The Book of Big Bash

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 15th, IY 7789

I wish I could stop fucking up... or just have a job where that doesn't really matter as much. So much stuff is always piled upon my plate, and then folk act all surprised when just one person can't handle all of it. I wish they'd fire me, really, but I don't know how much aftershocks that would have. Probably a plethora. Always some bundle of trouble waiting around the corner...

Don't think I'd have anywhere else to go, if they did, though. Folk all around the Disc wear my designs, but that doesn't really matter much. I still get paid less than the average lunatic around here, and I don't think that reputation's enough for a passport. Still love doing it, but I'd rather it actually... I don't know. Got me out of here? Maybe that's the only obsession I have regarding it.

Not really.

Thankfully I wasn't deciding... At least I don't think so. I don't know what I would've done. Probably had a panic attack and puked in the corner. Maybe pulled off a Marcellus and prayed to the Wheel for answers, well knowing that there wouldn't be any. It's all too much, too big of a responsibility for so few. Why's history not decided by the many? Well, sometimes it is, I guess, but it's all so chaotic then... Not that this differs, really.

I can only hope that those kids have better days ahead of them.

I can only hope, in general...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 16th, IY 7789

How does someone get as brave as Katya? My colleagues are simply enamored by her deeds. Every report's lavished with praise... Some of it's not really professional at all. More of a bard's tale, really. I don't mind? I prefer that, actually, but I kind of dread that Frederica's going to complain about how I'm not keeping them in check or something. I don't get the point of boring reports that nobody actually reads, when you can have a riveting tale, instead!

Anyhow, I don't know much about her... Katya, that is, I know an unpleasant amount about Frederica, which I wish I didn't, because then I could be strictly professional and avoid a lot of worry... I guess that's shitty of me to say, but again, I have enough to worry about, already. Anyhow, I don't know much about Katya, so, I don't know if she's as brave regarding other stuffs and things. I don't really know if most brave folk are like that. Like, you might have some lionhearted hero be a complete wuss in the kitchen, as in, they just completely lock up when faced with new cooking prospects? So, they're scared of like... cardamom. Not like, gets the shakes kind of scared, or in general, just, like, afraid to experiment with it?

I guess that's a different sort of bravery, really, but I really do wonder how these folk are like in their private lives? They simply must be completely different... Nobody can be a hero all the time! Well, brave... I don't know if there's much heroism in slaughtering a ton of orcs. Especially when you know, you know, what you know, you know?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 17th, IY 7789

A real fancy letter came in... I didn't get to read it! But maybe that's for the better, I really don't want to know more about anything, really... Well, anything related to the work. You eventually learn that the more you know, the less you know, but that doesn't matter, because if people think that you know more than you know, then they'll keep you under real tight watch, and I don't like that!

I kind of was hoping that it'd be my passport... I guess that's how desperate I am to get away from here. I don't know what a Baz'eeli passport looks, anyhow, so, it could be ostentatious to such an extent? Maybe they're laced with gold, or something, and the finest artists upon the Disc have painted a tiny portrait of you inside! I'd love that!

Instead, I'm just stuck with more and more work, and it never ends. I want a vacation! It should last about, oh, ten years or so. And then I'd retire right after that!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 18th, IY 7789

I've searched out and about, looking for a spicy dip that somehow manages to beat muhammara... Yet nothing comes even close! The peppers, the walnuts, the pomegranate, garlic, lemon... It all comes together in a way that can only be described as pure perfection! Whomever invented it was an absolute genius, truly blessed by the gods... Like, all of the gods, each and every single one that's ever existed, or will exist? That's just how good muhammara is!

I'm like, so stressed, that I can only think about eating, and writing about eating, because there's like, absolutely no stress involved in eating? Except there is, because I'm stress eating... But the great thing about muhammara? It's just simply so full of flavor, that even just a little goes a long way! So, I use my tiny little spoon, that I custom ordered because they didn't have anything small enough readily made, so, I have my very own diet spoon. It really helps!

Granted, I also instructed Tonka to swat my hand whenever I go beyond five spoonfuls... She's a real shrewd lady, so, she understood my instructions perfectly! If I only could give her some muhammara as a reward... But peppers are too spicy for a kitty's tummy!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 19th, IY 7789

I really wish I had someone to talk to... I mean, about big stuffs and things. I can talk about anything to Tonka and Inky, but they don't really fully understand, right? Especially not Inky, because they kind of don't understand anything that comes with personhood? Which I don't get myself... I mean, I don't get Inky's proclamation, because they obviously have a personality? So, they're a person?

NAY, SUCH IS NOT MINE FORM'S ESSENCE!

Oh, whatever... It's real weird, is what it is. Anyhow, right, I can't talk about big things to these two, but I also can't talk about them to strangers, because you shouldn't trust them, especially not on the Disc, because nothing good comes from that. And even I had someone that I could trust, then some of the stuff is like, big ol' secrets, that nobody really should know of, and that's why it's so painful to keep them inside? I wish I could just eat like, a magickal herb, that'd make me forget all about it, but just the specific things, because I don't want to get the full-blown amnesia, because I actually have some good memories now, just partial amnesia, where I forget about all the bad stuff...

I can't even talk about it to my doctor, Vijaya Bollimunta, because that'd probably place her under great danger! I wish I could've just stayed a florist... But even that was just a front for illicit business! When will I catch a break...?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 20th, IY 7789

I have a lot of henna... So much, that I might as well use it for something else than fine haberdashery! Yet my hair is already perfect, and if I have mehndi on my hands, folk will start asking what holiday it is, or who's getting wed, and then they'll get real mad when it's just an ordinary day, and I just wanted to look pretty? What a conundrum!

Oh, I'll try it out, anyhow, screw them! I'll decorate my well-manicured hands with the most dashing of floral patterns, and damn anyone whom is offended! Yeah!

It's nice to think about such things, instead of work... I've just been kind of, I don't know, skulking about the office? Like, make it evident that I'm there, but like, if I hear the Legate's door creak, I'm bolting off somewhere, like, preferably under a desk, because I'm tired of them and their stupid fucking assignments, and I'd rather do anything else? So, yeah, the art of mehndi is far more preferable.

Maybe if I'm good at it, I can make it my 21st job! Does it pay well? Because I need the money to get the fuck away from here!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 21st, IY 7789

I heard whispers of bubblium upon the wind... It gave me cold shivers! And not just because the wind was particularly cold... which it wasn't... because most of the time, it's real hot! Anyhow, it better be for good causes, instead of the utterly insane. I think bubblium should be more true to its name, and resemble bubbles, because no bubble ever caused any harm to anybody!

Besides that, it was real quiet...

Oh, I don't know what to write! Today was just so dull! I know that's actually a good thing, but still, if I don't have anything intriguing to do, I just get so bored... There's not even any hijinks to write about, because Tonka's been sleeping all day long, and Inky got deep into a particularly interesting book about cosmology... Particularly intriguing for them, that is, I couldn't care less! They never explain why some stars are pink in those tomes, and I think that's the most important question of them all!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 22nd, IY 7789

Folk sure get mad about dress codes... How hard can it be to find a suit or a dress? I sell them at a discount to the downtrodden! And it's not like I'm even particularly strict, if anything, I'm far more lax than most! I don't even inspect beards... I mean, I really should, probably, it's just that when it comes to beard oil, most of the chumps around here dab it on a little too strong! And the choice of aroma...? Good grief! The gods gave you a nose for a reason! Use it!

Anyhow, some official from Baz'eel was annoying Skarn... I'm not sure why. I would know why, if I wasn't so swamped with work, so, now I'm annoyed that I don't know why he was annoying him, so, he managed to annoy me, too, so, he's doubly a wanker! I simply must know why someone is being a catty bitch! I MUST! But now, after it's passed, it's yesterday's news, well, it's still today's news, because it's still not tomorrow. Whatever.

Skarn got so mad, that he slammed his big ol' dwarven fist right on the table! I'm glad that I didn't have my famous muhammara salad upon it... Then they'd blame me for getting muhammara all over the fine carpetry!

What else...? Oh, Shum came up with some gross word, that I already forgot about, thankfully. I think he should be barred from such activity in the future, for the sake of the sanctity of... words.

Oh, and King Osiron sent me a letter! It was full of praise! Well, the letter wasn't only for me, but... I kind of didn't listen to any of the other parts, so, it might as well have been. I wish I got more letters from kings, princes, emperors, sultans, and such. Instead, I get a lot of letters from some guy called Louie, who's really into wigs, and insists that my next fashion line feature them... even focus on them! Absolute nonsense! If you've got lustrous curls, you should flaunt them! And if you're unfortunate enough to be bald, well... wax that noggin! Wax it good!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 23rd, IY 7789

My Pumpkin Day pumpkin won't spoil... It looks as fresh as the day that I got it! I think they used some special sort of... lacquer? I don't really know how they're made. There's a lot of carving involved, that much I do know... Anyhow, the bees seem to like it? And Tonka occasionally sleeps inside... I'm not sure if I approve of such, though. I'd have nightmares, myself, if I slept inside a grinning pumpkin!

Speaking of those bees, I think they miss Richo... I sure do! But occasionally, when they're flying around the house... during the daily free flight that I give them... they land on the many souvenirs that I got from Richo, and their buzzing gets really solemn! I try to tell them that Richo's wandering the very corners of the Disc... if it even has corners... but that can only calm them down for a mere moment!

Richo better get back soon! So many folk ask me where the hell he is!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 24th, IY 7789

For some reason, Haknar thought that it'd be a good idea to hire the latest firée of the Well, Oswick Stiffstep. Now, I don't think that it's good policy to hire people that were just fired, for perfectly good reasons, too, so, I'm a little confused here. Yet Haknar's schemes usually work out pretty well, so, I just have to trust him, I guess. I better not regret this, though!

I just wish we got someone a little more ordinary for a change... These new recruits tend to be a bunch of weirdos. I kind of just have to tolerate it, and well, occasionally, that weirdness results in creativity, and sometimes, that creativity results in great service in the name of the Sultan. It's just that the occasionality of such prospects doesn't really embiggen one's spirit, you know? I kind of want just... some guy... who does a good job... and whom I can talk to during lunch hour... and doesn't do weird shit? But that's a lot to ask around here.

Not that the current hires are exactly disappointing, it's just... you know.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 25th, IY 7789

I used to love hunting for bargains... well, I guess I had to love it, because with my income, I couldn't buy anything else! Anyhow, now that I'm an artisan myself, I realize that the person who invented bargains and discounts was an absolute dingus! Why? Because after that, it's just been a long, long, long line of folk asking for discounts, and then getting really offended when you can't afford to offer one!

And I know, I know, there's an alternative, and it's to pretend that there's a discount, when it's actually the base price. I'm pretty sure that's what that dingus was angling for in the first place, but the thing is... I hate lying! I don't want to manipulate people! I just want to make cute things that bring a smile to people's faces! It's just that, you know, cute things cost a Lot of Money, so, I can't really just give it away for free? That's just dystopian. Or utopian. Whichever, I don't really care!

And then you have folk trying to mix bureaucracy into it... Why would you get a discount on your paperwork? That makes no sense! It gets even more bizarre when they try to bribe you for a discount...? Thankfully for those twits, I'm not here to abuse their idiocy. Someone's got to do the right thing... of not taking advantage of some truly stupendous stupidity!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 26th, IY 7789

Why the fuck don't I go with my gut more often?! And you can tell that I'm stressed, because I hate that metaphor, it's absolutely disgusting, and if you take it literally, then yeah, I go with my gut a whole lot, because I keep vomiting out of stress! AND I HAVE NOTHING BUT STRESS TO GIVE!

Next time they bring forth some flea-ridden thug from the sewer, and go, "hey, Bashir, this guy would make a perfect Scribe, because you know, his rotten gums look simply dashing and are sure to attract in plenty of customers", I'm going to throw whatever stationery I have right at them, and tell them to fuck right off, back to whatever swamp of lunacy that they came from! HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU EVEN BEGIN TO THINK THAT SOMEONE LIKE THAT WOULD MAKE A PROPER BUREAUCRAT IN THE SERVICE OF THE SULTAN?!

I haven't eaten a single fucking thing since breakfast, and I am not going to, because whenever I think about today, I can feel my tummy evacuating its contents. Which, due to a severe lack of said content, basically feels like it's punching itself repeatedly, with the same relentless rhythm as the average Banda shakedown. It's fucking awful!

I'm just going to sleep... I'll probably have countless nightmares, but who gives a shit, I don't want to be aware of any of this, I don't want to be aware of the Disc, I just want to be left alone...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 27th, IY 7789

Rest is good...

except I wake up here, each and every time. Dreams of more pleasant places seem like a derisive deception, just there to make the early waking moments that much worse.

I don't know how to feel about it. Maybe I'm losing it, but at times, this just feels like it's a carefully constructed hell of some sort... But as sinful of a life as I might've lead, I can't think of a single action deserving of something so harrowing. I really can't.

"Do not lament your own hand in this"... But I have to. I hire these people, even if I am forced to do so. I place trust in them, because I want to. I just... want to trust, unconditionally, for once in my life, but it always comes back to haunt me, in the end. Yet I keep doing that, probably out of some naivety that the gods hammered into me from the very start.

And I don't know what to do... or what I want to do. Just keep getting flashes of the worst outcomes... that even if we make it to the end, it'll just continue. The shifting of blame, of responsibility, a constant barrage of assignments that they know that I despise, mired in some facade of "respect" that never actually resembles what it's even meant to imitate... and then they get offended that I'm offended.

When it's all over, I feel like walking away... It doesn't matter if they let me, it's just what I feel like.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 28th, IY 7789

People are so obsessed with audits and judicial minutiae that these assemblies have been awfully dull, of late... I kind of miss the chaos, really, even though the aftermath was always something that we Scribes had to clean up. But now they basically want to audit everything, like, you could have a kebab stall in the Souk, and some harebrained idiot would probably want to look at their numbers, instead of, you know, eating the kebab, which is what the stall is there for. I don't get some people...

So, I instead just spoke to Selwyn a lot, which was far more pleasant, and something that I really should be doing during every single Assembly. But I think folk would start complaining about it, eventually, if they noticed, so, I have to do it via subterfuge, or something, maybe dress as someone else, and only reveal that it's me when folk start complaining about me not being there, though there has to be a way to avoid all these complaints completely... Maybe just go to lunch with Selwyn, instead, and burn all the letters that seem like complaints, afterwards? I don't know.

I mean, I could frame it as an audit of some sorts, because by having lunch at a lot of places, I am sampling their goods, and getting a better understanding of their commerce, so... I mean, why isn't it done like that, anyhow, that's far more pleasant than a bunch of boring ol' numbers?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 29th, IY 7789

Shum discovered some sort of ancient wisdom, and now, his eyes are kindled with a burning desire for more knowledge! Something like that, anyhow. I don't really get it. What I do get is that such archaeological treks are probably a really good source of income for eye doctors? Like, someone discovering forbidden knowledge basically means that the local doctor has a client for the rest of their life?

How do you treat such an ailment, though? Do you submerge them in a pool? Just carefully drop a few beads of water right into their eyeballs? This is just a mighty peculiar occupational hazard...

Also, what determines l'essence of apparel...? Like, what gives them that dieu sait quoi, that something, which reveals so much about the wearer...? Is it the bearer's actions, or ? Like, is a priest's garb seen as that because the priest made them out to be that, or is it the clothes that make him a priest? I think it's like, the outcome of sociocultural history, planting certain connotations in people's minds, so, basically, the outcome of a bunch of past stuffs and things... But what made l'artiste decide upon those particular features in the first place? Where does the first inspiration come from? It'd be awful boring if it was just the gods, because like, then it wouldn't really be the artist, unless it's like a communion, that's like, completely mutual, but I think gods are supposed to be foremost in all regards, so who knows...

WHAT.