The Book of Big Bash

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Iyar 28th, IY 7789

You'd think Shum would behave himself after disappearing without telling anyone... especially not me... but now he's hiring kids to go to some dangerous tropical island with him! That's no good! Maybe all that time stuck in the Tower made him go stir crazy... though I kind of find his explanation dubious. Personally, I think that the Crone of Dance really did kidnap him, and force him to dance endlessly for months, and the trauma from that was just so horrid that he started lying to himself that it never happened!

Of course, in most cases, ceaseless dancing is simply a joy, and not traumatic in the least... But being forced to do that by a peculiar crone? Simply harrowing!

I want souvenirs from that island, but I'm totally certain that nobody will bring me anything at all, like usual. It stinks! I always bring souvenirs to my friends... except when I forget. That's completely different, because it's not a lack of consideration. I just can't remember everything. And usually, my trips around the desert have so much going on, and folk start yelling at me when I try do so some shopping.

I'm pretty sure we'd have a surplus of apples if folk had simply allowed me to do a little shopping during that trip to Alkab, for one...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 1st, IY 7789

Selwyn has brain bugs, now...? Maybe? Seems like it? Peculiar beams of curious origin shot straight out from his noggin, towards seemingly random people, during the Assembly... Well, maybe they weren't that random. Anyhow, I don't know where Selwyn got those brain spiders from, because I'm pretty sure that you need to inject yourself with a big ol' needle to get them. Why'd they do that? Didn't make much sense when Narwen did that, either...

Maybe I'm misremembering, but I certainly remember some sort of injection being involved!

Anyhow, the Assembly was real long, and it was supposed to be even longer, because Vellum brought in some big ol' board that had a bunch of stuff about merits and such, and the Accord were supposed to list all the good that they had done for the Well. Seems like a school project, or something... At least they do stuff like that at the Sandstone. I think. I just peep inside the classrooms, occasionally. They just let you walk in! They don't even ask what you're studying!

Also, folk keep asking me questions about utterly boring shit! What do I know about accounting...? I'm not an accountant! They can never, like, ask me about the stuff that I'm actually interested in... Like, "what's Alkab like", or "what dyes are imported from Banafsi"... I think it's obvious that I know about stuff like that, instead of dumb, utterly boring, and completely useless numbers...

In general, folk want me to handle everything. And then they get real mad when I tell them that I'm already assigned on something! If you're so interested in the damn thing, why won't you do it yourself? Especially because they all seem to know so much about the utterly dull subject already... I hate this job! All nineteen of my other jobs are far more pleasant!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 2nd, IY 7789

Blame.

Don't really know where to direct it. Piled it upon myself, at first. Felt like simply disappearing into the night without a trace, after I saw what they did to that tree.

Not a tree. Not a tower, either...

Stupid fucking vagueries, really. All of this is surrounded by those.

Don't know if it's part of the cycle. Feels like it is. Would fit, really. Make someone's attempts at breaking out an integral part. Never let go.

Endless.

Don't know how many of them are actually going against the grain, or think that they are.

Don't know which spoke they represent.

Don't know shit, really.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 3rd, IY 7789

Horton, and his big ol' hog, are back in town! He said that he was "sacked"... and I think I know the truth about that! He really does mean that he was put in a big ol' sack... because that's the sort of thing that happens to him. It's just the same thing as with Shum... being kidnapped is just so harrowing, that you start lying about it to yourself. I know, because I've been kidnapped about fifty times. That is not the exact amount, because the truth, again, is just so harrowing.

Also, he was also metaphorically sacked, because they really did fire him, because he was gone for so long. Also, also, he helped me with my latest design! It's very Banafsian! Also, also, also, Cork is jealous of his big ol' hog. Also.

ANAMNESIS!

I told you already, I'm not calling it that! I don't even know what that means! Nobody does... other than you... I'm going to call it... "Lovebird"! Or... "Lovebug"! Wait, no, mentioning bugs is just gross, no matter what the context...

ANAMNESIS! ANAMNESIS! ANAMNESIS!

Fine, I'll consider calling my next piece that! As long as you explain what it actually means!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 4th, IY 7789

I learned something new about Selwyn, today... They're a shaman! Well, they carry a lot of totems around, anyhow, apparently, for some reason. I think carrying totems around is a sure sign that you're a shaman, though, so, they just are that to me, now. A star shaman! Then again, I don't really want them to be a shaman, because they do a lot of drugs, and I'm pretty sure that Selwyn can't even handle coffee, so, yeah, maybe they should just stick to being... a card... magickian. I don't really know what Selwyn does? Like, for magick? They throw cards around, that much I do know.

Also, Zol Nur got mad at me, because I had heard some outdated rumors about him having a ton of water, so I told folk not to give him any for free, because that's just greedy, well, it would be greedy if he actually had as much water as folk were talking about... I'm still not sure if I believe him, though, he kind of just lies occasionally? He just does it in that annoying half-truthy sort of way. That's no good! So, he really shouldn't be so mad at me, if I have trust issues towards him... I'll still try to respect his water needs, because I'm a real nice guy.

Oh, and that Mr. Quigsby? A total tosser! He got mad at me because I'm too busy to help him with his card tournament! I'm already tied to the Fashion Show, and the Bloodsands, too... I can't do everything... Why do folk always ask me about everything, and then get real mad about it, when I'm just so busy? It's not fair...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 5th, IY 7789

Selwyn and Cork are having relationship issues, again... Lately, all they seem to do is just fight, fight, and fight, and then they make up, and then it begins all over again! I don't really know what the exact reason for that is, because they used to be such good buddies, before. Maybe they're just a really dramatic couple! Who knows... I do wish that they'd just go back to how things were. It's no fun seeing them be sad and sour about it!

Maybe the local matchmakers should also offer counseling in such cases... but bringing money into love and friendship is no good!

Anyhow, I finally finished the adjustments that Alice had paid for, a long, long, long time ago. It's just that whenever we run into each other, we're usually both real busy! But now, the horrid counterfeit toga that Dogretti had bought for her from Spokes knows where... is a most stylish tabard! So, some good truly can come from really bad things. Or something. I'm not really waxing poetic today... Oh, and I also did some chromawork on Nigel's robe! Well, I dyed it. I'm not sure if "chromawork" will catch on. Not one of my best...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

HZIRAN 6TH, IY 7789

LATTERLY, MINE BUNKIE IS MOST RELUCTANT OF GRANTING THEIR APPROVAL TO MOST EVERYTHING. VERITABLY, THE PROCESS OF GAINING SAID RATIFICATION IS AN EMINENTLY RECONDITE PROCESS, AND EVEN AMIDST MOST SPATIO-TEMPORAL INSTANCES OF SUCCESS, IT IS REDUCED TO MERE ACQUIESCENCE.

MINE THEORY IS THAT THE PERSONAGELY PHENOMENON KNOWN AS "AUTHORITY" IS EXTRINSIC TO THEIR VERY ESSENCE. THUSLY, AS DICTATED BY THEIR STATION, WHICH IS, BY ALL MEANS AND PURPOSES, ILLUSIONARY, AND FORGED MERELY FOR THE SAKE OF THE PECULIAR RITUAL KNOWN AS "DELEGATION", THEY ARE COMPELLED TO DEPICT THEIR EXTERNALITIES WITH A PARTICULAR COMPORTMENT.

MINE BUNKIE IS A LETTERED THESPIAN, YET SUCH PROCLIVITIES ARE TRULY INCONGRUOUS FOR THEIR MIEN INSOFAR THAT SUCH A REVUE CANNOT BE MAINTAINED. NOT FOR THE PLENTEOUS AMASSMENT OF SPATIO-TEMPORAL INSTANCES NECESSITATED, REGARDLESS.

THE FOREMOST THOUGHT PATTERNS SURROUNDING MINE DELIBERATIVE ORGANS ARE OF "WORRY". WE MUST PREPARE ASSISTANCE!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 7th, IY 7789

Lately, Inky's been writing in my diary... I don't really mind, because I've learned an important lesson... A lesson about sharing! Also, it's like getting a free surprise, every now and then. A peculiar surprise, but a surprise nonetheless! They also do découpage. Which makes sense, they really like poems! Nobody can see mine, though... That's private!

Seeing Inky carry about paper cuts of various shapes is so adorable! I think they learned from Tonka. Not that she carries paper, much... Just other stuffs and things.

I did consider sprucing up boring ol' paperwork with découpage, too, but I'm pretty sure someone would complain. People always complain around here, no matter how small or silly the matter... It's why I don't do the board, anymore. Well, I just don't announce it as such, and kind of do it anyhow... I think it's important to announce such deeds, as morbid as they might be!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 8th, IY 7789

My sketchbook is so full of ideas... Thousands upon thousands of them! Choosing just one is simply far too difficult! Yet I believe in "Matchmaker"... I can only hope that others do, as well! Maybe it inspires some to take up the mantle... maybe with a little love, the Well would be... pretty much the same, who am I kidding? But at least the lover's quarrels would be simply entertaining!

And yes, we lost a skirmish, for the first time in months, but I don't want to think about that, I'm already surrounded by a miasma of misery, and the only thing I know how to do, really, at this point, is to just completely ignore it and pretend that it's not there. Which, contrary to what folk say, actually works, as long as you kind of side eye the situation at times, so that you know when to run when it boils over...

Speaking of running, I ran a lot today. So, I feel pretty good about the annual Scribathlon! ...which is probably cancelled, with the war and all. But I still feel good about it! I haven't seen a rainbow in years, but I still feel good about those... Doesn't really have to actually happen to get me all giddy and gaga.

Wish this war was just a sporting event, really. But I suppose that is what it is for the orcs...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 9th, IY 7789

It is really heartening to see so many take part in the Fashion Show! I just wish we had more chefs. I guess we could make it a broad talent show, but you can't really package stuff like acrobatics into a prepared product that you can just buy off the shelf. Maybe with illusionary magicks? Yet I'd just prefer the real thing, really... And not just because acrobats are hot, hot, hot!

Anyhow, Luther caused quite the stir... Apparently he based his design around some traitor house! I heard hooting and hollering about vampires, or something. Maybe it was crocodiles, instead, and I misheard. Yet that makes far less sense, in the end... which suits all this Outer Ring stuff just fine! It's all nonsense! You lived in a square that ticked? Who cares!

Banana's design, as always, was so pink, that they called in a physician, because folk thought they had pink eye. That didn't actually happen, and neither does pink eye make your vision pink, it's just... oh, forget it! The dress was dedicated to Stern. I've never seen Stern wear pink. I don't think she ever has. Like, during her entire life. I'm pretty sure she wore all black before she became a crazy star mage. As for Banana... why pink? The name suggests yellow! It's right there! It'd be brilliant... the "Banana Line"... and it's all yellow! Even the logo draws itself!

Catalina had a fun idea... Write a play around the design! Yet her actors did not recite their lines... Wait, did she only have one actress? Am I confusing her's with Luther's? For some reason, Luther had a play too, and it was real weird. Again, Outer Ring stuff. Nonsense! Anyhow, you really should have your actors read their respective lines, because, like, it's not pantomime... I think in pantomime, only the narrator speaks. I think so, anyhow. Maybe I'm thinking of something else. I never went for that stuff... I prefer cabaret!

Wait, what's the difference between the two...? They really need more entertainment around here!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 10th, IY 7789

Cork told me that there was an underground Nadiri wrestling ring! Well, he didn't say that exactly, but reading between the lines, that's pretty much what you get, and I'm pretty good at that, because I have to read a lot of boring shit, so, I have to improvise and skip a lot of it... Anyhow, there was no wrestling, they were just debating, which is just dull. I was kind of interested in hearing Selwyn's debate, though. You've got to be there for your friends, even if they're engaging in dullery!

Cork really needs to express himself better... I wonder how many of their fights started from his unclear utterances? I don't want to blame him in particular, but...

Also, what the fuck is a "fedora", and where did they come from? I do not approve of such horrid hattery! It's somehow even worse than top hats! How horrible! Why can't everyone just wear a fez, or a turban, or a tuque, or anything else presentable or cute?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 11th IY 7789

A cloud of bats chased after me all day long, attempting to maraud me for my tasty fruits and veggies! It was simply dreadful... Granted, it was good exercise, but the stress caused by the prospect of losing my yummy snacks is just too much! I don't know where these bats are coming from, but they really should learn some manners, and learn to ask kindly, because if they had asked me for some, I would've gladly shared! A shared meal, after all, is the tastiest meal of all!

The biggest problem with bats, however, is the fact that they're so cute! Kind of like tiny flying foxes... So, I get a most powerful whim to pet them, which is fine if it's someone's pet and they tell you that it's okay, but if it's a wild one, you'll probably get rabies, or a plethora of other painful diseases! I think cuteness should be tied immunity, just because of stuff like this! And well, it'd be really nice to never get sick, because, after all, I am the cutest!

Then again, then you'd never get sick leave, and you couldn't even fake it, because folk would just go, like, "you're cute so, you can't get sick", and it'd be awful, because some days, I don't want to meet anyone at all, so, faking a horrid illness is simply the best way to spend the entire day inside by my lonesome...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Hziran 12th IY 7789

There's a few things that a Scribe should avoid mentioning, because most everyone around here is an overly curious dingus... Well, there's a lot, but right now, I'm thinking of the Pyramid's basement, and the Stacks, because I talked about them today, so, I have an excuse to write about them!

Anyhow, every single time that I mention that there's a basement, someone insists on going down there! It's a basement! It's not a wine cellar, and neither is it a mushroom farm, and those are like, the only interesting places that I can think of being situationed under a building... Well, maybe a tavern. The basement is none of these three things! We just store old stuff and things in there, and none of it is interesting!

Like Domhnall's eel tank, that's like, just a reminder of someone's utterly peculiar brain ailment, so, why'd you want to see that? Or like, the thousands upon thousands of newspapers, which we store, for some reason, because I really don't understand why'd anyone would want to read old news, because that's all stuff that happened before, and when I'm reading the news, I want to hear about new things, because it's not called an oldpaper.

I think Jaecop's still swinging his katana around like a lunatic down there, which admittably sounds pretty funny, but it's also sad, and if I want to see such a combination, I'd rather just see a tragicomedy. I mean, I would, if they actually had any theatre around here.

As for the Stacks... You're just going to get eaten by stationery! I mean, I guess that's an interesting way to die, but it's even more likely that a bookcase will fall on you and you'll slowly starve to death with broken ribs, and that's just boring, painful and sad, all at the same time... I guess that qualifies as a good time for the Urazzir.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

HZIRAN 13TH, IY 7789

MINE BUNKIE ABSORBS MANY A VEGETATIVE GROWTH INTO THEIR FORM. HOWBEIT, HE LEAVES MANY FRAGMENTS UNUTILIZED. FOR INSTANCE, THE GROWTH KNOWN AS THE "BANANA" HAS A LAYER WHICH HE ABANDONS WITH WANTON, MERELY CASTING IT ASIDE INTO THE CONTAINER OF DISCARDED OBJECTS! YET MINE THOUGHT PATTERNS REVEAL THAT THIS HEBETIC LAYER IS MOST SUITABLE FOR THAT MOST SACRED OF RECORDING VENDIBLES... PAPER!

I REPORTED INTO HINE LISTENING ORGAN MINE IDEA FOR THIS "BANANA PAPER", YET HE REBUFFED MINE NOTION, STATING THAT TONKA OF KHATARA HOLDS A MOST STALWART DISESTEEM FOR THE AROMATIC QUALITIES OF THE HUMBLE "BANANA". CONSTRUING THIS AS A MERE PLOY TO DISPARAGE MINE FAIR NOTION DUE TO HIS DILATORY ESSENCE, MINE BEING WAS COERCED TO EXPERIMENTALIZE THIS INTELLECTION. IN A MOST STRENUOUS EXERCISE, I BEHELD THE INTEGUMENT OF THE "BANANA" BEFORE TONKA OF KHATARA'S ORGAN OF REDOLENCE. SHE PROCEEDED TO STRIKE AT IT WITH HER BARBED EXTREMITIES, FURTHER ACCENTUATING HER REPUGNANCE WITH A DISPLAY OF HER MOUTH APPENDAGE!

DISTRUST IS MINE GREATEST DEFICIENCY! MINE YEARNING IS MERELY THAT SHE CAN EXONERATE MINE TRANSGRESSION!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Their eyes locked lovingly, as Kamal began caressing Faris' shapely chest, forged in the countless flames of love and war. As fiery were the lad's ginger curls, irresistible to Kamal, whom subtly shifted his lithe, well-manicured digits towards them for an amorous embrace. "Truly a ginger lad", Kamal thought to himself, as Faris' fiery fervid hot spicy perfume penetrated infiltrated

Oh, this is just awful! It'll never work... Wait, this isn't my notebook, it's my diary! That's completely different!

Hziran 14th IY 7789

Today, I mistook my diary for my notebook! It's so embarassing... That's what elderly folk do, and I have at least eighty years before I can be referred to as such, so, I really should avoid making such grayish mistakes, before I really start getting gray hairs, and I don't want gray hair, because it would ill fit my complexion, I'd much rather have white hair, like Selwyn, because that's just stylish!

Anyhow, nothing else happened today, so I don't have much to write about. I did find one of Inky's notes, again? It was about bananas, or something. They think that I'm being wasteful? But Tonka is allergic, so, I don't even wear my banana perfume, anymore, out of the sheer love that I have for my family! Also, banana oil is really hard to extract, so, that perfume either cost too much or was really hard to make by myself. I don't really like squeezing bananas! It just feels wrong.