The Book of Big Bash

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 14th, IY 7789

Keys... A key here, a key there... Keys everywhere! I have so many keys! I don't even know what half of them do... Granted, a lot of these came from Martin, so, they probably don't open anything at all. Which kind of just makes them key-shaped objects, instead of actual keys? I don't know.

Like, this one key, I was trying to figure it out, and turns out that it opens the closet that I never use. Inside the closet... a tiny, locked box! So, I had to find the key for that, too. And you know what was inside the teensy box...? YET ANOTHER KEY! It's crazy! Well, Tonka was inside it too, afterwards, because she deemed it a great place to nap. I wish I could nap inside tiny boxes...

Anyhow, no, I don't know what the key inside the box opens! It'll probably be an endless loop of opening stuffs and things, so, I'm not even going to bother finding out, because that'd be pointless! I should just have most of these keys melted down... because a big ol' lump of metal's more useful. Probably. I could give it to a smith!

Yet there is a tiny chance that one of them leads to great treasure! What a conundrum! Maybe I should solve like, ten of the keys each month? That's a casual enough pace...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 15th, IY 7789

Lately, Inky's been grumpy, because there's not a whole lot of new stuffs and things to read!

I AM INCAPABLE OF EXPERIENCING THIS STATE KNOWN AS THE "GRUMPY"!

Sure... If it weren't for Amélie's latest poem, I'm pretty sure you'd gone crazy... Can't just read tacky tabloids! The poem, by the way, was most grand, even though it was really sad. I only got to read it this very day, because Inky kept hogging it to themselves!

MINE BEING IS NO HOG!

Now you're just being purposefully obtuse! I invented that maneuver! Anyhow, now the poem will go into our poetry scrapbook, which every member of our household engages with in some manner... Granted, Magnifica and Tonka just sleep on top of it. Thankfully, they've warmed up to each other, of late, so, no fighting over whom gets to sleep where. Then again, it was just Magnifica, starting fights over something so silly!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 16th, IY 7789

I barely understand half of Haknar's schemes... Okay, I don't understand them, and it's less than half. Is that a double negative? Whatever. I just don't get them, is all, because they're so confusing. Also, I'm not sure at all if his name is Haknar or "Hacknar". Like, he writes it like the latter, but says it out like the former. Can't hear the "c" at all! It's mighty peculiar. Granted, the "c" might be silent... At least there's a guide for like, everything, now.

Reminds me of the time I was going to write tiny guides on how government works... I wrote one page, then threw it in the trash after realizing that nobody would even read it! Like, you could have like a big ol' sign, that says "THIS BOOK TELLS YOU HOW GOVERNMENT WORKS", with a big ol' arrow pointing to a big ol' pile of books, or a bookcase, I don't care, and you'd still have people asking how government works, while standing right next to it.

That's not an exaggeration, it's something that happens at least weekly... Just without the big ol' pile of books...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 17th, IY 7789

Who chooses my Efuddy word of the day?! It's constant disrespectful drivel... or words that I've never heard of! Like, half of the time, I have to ask Inky for help... since they're the equivalent of at least a baker's dozen of dictionaries. Is that cheating? I mean, the board is in a library, so people probably peruse those books all of the time while playing... So, no, it's not cheating, because I say so!

Oh well... At least it's still a pause from work. I hate being stuck at the office, and that's where I am, most of the time, now! Got to be present, even when there's absolutely nothing going on... That's the nature of being middle management, I guess. People call me "boss", but then I have a ton of bosses above me... And they all delegate stuffs and things to me so that they can sleep at night! It's awful... Especially when they think that I don't know what's going on. But I guess I play into that.

Still haven't found nary a bolt of silk for my colleagues out in the Scald... And I've looked everywhere. Most insulting thing is when these caravaneers "donate" it, and then nearly immediately want it back, afterwards, when they realize just how useful it is, beyond its great beauty!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 18th, IY 7789

Since I'm stuck at the Pyramid so much, I've done a lot of gazing from atop the landing platforms... I used to go there to smoke. Anyhow, they're a great place to see most of the town... They say that on a clear day, you can see forever, but the only thing I can see is desperation! What a dump! Oh, and occasionally, I can see the Shade, scintillating... I don't like thinking about it, though. Couldn't they have come up with a less creepy form of shelter?

I guess it can be relaxing, seeing the hustle and bustle of folk, going about their daily lives... But I just get kind of sad, in the end, because I wish I could do more for them, but I also know that I can't actually do that... Town's just too full of crazy folk, and they happen to be the ones pulling the levers! Just... not actually doing that, because it'd get their hands dirty, instead of their souls, and they prefer the latter!

Wish they'd just transfer me elsewhere, already... Maybe from Baz'eel, I could actually let the folk at the top know what the Well needs? Then again, they'd just ask... "what the fuck is Eddie's Well"... and then shove papers regarding camel statistics on my desk. Which, you know, horribly dull, and awful, but still, less of a chance that some crazy lunatic ruins my day, or just ends my life.

Tried spending more time atop the Divan, too, which is kind of a tiny little Baz'eel, in a way... The bottom of it, anyhow... But a lot of folk kind of just stared at me, and it was obvious that they were wondering why I'm there so often. Can't have anything relaxing!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 19th, IY 7789

Who ate my qurabiya! When I find out whom it was, they'll never hear the end of it! I was really looking forward to it, too... It was my weekly bisquit!

Oh well... Cogsworth showed me his lounge. It's for wizards. Lounge wizards. For an eternal bachelor whom just eats sandwiches and nothing else, he did a surprisingly good job! Only thing missing from there is some nice paintings... and carpets... but carpets are so annoying to order, around here! I guess the paintings have to be of famous wizards, though, so, they're not exactly nice according to my criteria... One of which is flowers! Can't have a nice painting without those! I suppose there's flower wizards... More of a sorcerous thing, with the fae, and all... I wish I knew flower magick.

I hope that he gets plenty of visitors, and that said visitors don't immediately burn down the lodge over some petty disagreement, even though that's what wizards do!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 20th, IY 7789

How embarrassing! I was handed some outdated papers and made the wrong announcement... Awful! Then again, it seems like nobody of worth cared at all. Oh well!

This election's weird, because I'm just helping everyone else handle it, instead of handling it myself... Mostly means that I bring folk lunch and make sure that they have plenty of pillows. Now, get this, that might be a demeaning set of tasks, if it weren't for the fact that it gets me out of the Pyramid! And if I stop to gossip for an hour or two while taking care of business, then that's just pure happenstance, and in accordance with my contract and its many clauses!

A lot of my colleagues have peculiar preferences, though. A few of them claim that they have a "pickle allergy"... meaning that they can't have anything pickled... which I know to be complete and utter bullshit! So, due to the immense respect that I have for chefs and any and all service staff, I don't even bother asking about said pickle removal!

And! And! Get this... The pickles have remained in place for a year, and nobody's noticed! It's complete nonsense!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 21st, IY 7789

The big ol' problem with having such competent and diligent colleagues is that now I have to constantly give them bonuses for such good work! I wouldn't mind that much, if it weren't for the strict bonus budget... I guess I have to sell a lot of dresses to raise it further. But I guess I have to engage in the psychosexual philosophies, and figure out just how much money keeps a Scribe sated! There has to be an optimal interval...

I hate what this business does to me! I hate the optimal... and I hate budgets!

What else...? Oh yeah, it was Colibri Day. Something like that, anyhow. I don't get what the birds have to do with it... Anyhow, it was all about letting go off memories? So, there was a lot of sweeping and note burning involved? Inky hated it. They were so distraught!

SUCH AN ACCURSED DAY SHOULD BE STRUCK FROM THE ANNALS OF HISTORY!

Oh, calm down... It's not that bad... Okay, it's like, having your very reason for existing, being cut into tiny little ribbons, but... Okay, I guess it's fine if you're really mad about it. Anyhow, I think I enjoyed the sweeping part more than anything else, because I got to sweep Haknar's dog! What a clean little pupper he was afterwards! Again, I don't get why it's called "Colibri Day"!

Oh, and Haknar's dog ate a big ol' sign. His teeth are mighty!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 22nd, IY 7789

Mani is now an "Exchequer"! I don't really know what that is. Judging by Inky's explanation, it's just a fancy word for treasury. So, she's a walking, talking, negotiating treasury, I guess? Kind of peculiar. Should call the office that, and her title could be like, "Chancellor of the Exchequer". That's mighty fancy! But I guess people wouldn't really get it. They don't get it now, either, but... Actually, I'm not sure at all what I'm trying to say, here!

Anyhow, her wage's higher than mine? I still make more money, because I have a baker's dozen of jobs, but, it's still kind of demeaning. But it's not like I have much room to negotiate my contract... I don't really want to sign any more of those, after the big ol' mess this one landed me in. But the thing is... I've learned this lesson countless times, of late: more money means more trouble! Especially in the form of negative attention... So, maybe it's just fine.

At least I have a far simpler title! It's easy to understand! Really explains my duties in an instance! Except... people still ask me what I do. Then I explain that. Then they just ask again. I think brain damage is the most common ailment of Ephia's Well! A trepanner could make a killing, here... Just, you know, don't actually kill folk? Which is a thing I never understood... Trepanners kill most of their patients! Why's it a legitimate profession? Still can make money off it...

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 23rd, IY 7789

Selwyn blew up their home! Well, half of it... They're not a responsible homeowner! I was kind of thinking of asking them to be my flatmate, at one point, but I'm glad I didn't, now? Like, I love Selwyn, as a friend, that is, but like, if you're just going to blow up half of your house, right after you buy it, well, you don't make for a great flatmate... It's simple facts, really!

I don't really even know how they managed that... Are they storing weapons of mass destruction in there, as part of their duties as a Nadiri? Because I don't think they should be doing that. I think such weaponry shouldn't exist in the first place, but what do I know? If I was High Zenithar, I'd have them focus on actually important things, like developing a more resilient and plentiful citrus cultivar... I need my citric acid!

Also, Cogsworth thinks that we Scribes can't afford a single ladder... Complete nonsense! We even have an entire office, dedicated entirely to ladders, ladder accessories, ladder statisticks, ladder facts, ladder fiction... I don't go there much, though. They're a plain peculiar bunch. Which makes total sense... You focus too much on one singular thing, and things are just bound to get plain ol' weird!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 24th, IY 7789

Designing labor uniforms is a lot of... labor... Oh, that's just embarrassing. Anyhow, it is a lot of work, because I can't use the finest of materials, because then the laborers of the Well can't afford it! With this one, I'm just making use of cotton, leather, dried reeds... a few feathers... Oh, and beeswax!

Yes, beeswax! It's locally sourced, too... Because I got it from my own home! Richo's bees, you see, are hard at work, each and every day, every single moment, even... So, I've got an abundance of pretty much everything bee-produced. Well, relatively. My home still doesn't have as much flowers as I'd wish... But still, I have beeswax, I have propolis, and I have honey! Just a little  honey...

The uniform is meant for the canal workers of the Osmani canal! I hope that the beeswax will guard them from the worst of the working conditions there. At least the wetness... It's real humid there!

Oh, and I'm sure that Richo won't mind... The bees do have to pay their rent somehow! Having so many flatmates is costing me a pretty dinar!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 25th, IY 7789

What a grand affair the Fashion Show can be... I really liked what was on display, this time around! So many contestants... Maybe if I offer... mini-courses... here and there, we can have a true abundance of contestants! Yeah! That'd be most fabulous! Fashion belongs to one and all, and the more fashionistas there are, the more examples of its endless permutations we will be able to see! How grand!

Banana's offering was unsurprising, as obsessed with hot pink as she is. It was a hot pink dress! The hottest of pinks... I did like it. Could've used some more subtlety, though. And those pumps! They should've been a completely different color! It is strange, though... She did insist that her attiring herself in the hottest of pinks is merely a coincidence, and it was all that she had while she was forced to flee her home. Yet here she is, fully entangled in the pink, again... Maybe it's one of those things that you don't realize yourself.

Manijeh took part, too! She did a mighty fine job! I did like her second piece more, though. The pants, though... Not too sure about those. She was going for subtlety, yet it was a little too brown for that. I guess brown can be subtle? Just not in that particular hue... It's very inspiring to see my colleague compete!

Cogsworth, though... He brought a towel to the show. A towel! That's not an euphemism for anything, and it wasn't like, as if he made an entire outfit from a bunch of towels, no, it was just one towel... Granted, it was a mighty fine towel, supple and soft, but, still, a towel. That's pretty avant-garde! It surprises me... How can such a sandwich scarfing bachelor be in touch with the nouveau? It's mighty peculiar.

There was a lot of food, too... But I'm on my diet. I did taste Nigel's steamed buns, though. Just a little spoonful. It was very tasty! But even that tiny spoonful made me feel guilty... A diet has to be strict!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 26th, IY 7789

It happened again! For months, I had been pondering what to exactly do with the "Mango"... So, this month, I decided to finally finalize its being... no, just design, being is too pretentious... Anyhow, I deemed to be daring, so, I added pockets! A dress with pockets! It is simply wonderful, even if I say so myself...

It's just that... as usual... the dress took on curious properties after we started producing more of it! It has me shaken, really. Why? Because the pockets keep filling up with mangos!

It's not like, a constant deluge of mangos, or anything, one pops up every now and then, but it's still mighty peculiar. I had a taste, and it was very refreshing? Didn't sate my hunger any, though. And like... there's no seed? That big ol' seed? It's gone. Which makes it far easier to make refreshing mango drinks, which, of course, I immediately proceeded to do. Again, very refreshing, but I was still thirsty, afterwards? It's weird.

Like, there's nothing really awry with the mangos, other than those pecularities... They're mighty fine mangos... I'm just baffled, is all? Where are these mangos coming from!? Is there a mango dimension, full of ideal mangos? Is that where all mangos originally come from? How do I visit? Or is it just for mangos, and mangos only? I have so many questions!

Oh, and I did give Selwyn one. They're going to share it with Cork! A shared mango is the best kind of mango!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 27th, IY 7789

Announcing tallies for most orcs slaughtered is just weird... But there's nobody else that wants to do it, and I need to get paid! Even with how peculiar the orcs are, it is mighty macabre, and I feel kind of guilty, doing it... But again, I need to get paid.

It's not the strangest job that I've ever had, though. There's a bunch more peculiar... Like the time I worked as a travelling cloakroom attendant! Like, the cloakroom I was attending to travelled, and so did I... I thought that it was just a scheme to avoid paying booze tax, but turns out that my bosses were locking folk inside the ramshackle speakeasy, and then they stole the coats and whatever was in the pockets! Granted, it was weird, being told to leave so early, and just leaving the coats unattended, which was very much against the job description, but I was really young, really stupid, and really, really, really intoxicated, most of the time.

I wish I could get paid for more pleasant things... Like floristry!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Nisah 28th, IY 7789

What a curious election... Sure, there's the usual silly business, like a bunch of people running around the Well, shoving bags full of money to complete strangers in order to buy a vote! I do have to wonder if such is done anywhere else...? Like, you just arrive to some shithole town, and they immediately make you a citizen in the hopes of swaying an election? It's a mighty peculiar way of doing things. I'm surprised that the Well hasn't blown up, by now, due to such practises...

But then there's the new weirdness. Like, we we're going to blow up the edict board... Well, we weren't going to do that, but we we're going to have an auction to allow someone else to blow it up, for charity? You know, for a good cause? Since the board was like, dangerous, since some weirdo gnome brooker handled it! But then Moretti and Komemnos threw some edicts on it without telling us? So, this is like the setup to some crazy hijinks, but those hijinks didn't even happen because Sayburgh blew up the board. Or someone affliated to her, I don't really know.

So, we didn't even get to do charity. We just have a pile of splinters, now!

And that's mighty weird, but then Banana and Vellum walked in with a goat? A sacrificial goat? They were going to sacrifice it in order to grant Sayburgh good fortune? That's just fucked up. I tried to save the goat, but it didn't budge. I wish it had just ran away from all this, to safety... I don't know what they did with it, in the end, and I don't want to know. What's wrong with people?

And yeah, Sayburgh's the Legate now... I really hope she's like, the kind-of-corrupt-yet-strangely-benevolent Lily, instead of the crazy kind. Like, helps the unions, while pocketing a little for herself? I'd rather have that than someone that supposedly supports the labor force, but thinks the best way of doing that is by giving them a ton of scorch, and then they pretend that it was a joke because they're afraid of taking responsibility for their actions, because they're basically a giant baby in a toga?

Laborers don't have it easy around here, so, me wishing for even that is just a sign of the times...