The Varied Writings of Abbas Alamouti

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Dear Ma and Pa,

I'm glad to hear that you are doing well. Pity about uncle Kaveh, though. How many times has he gotten stuck inside that hall clock, already? I know you've told him time and time again to see a priest about his sleepwalking, but don't give up! Tell him that he's going to lose the house if he keeps waking up the neighbors with his screaming.

They sent me off to some place called Ephia's Well to take a look at their pipes, which I almost couldn't find. In the end, I did discover the sewer, but it was an absolute mess. Just a rusty wreck, filled to the brim with worms. Infested! I don't know how they let it get in such bad shape. Still, the air around here is much nicer, even if the town looks like a hurricane ran through it. Maybe that's why it's so crisp.

Since handling those gutters was simply too big of a undertaking, and I wasn't certain if they're even paying me, I had to look for other endeavors, and managed to find a few.

Some janissary gave me coin to fetch him falafels. I figured I might as well do that, since he was just completely bored out of his mind. Supposedly, he was guarding his boss, who was stuck inside a bottle. I thought that was an euphemism for him being a horrid drunk, but apparently, he was actually stuck inside a bottle! I think a crone cursed him. They got him out, eventually.

Then, this ancient wizard brought me to his ancient mansion, which could only be reached through a magic portal. It was a marvellous place. He paid me five hundred dinars to fix his pipes. Considering how little labor was involved, he really overpaid! Place really was ancient, but it seems like magical mansions have some warding on the pipes to protect them from the absolute worst? Smart move. Not great for my business, but still... smart.

After that, I met the mayor of the town. She and some architects were meeting with a Gohari director! They offered me a job. Well, a chance at a job, anyway. It's not really anything final, at the moment. And you know what? The architects were a nun and a wizard! Imagine that!

I think I kept talking too much about pipes. It's just that I'd rather advertise something that I know I can handle. I'm still pretty insecure about my own inventions. Still haven't managed to come up with something truly awesome! I know that you always tell me to be more confident, but outside home, folk can get absolutely furious if you don't get things right on the very first try.

With lots of love,

Abbas

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Dear Mro Po,

Your falafels are the best. I eat them every day. Then again I've only been here for two days... yet I've had them on both, so it's the truth. I would have them for breakfast, but that's āsh o'clock for me. I wish you served āsh. I like mine with extra kashk. Please consider adding it to your menu, thank you.

Your biggest fan,

Abbas

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Illul 14th, IY 7789

This lady by the name of Apple Jam lent me a bundle of gear. She's really nice! Apparently, she's both the state diplomat and archaeologist. That's wild! I guess she's able to regale dignitaries with tales from the past. I think she's the one we sold those turbines to. I say "we" but I don't know if three years is enough to count as Tlonsiyyan. I don't think so! But yeah, she's pretty great. Even Raonn and Me'raz don't seem to mind her much. Then again some utter bastard tried to kill them when they first visited, so in comparison probably just about anyone else seems simply dandy.

Then, a mountainous Stonefolk, by the name of Zol Nur, bought me dinner at Mro Po's. It was full-course! It was awesome! Apparently, he's spent most of his life on his lonesome, so now, he wants as many friends as he can get. And you know what? I'll absolutely be his friend after such a succulent meal! Anyone who buys me food, especially in such vast quantities, is all right in my book. This scribe by the name of Eizo got dinner too. I don't think he's from around here, because he kept trying to eat falafel with a stick. It was wild!

"By the name of"? There's too much repetition! I need to make this all sound more intriguing, in case someone reads my diary. It has to sound awesome... then I'll be awesome too!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Steam-powered Coffee Steamer

Steam can be used to heat stuff... and power stuff! Brewing coffee produces steam, and the heat from it can be converted into mechanical energy, and it can also brew the coffee! A loop!

So, if the conversion rate of energy can be made 1:1, then we're talking about perpetual coffee. As long as you have enough beans and water. And you produce more steam than you use up. And you can somehow stop both the conservation and entropy principles.

This idea sucks donkey eggs!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Illul 15th, IY 7789

Business is slow, but at least there's some of it. This scribe keeps paying me to dig through camel poop. Most of my kinsfolk would rather piss glass than do that sort of stuff... yet I was paid for it, and I don't want to bother mum and pa for allowance too much. And by way of Izdu's blessings, I found an awesome stone of power. Dunno why the camel ate that. This town is strange. I'm going to show my stone to Apple Jam and ask her if she thinks that it's awesome. I hope so. She's awesome and I want to impress her.

I miss my wrench. I wish I hadn't lost it. There was an okay hammer for sale, but it just isn't the same. One day, I'm going to smith a wrench, all by myself. I'll make it out of orichalcum, or maybe mithril, or some other awesome ore. If those aren't good for wrenches, it'll just be my vanity wrench, and I'll invent some awesome alloy, instead. Then I'll sell the secret of my awesome alloy to the highest bidders, and I'll use all of the money for charitable deeds. Okay, most of it, I still need to eat.

Speaking of eating, I tried eel eggs today. I think eel is whitefish, and it's eggs anyway, so it's okay. I've had them before, but that was ages ago. I think they're nice, but too salty. Too much salt makes me feel woozy, and then I have to drink a lot, and then I'm too full of water to work. So I prefer a balance to my salts. Most of my experiments with the elements produce salts, too, but not the kind you can eat. I kind of wish I'd get a giant explosion instead, because that'd be really neat and impressive, but I also lost my fireproof apron and my mask and a bunch of other things. I should keep a list of my stuff and where it is!

Most importantly... by the Wheel, I cannot believe it! I met the famous Shum Sheroy! He's awesome! Though he told me that he's retired from dancing... He's an astronomer now! That's a wild career change! What's even wilder, is that I get to do his plumbing! Well, he lives where he works, so it's plumbing for all his colleagues, too. Still, really exciting! I think he's the biggest celebrity I've ever met... in Ephia's Well!

I also tried politics but I don't think I get them.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Steam-pow

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

Chute-Based Mail System

Chutes are the cousin of pipes! Like pipes, they're really sturdy. A common threat to couriers is that those ignorant of Izdu's teachings are likely to stab them and steal their deliveries. You can't stab a chute. Okay so yes you can do that but it's real loud and won't actually pierce the metal. So if someone did that, a guard would hear it and arrest the chute stabber! So, you just install a system of chutes in every building, that go from top to bottom, and into different rooms, and your internal postage needs are all solved!

At the top and bottom, you'd have metal boxes that need keys to open, so nobody unauthorized can tamper with the mail! I guess you could also have thick glass in the middle so you can see what's in there so you don't receive pranks like a toad or something. For fragile deliveries, install a cushion at the bottom! To ensure employment for former couriers, you should grant them a mentoring program in the mail chute's use.

This idea is absolutely awesome!

Wait, what about tubes? That'd be even more awesome!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Illul 16th, IY 7789

Would boys like me if I get an awesome bottle label from Babu the Bottler? Most boys don't like me. They say I smell bad and that they don't want to taste oil when kissing. I bathe every day, but then I get dirty right after because there's so much work to do. Maybe if my bottle had "Baz'eeli Top Shagger" written on it, that'd catch their eye. Okay so maybe that's a bad idea. I think boys are more impressed with stuff if you made it yourself. I made my first boyfriend a clock and they really liked it but then they met someone far richer and they could just buy all the clocks in the world with their pa's money and lie about making them themselves.

Mum says that the way to a man's heart is through their stomach, but I never learned to cook. I got banned from using our kitchen. Yeah, the salts smelled bad but I was just trying to make the Philosopher's Stone. I'm pretty sure ammonia's the key. It just smells so shitty that everyone refuses to work with it. Sounds sensible enough to me.

This town doesn't get any less weirder, but plenty of people are real helpful. Eva gave me a chisel. Actually, it's a combination chisel and saw. It's really useful! I think she's a mystic. She said she voluntarily shaves her head. I think only mystics do that, though occasionally back home we had this fad of shaving your head and it looked really weird because most people's heads aren't shaped right for that so I just outright refused to do that and everyone thought I was weird and they made fun of me for having hair. I thought it was fucking stupid.

I wish I'd find more work. All these caravaneers just stare at a board, and then they find some king's crown in a gnoll village and get paid a ten thousand finder's fee for it. It's not fair. I don't know how to find crowns, and gnolls are really scary.