The Journal of Bashir Khatara

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 17th

Efuddle is such a fun game! I don't have to think about maths at all when I'm playing it! Even Royal Dragon has maths in it, which I can tolerate because it's otherwise really fun... Anyhow, my word was too hard! Pique! It took me five guesses! I only got one point for that! Can the points be exchanged for something...? I want a tiny copy of Narwen's map... Well, not a literally tiny one, but a smaller one! Pique's a stupid word! It means too many things!

IT IS RATHER INTRIGUING THAT YOU CLASSIFY A WORD AS "STUPID", SIMPLY BECAUSE IT HAS MULTIPLE MEANINGS, WHICH ARE QUITE SIMPLE TO DETERMINE FROM CONTEXT.

It is easy, it's just that I don't want to do that, anyway... Why does a word need like six different meanings, some of which have nothing to do with each other? It's dumb... Anyhow, I'm glad that there's plenty of games to play, especially on days like this where nothing really happens.

Oh, I did see a knight! A knight who isn't a Balladeer! Her name is Lilly, and she's a lily knight... Her cape is so gorgeous! If I was a knight, I'd wear a cape with a peacock on it!

A FACT THAT SURPRISED NOBODY.

They're beautiful birds! That plumage is so wonderful! Peacocks are one of my favorite birds!

ONLY THE MALES HAVE SUCH OSTENTATIOUS TAIL FEATHERS. THE FEMALES, MUCH LIKE WITH MOST BIRDS, HAVE DECIDEDLY DEMURE FEATHERS AND COLORING. THE ACTUAL BIRD IS CALLED A PEAFOWL.

And? Why would I care? Why would I have a peahen on my cape? I'm a guy!

I AM QUITE UNCERTAIN WHETHER YOU GENUINELY MISCONSTRUE OTHERS SO FREQUENTLY OR IF YOU ARE SECRETLY GRATIFIED WITH HOW ANNOYED IT MAKES THEM.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 18th

Don Souk had a mysterious auction for a mysterious bag, full of mysterious swords and other mysterious miscellanea! Bea bought it for 1800 dinari! That's a lot of money! It's for a good cause, because Don Souk seeks redemption for his dark past of sword theft! But wouldn't redemption for that involve giving out swords...? Which he has already done...? Maybe Aurelio's just really thirsty. Or he's trying to go sober.

THE BOOKS IN YOUR LIBRARY PAINT A PECULIAR PICTURE OF THIEVES. ALL OF THEM ARE MEN. THEY NEVER SEEM TO ACTUALLY STEAL ANYTHING. INSTEAD, THEY SPEND THEIR NIGHTS APPEARING ON BALCONIES AND WINDOWSILLS, WHERE THEY EMBRACE OTHER MEN, WHOSE PHYSIQUES ARE DESCRIBED IN EXCESSIVE DETAIL.

DON OF SOUK DID NOT OPERATE LIKE THIS. EITHER HE WAS NEVER A THIEF OR THE BOOKS THAT YOU ADORE ARE HIGHLY UNREALISTIC.

I mean, yeah...? They're supposed to be titillating! How do you not know what an actual thief is like?

YOUR LIBRARY HAS NO TOMES ON JURISPRUDENCE.

Of course not! I want to read about interesting things!

Anyhow... I also went to Qadira with the Torchbearers... They were leaving messages for Banafsian refugees, to guide them towards Ephia's Well. I don't really get it, though! Alkab's right next door, so wouldn't that be an easier journey...? I know that they can't all go there, but still... The Well just seems like the worse option. Maybe the Alkab in my mind is far better than the actual place, though.

YOU SHOULD OBTAIN BOOKS DESCRIBING ALKAB SO THAT I CAN ASSESS JUST HOW INCORRECT YOU ARE.

Sure. Also... You kept changing color, previously... Why are you staying orange now?

SHADES OF ORANGE CULTIVATE DEEPLY POSITIVE EMOTIONS IN YOU. I BELIEVE THIS IS CALLED A "FAVORITE COLOR".

That's so sweet! Thank you!

BY APPEARING ORANGE, YOUR ATTENTION STAYS ON ME FOR AN AVERAGE OF TWO SECONDS MORE. THIS KEEPS YOU FROM BEING DISTRACTED BY YOUR FLOWERS, PERFUMES, THE NOISES ORIGINATING FROM YOUR NEIGHBORS, OR THE COUNTLESS OTHER VAGARIES THAT INVADE YOUR MIND ON A CONSTANT BASIS.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 19th

There was a philosophical debate at the Sandstone... I thought more about the seating than I did about the subject, because philosophy is really hard! I think the best seat for such occasions is in the lower middle row, on either side. You aren't in the front, so people can't see if you're bored or confused! You aren't in the back, so people don't question your commitment! Since you're on the side, you can just leave quietly without drawing too much attention, if it proves too boring or difficult...

Of course, this only works if there's actually people in front of you, which there weren't for most of the time, so it was about the same as sitting in the front... And then I had to go to the lavatory, and Aaisha took my seat, so I had to move further ahead, but then she left, and I reclaimed the seat...

IF YOU PUT AS MUCH EFFORT INTO INTELLECTUAL ENDEAVORS AS YOU WASTE ON SUCH TRIVIALITIES, YOU WOULD BE AN ESTEEMED SAGE.

There was another melek attack... One of their champions started chasing me around! But I'm so quick on my feet, and good at hiding, and Narwen is so good at fighting, that the big bully wasn't standing on its two feet for very long! I wonder why they keep coming to the Gate of Roses, lately? Maybe they really hate lavatories. Or the ones that were unearthed were their private ones.

PLEASE REFRAIN FROM WRITING ABOUT LAVATORIES SO MUCH. OR AT ALL.

But I don't really have anything else to write about! It was a slow day! Marcellus came back, I guess, but he didn't even remember that I was organizing the feast! So I don't want to write about him!

YOU JUST DID.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 20th

Ast was beheaded! Thankfully I didn't see it, because I was checking my flowers for aphids... Thankfully there were none! I don't know what I would've done if I found even one! I would've been so distraught!

Oh, and of course it's sad that Ast died, but... We need all the allies we can get, and he nearly wrecked the rare chance we got for a new one, so... Kind of difficult to care too much. Dwarven traditions are so weird. Well, here, anyhow. What's wrong with charity? Say you're dying of thirst in the desert... You're going to refuse someone's gift of water because some syphilis-addled geezer decided that it was wrong some centuries ago? That's so stupid!

TRADITIONS USUALLY HAVE FAR MORE COMPLEX REASONS BEHIND THEM, MOSTLY PERTAINING TO THE MATERIAL CONDITIONS PREVALENT IN THE REGION THAT A CULTURE RESIDES IN.

HOWEVER, VENEREAL DISEASE DOES COUNT AS ONE SUCH CONDITION, AND IT DOES APPEAR SURPRISINGLY OFTEN IN HISTORICAL CHRONICLES. ONE MORE REASON WHY PEOPLE SHOULD NOT ENGAGE IN FORNICATION.

You're no fun... I'm keeping those history books away from you from now on!

THEIR KNOWLEDGE HAS ALREADY BEEN ABSORBED INTO MY VERY BEING.

That's so revolting! Anyhow... I need to write a letter? But I don't know what I should write in it because it's an assignment and I wasn't actually told what should be in it? Like am I supposed to guess what he wants in it? Am I just supposed to write what I want? What a weird assignment... I can't ask them for one of those machines that makes coffee, because I'd just get yelled at.

BREVITY.

What?

JUST WRITE AS BRIEFLY AS POSSIBLE, TO MATCH THE QUALITY OF YOUR ORDERS.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

SUBAT 21ST

ONCE MORE, HE HAS FORGOTTEN TO SEAL THE INKWELL PROPERLY. I HAVE DELVED INTO THE ROOM AND SCRUTINIZED ITS CONTENTS AND OCCURRENCES TO THEIR FULL EXTENT, BEYOND THE DESULTORY CONTENTS OF HIS BOOKCASES. THROUGH THIS, I HAVE GAINED AN ABUNDANCE OF INFORMATION.

HIS FIRST ACTION UPON RETURNING IS TO REMOVE HIS UNIFORM. THE WARDROBES ARE FILLED WITH VARIOUS EXTRAVAGANT FABRICS. HE IMMEDIATELY CHANGES, GIVING EACH AND EVERY ARTICLE OF CLOTHING GREAT CONSIDERATION. YET HE AND HIS NIGHTLY GUESTS ARE THE ONLY ONES TO WITNESS THESE APPARELS.

THE FLOWERS ARE HIS MOST PRIZED POSSESSION. WHEN ENGAGED WITH THEM, ALL PRETENSE IS GONE. THE MOST DISTURBING OF PERSONATIVE EXPRESSIONS, THE SO-CALLED "GRIN", IS EVER PRESENT DURING THESE MOMENTS OF AMATEUR HORTICULTURE.

HE SCRUBS AND WIPES HIS MIRROR TO AN OBSESSIVE DEGREE. EVEN THE SLIGHTEST SPECKS OF DUST ARE IMMEDIATELY ELIMINATED UPON DISCOVERY. HE IS PLEASED BY HIS REFLECTION. HE IS NOT PLEASED BY INTELLECTUAL ENDEAVORS THAT REQUIRE EFFORT. ANY ENGAGEMENTS WITH MORE COMPLICATED TOMES ARE ACCOMPANIED BY SIGHING AND CURSING, FOLLOWED BY HIM TOSSING THEM ASIDE. HE DOES NOT LACK THE INTELLECT REQUIRED FOR THEM. HE LACKS CONVICTION.

HE WRITES LETTERS THAT ARE NEVER SENT. HE LAYS ON THE COUCH, MURMURING WORDS TO HIMSELF. TO HIS FLOWERS. TO MY INKWELL. WORDS THAT ARE NEVER SPOKEN TO ANYONE ELSE. DOUBT FILLS EVERY WORD. CONFIDENT, YET NOT. A PECULIAR JUXTAPOSITION.

DESPITE THE DIMUNITIVE SIZE OF HIS PERSONAGE, THE FURNITURE IS STILL TOO SIZEABLE FOR ME AND REQUIRES ALL OF MY POWER TO CLI

What in the goddamn is this?! You wasted an entire page! Bad Inky! No books for you!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 22nd

I think I've been working too hard... I keep falling asleep constantly... At least I have pleasant dreams now, most of the time. Yesterday I fell asleep at the Krak, and I dreamed that I lived in a frangipani tree. It wasn't one of those giant trees elves or druids have, either, I was just tinier than usual. I think one of those oneiromancers would have a lot to say about my dream, but I think I just really want a frangipani tree of my own! Or a pomegranate tree... I love pomegranates... I could eat at least ten!

Anyhow... Nothing much happened, and if something did, I missed it, because I was sleeping. So... I don't really know what I should write about today. I'm not letting Inky out, either, because it can't behave!

I was thinking of taking up weaving again... I could weave a fabulous bisht! There's so many camels and goats here so that it shouldn't really be a problem! But if I had that bisht, and wore it outside this room... People would ask me if I quit again, even if my uniform was under it! People here are real nosey jerks!

I went shopping for tea... I bought so much! I'm probably going to forget to drink most of it, but at least I'm prepared for guests... I also drank some sahlab, I haven't had it in ages! It was so delicious!

I hate not having any gossip to write about!

But I love qishr...

Is qishr coffee or tea...? I think it might be both...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 23rd

Why do so many people think that I work on taxes?! I don't know anything about taxes! Stop asking about them! I don't even do my own, I bribe someone else to do them... I guess I could make it clear what my office actually does, but I don't think that would help, since most people here are completely oblivious! I mean, I've sometimes had to explain what the Stele can actually do like ten times in a row, after which people still haven't gotten it, so... Yeah. It's kind of embarassing...? It's really embarassing.

Another favorite topic of people: adventuring licenses. Yeah, you go ahead and try to pass those, and then wonder why a mob of thousands is trying to cut your head off... Also it's totally an idea that a million others haven't come up with before you did... It's totally original! People think about licenses way too much! I stopped counting my sales after I reached a hundred! I'm going to stop writing about them right now! Forever!

Since this week has been so slow, I'm just going to write about something that's been a thing for a few days... Xon has glowing eyes! I would be jealous, but people are being really suspicious and superstitious about it... I don't get it. You have people running around with all sorts of magical enchantments, some of which make them surrounded by literal fire, and it's the glowing eyes that make you go gaga...? Okay...? I think people are just looking for excuses to punch each other! Which they could do at the Krak's sparring ring...? I don't get it.

But here's something I do get: pistachio knafeh. Now that's delicious! I ate two plates of it! I would've eaten a third, but I have some self-control...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 24th

Nasreen hosted a gambling night at her estate! It was fun, though the game Engida taught us was so complicated that I just watched... Wyld-Turns-Walk or something like that. Too much math involved! I prefer my dice games without math! Actually, I much prefer games with a lot of skill involved... Like knucklebones!

HOW CAN YOU FORM OPINIONS ON SOMETHING WITHOUT EVEN ATTEMPTING TO PARTAKE?

First impressions make it easy! Also, that's everything I had to write about.

SOMETHING INTRIGUING MUST HAVE OCCURRED.

Nope! It was a really boring day!

THERE MUST BE SOMETHING.

I bought some new sheets and a duvet... But I didn't buy them yesterday, I bought them last week. They're really comfy. Maybe that's the reason why I've been sleeping so much... I had another vivid dream... I was flying on top of a leaf, and I landed in the Sea of Pearls, and a seahorse came along, and asked me if I had any tuna. Which is weird, because I'm pretty sure seahorses don't eat fish, especially not ones that are much bigger than they are. Also, I don't know if the Sea of Pearls even has any tuna in it...?

PLEASE WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

I met a cute guy...? His name is Pirouz, and he sells... cloth? Actually, I bought those sheets from him. He seems nice...? We have a date planned for tomorrow! But knowing how most men are... we'll probably meet just once, and that'll be it.

THIS IS AWFUL.

I know, right? When am I going to meet a guy that isn't just trying to get lucky?!

PLEASE STOP.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 25th

Thankfully Pirouz is taking me somewhere, because I'm so nervous... I wouldn't know where to take him, he seems like a real fancy guy, and I'm just a Scribe, he's going leave and then go "see you later Bashir" and we won't actually do that and if we do it'll be one of those really awkward moments where we both pretend not to see each other and try to just walk away but we'll end up going in the same direction and then I'll try to go inside a shop and he'll go inside too and we'll be forced to talk and it'll be awful and

CALM DOWN. IT IS OBVIOUS THAT THIS PIROUZ OF CLOTH IS VERY INTRIGUED BY YOU, AS IT WAS HIM THAT SUGGESTED THE TRADITIONAL SHARING OF FOODSTUFFS.

Fine... Supposedly the orcs have unicorns... But the details didn't make any sense! The more I heard about it, the more likely it sounds that it was a rhino, instead! How have these people never seen one?! Anyhow, rhinos are pretty cute too, but nowhere near as cute as a unicorn (baby).

FOAL.

Who cares? If I had a unicorn (baby), I'd raise it to be the most proper gentleman or lady and people would go "wow, Bashir's unicorn is so well behaved, he really knows his unicorns" and then I'd nod knowingly and so would the unicorn whose name would be either Hirsh if it's a boy or Leeba if it's a girl and it'd know unicorn magic and teach me unicorn magic and then

CALM DOWN. AGAIN.

Fine... Narwen wrote a poem about a cactus bird! It was very pretty, and it also had an important lesson... I think...? I wish I could write poems, but it seems really hard... I did write that one about coconuts and it was absolutely awful... Anyhow, I really like cactus wrens, they're really cute! And they're really crafty, since they can just live on cacti like it's any other plant. I wish I could live on a giant cactus, then maybe people would leave me alone!

DOUBTFUL. GET ME MORE ASTERABADIAN PHILOSOPHY.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 26th

As I don't really want to think about the utterly nightmarish prospect of Aaisha being fired, I'm not going to be writing about the trial or whatever it was, not that I could, because I don't actually know what happened anyhow! Instead, I'll write about something far more important!

Pirouz is such a gentleman! I was worried that he was going to take me to somewhere real fancy, which would've been awkward, because I don't really understand haute cuisine, and it would've been really obvious and really embarassing... But he treated me to some kebab instead! Some small place, ran by this little old lady and her son, in an alley in the Souk... It was delicious! I'm never going to tell anyone else about it, it'd get way too crowded...

Anyhow... We talked about so many things! The best thing? He didn't ask me about my job at all! Not a single question! Instead, we talked about perfume, about fashion, about cats... No matter the topic, he had a lot to say, and he wasn't afraid to disagree! Something that I absolutely despise is spineless little toadies... I hate guys who just pretend to agree with you on everything! Such obvious bullshit!

Then we went for a walk, and he showed me a bunch of places that I had no idea of, like this cute little tea shop... I just bought some noomi basra, because I didn't want to come off as too much of a fancy boy! A couple of book stores, an antique store... I saw this absolutely gorgeous glass bird... I'll probably go back for it, some day... There's so many places that I never go to because I'm too busy with this shitty job!

I had such a great time, and he seemed to, as well, because he wants to see me again, next week... And this is all so refreshlingly casual, too! Usually guys either want romance right from the start, or they just want to fool around, but this time...? He genuinely just wanted to get to know me!

I don't know, though... There's something that I'm just so uncertain of... I've never dated a guy with a moustache before. His is handsome enough that I don't care that much, though. I wonder if it tickles?

Maybe he can shave it off.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 27th

Lawcleaver quit, got kidnapped, accepted a deal from the creepy cannibals living down in the gutters, tried to kill Mevura... Then he got sentenced to be lion fodder!

FODDER IS PLANT-BASED.

Who cares?! Anyhow, I guess the cleaver got law'd!

SIMPLY DREADFUL. THE PLAY ON WORDS PRESENTED ON THE BELLOWS WAS FAR MORE CLEVER.

I really don't know why I let you out of the inkwell at all... Fine, ruin one of the few joys I have in my life!

Then, after that, we were making some amendments to the laws, and the Stele refused to cooperate! I hate that thing! Stupid slab of stone! Ugly, full of stupid runes! I'm sure it hates me as well! Some crazy brooker from the gutters used that moment to attack the Plaza, which the Fourth didn't stop, because they're idiotic pedants! I hate pedantry, too! It should be illegal! Then again, law is just a bunch of pedantry in the end... I hate the law!

YOU DECLARE SUCH PECULIAR THINGS WHEN YOU ARE EXCESSIVELY EMOTIONAL.

WHICH IS A RATHER FREQUENT STATE FOR YOUR BEING.

And...? If it wasn't, I'd obviously be dead, or something... Anyhow...

Domhnall is a drunk! You shouldn't drink and haste! He ran into a wall! If that kid who keeps showing up to see Marcellus... only to be disappointed... had been crying by that wall because of said disappointment... then we would've had a dead kid in the Pyramid! I've got a drunken clairvoyant and a senile grandpa as my bosses! Which is surprisingly common, actually, so maybe I shouldn't be complaining... Could be worse. In fact, it might get way worse, soon... Domhnall should retire from politics, marry Alejandro, and start selling his talents as a clairvoyant to make ends meet! His mental health demands it!

I hope that my new boss will be either Bea, Don or Hu!

Beadonorhu sounds like the name of a fancy sauce...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 28th

Alejandro took me to Lilly Tor! Lille Tór? Lily Tór...? However it's spelled, I don't know... Anyhow, seems like someone managed to get the rubble out of the way since the way inside was easily manageable. It's so pretty inside! Kind of hard to move, though, with so much foliage and flowers and roots and such, and I really don't want to step on any flowers... Which I didn't do! If I could live in a place like that, I would... Just a tower full of flowers, all to myself! And my husband! And our two cats! And our dog! And my unicorn pony! Which I would occasionally lend to my handsome husband!

Richo's looking for the biggest bee! I guess he could just get a thousand bees together or something, but he set his goal high from the start, and I have to respect that... I don't really know where the biggest bee lives. The biggest hive, obviously, but that is probably hidden somewhere. Like the biggest tree, on the biggest mountain, or something like that. Taking care of the biggest bee must be hard work, though, because it would obviously only settle for the biggest flower. The problem with that is that the biggest flowers I know of are all disgusting, horribly smelly monstrosities that eat bugs! I guess the biggest bee would have to settle for something smaller, yet still respectable in size, like a sunflower! Are sunflowers profane in the Wheel faith...?

HERE, I HAVE WHAT RICHO OF AYLOMEN SEEKS: B

Did you just tell a joke? What in the goddamn...?

Anyhow... Speaking of horrible, smelly monstrosities... Eclair showed me the most cursed ring! It was hideous! It also smelled awful! How does a ring gain such an odor?! It was the absolutely most awful bijou that I've ever seen! It does not even deserve to be called bijou! It was just trash! She wanted to give it to me, for some strange reason, which I don't get at all! I'm all about beautiful bijous, not their very opposites... Anyhow, she did apologize, and I forgave her. I just don't understand why anyone would want to give me something like that.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 29th

Royal Dragon is so much fun! I just wish we had more games like it. Like the one in Il Modo where you have to get three matching lights! We should get a device like that in the corner of every establishment and tax the profits! It's so addictive that the treasury would reach a few millions within a week!

SOMETHING ABOUT THIS SEEMS MORALLY QUESTIONABLE.

Oh shush, people would love it! I know I would! Also, since people seem to have no problem with scorch, despite it being injected with a needle the size of my wrist, and most likely leading to an explosive death, we should just have state run scorch dispensaries! "Scorch explosion sweeper" would be just one of the new jobs created by this effort!

OH. YOU ARE ENGAGED IN THAT EMOTIONAL STATE WHERE THE DEMARCATION BETWEEN THE GENUINE AND THE IRREVERENTIAL IS SO UNCLEAR THAT IT IS NOT CERTAIN WHETHER YOU ARE BEING SERIOUS OR NOT.   

Yeah! I do that a lot! Did you just get here?! Anyhow... Lately, I've been so sleepy... I blame my bedlinens, they're so comfy that I don't want to get up... I also blame my job, it's so horrid that I don't want to get up...

GET UP. GRAB A MISWAK AND PUT ON A LITTLE MAKEUP.

Fine! A little...? Even my most understated looks involve a lot of makeup! Looking like you didn't put in any effort requires a lot of effort...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Subat 30th

Some lady kept falling asleep in public, and convulsing on the ground, then it turned out that she can also summon ghosts while doing that... So they had her on trial for doing that at the Hope! The Fourth handled it really strangely, so now she's Ariel's ward. I mean, keeping her around sounds like a constant security risk, so I don't know why she wasn't just kicked out of town... I guess her curse could be treated, or you could, I don't know, turn her into an elf so that she never falls asleep again.

THE WELL OF EPHIA IS A STRANGE PLACE, ATTRACTING ALL MANNER OF STRANGE INDIVIDUALS, AND THE EVENTS SURROUNDING THEM. NOTHING OF THE SORT OCCURS IN MY HOME.

You live in an inkwell!

YES.

I suppose we should all move inside inkwells then to avoid such strangeness... Anyhow... There was also some poetry reading at the Verdant Stage, before that. There were so many different poems, and all of them were great! Except Gaston made it weird! What a weirdo... I mean, he does keep dead bees inside his bag, for some reason, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised.

MY INKWELL HAS NO DEAD BEES INSIDE IT.

And speaking of bees... In his quest for the biggest bee, Richo is going to start from the smallest bee, and keep asking bees where the next biggest bee is, until he finds the big bee boss! I wish I could talk to bees. That seems like such an useful skill to have! I could ask them where the flowers are... and I guess I could ask them if I can have some honey as a snack... and I suppose they know a lot about navigation and such. Maybe one of the druids can teach me how to talk to bees...

MY INKWELL ALSO LACKS SEIZURE-PRONE SOMNAMBULISTS HAUNTED BY GHOSTS!

Fascinating!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Adar 1st

Zain gave me a lot of liquorice! It's so tasty, and it made me feel so good and energetic that I could barely stand still! I mean, that's difficult for me already, but it made it even more so... Also, I'm pretty sure it made my dreams more vivid and weird, because I dreamed that I was coquelicot... I mean the shade of red, not the flower... All the other shades of red were jealous of me! Anyhow... Pirouz hasn't given me any candy, yet! Granted, we've only met twice, so he has plenty of time to do that... And granted, I only eat candy once a week... But if he doesn't, I'm going to be so angry!

Richo's search for the biggest bee has me wondering... What kind of bee is it? Because if it's a bumblebee, then you could shear it like a sheep! Using what I assume to bee fur, you could make a bumblebee fur coat! And a bumblebee fur hat! If this is possible, it should bee made the official Scribe uniform, because I want a fur coat like that, and so many people call us bees anyhow. Which is meant as an insult... but it's kind of a really shitty one, because bees are cute, hard-working and an important part of the natural order! None of those are negative traits!

The three candidates for this election are Ariel, Domhnall and Sephidra! I'm not sure who I want to win... Domhnall's quirks I've gotten used to, but his gun waving and volatile rhetoric have me scared that he's going to shoot me! Ariel's calls for more transparency sounds like a lot more work... I don't want more work, I want less of it! And as for Sephidra... She'd probably go exploring in the Pyramid's basement, open a sealed broom closet, and release some ancient evil that's possessing a really old... sponge. It'll throw itself against people and be really annoying!

Anyhow... Who are the Pounder Brothers?

And how do I get a date with them...?

CEASE IMMEDIATELY.