Chapter 6 - EFU: Sands of Intrigue - Rumors, Gossip & Tales of the Desert

[DangerousDan]

Hziran 20th, IY 7789

Old Man Trips on Wall

The Parchment can EXCLUSIVELY reveal the details of a brutal battle fought at an Orcish fortification deep in the Scald. It is said the so-called Purple Pair - former Legate Marcellus Saenus (you've got to love him!) and then-Legate Achaeus Saenus (any relation???) led the combined forces of Baz'eel and al-Nasr to a great victory over the barbarian foe.

All of Baz'eel mourned to hear that Marcellus, who was in his dotage even during his early Legateship, tragically tripped over the so-called 'Abulmahhu' and cracked his skull, dying some hours later surrounded by his loved ones. The beloved leader - who some call the Unifier, because he united the hearts of all the people - was buried in an official state funeral some days.

Any rumours to the contrary are categorically false.

The Emir's Gaffe

During the recent state visit of Emir Jaiyan Ibn Sharev to Golden Baz'eel, the hapless ruler committed a dreadful breach of protocol that remains the subject of lurid gossip and speculation within the Sublime Garden.

The Parchment can EXCLUSIVELY reveal the indelicate blunder of the bungling baron.

During a morning Water Service, the Emir neglected to refer to our Beloved Sovereign by his just and rightful title 'Overthrower of Abuses and Scourge of Bad Governance', and furthermore wore a turban that was off colour to the mutually agreed Water Service Palette.

Osman, being benevolent and furthermore gracious, merely smiled at this outrageous breach of protocol. However, in the weeks which have followed, courtiers have grown to see a shocking reality. Far from an innocent blunder, Jaiyan Ibn Sharev, as is typical from those of his treasonous line, instead intended this omission as a calculated SNUB!?

Something simply must be done.

Useless Old Trees; Kindling for the Front!

A genius strategem has been devised upon the front in the hateful Scald. So great are the corpse-mounds of the barbarian dead, our brave boys have been complaining about the terrible stench of their rotting flesh.

The Tenth Legion to the rescue! The Parchment can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that the brave Tenth have settled upon an ingenous strategy of using the great KUSATMA to blow up some rotten, useless old trees (who heard of trees out there anyway?) in order to build orderly and handsome pyres - eliminating the twin scourges of Toxic Odour and litter in one fell swoop.

Keep it up, boys!

Inside Kusatma - A Welder's Tale

Serialized EXCLUSIVELY in the Parchment over the coming months- the true story of how one metallurgist with a dream took some battered old bronze and fashioned it into a wonder if Baz'eeli engineering - the fearsome KUSATMA, whose howls can be heard even as far as the Sublime Garden itself.

With nothing but his hands, his humble workshop and an uncompromising vision, Tairan ibn Ghalish tells all, in:

I AM BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS

Azarmidokht Parties while World Burns

The Golden Vizier's depraved and decadent diversions continue, with the salacious sorceror hosting yet another masquerade ball while the brave Janissaries of Baz'eel's Fourth fight and die beneath the wicked heat of Pra'raj (some say at his cruel bidding). The venue? Our very own Osmani Canal!!!

The Parchment can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that Azarmidokht the Golden, using moneys embezzled from the illegal sack and occupation of our dear little sibling Arslan, has purchased a luxurious pleasure barge from which he hosts weekly debaucheries.

What is going on in there? Are slaves involved? Why is the Parchment not invited?

Whatever is happening, it can't be good. Baz'eel MUST seize and impound this bawdy barge.

Sorazin Bey Recalled to Baz'eel

The Parchment can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that Sorazin Bey, the tragic scion of the antique al-Komayyad clan and commander of the Fourth Legion, has been urgently recalled to the Sublime Garden for a private audience with our very own Sultan Osman the Sixth, Sultan of Baz'eel &c.

At the time of printing the Scribes are currently drafting an exquisite letter of invitation that will no doubt dazzle the benighted Bey, who is (in our humble opinion) sorely deserving of such a fantastic and mysterious honour!

Oops, did we spoil the surprise?!?

Silver Drake's Baby Feast in Occupied Arslan?!

Notorious turncoat and murderer 'Silver Drake', lately the Envoy of the Sordid Vizier, is rumoured to be participating in cannibalistic excesses as part of the ongoing tragedy of Arslan. The Parchment cannot print some of the more shocking reports it has received, but it would encourage shrewd subscribers to read between the lines and make up their own minds.

He has been furthermore rumoured to be kicking street dogs for sport, and has a perverted shrine to a notable member of the Sovereign Clan hidden in a filthy den he maintains in that City, which the Parchment can EXCLUSIVELY reveal has not been cleaned in months.

[DangerousDan]

In the early hours of the mornning, a gilded Ashsail was seen berthing at the Eagle's Mount, arrived from the direction of Baz'eel. A hobbling figure daubed in green was soon seen boarding the vessel, which set off without delay towards the Sublime Garden.

[Bearic]

The Green Leaflet - A Ramieton Newsletter,

-::Print: Illul 14th, IY 7789::-

Bottles are IN! -

News from Ephia's Well suggests that bottles are all the latest rage and style. Word from our sources outside Baz'eel say that glass sales are projected to continue well into the next quarter! Don't be the last one to collect your own personal bottle!


Buster's Brews are out of Business! -

Sad news today, as the already difficult to get brews are completely out of business due to difficulties in the supply chain. The regular joe's cup of joe out of season and out of stock. Word on the street is a former business partner stole the recipe and sold it to an agency in Il Modo, then filed a suit against Buster and his Brews! How droll!


Big Bash is Retired! -

Famous stylist BIG Bash has taken a knee and moved to bigger fashion trials in Baz'eel. Rumor has it that this move was to avoid a possible scandal involving a failed venture in purchasing a flower company in Ephia's Well that was to sell boutiques styled into friendly faces of animals, however when resident war hero Aurelio D'lyon mistook one for a djinn the whole shop was burnt down. Tragic!!


Carlos Cogsworth found Crushed by his own Clock! -

In other sad news, famed inventor of the cool down orb and THE Towel has died around the date of Illul 6th, IY 7789. The cause? Witnesses claim that Carlos was assaulted by a cloaked figure who cowardly destroyed the support beams on one of his many inventions and crushed Cogsworth to death! No statement was given on whether the murderer was apprehended.



Giant Ants Spotted in the Canyons! -

Local entomologist and self-proclaimed farmer, Dan, has reported that after losing his farmland to a Titan attack on a refugee camp, his new home is being overrun by giant ants! When asked for details he said:

Ever since that witch cursed me all them years ago, I've had nothing but problems! There's so many bugs out here! I wish someone would do something about them so me and hoagie could have a simple life.

~New~ District in Ephia's Well! -

A big scoop, inside story straight from the source and now to you! We've learned that two new Architects are beginning design of the new high fashion district of Ephia's Well! In works with Gohari Industries, the two new Architects, one Calliope Faith, and the infamous Mae Stern!

Mae Stern is notably rumored to have summoned some horrible red meteor that ruined the ramie crop of IY 7787. Word on the streets is that she might be engineering anti-gravity chambers so that resident cultists known as Astronomers may float about freely. As well as legalizing the practice of "orbing".

Calliope Faith, Cousin of the new Legate Faith Kruehtzer, on the other hand, is rumored be in fierce competition with Buster's Brews and has at least on three occasions gotten Scribes of the Sublime Garden to shut down Buster's Brews on baseless health code violations. Nicknamed "Coffin Coffee" Calliope, we may see a huge chain of Calliope's Coffees replacing the Pop Shop of Buster and his Brews.

Word has it that Gohari Industries is doing their best to keep these separate interests from interfering too much with plans, when we asked a representative for some time and details on the above they had this to say:

What, no, no comment. Go away."

Troubling indeed.



Windmills or Dragons!? -

Rumor has it that Ephia's Well has spent a great deal of dinar on the purchase of Windmills for the new district and since then raised the local taxes, sales, sending, housing and et-all to all time high levels!

But, dear reader, we have to ask, why would they spend so much on Tlonsiyyan Windmills? Rumor has it that the actual dinar was spent on a large dragon egg and the Windmills are just a cover story to distract the local populous into paying for the incubation station. We have to ask, dear reader, which makes most sense to you?



 
Remember friends, if you want the best fabric buy from Benito! Only the Best from Benito!


COME AND VISIT RAMIETON! New bridge opened for guests to our NIGHT MARKET!

[Bearic]

The Green Leaflet - A Ramieton Newsletter,

-::Print: Illul 19th, IY 7789::-

Legate Faith Kruehtzer is dead! -

In sad news, the late Legate Faith Kruehtzer was assassinated in the streets by the now infamous ladder mafia. We can confirm that late in the night cries rang from the 4th's own.

HEEEELP! It's Legate Faith! She's DEAD!

While announcements for the memorial service have not yet been made, we have heard that Legate Faith Kruehtzer was replaced by her cousin, Coffin Coffee Caliliope.



The Brothers Scargrimsson, are proven innocent in a court of law!! -


New news have surfaced that the highway bandits known as the Brothers Scargrimsson have been found innocent in all past crimes they were accused of. We, dear reader, have to ask if these fine upstanding citizens are innocent then where are the real criminals hiding? We hope that the Brothers Scargrimsson and the law agencies out of Ephia's Well can locate the real villains that not only attacked people, but sought to blame these genetlemen.


Game of Nines is all the rage! -

A new game out from Ephia's Well is making the rounds in Ramieton! The game of nine is a dice game where you bet sums of coins to win a larger pot. When we asked to learn more details of the rules of the game we were told we could purchase a set of rules for a sum ourselves. We declined the offer, dear reader, but we have confirmed the below is most likely the rules, for free!!

"Rules of the Game of Nines"

1 - Put in money
 2 - Roll for how much money you get
 3 - Coffee Break
 4 - Arm wrestle to decide who wins

[close]

Rumors are this game has originated from the brains that brought you Buster's Brews! We have it from a source that this game was devised after a coffee pot broke on a table and the stain on the table gave Buster the idea, brilliant!



The color blue is out. -

In unanimous decision the color blue is out of fashion. Sorry, just the way it is.



Man spotted impersonating an Opaki -

Be on the lookout for a man impersonating an Opaki. He may be armed and dangerous. Reports have come in of a man dressed like a red Opaki stalking around large stretches of deserts in suspicious manners. Inform your local guard if you come into contact with this deranged individual.


Beware the Greaser -

Beware.


Aren't you sick of high prices? -

We are too! That's why we live in a cave and eat worms, but for you there might be a better option! Try the Paradise Condominiums, they have a lovely scenic view of Ramieton, and plenty of space at low, low prices! We might just move in ourselves, but moving all this rock furniture around takes a long time.



~Open Air Falafel - Accept no substitutes!~

[Bearic]

The Green Leaflet - A Ramieton Newsletter,

-::Print: Illul 26th, IY 7789::-

Man eats so many lizards he grows a tail! -

Word is a man was spotted in Ephia's Well with a green tail and green eyes! While we don't have evidence this man actually exists, we do have some word from Doctor Phil Mcgoodman that this was likely a complication from a locale delicacy: Fried Skink kabobs. Doctor Mcgoodman has suggested that consuming 100 of these a day will cause you to grow your own lizard tail! Wow!


Red Lights Stalk Caravans! Giant Silver Bird is to Blame! -

New information has poured in that a Giant Silver Bird is to blame for strange red lights that have been following caravans in the canyons! Experts suggest caution if you run into the strange red lights or giant silver bird, as it might try to swoop down and eat you.



Abaru Gate of Stars!? What do we know about them! -

We went right to the experts on this one, dear reader. It has been suggested to us that Abaru, Gate of Stars is sister to Ubaro Gate of Moon, and Yuano Gate of Clouds. All of these gates, as ominous as they sounded in those strange messages are actually airship passage ways in the mountain range. So this was likely someone requesting them to be opened in code!



Horrors unleashed from below! -

Word has come in that one Jamileh and Zol Nur are to blame for a recent crime spree in Ephia's Well! Notably we've learned that the lovers Jamileh Nur and Zol Nur, both of the fabled Sandstone Astrologists have been entering a forbidden lower chamber of Ephia's Well.

We have learned in this lower chamber, they have upset the locals after moving a lot of the walls around in some effort to learn their secrets. We would be upset too! In fair and kind interest Legate Coffin Coffee Caliliope and the newborn Legate Vellyn have decided to close the trade route passage for now.

Legate Vellyn is notably a newborn elf and only has the station by right of nobility, many of her actions are carried out by her prelate until she comes of age. There was recently some issues brought up as concern that Child Labour Protections should be given to the Legate, but Coffin Coffee Calliope decided against them. When we learn more, we'll pass on the details to you!


Spiders dressed up as Woman run for Legate -

Tales of a sack and trenchcoated dressed up like a woman and full of spiders are running for Legate of Ephia's Well! What could spider politics influence on our recent trade agreement, and should we be worried about our industries being undercut by silk production? Doctor McGoodman suggests that spiders are too stupid to do anything other than eat bugs, so we're probably fine.


Volcano is Angry!? -

Word is that due to not enough Moteism to appease the Mote spirits of the Volcano is occurring, untold horrors might be unleashed! Rumors say that Moteism, the practice of hurling gnomes into the volcano on the islands Hufaidh, has slowed in recent years and only the combined strength of the rose might avoid this ultimate end. We hope someone is on the case!

A book detailing the Practice of Moteism: In Entry of the Sands is available in some book stores, we skimmed most of it to bring you these details without all the work of reading!
 

"Summarized"

So, the book starts and details in length how digging for gnomes is an effective way to find them, as they often are burrowing. However, you have to be careful not to get caught in your own gnome trap. Wow, that's some good advice!

[close]

Ugly Gnomes know best! Burn your trash! -

The Ugly Gnome has been working on trash powered heating for residents of Ephia's Well to great success. Called the Ugly Gnome ironically, this dashing Gnome Hero does face the woes of Moteism that has driven much of his business below ground. But he does his best to help the disenfranchised of Ephia's Well, at no cost to them! Maybe one of the Legates will wise up and make him a Magistrate?



Buster of Buster's Brews Running for Legate! -

Buster of Buster's Brews is running for Legate to dethrone Coffee Coffin Calilope and win the great coffee war of Ephia's Well. Mark this in your calendar, the truth of coffee in the next ages will be set in stone after this battle of the beans is through.


What do we know about Amani al-Ibrahim? -

Running for Gold Legate, Amani al-Ibrahim hasn't made their stake in the coffee war public, but we do think we can deduce based on his work in the scribes that Amani is /not/ pro joe of cup, but a bazeel purple blend supporter. However, they are closer to a working class man than the grand architect that works to build up her own coffee fortune. A moderate in the race, but you don't win many votes with moderation!


House fire in Ephia's Well! -

A house fire in Ephia's Well, rumored to have been caused by brooker-cooks making smoked meats, was stopped today by Orin Vossar. Eye witnesses say the robed man nearly avoided tripping over a ladder while carrying hundreds of water buckets with magical carts! What a story! The health code inspectors shut down this diabolical operation and gave them an F on the food safety scale.




Never forget Illul the 21st Massacre.

[Bearic]

The Green Leaflet - A Ramieton Newsletter,

-::Print: Qdim 2, IY 7789::-

Are the Astrologists Giving you Drugs to Make you Commit Crimes!? -

Word on the street is one man, Vaskr Farsong, was given clinical drugs with corrupt origins in test studies that knowingly would lead to his conviction in court!

The Sandstone Astrologists, famous for their recent issues below Ephia's Well with Jamileh and Zol Nur, are also testing out mind control drugs and how to best make them!

Be very CAREFUL to not let them take drugs in their labs and then use that against you in court. Do your drugs in your own caves, like civilized people. Shimmerdust is only illegal because they were jealous their own drugs didn't work as well, they made it illegal after the fact!



The Shadowmen are Real and they took me back to their house! -

Many people will make you think that the shadowmen and other things that crawl around the corners of your eyes when you do shimmerdust aren't real, but I know for a fact they are! I went back to their shimmering palace and had a cup of tea, they told me my life was nothing but a flicker of small light painted against a black endless sky, that so far away they might see it, it is already over. Wow! Take a chill pill man,  or maybe get Buster's Brews to do you!



CCC, the big hit! -

Shockwaves in the coffee wars as the aforementioned ghost of Legate Faith Kruehtzer in our reports of the primary debates has been hunted down and put to rest by a priestess of Kula! The exacts are still rushing in, dear reader, but we have reason to think this may be the work of the same Priestess that struck down a recluta the other week!

The Kula Priestess, Valeria Diira'Zar, who rumored maiden name is Princebleeder, is said to have a Sword that doubles as a Humidifier and uses it to confuse people into not knowing where they are! Be careful out there!

We have reason to think this may have been a professional hit by another up and coming coffee mover and shaker.