The Journal of Bashir Khatara

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 19th

Cavanaugh threatened Mro Po! Why would you do that to one of the nicest people, and easily the best chef, in the Well? What an asshole! It nearly caused a riot too, there were fireworks and everything. Then there was an improptu assembly, which was mostly about justice for Mro Po to begin with... Then they forgot about it and wanted to talk about licenses instead. I don't know why anyone would want to talk about them voluntarily. I've sold eighty of them and I certainly don't feel doing that! I wish people would stop spreading nonsense about our records, though!

There was a trial for Boops! They tried to accuse her of brooking, even though her releasing that giant, ancient (?) evil sibilant was an absolute accident! She still should've been more careful, I suppose... I mean, it is a giant skull, you probably shouldn't be reading any spooky runed attached to it... Anyhow, even though she was self-advocating, she was easily the most prepared advocate I've ever seen! No wonder the verdict said that she was not guilty!

I have so much work now... Everyone keeps asking me to do this and that... At least it pays well. I still wish that people would understand that it's just me and Aaisha that are available for these varied duties... Two people can't take care of everything!  Unless you want a really shoddy job, I guess. If it gets out of control, I'll just direct them to Martin. At least they'll get some entertainment out of it.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 20th

It's election season, again. It's the busiest time for us Scribes. There's interviews to be had, debates to be prepared and dumb questions from the candidates to answer. Some creep wanted all of the candidates to die, too... Except for Lucrecia. I guess they either like her, or have no idea who she is. That's sad. The latter part, I mean. I mean, I guess the first part is sad too, since she would be liked by a sociopath, then. 

I also interviewed Domhnall... I'm getting better at it. I guess? I can actually think up of relevant questions now. And I don't get distracted by, like, I don't know, a cat wandering in or something. Then again that didn't happen, so maybe I would've if it did happen. Okay, it would, because I need that cat for Zain. Anyhow, writing a profile for a Legate is so much responsibility. I hope that I can manage it well...

Other than that... Not much happened. Everyone was busy in the League offices, making a bunch of strange promises that will probably make the Well a worse place to live if they pass. Everyone except us Purples, I guess. I think we should have some actual meetings, too, but I sure as hells am not going to host them. Unless I can have a tea party. But then it would be a really boring tea party, since everyone would be talking about politics. Nasreen can take care of that, I suppose... I'm going to be busy with the interviews and possible debate anyhow.

Oh yeah, Dhoten was supposedly spinning in the air, puking up some worms and yelling out a prophecy of ill portent, but I missed it. Damn. I am so disappointed that I didn't see such a disgusting sight. I'm definitely not being sarcastic.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 21st

I really hate this job sometimes. Most of the time. I had to lie to Zain because of it. A tiny lie, but I've never felt so much guilt about lying ever before. The clandestine nature of some of these tasks is awful, even if I understand the "why" of it...

I was going to whine about a bunch of stuff, but then I got the news...

I was awake for most of the night, crying with the pillow against my face.

I don't feel like writing more.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Drunken scribbles on a sheet between some pages

don't have the guts to tell the only guy who's ever actually cared how you really feel how's that for cowardice so afraid of losing people that you don't even fucking make initiatives because you think that you'll lose it you don't have enough of a heart to love fucking coward

"only idiots dislike you" well that list grows with every day because while i try to help nobody even fucking notices and my personality is so radiant that it keeps anyone with sense away FUCK i just

ten thousand to the treasury ten thousand to the treasury ten thousand to the treasury and nobody gives a fuck could've used that money for myself and they wouldn't even fucking notice because they don't notice anything i do they just say their vague thanks and start yelling at me the moment i make one tiny mistake

the laborer needs a good shot of scorch after all that hard work thanks for that fucking insight it isn't like it's fucking demeaning and you have hundreds of workers laboring under you most of whom have never held a quill in their hand never mind the fucking needle why would he say that why would he

and they'll sell every piece of the pyramid to make a promise so why does it matter why does any of it matter when some upstart keeps making promises just to sit on the throne without gaining anything in return other than remaining in said seat how does that even fucking make sense they'll just remember you as a fucking fool WHO GAVE EVERYTHING AND GAINED NOTHING

act like everything's fine and they don't notice and don't ask any awkward questions not that they actually care when they do because every fucking body in this stupid fucking town has to have an angle and not ACTUALLY FUCKING CARE ABOUT PEOPLE ON ANY FUCKING LEVEL WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU I DIDN'T HAVE PARENTS AND I CARE MORE THAN YOU DO i should be declared the actor of the year because pretending that i do not despise every callous act that they do is like a spokes damned rusty nail ripping through my skin my heart my soul do any of you care no you just want more meaningless shit to build a legacy of garbage atop a throne so meagre that nobody else but you shall remember it good work

[close]

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 22nd

There is a certain art to saying that you're sorry. It is an even more laborious of a task to say it and mean it. The latter is fairly new to me. Who knows how many years I spent with people that raised offense just for the sake of doing so... Towards such opportunistic cretins, apologies are merely something to demand, something that affirms yet does not mend. Even if I do not wish for reasons to be apologetic, I am glad that I can do so with meaning... 

There is a certain harshness to saying goodbye. Especially when you don't know if they'll come back. You want assurance, the foreknowledge that everything will be all right, that nobody will be hurt. Yet if a goodbye didn't carry such worries, how much would it mean in the first place?

There is a certain dissonance to having events occur around you, and knowing that you couldn't have changed their course. Yet that resistance grounds oneself to the world, forcing you to be a part of it. If I could choose the aftermath of each and every occurrence, would they bear any meaning? 

There is a certain sadness to it all, yet I do not know if I could live without such sorrows without feeling hollow.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 23rd

Kayo's dead... Boucher too. Kayo seemed to have had a rough life, and not just because of those countless scars and bruises... Didn't enjoy crowds very much. I guess that necessarily doesn't mean that there's some trauma behind it, but... Anyhow, he really didn't deserve any of that... If the rumors I heard about Boucher were true, then his past didn't really show up in our interactions at all. He only yelled at me once, and apologized immediately. That's far better than... well, just about anyone else in the Well.

Maybe if I had funded Kayo, too, he'd be all right... I don't know. I really don't know. I want to accept it, and I don't want to accept it. I want to blame myself, but in the end, my part in stuff like this is so residual that I'm not sure if I should.

As for some lighter thoughts... I've been looking all over for some banana bread. Not just for me, either, I want to get Zain some. Admittedly my cravings tend to be highly specific... Like right now, I'd pay at least half a thousand for some chal, if I could get it immediately. It's so good... I like sour things... Well, I like all flavors, but right now I want something salty and sour in my mouth.

And now I want some musakhan... I'll offer someone thousand dinari if they get me some with some chal on the side... Why must food be so expensive...? Oh wait, I could probably get all of this for less than a hundred. I hate numbers.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 24th

I heard that Narwen went back home! I didn't even get to say goodbye! It's awful... I really like spending time with her... I'm going to write her a letter. Figuring out which perfume to use will be tough, since she's such a bundle of personality, and I have so many different ones that are nature themed... Since Narwen can talk with flowers, can she talk with my perfumes, too, if they used them as ingredients...? Or is that like talking to a really residual corpse...? Maybe I shouldn't think about that too hard.

Martin von Boiren and his gaggle of bald idiots are trying to bring moteism back! I didn't know that so many people in the Well wear wigs, but membership in the MRA is a certain sign of baldness! There's also a strong correlation with membership and being a lazy, fat fuck too! Martin von Boiren's office smells of pork fat, which I don't think is just a coincidence, either... I hate prejudice! Anyone who hates gnomes should be shot out of a ballista into the desert! But since they're so fat, it would have to be a really big and sturdy ballista! It should be illegal to be fat, so such expenses wouldn't be necessary!

Also, I learned a new word... Shaadenfirouzeh. It means to take pleasure from the suffering of others! It sounds like a fancy academic word, so it must come from Baz'eel. I don't think I want to go to Baz'eel if they get pleasure from such things...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 25th

I wish I knew magic... Powerful mages can just float around like it's nothing. Maybe that's really bad for your legs, though? Worse than sitting, since you're using them for absolutely nothing? Who knows?

Cawford is a peculiar familiar. He keeps flying around town, looking for scrolls and shiny things to eat. Thankfully it's magical scrolls, so my complete lack of magical knowledge is actually useful for once. By protecting possessions that I do not have from being eaten by a magical seagull...? I don't know. His mistress, Miranda, is really nice. Really sleepy, though. A lot of people are sleepy here. Even Naelin, and she's an elf!

I really don't like Jamileh. An excavation goes wrong, plenty of people almost die, and she blames it on "stupid remarks" and a lack of "gravitas". How does that make any sense?! Barely anyone said anything during the entire trip! I know that it was mostly pointed at me too! I was just recording things quietly, how would it be my fault?! She can go fuck herself! I'm going to ask someone else to be assigned to that task. Almost dying is bad enough, but then getting blamed for that, along with the risk towards others, when I was just doing my fucking job silently, is way too much. Have fun finding another Scribe who's willing to do the job, bitch!

Though... Lately people have been doing our jobs for us, so this assignment was kind of one of the only things left that others can't do. I can't answer questions about the Pyramid, because some arse will start answering them immediately before I can, I can't interview the candidates, I can't host a debate, I probably won't be selling licenses within a month... They aren't even getting paid to do those things, so it's really weird. I suppose some idiot will volunteer to do the profiles for free next, or transcribing the meetings... Soon the only duty left for us will be to be Martin's caretaker. What a nightmarish thought.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 26th

I think Marcellus forgot which League he's in! He's so old! I don't want to start attaching notes to things just so that he doesn't forget what they are... How do you forget that, anyway? You were directly assigned to the seat by the League after Zaniah croaked! Old age must be hell for humans! Anyhow, I hope that us Hin don't age that badly. I want to live until I'm 153! I'll become a wizened cave dweller and share ancient wisdoms to youngsters that pass by. Hopefully I'll share the cave with him... Actually living in a cave sounds fucking awful, I don't know why I would even dream of that. I guess I'm just going by what the future looks like right now. It might just be all caves and dwelling in them.

I was interviewing Domergue, and Martin interrupted it... He does that a lot. Interruptions in general, I mean. He started crying so I threw a kerchief at him. That just made him look like a kerchief ghost, running around like the least spooky spirit ever... Then he hid behind the bookcase again. I'm not cleaning it from his tears... And then, some mage teleported me and Domergue to the Tower of Q'tolip! The mage didn't even tell us why! How rude! If I knew magic, and had important enough business to do that, I would tell people why... But mages are highly irresponsible... Why must everyone else know magic but me?

Also Shum keeps insisting that he's been practising climbing and such... I don't believe him for a second! If he did train, you certainly can't see the results. Maybe he just read a book about all that. Some things can't be learned from books... If he had as much strength as he does manners, he could climb any mountain with one hand!

Anyhow, why doesn't he just cast a spell to levitate...? Maybe that's not a spell that all mages know.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 27th

Maybe Jamileh isn't so bad... She apologized. Usually the people that've made me angry just avoid me, by finding convenient excuses to go elsewhere when they see me. I'm not sure why! I'm not that scary when I'm angry... Sure, I won't talk to you, and I'll keep glaring at you, and I'll make sure that you'll never have any meaningful relationships ever again, but... Wait, I guess that is somewhat scary, actually.

They made me an advocate! I had to defend Bai Fang, and... Jugs? I think his name was Jugs. Anyhow, I utterly failed the case, despite a lot of people saying I did a good job... Maybe it was good that I failed, though, since Bai Fang transformed into a giant serpent's head after she got executed...? Or maybe that could've been avoided. I don't know, I don't understand sibilants, or cultists, or anything that happens here, really... Poor Jugs, though. He seemed so young. For an elf.

Xon split into multiple copies of himself! Or something like that. I don't really get it, either. His copies varied in size, and some of them just spun around the Pilgrim wildly... Then they flew off towards the stars. So weird... But since so many weird things happen around him, maybe it'll start feeling normal at some point...? I mean, he must be used to it himself, by now...

Boops changed her name! She's Bea now! Well, Beatrice. Beatrice's an old woman's name...  She could've called herself... Bonnie Margo! That's like a folk heroine's name... "The Collected Adventures of Bonnie Margo"... That would sell like grumblecakes, based on the title alone! Beatrice Margo sounds like a librarian... It's her choice, in the end. At least "Bea" is a cute nickname.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 28th

I'm used to Xon spinning in air by now, but this time he also made Jamileh spin around! I want to try it, too... It looks like fun... But because fate is unfair, I'll probably just get punched by one of his clones, instead... Then again spouting strange prophecies seems like an awful amount of responsibility, and I don't want any of that! People would just blame me when their content actually happens!

And speaking of his clones... After that, Xon was pelted with dung! Because he's weird and his clones are getting up to no good, now. He's getting more attention for them than Kreutz ever did! He must be so jealous! I'm so thankful that I don't have clones... There's room for only one Bashir on this Disc... The world could not withstand so much beauty!

Some follower of Warad keeps running around, wearing nothing but a loincloth, and a cloak... It's so distracting. He says that Warad protects him from the gaze of hateful Pra'raj! But I know the truth... He probably just put on some lotion, and he enjoys distracting people! What an arse! Why can't some strapping elves get up to nonsense like this...?

Otherwise, it was a pretty ordinary day... I feel somewhat more comfortable about Zain, because he has a gun now... That he can't use... Because of the ancient Ashfolk vows of pacifism... Okay, so I guess that doesn't make me feel that comfortable. I wish I had a gun. I'd point it at the dickweed who keeps threatening him!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 29th

Fowabo led a band of adventurers against the orcish forces, and Hu Prak wanted me to come along to record the events... So I did, out of the sheer respect that I have for the man. It was really scary. Hundreds of orcs, all huddled up together, arrows flying above our heads, gaseous spells that stole your breath, fireballs exploding just next to you... Somehow I managed to avoid getting hurt. Being a waterboy is stressful work. Really expensive, too!

Domhnall made Ibn Ghalish his Prelate... Which I suppose is his idea of a spiteful joke, or something. Aaisha and Frederica were having heart attacks over it... I just don't give a shit anymore, since nothing I do at work matters much... Considering that Domhnall and Ibn Ghalish don't agree on much, it'll be really interesting... Prelates don't really have much power, though. Also, Ibn Ghalish said that I'm "alright", which I'm not sure how to feel about.

Some rotund gnome wanted people to hold a debate... So they did. It was pure chaos, and it was mostly just Ariel asking a billion dillion questions. I'm relieved that I didn't have to moderate, though... I like preparing beforehand for stuff like that... And I was so tired from writing articles, too! I did have a question, but I didn't get to ask it. I was going to ask what the two candidates think about Cawford. It would've been a good test to see if they're sociopaths or not...

I still haven't written Narwen that letter... Choosing a perfume for her is one of the most difficult things I've had to do, ever!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 30th

Why must playing matchmaker be so difficult?! I nearly got fired for it, too... I thought people got suicidal in such situations only in the shoddy stories I read, too! Maybe they actually are properly researched... I know that to be true of my writings, anyhow. I spent like five minutes in the Astronomers' lobby to discern that they are indeed obsessed with the color blue, for example. I also asked around about interesting islands on the Sea of Pearls, and there indeed is a island with goblins on it. It just isn't called Goblin Island, and there's no ferry there. But you must take a few creative freedoms here and there to write a story that captures a generation...

And I can't stress this enough... I really am ready to do a whole lot of things for the sake of love! I've got reasons! Ephia's Well is a shithole, and so is the Disc as a whole, so if I can foster a little bit of love here and there, then I'll do it! Love is beautiful, and it's one of the only good things left... Anyone who doesn't recognize that is a fucking moron! If you aren't ready to make a few sacrifices for the sake of love, then what are you living for!? Absolutely fucking nothing! If the world can't be saved, then I'm going to just make as many people as possible feel love, even if it's for a moment!

Domhnall dumped his eels in the Pyramid's fountain... Well, the one on the ground floor, anyhow, we have multiple fountains. I think we're supposed to take care of them. I don't know what eels eat. Algae? We don't have any... Domhnall probably should've told me, since he's the eel aficionado... Why eels, anyway? They're kind of cute, I guess, in an extremely weird way. But they taste better in a pie than they are adorable. I wonder if he'd notice if I snatched a few for my breakfast...? Probably. I won't risk it.

Also... Ibn Ghalish called Aaisha his slave... What a creepy asshole!

His promise of no Assemblies ever again was tempting though!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Kanön Hray 31st

I wonder if there's actually anything between us...? The way he said it still leaves room for something in the future, but I don't know... Didn't even feel the usual twist in my heart when he said that... Instead it's something worse. Uncertainty. If I had a modicum of courage, I'd just ask, but... I know I'd shut myself in my room for at least a week if he said no. On some level  I wish that I could just return to not caring about anything at all...

And I guess I could write about something amusing that happened, like Hu Prak wrestling Xon, or Sol Auk coming back, but... What's the fucking point...? I don't really feel like it. Lately I've just felt absolutely meaningless, and everything that happens seems to just remind me of how utterly stupid I am, and how terrible of a person I am... And how I am so dependant on small joys and little pleasures, and how easily they are lost...

Lost...

I get lost in the act a lot. I think I'm happy sometimes, but I'm not sure. Maybe I'm fooling myself. But I think I do feel happy, with some people... I just wish I could spend more time with them. And that I could just be myself with them... If I even knew what that self is like. I don't know why I throw in the fillers. But I feel more comfortable when I do. I do remember doing it before I came here. Vaguely. Maybe it's what I actually am like. A ditzy idiot. I just think that I'm smarter than that in private... Maybe.

I wish self-reflection was as pleasant as looking at my actual reflection.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 1st

Radislav had the same exact outfit as me when he was arrested... How embarassing... Now I can't wear it for at least a year... Maybe a month is fine...? I knew I should've bought the more expensive fabrics...

Someone left a living rat inside the Souk's charity chest... I opened the chest and it stared at me, and I shrieked really loudly... Thankfully there was nobody else around...

I wanted to buy a pumpkin pie, but nobody brought me any... I did buy new sheets and pillows...

I can't think of anything else to buy, since nobody will sell me a cat... Maybe if I finish every sentence with three periods, I can waste enough money on ink so that I actually have something to spend it on... That seems really slow, though...

At this point, if I actually manage to find a cat, I'm tempted to keep it for myself... Well, I couldn't do that to Zain, but... I'm really, really, really lonely... At least a pet would pay some attention to my existence beyond my work....

Narwen came back, but I was so embarassed about not writing her a letter that I didn't want to talk to her too much... I can't even manage to write letters to friends...

But she still hugged me.

She's a fantastic friend.