The Book of Big Bash

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 13th, IY 7789

I finally got rid of that damn onion flute! What a horrid little thing! I never want to hear the cacophony produced by one, ever again!

Instead, I have a trumpet now... Robert gave it to me. Only problem is that it seems to have been cursed by one of those crafty crones, so, it sounds like a flute, instead of a trumpet... So, there's still an air of whimsy to the announcements that call for instrumentation. Still, it's far more prestigious than that damn onion flute!

Doesn't deserve the name, either! Onions are a heavenly vegetable, a proper addition to any dish... Well, except for sweet desserts, I guess.

What's with these crones, anyhow? Don't they have anything better to do than pulling off peculiar pranks? If I had strange eldritch powers, I'd... Well, yeah, I'd pretty much do the exact same thing, really. They'd be harmless pranks, though. Like the ol' water bucket over the door... That never harmed anyone! Just that it'd all be more complicated than that, due to the strange eldritch powers, and all.

I'd probably just steal the shirts off strapping lads, really.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 14th, IY 7789

The Big Chums sent one of their own to be my bodyguard... While I appreciate the gesture, I find bodyguards to be just so awkward! To have someone just standing around there, at all times, looking over everything that you do, and treating each and every guest that you have with suspicion... It's plain ol' weird, is what it is! I'd rather have had a groknak...

Not that I want to be ungrateful, it's just that I could ride the groknak far, far away from here, and then I could start a groknak ranch... Well, you need more than one for that, I suppose. Still better than one fat guy!

Feller does seem nice though... His name is Barak. I just haven't seen him in two days! So, maybe it isn't going to be that bad... And he did have a giant parasol, too, so, my hands will get far less tired while he's around. Well, if he's around. I've had a surprising number of fellers walk up to me and declare their new professional relationship towards me, and then they just disappear! Is that a common thing among bodyguards, or is it just me...?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 15th, IY 7789

I had to hurry to the Council meeting with such great haste, that I forgot to get some coffee... What horrid shakes I had for the beginning! Absolutely nobody had any coffee... Not even my colleagues... You'd think that they'd be following proper coffee procedure! But I guess I wasn't, either, so... Who's really at blame, here? The Council, of course!

Anyhow, they voted on names for the cannons... I really wanted one of them to be "Larry", but they wanted to honor the dead, and there's no dead guys named "Larry" around here, so, I didn't get my wish. I guess it's better this way, but I still really like that name... At least I got multiple bundles of coffee as the meeting went on. So, I had the good shakes instead of the bad shakes!

As for the Assembly... Well, Mr. Butterbutts' entire extended family came for a visit! They were there to thank the Legates... How delightful! Gnomes are most avid fans of the chorale, so, they're really, really, really good at stating things in total sync with each other! So, it was a most concerted "thank you"! I do wish that they had regaled us with a song or two, too... Why's that not part of the proceedings, anyhow? Like, really, if there was a soulful choir, it'd be far more pleasant. It's all a big show, anyhow, so, it'd just fit in nicely with the rest!

What else...? Oh, I am absolutely starting to fucking hate these outfit rules for these things... Because nobody fucking listens to what I have to say! If I say that it's totally fine to wear something, then they start protesting it as if it wasn't okay...? It's awful. I kind of felt like leaving, just for that, but they're paying me to be there, so... I have to get paid.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 16th, IY 7789

Some talk of exploding chickens, now... I'm not letting Magnifica out of the house! Which I wasn't doing, anyhow, because making sure that she doesn't nab any food is such a big ol' hassle. And if she got caught, that'd be even a bigger mess, because then I'd have to defend her in a court of law, and I don't know much about that. Anyhow, I sure hope that those chickadees that blew up weren't from the Interdimensional Chicken Ranch of Tomorrow... They come here for a vacation, and no jolly holiday should include explosions of one's self!

What else...? Oh, Vellum and her posse confronted me about voting for her... It was so annoying, that I just told them that I'd think about it, which I am doing right now, so, promise kept, and after this, I won't pay any attention to the notion ever again, because I'll be playing tennis. I think tennis, dancing and spending time with my family are the only things keeping me sane these days! Oh, and food, too. If there was a muhammara shortage, I'd just get the fuck out of here, immediately!

Oh, and Welly's Apothar, now! How grand!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 17th, IY 7789

Ritz's restaurant is simply fabulous! The salad was delicious... scrumptious... outstanding! I loved it! I'll be sure to get my lunch from there every from now on... every other day! Half of the week'll go to Mro Po, and the other half to Ritz! I don't really know what half of seven is, but I'll make it work somehow.

Oh, and there was coffee creme, too. Coffee creme! Coffee as a snack, how marvellous! Though... as much as I love coffee, getting it in liquid form's for the best? As a solid, it'll just fill up your tummy, and then you'll have to rest a little, which goes against the whole point of coffee, which is to get so much energy and pep that you'll get everything done in a jiffy! So, not something I'll be enjoying that often... I mean, I avoid sweets in general, I have a petite figure to maintain!

I wish there was someone reviewing all these venues, so that I'd know what's worth visiting... Someone sensational, because then you'd know that their opinion is valid.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 18th, IY 7789

Something peculiar was going on at the Hope! They say that Jinah was injured... I hope that he'll be all right! I like him a lot... and not simply because he's one of our more diligent laborers! Just a real decent sort of guy, all in all. I'd give him a bigger budget, but everyone's got their purse strings tightened! Which stinks, because Minor Nuisances provides a valuable service to the community!

I sent him a gift basket... Well, I am footing the physician's bill, too, of course, if necessary. Anyhow, I love a good gift basket. It's just that most gift baskets stink! You get cheap booze and stale bread, and maybe like, dried fruit, which is just sugar, with none of the healthy nutrients, like mangosium. A great gift basket has like, novel perfumes, beautiful flowers, and something stirring to read... I mean, half the time you get a gift basket, it's because you're bedridden, so, it'd better have stuff that lasts and gets you through hard times!

I did have a business idea, too, but it's probably real hard to pull off... Have a prattle of parrots deliver the basket! Then they can sing a jolly song to the recipient afterwards, to cheer them up!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 19th, IY 7789

What an awful day! It was full of waiting... First, I had to wait for the stickers, which was simply dreadful! But I did get mine in the end... It has a cute griffon on it, alongside some lady. I don't know them. I think it's going for some sort of knightly motif? They should've chosen some knight that folk actually know, like Aubrey! Now there's someone that I can actually picture riding a gryphon into battle... while yelling a lot about injustice!

Then, Margarine came along, and she announced that it was Vellum's 777th birthday, well, she didn't give that exact figure, I can't remember whom did, but it doesn't really matter... Anyhow, there was promise of like, a big ol' birthday bash, and cake, and beach vacations, and a cake dance, and the cake dancer would be Selwyn, which sounded pretty neat!

But then I had to wait... I had to wait a whole lot! There was some dumb trial, which was apparently so boring that the audience was completely gone? Also, it lasted like twelve hours? Thankfully, when I started the waiting, it was already in its last three hours or something, so, I had to wait an awful lot of time, but not a hellish amount.

Then, there was a debate, and there were like, a hundred different questions, and they just kept coming and coming and coming, never ending, and I could simply picture that lemon cake in my mind, because I had seen it before, and I could also picture Selwyn popping out of it and doing a gay dance, which I hadn't seen but could see in my head, because I have a very vivid imagination! Also, Selwyn has a dancing diploma, so, their moves were pretty smooth. In my head. Because I didn't actually see that.

The debate did end eventually, but so did Vellum's reserves of energy, so, she went to sleep... I don't blame her. It was awful! But I do blame her for the lack of cake, so, I went to Selwyn's house, and gave myself the tiniest slice of cake! It was so tiny, that nobody would even notice that it's gone... Also, it's the desert, so, that cake didn't have much of a lifeline to begin with, so, someone simply had to eat it.

I don't really know what's going to happen to the rest of the cake... I guess Selwyn can nap inside for a while?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 20th, IY 7789

Cogsworth's orbs are mighty big... They're so big, that I just know that there's going to be trouble! Not that it is Cogsworth's fault... It's just that these caravaneering and war... ing... types are a messy bunch, so, they're going to leave them laying about wherever. You shouldn't be a filthy pig, even if there's a war going on! Clean after yourself!

So, there's going to be a bunch of folk tripping over them... Getting stuck in narrow tunnels... Dropping them on their toes... Suffocating to death because they thought it'd cool them during the night so they laid it upon their tummy... The risks are endless! Again, not Cogsworth's fault, just how geothermal orbs work. The bigger, the better... the cooling effect!

I do wonder if they're going to become a household staple, after the war? Absolutely everyone is going to want some cogorbs, I think!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 21st, IY 7789

Vellum is so certain that she's going to win, that they already have a bunch of plans in place! Thankfully, most of them are fun stuffs and things, like festivals, tournaments and such. So, it isn't the usual... and the usual is either boring, insane or just outright evil! Nice change, really. Don't know if that's enough to make me root for her, though. Need more than just the bread and the circuses! You need... the muhammara... the curd... Oh, I'm just hungry.

Anyhow, there's a whole bunch of ruckus about these peculiar bronze beasts, and now, a whole lot of caravaneers are carrying innards with them? It's real gross. It's for science, but I think science should stand to be more hygienic, so, it'd appeal to folk like me, whom actually have good manners and salutariness! Even butchers don't go carrying numbles around without proper packaging... In fact, they just get their apprentice to do that, so, they don't do it at all.

Which makes sense, since all the laborers around here are far more sensible than the caravaneering class!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 22nd, IY 7789

Vellum's Legate, now! I was tasked with announcing the tally of votes, this time around... I made a whole bunch of folk mad, because they're impatient bitches! They simply don't understand that reading such big ol' numbers is stressful work... Not that I care about the numbers themselves, rather I care about this exact impatience that folk showcase, so, it's their fault for making me stumble a little. If they were patient, then I would've announced all the numbers in about five minutes, or so...

There has to be a little bit of delay for showmanship's sake! If you just get the numbers immediately, that's no fun. Elections are just a big ol' show, anyhow, so... If there's no flair, what's the point?

Anyhow, Vellum seems, as some folk say, a "good egg", because she actually listened to my super secret briefing as her very first act! Out of all Legates, she's the... third? To do that, so... that's pretty good. Most Legates choose to listen to the whining of the Astronomers and Balladeers, instead, which is, frankly, mighty peculiar and hints of some sort of brain disease. I think it comes with the territory... Most folk whom want the job are guided by said ailment!

Oh, and Shaimela's dress? Simply fabulous! I wonder who designed it? Maybe it was one of mine... I have so many that I kind of forget about some of them.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 23rd, IY 7789

One of the Acolytes gave me a bunch of tea to taste test! How grand... Though I did not approve of the medicinal stuff! It tasted like cough syrup! Gross! The white and green tea were pretty great, though... Especially the green tea. It was simply the best! Which is confirms my mature, because green tea is one of those mature tastes... But it doesn't make me old, just mature, which is completely different.

Anyhow, she wants to open a tea shop in the Stockade? I don't really know about that. The folk around there don't need shops, they need a whole lot of help... Should be free tea, really. Though under such dire straits, you want free food, the most. I mean, everyone who's sane loves tea, but when you're that hungry, it's not much of a boon...

Maybe that new fountain can be a magickal one, so, it's a tea fountain...? Just... cold tea. You don't want the kids to jump around in hot tea and burn themselves! Well, you don't want kids playing around in a fountain for drinking, anyhow, but they're kids, so, they're going to do it anyhow.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 24th, IY 7789

You meet a lot of weird folk in the Krak... I met some guy whose name is Pecker Poings. Pecker Poings! That's no name! But considering all the weirdo names that these Outer Ringers have, it probably is what his parents actually named him. What a sad fate, to be known as Pecker Poings...

But that wasn't even the strangest thing! Some guy was wearing a tiny bucket on his head... and no, he wasn't a bucket elf... What made it even worse, was that it was a fairy pissy bucket! That's why it was so small! So, this guy had stolen a pissy bucket from some poor fairies, and was just strolling around town with it atop his noggin, as if it was no big deal at all! And I do mean poor, because usually, the fae have tiny lavatories, instead.

As if that wasn't odd enough on its own, Pecker Poings and Mr. Pissbucket then wrestled... over the concept of masculinity! Pecker Poings picked Pissbucket's pockets during the pugilism! So, Pissbucket kicked his ass. Pow!

It was mighty peculiar!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 25th, IY 7789

Apparently, Luther's really into fashion, of late, so, he's been training real hard, and he plans to beat me in the Fashion Show! I don't really know if he can manage that... I mean, I went to a vocational school and everything... I mean, I didn't go inside any building, and I'm pretty sure Dapper Lad only has a mailbox... Anyhow, I'm excited to see him try? It'd be pretty humiliating if a complete novice would beat me, though.

What's up with him, lately, anyhow? He keeps opening his mouth and making this mighty peculiar buzzing sound. It's just strange!

Also, Ramez and Robert, also known as Raro or Ra & Ro, had some black dragon pudding, or something like that, and wanted me to "investigate" it? I don't really get it? That's no case at all. It's just some blood sausage! If I was a detective, I sure wouldn't go for such nonsense... unless they paid me really well! And I'm pretty sure those two are destitute!

Also, also... Barak's a great bodyguard! I feel so safe around him!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 26th, IY 7789

I don't know how to feel about Kiran... She's very diligent, but she's also very rude, and a big ol' bully. She still hasn't apologized to me at all for being an utter weirdo, so, I'm not sure what to do with her. It's the tough thing about professional relationships... You have to do right by folk that you can't stand at all! It's real challenging. I think she'll make a fine Senior Scribe, at some point, though... Just hope that she doesn't expect that to happen too soon! So many Scribes expect it to happen on like, the third day or something. Which is nonsense!

They assigned me on some design work, for a change... A victory laurel for the Bloodsands. I want to make it out of heron feathers, but I'm not sure if that's too obvious? It'd look real nice, though. But then there's allergies, and such, and I'm pretty sure that bird fanciers tend to be sick a lot because of all the feathers? Magnifica's just fine, though, since she's a magickal chicken. That's completely different!

Problem with such designs is that I keep making the model in my sketchwork way too handsome! It's highly distracting! I'm too talented! If I only could meet such a man for real...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 27th, IY 7789

I'm really worried about Selwyn! It seems like they're caught in some sort of funny business... and not the kind that's actually funny! It's horrible! I wish I could do something to help, but those Banda contracts are way too expensive, and with how high my taxes are these days, I have barely any money to spare! Thousands of dinars for one month... or even one week... that's crazy! These caravaneers have way too much money for their own good...

They really should just make Selwyn the High Zenithar, and then shower them in ancient artefacts, so that nobody would even think of harming them... I'm pretty sure that's how it works. I mean, nobody messes with Q'tolip. They even had to settle for exiling him, because they couldn't do anything else. I think so, anyhow. And, and, nobody's told me why he's called that, yet. I think he just really likes tulips!

I don't really understand what kind of mess Selwyn is in... I hope it's not some weirdo Astronomer stuff!