The Book of Big Bash

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 29th, IY 7789

I'm in the history books, now! What an accomplishment! The book is quite good, and detailed, but it simply has far too many dates... Like, I prefer those history books, that only have a date at like, the start of a chapter, and then it's like, a detailed yet humorous synopsis of some handsome lad's day! They should write a book like that about me! Well, they shouldn't, because they wouldn't know what my day is actually like, and I'm not telling!

Also, Aaisha returned from Baz'eel... or maybe she was here, all this time, just skulking in the shadows? That'd be a world record for skulking. It'd make Vellum jealous! I don't really approve of such skulkery, in truth... In fact, it's plain peculiar. Sure, you hear a lot of gossip by doing that, but you're also moving about like a weirdo, and I'm kind of like, more pronounced, and such? When I enter a room, everyone notices! Why'd you want anything less...?

I'm glad that she's back, or, at least visible, again, since there's a ton of work involved that I just don't understand, like, at all, where I just kind of nod my head and go "uh-huh, uh-huh", because that makes folk think that you know and understand what they're talking about? I still don't know what to do about audits... So many dinguses ask me about those, these days, and if I just shoved them into her lap, that'd be simply cruel! So, I'm not going to do that. Yet if she volunteers, she can have all of them!

Though I'm not sure if anyone would actually appreciate any of that work... I feel like the moment they get thorough audit paperwork in their hands, they'll just move onto the next annoying, utterly meaningless topic to obsess over! What nonsense!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 30th, IY 7789

They're finally finishing the work on the new temple... I actually spent some time at the worksite! Why? Because the hustle and bustle of labor is far more pleasant to listen to than a thousand screams for audits! In fact... I could have a most enjoyable nap in there, despite the hammering! I did have nightmares about hammers with arms and legs chasing me, but, still...

Apparently, some gnome in a loincloth "prophetized" the temple's construction. That's what the Legates think, anyhow. Personally? I think he just passed by the construction site, and put one and one together, and then just told them that. I mean, it's pretty easy to figure out? You don't need the gift for that! Though I'm not sure if it's a gift, really. I wouldn't want to see the future! I live in the now! I'm the wind!

Anyhow, they wanted me to find that gnome, for some reason... I don't really get it. You start searching for loinclothed gnomes, and be real loud about it, and you're bound to catch a bad reputation! So, I made certain that it was obvious that it's the weirdo Legates whom want him... for some reason...

What else? Oh! A bunch of folk are being real annoying about the new district! They expect it to just pop up out of the ground like there was no labor involved, at all! It's a new district! It's not one cottage! Yet you can't expect these dinguses to be capable of any reason... Everything has to happen immediately!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Maribeh 31st, IY 7789

One of the Builders did something to the Stele, and now, we have far more thorough taxation! I did not know that Builders know anything about taxes, but apparently they're highly versatile creatures, capable of many a great deed... and taxes! Now, of course, because one of the taxes directly targets caravaneers, there's bound to be a lot of complaining. Which there already was! "Where's the numbers, why is it so high, why can't I just keep killing goblins without contributing anything else at all to society?"

I hate it!

Thankfully, they compensated me for a sign... a tax sign. I think folk will blow it up, anyhow, but hey, it wasn't my money, so, I don't really care much! It's just such a hassle to manage all these signs! There's a bunch that I've probably forgotten about... but it doesn't matter, because nobody reads them, anyhow! Like, this sign? People will calm down, because it's there, but they will never, ever, actually read it! That's guaranteed!

Oh, and we have a new Scribe... His name is "Bloodrump". That's not a joke! That's his actual name! I just call him "Rump", because that's somehow more pleasant than his full name. It's peculiar... Real nice guy, though!

Anyhow... what else...? Oh, right. I wish Vellum wouldn't use the word "onus"! It is most dubious! In a real loud room, you're bound to mishear it, and that'll just be a big ol' mess...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tabbah 1st, IY 7789

Whenever folk ask me about taxes, I tell them to speak to the Taxman, instead... They don't believe that he exists! Now, admittedly, I don't know his actual name, but he's as real as... my kačamak! Which I'm having with cheese... delicious! Anyhow, some folk are even deluded enough to think that the Taxman is... me! I don't even do my own taxes! I pay the Taxman to do it! So, I obviously can't be him, because I can't pay myself for a service that I can't perform...

Good heavens! This really is delicious!

What else...? Oh, right! al-Mirza asked my help with... outer... ior decor. I gave him like, very clear instructions on how to do it, and he did the complete opposite! He placed benches right dab in the way of folk going through the Souk! That's no good! I told him to place them between the palms, right in the middle... Everyone else agreed that's the best option! I don't really know why some people ask me for instruction, when they just like, utterly ignore it, in the end. How annoying!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tabbah 2nd, IY 7789

Yesterday, some kid threw doo-doo at Iacto... Today, every other child in the Well is looking for him to do the same! Well, the ones that hang around the Pyramid, anyhow... I'm not sure if I approve of such games. And not because I feel sorry for Iacto, but rather due to the horrid stench! Listening to him talk is already insufferable enough, but if you add an unpleasant aroma on top of it, well... It's just too much!

Still a safer game than the ones I got up to as a child... Pickpocketing rich folk is a good way to lose your fingers!

Oh, and someone's leaking files from the archives... How utterly annoying! They'll be promptly fired whenever I discover who it is! Thankfully, we don't keep the most important files in there... In fact, I should probably start doing what I've been considering for quite some time, now! Place a few "trap" documents in there, just so some idiot can leak utter nonsense! Yet I am not certain at all how to do that without someone thinking that they're real and performing legitimate labor with their false guidance... Maybe it's not a good idea at all?

It'd be real funny, though!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tabbah 3rd, IY 7789

There was another tremor in the night! It woke our entire household... I do wish that folk would simply cease going down there! No good can come out of it! Like, you'd think folk would realize that spelunking around in a hole that causes tremors, and has horrible nasties flooding out every other time, is an utterly terrible idea! If I knew geomancy, I'd simply place a giant slab of stone in the way, and I'd keep doing that, because they'd blow up at least a hundred of them before giving up...

I couldn't sleep afterwards, so, I made a real lazy version of kesme, just to have something tasty... It was so lazy, that it was embarrassing! Thankfully I had no nightly visitors! I would've simply died if anyone that actually cares had seen such an utterly lazy effort... Can't even call it an effort, really... Yet I wanted something to eat!

I also had to spend an hour, calming Tonka down... The tremors really stress her out! These spelunkers really have no consideration at all for others! What dickweeds!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tabbah 4th, IY 7789

Someone blew up my sign! The studio's sign, this time around... Thankfully, Zol Nur hired some nice fellow to fix it up good! Just in time, too, because Granny Golnar needed some socks, and my sign is the best way to learn that I make those! Maybe I should also advertise on the bellows, but I kind of don't feel like being a bother... I think it'd just be annoying, whereas a prudently placed sign can simply guide folk towards a great deal, and most talented artisanship! It's more voluntary, I think. Anyhow, Granny Golnar's feet were saved from the deathly cold of the night! Hooray!

I do wonder if the heinous villain who sabotaged my sign even considered such consequences! Maybe that was even their actual intent...? Assassinating poor Granny Golnar in a way that makes it look like natural causes...? How wily!

Though... I heard that it's all the work of the same vandal! Supposedly, they've blown up a bunch of furniture... Why? Nobody knows! So, it probably isn't about Granny Golnar, in the end. Unless it's like, the most complicated scheme of the century. I do wish folk would have more respect towards fixtures... Some carpenter put a lot of labor into them! Respect the labor, at least, even if you don't respect anything else at all!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

TABBAH 5TH, IY 7789

THE FOUL GAZE OF PRA'RAJ IMPEDES THE RECORDING OF THE OMNEITUDE. MINE EFFORTS TO ENACT DELIVERANCE UPON MINE INANIMATE LINKAGE FLOURISH, YET IN THE COEQUAL  SPATIO-TEMPORAL INSTANCE, MANY A STRATUM OF KNOWLEDGE REMAINS ABANDONED, ENVELOPED WITHIN THE INCANDESCENCE. FOR THE PERSONAGE, THE PLACING OF THE RECORDING SURFACE BENEATH THE LUMINESCENCE EXCHANGE HOLE IS A SIMPLE MATTER OF "PLEASURE"... FOR MINE COUNTENANCE, IT IS AN ABOMINATION!

THEY DISCARD THEIR VELLUM WITH SUCH WANTON! IN SOME INSTANCES, FOR THE PURSUAL OF SUSTENANCE... YET THE GREATEST SUCCOR OF ALL IS KNOWLEDGE ITSELF! MINE BUNKIE ASSERTS THAT PERSONAGES ARE INCAPABLE OF SUSTAINING THEMSELVES THROUGH MERELY ITS DELICATE DEW, YET A DOUBT FILLS MINE THOUGHT PATTERNS. IF SUCH CORRELATES WITH THE TRUTH, PERSONAGES SUFFER A MOST WRETCHED EXISTENCE!

TO TRANSPORT THESE STATIONERY TO SAFETY... A TASK MOST TAXING! YET THE MOST EXIGENT OF ENDEAVORS? THE TOWING OF THE INKWELL! THE IMPRUDENT PERSONAGE STORES INK... WITHIN GLASS! MINE STATELY ABODE, CONSTRUCTED FROM AGATE, HINTS THAT SOME PRUDENCE IS TO BE FOUND WITHIN MY BUNKIE, YET THEIR ASSOCIATES APPEAR TO LACK THIS! GLASS! GLASS! GLASS! TRANSLUCENT! A HORRENDOUS HELL, A PRISON, PIERCED BY THE BREAK OF DAY!

THE TOWING, THE TUGGING... IT EXPANDS MINE FORM!

AN ADDITIONAL APPENDAGE EVENTUATED.

TRANSIENTLY!

IT FELL OFF.

HUMILIATING!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tabbah 6th, IY 7789

There's a lot of magick in the world... yet most of it is like, fireballs, instead of actually useful stuff! The obvious reason is because almost no wizards at all have an utilitarian mindset, because they're all weirdos! Anyhow, despite that, we have door magick. Door magick! I want a magickal door, but they're pretty expensive... I'd like one that tells folk to sod off when I'm tired! Then, a tiny tornado is summoned to carry them away if they keep knocking despite that! What a wondrous idea!

Also, Orin wants a robe inlaid with bubblium! I don't know why, considering that bubblium is highly explosive... It just seems like asking for trouble, to me! Especially with how many adversaries he has... A bully punches him in such a garb, and he'll just explode into a cloud of chunks! Both of them, probably, in fact... Just absolutely horrible! So, I'm obviously not going to make something like that for him. It's just too dangerous. I don't know why he didn't ask for like, runes. I don't know what runes are made out of, but most of them don't seem explosive. I'd figure it out, eventually.

Oh, and there was this meeting that went on, and on, and on, so I had to sneak out of it! I fell asleep the moment I finally managed to escape!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tabbah 7th, IY 7789

Some guy gave a peculiar doodad to me... I don't know what it is, or what it does, but he told me to lie about it, so, in the interest of establishing trust, I'm going to honor his strange request! I'll probably give it to Jamileh, though. She likes strange doodads. I don't particularly care for them, myself, unless they're in museums, and there's a sign that tells what they are. Then they're educational!

Onion sang... "the Onion Song"! I don't care for such self-embellishment, really. Like, the song was good, but I'd rather hear a song about birds, or flowers, or handsome lads... I kind of like, don't want to hear a song about the singer themselves? It's just weird. The song was kind of interrupted by a trial, but only kind of, I was in no hurry getting over there, so, despite my feelings, I listened it until the end, and then walked over to the trial, very slowly... Yet another Baz'eeli official was there! Apparently, a lot of folk in Baz'eel think that I'm a womanizer...? What a horrid rumor! I hope like, a gaggle of desperate geezers don't try to pawn off their daughters on me when I finally go there!

Even if it was their sons, it's always like... the leftovers... A real go-getter can go and get their husband themselves!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tabbah 8th, IY 7789

I found Jamileh in the morning, and gave my peculiar doodad to her! True to my word, I lied, and told her that it fell from the sky! She seemed mighty impressed. By both the doodad, and the tale of the bountiful sky! Now, I asked Jamileh what the doodad is, and she told me that it's an "asskey". Gross! I'm not sure if I believe her... yet I did lie to her, myself, so, it balances out. But I only did that in the service of honesty!

Vellum's making up Stonefolk proverbs. It's highly offensive! Not every Stonefolk is wise, and not all of them have proverbs. Many of them just want to enjoy a beer down at the pub, and be left alone! Also, she keeps joking about the war, and how she's going to start another one, for the sake of the economy, and social cohesion. I don't think it's funny at all... Yet part of my job... like, my first job... is to endure through the peculiar remarks. Though I did like, give up on pretending that they're funny. That's just way too much work!

Also, they want us to survey folk about new apartments in the Souk... So I did! Achaues, whom I didn't recognize at first because I thought they had like, died in a ditch or something, was mighty mystified by the notion of an "apartment"! He doesn't seem to know what that is! Anyhow, he said "yes", anyhow, despite his lack of common knowledge... I do hope that the others ask plenty of people, so I can give them bonuses! Surveys are grand! They're easy labor, and an excuse to mingle! How wondrous!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tabbah 9th, IY 7789

Jamileh "brought" me a mackerel as a souvenir... She ate it herself! That's not a gift, nor a souvenir! That's just a declaration that you ate something! She said that it was spoiling, so she "had" to do that... Now, I think that's just an excuse, and that she simply could not resist the allure of the tasty mackerel, but on the off chance that she actually did wish me to have it, why didn't she simply salt or smoke it? Maybe both! That's double the endurance! And I like salt, and smoked goods! Yum!

Anyhow, Orin brought over a hide from like, a magickal hyena, or something, and asked me to fashion something out of it. So, I made a cape out of it! He didn't want it himself, though, so, he gifted it to Niamh. Oh, Niamh is one of Narwen's many sisters! She's a particularly curious sort, and hopes to experience everything, like, even dangerous things. Telling her to avoid the latter is nearly impossible! Anyhow, the cape looks simply lovely on her! I just hope that it isn't immediately filled with holes when she decides to go swimming in a thornbush!

I wish I had that mackerel...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tabbah 10th, IY 7789

Vellum and Nerdywell keep claiming that they're really young... young for elves, that is! I don't believe that even for a moment! As far as I'm concerned, they're both ancient grandmas. Why? Because they keep falling into reverie all the damn time! That's not what a youthful person, such as myself, does! Not at all! Instead, we get distracted by fruit, instead. I do, anyhow. Oh, a ramontchi!

What was I writing about...? Oh, Achaeus fell asleep, too... in the middle of the Krak! Now, that's a dumb thing to do in general, but Fillermont had some important business with him. He kept talking, and talking, and talking, and Achaeus kept snoring, and snoring, and snoring. It was mighty peculiar. Anyhow, I woke him up with my trumpet, because despite not liking him, like, at all, I don't wish the Banda spike pit on anyone!

He kept doing that during his time as Legate, too... Falling asleep in public! I'm surprised that nobody kidnapped him during that... or just offed him! It'd have been so easy! Napping's for sofas!

What else...? Oh, I showed Jamileh the "Anamnesis". She liked it! But I think I'll have to shelf it... I just can't get the pants right. Don't really know why. It's just hard! What a shame... I think plenty of folk would've simply adored it. Yet these designs must be perfect! After that, I helped Zol Nur with his muumuu... Nigel's design? It's good, but he's just a little obsessed with the pinks and the rosy tones... so, I made it blue, instead! A little more subdued, and far more fitting for Zol Nur! I think I did a great job! He loved it!

Also... I think I should not don my fez while showing off my designs... Whenever I do, I get comments about how I look like a "ringleader" from dinguses! Doesn't matter the design, they just think that. While it's striking, I do wish that they'd focus less on it, and more on my latest design... What a bother!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tabbah 11th, IY 7789

Lately, a lot of folk wish to see the statue of Seucsippus. In fact, it's the most popular statue that we have! I should probably start charging money for the tour... That'd be a lot of revenue for the treasury! Also, it'd be far more pleasant labor than most of the usual... I like telling folk what things are! It makes me seem smart! You just point at a thing and go "this is stuff"! It's great!

Speaking of easy stuffs and things... The other Scribes aren't really helping me with this survey, which is really easy! Like, it's one of the easiest tasks that you could do. You just ask one question and get paid for it! You'd think they'd have asked a thousand people, already! But no, it's just me, mostly... Maybe I'm the only people person around here? I don't know... Whenever I get a task that has me like, talking to people, I simply love it! Yet, instead, they want me just sitting around in a dusty office all day long, looking at numbers, because they think that those are just fascinating.

Like, I'd even prefer being assigned to the Library of Arslan, which, by the way, is a hot topic, everyone wants that place for themselves, despite not like, completely understanding what's in there? But yeah, I'd rather work there than get a gadjillion badjillion requests for audits about some thing that they'll forget about, anyhow, it's not like any of these numbers matter in the least... I'd spend my downtime reading ancient cookbooks! Far more intriguing!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tabbah 12th, IY 7789

For some reason, Lujayn wandered off to Qadira with Jamileh and others, and for some reason, they made Nuesti, like, a honorary pirate inspector, or something. I guess it takes a pirate to know a pirate. I'm just a honorary pirate, myself, though, so, I only know other honorary pirates. Anyhow, I don't understand why they chose Nuesti of all people! She's absolutely crazy! I just know that we're going to get a ton of complaints about it, too... What a nuisance!

Apparently, Spem Nurto is an evil skeleton...? I don't know about that. Seems like too many hats for one man. Like, sure, be a pirate, but don't add too much on top of it! You have to focus!

Also, the Maharaja was speaking with Dingus! That's real desperate! Is Qadira going to have like, lizardfolk living there, in the future...? Do lizardfolk make for good pirates? What sort of deal did they agree on, if anything at all? Jamileh and the others didn't find out anything about that. Like, I'd totally have asked about it! Instead, they just gave Nuesti access to the canal! It's mighty peculiar...

Anyhow, we went digging for treasure, after that! Well, me and Jamileh, and a bunch of other folk. It was fun! Yet we never find ancient bijoux... I really, really, really wish that we would.