charity you gave, despite the tradition! Why? Because if you're public about your good deeds, you get stuck in absolutely boring conversations with Lilies about the nature of charity... And even if you don't tell at first, but then do that when they accuse you of never helping anyone, then they'll get real annoying about it, like, "why didn't you tell in the first place, it's obvious that you don't actually do any of that", and then you obviously don't give them any actual sums, because why would you remember any of that, and then they ask where all that money is coming from, and it's a big ol' mess...? I gave someone a piece of parkin, and was accused of importing "foreign molasses"! It's a tasty treat, you dingus!

So, the best approach to charity is to never tell anyone that you're doing that, because then everyone is perfectly happy, except for contrarians whom nobody loves, anyhow!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 28th, IY 7789

Not much to write about, today... Not all of my days can be absolutely filled to the brim with intrigue! Just most! Like, a really big majority... Almost all of them! Today, however, was pleasantly quiet, and nothing bad happened! Inky just spent their day reading, instead of getting up to peculiar schemes... My guidebook to knots! I mean, I didn't write it, it's just mine in the possessive sense... There's hundreds of different sort of knots in that thing! I'm sure that absolutely nothing loathsome will come from their new obsession!

I tried coxcombing my packages, but nobody else got it, so, every single time, I had to explain it, and then they forgot the significance, anyhow, so, it was just a bunch of explaining...

Even little Tonka was a most courteous lady, today! Well, she's like that most of the time, but she didn't even get stuck on top of my oversized bookcase, or hide anything, she just napped all day long... The thing about the glove hiding, is that it's actually good practise... for tailoring, that is, because she's way too good at it, so, any hope of finding those gloves is simply scarce, and I can make a new glove in far less time! Oh, reminds me, I really want to make a ribbon for her, yet I'm afraid that she'd just hide that, as well!

Anyhow... I've got to say that it was a good day!