The Journal of Bashir Khatara

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 16th, IY 7788

His arms are now so bruised that you can just barely see their natural pale. All of it self-inflicted... A sad sight. Not an unfamiliar sight, yet bleak, nevertheless. I don't know if nobody else cares, or if they just don't know. And I don't know whether I care too much or too little...

I don't know how to help him. He doesn't want to be helped. Not directly. What he wants and what he needs are completely different things. I suppose that's how it is for most people. Including myself.

And how could I help him, anyway? Most advice I give is either completely incorrect, completely uninformed or simply goes completely unheeded.

And I feel guilty, because on occasion I've questioned whether it is actual distress, or a calculated act, or some farrago of both. Such is my past. Date enough pretentious artists and you start doubting whether any mental malaise shown to such an extent is an act of manipulation, or a genuine cry for help.

I know that is a terrible thought, but then again I'm also a terrible person.

The less I think about such things, the happier I am. Yet the longer the dance of willful ignorance lasts, the worse the guilt feels when the steps are interrupted by the last call.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 17th, IY 7788

Why do the schemers always come to me at the very last moment during these elections...?  And the promises they offer to me are always so meager... Even the freshly arrived refugees are wined and dined! Not that these people ever have anything that I want... They might say they do, but it's never very convincing. And then they get angry when I say I'm not interested! What do you expect when I'm the very last person that you come to?

Could at least send me some shiraz... Even random guys I've only met once have bought me shiraz... Though that's been for completely different reasons.

Anyhow... Narwen told me about some chalk star that keeps changing color. Chalk Scraper...? Something like that. It shifts between blue and white. Chalk's just white, though... These names are all so nonsensical. If I was discovering stars, I'd name them all after relevantly colored flowers! The closest flower that I can think of for this star is blueshine... And that's just both colors glowing at once. Maybe the names are such nonsense because naming stars is just as hard as discovering them...? I don't know.

Richo invented some jumping boots! He was really excited about them, and suggested that I try bouncing off a palm tree with them... Which sounded fun, so I did! The force from the springs was so powerful that I flew from the Pyramid's terrace all the way to the roof of the Gold offices! Thankfully my rump softened my landing, because I could've gotten hurt really badly otherwise... It was still really fun. I think you should wear padded pants when using such gadgets, if you aren't as posteriorly blessed as I am!

Richo's so resourceful... Perfumes, curious gadgets... How does he have manage to do all of that while running, though?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 18th, IY 7788

I really want to spend time with him, but my thoughts just always, without fail, wander off to his bruises... And I feel so, so conflicted, because I want to say something about it, to help him, but I just feel like if I do that I'll just make things worse, and if I ignore it, well, then things'll get worse on their own...

He said that I'm kind, but I don't know if I am. I do want to help people, but I'm not sure if that is enough to count as kindness... If I knitted socks for the refugees outside the gates, would that be kind? Someone would just yell that I'm doing it for attention, and that I should give all of my possessions away, even though nobody is actually doing something like that... But I guess I shouldn't pay heed to people shouting from the sidelines.

Pirouz brought me some basbousa... It was absolutely delicious. I sort of wanted to ask him what he'd do in my position, but we haven't known each other that long, and it is... well, it is a really private matter. So, we just talked about fashion and such... Which was very welcome, but there's still a tinge of guilt to all this. But what can I do? I could offer my shoulder a second or third time, but what good would that do?

Anyhow... I also reached two hundred points in Efuddy. I wonder if I can exchange them for anything? Maybe a flag with the Sandstone's heraldic animal on it... I don't know what that is. Probably a potato. A giant potato man. A potato isn't an animal, but a potato man is. Probably.

All the men of the Sandstone are potato men, come to think of it.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 19th, IY 7788

Today I find out whether or not Marcellus is going to stay as my boss... After six months, it'll be really weird not seeing him at the Pyramid, if he ends up losing. I guess retirement's the better option for his mental health, because the position is such a strain on it that even the most willful of people end up a bit batty. Then again, he has the best medicine for mental scars, already... Dementia!

If someone else wins, it's going to be the usual rigamarole... People lining up for hour-long meetings, with the Astronomers at the fore. And then they'll probably complain that whichever greenhorn we have isn't taking care of business quickly enough... Which will be due to the fact that they don't actually know how to take care of business, because they skipped the tour from us Scribes! And if one of the Princesses shows up, these self-entitled jerks will be offended that literal royalty takes precedence over their neighbor smoking too much mizzar or whatever other meagre issues they have!

I'm going to dunk my chip in a glass of water if either of the other two claim the seat... Ariel yells so much on the bellows, and she'll do that even more whether she wins or loses... If Castella wins, it'll be her and Ibn Ghalish yelling for at least a week or two! If it isn't being done already, scarecrows should have chips attached to them at all times! The horrid shrieking would keep any and all hungry birds far away from those tasty crops!

I wish I had some castella... None to be found here, though! I guess I could make it myself. I'm a terrible baker, though... I wish I wasn't! I want to bake and cook for my future husband!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 20th, IY 7788

Marcellus lost... Why are some people in the League of Purple, anyhow? I just care about dancing, mostly, and I'm somehow more loyal to the League line than they are. Should just kick them out... Not that I care that much, but if you're going to join some association, you might as well... associate?

Castella's and Domhnall's first joint decision was to have a meeting with no Scribes... Which is always a great sign. I mean, if you don't want us to do our job, that's fine, we still get paid...

So, I just played Royal Dragon, instead. And went for coffee... Browsed the stalls at the Souk... Stared at the giant chunk of salt at the Sandstone's museum... Tried to make sense of Nadiri Naughty's paintings... Had a few smoke breaks...  Practised my warp and weft... Took a nap with Tonka... Dabke...

All of this was far more pleasant than my job.

And... Why am I a Scribe, anyhow? Plenty of people have asked me if I'm going to stay, and I don't really know why I would? I'm not going to get a promotion, or even a tiny raise.  The lobbyists and the dividends from my books pay far better. Not really much point in working so hard when I could be doing something I actually like, instead, and actually get paid for it.

Yet... Maybe it's just a naive wish, but there's still a chance – if ever so unlikely – that if I keep at it, they'll transfer me to Baz'eel, or to Alkab. Whichever. Somewhere more pleasant. I don't think I can manage either with my current income, certainly not Baz'eel...

Maybe surviving a two Lily Legate regime looks good on a resume.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 21st, IY 7788

Fuck Domhnall, and fuck Castella too! Try and force me to tell my wages? Last time my money was public knowledge, I got stabbed multiple times. And all this extra work, for a mere pittance? I have over a hundred licensees in my records! Now I have to check all of them over and over again each and every month, and juggle with multiple dates, all of which have to be recorded and checked and rechecked and triple checked...

I have no idea where he got the idea that I'm rich from, and why he keeps on repeating that bullshit to whomever that happens to be there... If he actually saved some money, instead of giving it to each and every scorch-head that happens to pass by his office, he'd have far more than I do. I can't even afford to buy a house, because I'd be out of money within two months. That's the definition of rich here? Grand.

Why does he give it to scorch-heads, anyhow? I think if someone actually destitute, someone in actual need, came by, he'd just tell them read Asterabadi, or something. Maybe he thinks that they'll give him some dirt in exchange.

And this idiotic plan is so full of holes that I had barely any answers to give to the first one to ask about renewals... Poor man couldn't afford it. Castella is a dumbass! Not every merchant makes as much as he did! How is a ragpicker supposed to afford 550 dinar a month?! The Banda is going to start selling Krak trade contracts for cheaper than that, or everyone will just start going to the Creep to trade, and then these two knuckleheads are going to be wondering why there's a sudden upsurge in Wyrmists...

Also, Narwen is yellow, now! Well, she glows yellow. It's a really garish yellow, too... I feel so sorry for her. Why couldn't she have turned mauve, or teal, or a tasteful coral orange...? I actually don't know why this happened. Do all Spring Elves go through such a change after they reach a certain age? Maybe it's related to their soul? Does Narwen have a yellow soul?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 22nd, IY 7788

I get so many letters these days! So many that I haven't even read some of them... Well, actually, I already wasn't doing that for some, and it had nothing to do with the quantity. Their envelopes just hint of utterly boring contents, which I don't want to read! Most of the official mail I get is exactly like that... If it's so important, why aren't your envelopes more stylish?

Anyhow... I better get through this letter pile, and reply to some... Otherwise, I'm just going to forget... I forget a lot of things! Like my own birthday. I don't remember when it is! I think I'm going to have to decide on a day, just so that I can have a party that's all about me every year! It's difficult, though, because you can't really have preferences, living here...? It's just hot, all year long. I was lucky enough to witness actual autumn before I came here, and it was simply wonderful. But would there be any point in designating it to the fall...? Palm fronds are always green! Except when they rot, or get pests, or anything disgusting, really, but I don't want disgusting colors! I want that moody fall attitude!

Oh! The letter pile! Now I'll actually get started on it!

A Scribe and His Client

To the Head Clerk of the Office of Current Affairs,

My great grandmother's oldest cat, Mishmish, is having her 33rd birthday. I do have to emphasize that it is Mishmish's birthday, not Baboosi's, who is her second oldest cat, and only 31 years old. As dearest Mishmish is such an important part of our community, I would like to have several fliers printed out and about the Well, informing Ephians of the jubilant occasion. Baboosi is likewise a most influential feline figure, indubitably, yet I do have to reiterate that it is not his birthday.

Please contact me with your rates. Charity is, as always, to be expected.

Mansur al-Mansur

P.S. Again, I do have to restate this, as it is rather important: Mishmish is having her birthday, not Baboosi. This is a very common mistake that some rather ignorant people make, for some absolutely absurd reason, even though the difference between these two esteemed felines and their birthdays is self-evident.

Mansur al-Mansur,

the current rate for feline birthday fliers is 200 dinar. 300 dinar if you want a cute illustration. 400 dinar if you want them hung around the Tablet, too. For 1000 dinar, even the neighboring city states will be informed of your great grandmother's beloved cat's joyous day! I wish Mishmish a happy birthday! Baboosi, too, whenever he has his!

Also, is Mishmish a housecat? A previous client had a "tame" dune cat, and her birthday was not received very well. These sorts of details are rather important.

If you find the rates agreeable, please send a reply regarding which package you wish to sign a contract for, alongside an elaborate description of Mishmish.

Senior Scribe Bashir Khatara
Head Clerk of the Office of Current Affairs

[close]

An Author and His Agent

Bashir,

Congratulations, darling!

Hardacre's selling like babka in Frostport. Don't know why for certain, but they are your most loyal demographic. Must be your writings getting them all hot and bothered. Now, if you want to keep that loyalty... Ahoy! Sail forth to Frostport! Sign a few books and shake a few hands! Praise the local cuisine! Nod thoughtfully when they tell you about their history! Readers love that type of shit. Expenses paid by the Press, naturally.

As for a more personal question... Are you betrothed? Got a ring on that finger? What's the story there? Not propositioning, mind you. Your inclinations are really obvious. Need it for your author profile. No need to tell the truth, of course. It is a statistical fact that bachelors and bachelorettes move more books. Hopeful gents and confused lasses just might buy your books simply because they think they have a chance with the bewitching Bashir!

Do give it a thought!

Hadas Apter-Ziskind

Hadas,

I'll think about Frostport. The people there are lovely... except for the fey, they've tried to stab me multiple times... but you really have to dress for the weather, and I really don't like layers that people can't see! Feels like I'm wasting fine fabrics!

Does the profile really need that? Fine. Mark me down as 'single', I guess. I'm seeing someone, but it isn't too serious. Yet, at least.

If I do go to Frostport... Can you also arrange a trip to Alkab for me, after? I don't know if Hardacre's popular there, but if he isn't, then it's the perfect opportunity to introduce them to the handsomely beautiful detective! The accommodations don't have to be fancy... I enjoy the rustic allure of the countryside!

Bashir Khatara

[close]

The Two Dandies

Bashi!

Have you seen this thesis!? I know, I know, you hate theses, but this one's absolutely hilarious! It's all about goblin buggery! You have to read it!

I've got a shipment of sea wool, too! You simply must see it! It is a feast for all of the senses!

Cordially,

Pirouz

Rouz,

I have read that! Well, not all of it, I just skimmed through it and looked for the highlights... Of which there were many. It was gross and funny at the same time! You could call it... fouledy...? Whatever. I don't know who's the worse freak here, Jamileh or the goblins!

Sea wool?! How did you get that? I want to see it so badly! Let's meet as soon as possible!

In fact... Pilaf sometime this week? You can show me after!

Best wishes,

Bashir

[close]

Timur Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Timur,

I miss the sweet taste of your lips. And I have just the right thing to sweeten them even more... The finest Alkabi shiraz. A bottle of it is waiting for you at my lovely abode, if you are daring enough to join me.

Why does the sign by your door say "Bashir's"? Is he your roommate? Or your boyfriend? It's fine if you have a boyfriend. Is he as cute as you?

Reply if you two want to have a good great time.

Cenk

[close]

Dare to Dream (and Shop)

Scribe Bashir,

your request is ludicrous!

No, we do not happen to carry yarn which "flutters through the whole spectrum of the rainbow". That is simply unthinkable, and it would also be deeply distracting!

My impertinent grandson has just informed me that such is supposedly possible. Through magickry!

As a humble spinner, I know naught of wizardy or other bewitched burble!

We still carry the camel hair yarn that you so cherish. Get that enchanted, or whatever diablerie it is that those wicked witches do! Same price as before. Discount if you bring Tonka along! 

Hana Hakakian

[close]

Inky's Lament

Honored I. Impetuous,

Thank you for showing interest in forming a mutually beneficial partnership with Bottomless Books. However, we regret to inform you that we are not currently looking for works which exhibit such abstruse qualities as your most recent output does, and as such, we have no interest in signing a publishing contract with you presently.

While it certainly must have been an honor to work alongside an author as increasingly popular as Mr. Khatara, the chapter which you wrote was rather ill-received. One critic called it "avant-garde to such an extent that it advances head first over a cliff, thankfully with no followers". In fact, some questioned whether or not you exist at all, or if Mr. Khatara was engaging in some form of metaliterary humor, which he has a penchant for. We were quite surprised to receive a letter from you.

As difficult as receiving constructive criticism may be to a budding artist, and as likely it is that it will be interpreted as an order to "tone it down", we have a few suggestions for you that would assist you in growing your market segment, or, in fact, allow you to attain one in the first place. First. In the future, you should refrain from writing in fully capitalized orange lettering. We are not certain what the goal of this choice of style is, but the tripartite family of novels, novellas and novelettes is no place for it. With the addition of illustrations, such a style could perhaps work for an illuminated manuscript – their contents are often as esoteric as yours. We do not publish illuminated manuscripts.

Second. Your vocabulary is, to put it candidly, simply strange. It resembles the jargon of philosophical works, which we no longer publish. In a move which we now recognize as an obvious mistake, in the past we published one philosophical work about the "inherent homoeroticism of Asterabadian revolutionarism", the sales of which were so low that we we were forced to burn the surplus to make room for more popular items, such as the ever beloved Twinkle Troupe series.

Third. We publish books for a very specific audience, one that desires adventure, mystery and sensuality, all three of which simply happen to take place in the lives of virile inamorati. Your ideas regarding love perhaps possess some appeal among the academic circles, but they are by far our smallest subdemographic. For the majority of our readers, your writings are simply far too tame.

Since you are acquainted with Mr. Khatara, please inform him that Bottomless Books is most interested in signing a publishing contract with him, as soon as his current one with Pariah Press is terminated. We are certain that he will find our terms far more agreeable, and we have no interest in interfering with Mr. Khatara's creative output, which, according to our research, Pariah did in a quite intrusive manner.

Good luck with your literary pursuits.

Paolo Petrosino
Acquisitions Editor for Bottomless Books

[close]

His Doctor, Vijaya Bollimunta

Bashir.

Perfect humoral balance. Again. How? A mystery. One hypothesis. The exact quantities of pipeweed and wine that you consume conjoin into the perfect apophlegmatism. For your ousia.

Before you reach for your encyclopedia. Apophlegmatism means humoral medicine. Ousia means dravya substance. Your eternal being.

The labor. Please reconsider. Focus on writing. Be happy for once in your life. Respect yourself.

I enjoyed Inky's chapter. Please let them know.

Humoral makeup of felidae is very different. I do not have a degree in veterinary medicine. You can still bring her over.

You must bring her over.

Doctor Vijaya Bollimunta.

[close]

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 23rd, IY 7788

Sephidra's grand "plan" of having every refugee sleep in whichever ditch they can find sure worked out well... Those poor people. Died over a few handfuls of grain... It's almost like these things have to be actually prepared and planned out before they are spoken of, because rumors of shelter spread like wildfire in times like these, and when the truth is vague, so is the semblance of hearsay... Maybe have something of substance prepared? Just something? Instead of pointing to a pile of broken glass on the pavement and telling them that they live there now? These bleeding hearts who have never known squalor have no idea what the refugees actually need...

Yesterday's events killed far more people than any ash storm would've. I'd wish that she'd become painfully aware of that, but that's an exercise in futility.

And how many times have I told people that the Stadium belongs to the Gold, and had people ignore that...? Why do you even ask me something if you're just going to ignore the answer? They're going to try and move the refugees there anyhow, and some fat Gold official will probably block the path to the Stadium with the sheer volume of his corpulent form. And if they make it past him, then there's the fact that it's mostly just a giant pit, surrounded by packs of hungry lions. What a quaint place to live. Especially if someone opens the gates by accident.

"Hey, Bashir, who lives in this cave?"

"A flesh eating troll lives inside! Don't go there!"

"I think I need a second opinion despite you passing by this hypothetical troll infested cavern every day but there's nobody to give me one so I'm just going to go inside OH SPOKES THE FLESH EATING TROLL IS EATING MY FLESH IT HURTS SO MUCH!"

You could just skip the questions and jump straight into your foolishness? Same end result.

At least I got to see Richo throw doo-doo at Castella. That was funny! And the Fourth let him go without punishment! Everyone loves Richo!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 24th, IY 7788

Three buried bodies.

One missing finger.

What is wrong with this place? I don't even know what to write. The truth will be buried just like those poor people were.

Who gave the order? Are both of them utterly scorched out of their minds? Were they always like this? Or is it sabotage? I really don't like agreeing with Ibn Ghalish, but... If they are committing atrocities like this, yeah.

And the Purple meeting... Of course the two dunces have to come in and start making demands, as if they're in a position to bargain. Lying through their teeth while doing so, too. No wonder Meadow, Miranda and Zauzar left...

Kind of a rotten start to the week. I can manage to push the images out of my head, but coming face to face with the struggle... can't really ignore it.

Also, Inky is moping. I got lots of rejection letters when I wrote my first book, too, but they seem to be taking it far harder than I did!

I DO NOT "MOPE". I BROOD. I LAMENT AND LANGUISH. FROM MY OWN BEING, I GIVE TO THEM, AND THEY REJECT WHAT IS OFFERED. PERSONAGES LACK UNDERSTANDING, YOU HAVE MERE PRESUMPTIONS. WHAT A LIMITED EXISTENCE.

Cheer up! If I get to go to Alkab, I'm taking you with me, and I'll buy you tomes from the local sages... All that philosophical esoterism that you love!

I HATE ALKAB.

You haven't even been there!

I WANT SOMETHING NEW TO READ.

Well, I still have Strider's primer somewhere... I hid it because it's so spooky! But if you aren't scared, I'll let you read it!

FINE. YOU CAN TAKE ME TO ALKAB.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 25th, IY 7788

Richo has a column now! I want to read it! I also want to send him a question, too...

Dear Richo,

how do you answer your column while running at the same time?

Sincerely,

Bashir

Wait, since Richo can't read, is Hambone reading these questions to him...? Or his tiny rock friend...? Or Massoud...? Wait, that's ridiculous! Dogs can't read!

Some dogs can talk, but no dogs can read!

Anyhow... Finding information about Alkab is so difficult! I couldn't find a single book focused on the place, and even the compendiums and encyclopedias are really vague! What are they trying to hide?! Besides delicious grain...? Are they ruled over by a council of giant wheat weevils...? Probably not, but I'm getting suspicious!

Also, Lapa invented a mud mask. I don't know how you "invent" something like that, because it's just a bunch of mud...? Even if it's just knowing what kind of mud to use and in what quantities, that's not inventing... Anyhow, I bought one. I'm going to save it for a special occasion, one where I just know that my me time won't be interrupted! So... it'll have to be really special indeed, because that always happens... Maybe if I slather my door in tar, nobody will knock!

Then again people here are so gross that they'd just do it, anyhow...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 26th, IY 7788

Radish is utterly insane! He doesn't care about people starving! He just wants them to pray... You can't pray if you're starving to death, or if an ash storm rips your hands off, unless you pray only verbally, and even then you can't even do that, because the storm is so loud that even the Gods can't hear you! Also, he assaulted Sofia, which is awful, because she's such a nice lady! With him whispering in Domhnall's ear, they both are going to get even crazier than ever before!

I feel sorry for Alejandro because his beau is a crazy dumbass! A crazass! I've only dated dumbasses... I mean, I've dated smart guys, too, but I haven't dated crazy dumbasses, only regular dumbasses, which are slightly less dangerous than their crazed variant! Dating a dumbass is so stressful, because you can't talk about anything intellectual with them, such as the theory of the language of flowers, alchemical perfumery, or which knitting pattern has the most pleasing aesthetical qualities!

Some slavers were trying to purchase or kidnap the refugees... All of the slavers were killed! Good! All slavers deserve to die! In the most painful fashion possible! Their horses didn't deserve to die, though... Oh well. I heard that the remains were fried and they made tasty horse kebab out of them for the refugees! That's good. What isn't good is that Tonka kept scratching at the door, because she wanted some too! Now my door looks horrible! Which it already did, because the Banda installed some cheap doors... It looks more horrible! Well, I suppose it looks lived in, at least... A little too much cleanliness and you look like an utter lunatic!

A clean freak, really, which is a different kind of lunacy than the one exhibited by Radish and Domhnall! Both of whom are dirty boys! For Domhnall, this is a multifaceted quality, because not only does he have dirt on his toga, he also has dirt in his mouth!

Because he's a dirt addict!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 27th, IY 7788

There's a new poet in town... The Poet of Trash! Well, that's the name I gave them, anyhow... They write about trash and such. It's grand! I mean, I'd prefer poems about flowers, but at least their work is... raw? Yeah! It's not pretentious in the least! It takes a fortright mind to write about trash so earnestly! I wish I could write poems, but I'm just awful at it...

Xon was a child for about five minutes... Then he grew up! That was fast! Lots of people wish that they could return to their childhood, so he's living the dream... The dream of some, not mine, though! My childhood was awful! What little I remember, anyhow... Considering that I remember absolutely nothing about my parents, I'm pretty sure I was always an orphan, before I was auctioned off...

And I wish I didn't have to think about that, but Ariel is a slaver! She's absolutely awful, and I hope that she steps on a rusty nail, and dies slowly, bedridden by lockjaw! That's more of a battle than selling brews in the Souk is! Slavers deserve no sympathy whatsoever! What is wrong with her?! Someone told me that she's mean and bitter, because she lost the election, so she wants everyone else to be miserable too! That's so immature! Then again, I have no idea how old she is, because I don't pay any attention whatsoever to women's ages!

What else... Oh, a giant tree appeared, out of nowhere! It's smack dab in the middle of the road out the Gate of Roses! Selsi told me and others to stay away from there... And I'm going to! I was hoping for it to be a miracle, and that nature was finally starting to recover, but no such luck... Even if it had been just one tree, I could've gotten my treehouse, finally! Then I could've had a bellows head installed in there, and I could've reported about all of the dangers on the road, and made everyone safe!

I'm so close to a breakthrough in my knitting, sewing and weaving! I just know it! When it all comes together... It'll be glorious!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 28th, IY 7788

Caster was really sick! He kept coughing and making strange sounds! So, Eclair brought him some buckets of water to keep him hydrated... She formed a hex-a-gone out of them! I'm not sure if it helped much, because Caster's illness didn't seem to go away, so it probably wasn't due to a hex... Caster seems to be sick very often! He should exercise more, and have a better diet!

Speaking of diets... Richo's dog has a terrible one! Massoud eats eggs, horsemeat, sausages, falafels... Now he's a really chunky pupper! He farts so much, and the stench is so foul, that it's being studied by the Astronomers as a potential siege weapon! He should eat proper dog food, like... I don't know, chicken or turkey. That's what Tonka eats. She's a cat, sure, but I'm pretty sure cats and dogs pretty much eat the same stuff. Tonka's been trying to get her paws on some of that horsemeat, but hasn't been able to... I don't want my home to be filled with smelly gasses, so I'm glad!

The Ephian Games were so grand... Well, there was an ash storm, which kind of made the last match hard to watch, and when I write "kind of", I mean "extremely"! After the games, Ariel tried to punch me, because she couldn't handle the truth that everyone hates her for being a disgusting slaver and that nobody wants to listen to her awful shrieking! She couldn't land a single punch on me, because she's slow as a slug! Instead, she punched Zain and Miranda... For some reason. She's unstable! If she punches Zain again, I'm going to hire Mirielle to punch her!

Off a balcony!

With a bolt from her arbalest!

Anyhow... After that, I went on an archaeological journey with Alejandro, Akna, Azaghal and Elyse! We didn't make any big finds... But we did find yet another mention of the Festival of Flowers! I wish we had a Flower Festival... But then again, it'd just be my flowers, probably. Which someone would attempt to steal, or burn, because people here are insane and mean! Also... I wish I'd get to go on more archaeological treks! It had been ages since my last! I love hearing about history... when it's about flowers, or beautiful love between beautiful men!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 29th, IY 7788

After a raid on the orcs, I had a flash of inspiration... The wild attire of the bloodsingers was simple, yet daring! So stirring! Everything that I had been studying about knitting, sewing and weaving came together in one artful frenzy! And so, I was able to finish my graduation project... a most fashionable sock! I am now a licensed tailor! Thank you, Mr. Navid Farahmand, and the Dapper Lad Vocational College! And the orcs... I guess...?

One of the letters had a short introduction to aspectral energies, too! With that, and Zain's wondrous thesis at hand, I think that I know how to... operate... prisms, now! I'm going to stand in for Zain whenever he's busy, since he's the expert, and give him all the aspectral dust that I get! I'm just going to do things a little differently than him, though. With a little more flair and razzle-dazzle! Razzle-dazzle is an old people... word... but Azaghal says it a lot and he knows magic, so maybe the trick to magic is saying a lot of old people words?

I'm still not going to talk about the archwizard's eyebrows, though! That's Azaghal's thing!

Anyhow... Caster told me about witches... They're very picky about their cats, so if you don't have a black cat, you're ostracized! I love all cats, so I'd make for a terrible witch... Well, I also don't know magic, so there's that, too. Witches seem to have a lot of rules... which is weird, since they sort of just live in caves, or in houses that have bird legs, and spend all their time brewing strange newt-based concoctions that might cure your throat infection, or just turn you into a toad... If you have that kind of lifestyle, then why are you overcomplicating it with extraneous rules...?

Why is it "ostracized", anyhow...? Maybe in ancient times, they used to make exiles ride an ostrich out of town... Yeah, that makes perfect sense! Ostriches are so ornery that it's the perfect punishment!

A man forgot his name, or something like that, and only remembers that his father's name was Ismet! I think he should call himself Kismet ibn Ismet, because that's a cute, rhyming name, and it's good luck, too! He seemed a bit odd, but so's about half of the populace... I hope that I never forget my name, because I like being Bashir! I wouldn't want to be called Colton or Cuthbert or... Caomh? Yeah, I don't want to be called Caomh! What a terrible name! People from colder regions seem to have a lot of those!

Why do I have this list of names, anyhow...?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 30th, IY 7788

Yesterday I moved to the Plaza... The property is way too big for me, but I don't want to be kidnapped by the crazy brookers that the Banda is now admitting as members! It feels really weird to have an actual apartment of my own after all these years... I don't know what to do with all the space! Also, I'll probably run out of money in a few weeks... or a month or two... but it's still better than being kidnapped...

And I just know that Domhnall will think that he's being clever, and try to "force" me to take refugees in my new home... Well, the joke's on him! I wouldn't mind some roommates! As long as they're nice... And in the end, these apartments are too big for one person. I think four or five people could live in my home, but no more than that... Also, the bedroom is really small, and beds are really expensive! At least I had plenty of bedlinens already, so... some money saved... in an admittedly tenuous fashion.

That guy who forgot his name, or had it stolen...? He has glowing tattoos! I think they might be magickal glyphs or sigils, or whatever, but I'm no expert. Now, if I was getting tattoos... well, I'd just get one, to begin with. It'd either be a bumblebee, a hummingbird, an unicorn... No! I've got it! I'd get a cute little tressym! Yeah! That'd be so adorable and precious!

Xon loaned a book to the fish people, and they still haven't returned it. Loaning books is already a risk most of the time, but loaning them to other dimensions is even more so! I wonder if they read my books in other dimensions...? Do I get dividends for that? I better. Being a home owner is really expensive!

I went to the Kha'esh auction, too... I just wanted a magickal tea kettle that produces infinite amounts of tasty tea, but they didn't even have a regular one for sale... What a disappointment! Instead, they mostly had some junk that they had stolen from Don Souk. Which is troubling, but what are you going to do...? Report them to the Auctioneer Council of Ethics...? I was thinking of doing that, but that's too much work. Anyhow, Camisares sold a bunch of body parts, including his eye and leg, all to buy a shitty sword and a strange potion...

That strange potion made him into a plant man! A leshy...? It's so weird! Now he's going to have to eat dirt and clay, and I do mean actual dirt, I don't know nor care about his addictions... Also, he's probably going to sleep in a bed of mulch, now, or in a planter full of soil. And he's probably highly flammable so he probably shouldn't be the guy they send to disperse any Lily mobs...

Also, Castella threw his cigarette right in my face! What a clumsy oaf! He ruined my makeup! Thankfully he didn't ruin my beautiful face, because it landed sideways and not butt first... If it had done that, I'd have taken him to court! After abolishing Legatine immunity! Which would've been really hard!