The Varied Writings of Abbas Alamouti

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Dear Uncle,

The pickle juice works! Sorry for doubting you, and thank you for the recipe. I'm still not sure if I believe that you got it from a giant. I don't even know what sort of giant would gift you such a thing, really. Again, sorry, but it's just a lot to take at face value.

The giants here look much like your prior descriptions. The "Wellfolk" tower over everyone, dress in ancient garbs and seem to hide their faces behind scary masks. Maybe that's actually their face, I don't know, and I apologize if that is the case, but it truly is kind of horrific. Also the air around them is really humid! And yes, unfortunately, they seem to be in grave danger.

I know that your work is very important, but the neighbors complain a lot. At least get someone to look at the acoustics. I'll do it for free if the cost is the issue!

With lots of love,

Abbas

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Better Tanglefoot Bag

The problem with the regular old tanglefoot bag is that it still allows sinful heretics to invite violence upon your form via throwing knifes and other such disgraceful implements, or they can just outright cut themselves free from the tangle! My improved tanglefoot bag doesn't allow any of that. Okay, so, I need to still perform some live tests but I'm pretty sure I've got it figured out. Also, it needs a catchy name. Maybe just like an acronym, like Better TangleFoot (Original). Or "Parafoot Bag". Names are so hard to come up with!

Improved Rake and Shovel

Okay, so, these are great. I perfected every single aspect of both form and function, I'm really proud of the alloy, so, any laborer using these will perform their job far more efficiently and safely! The problem is that tools like these aren't a big money maker, at least not at the scope that I'm making them! You need to mass produce them to break even, and almost nobody ever gets excited about better tools. I don't get some people. Maybe I can sell the plans to some big corporation back home and use the money to start a ranch for orphaned camels.

Featherweight Cauldron

Eva says that these are a real big seller. Relatively, anyway. I'm far more fascinated with the alloy. I'm pretty sure I can perfect it so that it can be used for other stuff, too. If I can manage that, it'll change the whole world... of tools!

Skinning Knife

It's a skinning knife. It's not even better than the commonly found design on the market! It sucks camel eggs!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Toil ever long, 'til dreams peculiar halt
My labor, by the beast of scalded pit.
Plead meekly: "Do be kind, cease your assault",
And so they left, without need of a writ.

This is so difficult! How does uncle do it?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 10th, IY 7789

I stayed up all night to witness the trial of the century... in Ephia's Well. Law's real complicated even though it's basically all about guilt or innocence. I'm kind of glad that I only ever did one law course, that's all I need really, and even that's for the sake of business! I wouldn't want to be a barrister it's a whole lot of bother and too much responsibility but I guess plumbing has the latter too.

One of those mafiosos sat behind Orin and made a bunch of vague threats, in fact it was the guy from before who escaped from jail? Nobody seemed to care besides me, Orin and this new Scarab, who managed to arrest the heinous villain. Now we're on a mission to solve this case and save the Well, okay, so, Orin is, I'm kind of just there as moral support. With Orin you kind of have to keep him focused on the matter at hand otherwise he just loses focus. Mum says I have a deficit but I'm not nearly as bad.

Oh and I almost forgot the verdict of the trial made everyone mad it was a real doozy! Assigning the worth of one thousand dinars to a person is simply sinful so I don't like it either. I don't really know what sort of judgment would've fared better though?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 11th, IY 7789

I lost my limited edition Mastiff Gloom Card somewhere I don't know where it went! May Izdu forgive me for such thoughtlessness! It was really expensive too maybe I should've just donated that money to charity. I don't know what cards to use for the tourney now. Not that the Mastiff's great but it's still an okay backup because I don't know how many people are going to compete? If it's tens of people then you need holos and good ones!

Famous Shum Sheroy is in big trouble! He's got everyone so angry because... well, okay, so, I'm not sure if he actually doesn't feel guilty or he's really bad at phrasing things, I think it's the latter and he just keeps saying the most inappropriate thing possible. He should go to a charm school or just have elocution lessons but then again he can't afford any of that now because he owes a great debt to society and in more ways than one!

Orin still hasn't finished making Orin-Os.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Suggestions for Orin-Os Flavors

Rhubarb Rush

Lemon Lime Lagoon

Orange Oasis

Sticky Date Pudding

Carob Crush

Breadfruit Bonanza

Funky Durian

Banafsian Banana Bread

Coconut Comet

Pomelo Power

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 16th, IY 7789

I didn't win the tourney! I didn't even make third place. Orin didn't fare much better. In fact, he did even worse! How are we supposed to get the Ladder Gloom Card now? The big mobster will only play against us if we have a card as rare as it! The Wine Card's worth at least fifty thousand dinars or something like that I don't have any money.

Okay I have some money because I sold most of the cards that I had for the tourney but nowhere near that and neither does Orin we're both poor students. Poorish. Comparatively.

That card's an important clue because it'll lead us to the kingpin of the Ladder Mafia because he owns the card. Okay, so, the Wine Card becomes the clue because that will lead us to the other card, now? The situation's changed and it's all so complicated much like all big crime mysteries. I feel like a detective because Orin doubted me about the card being important but it was and now he's on the right track again even though he doesn't have enough money for the caravan. That's a metaphor.

Orin must save the city and develop the Orin-Os and possibly pay tuition I don't know Jamileh paid for mine and she seems richer than Orin even though she has horrible massive debt now?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

All strangers, naught but friends yet to join hands,
With which to guide, to spurn the Stolen Sun.
The journeys by them, past these burning sands,
Endure in Song, recalling all hence done.

Slightly better. Slightly. I think. I don't want to ask uncle for help, he'll be so critical!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 17th, IY 7789

The Fourth Legion broke the ANCIENT COLOSSI ORB that they use to vote around here. They've got me fixing it up with some guy, some guy named Pro Bono of Il Modo. I haven't seen him though. Mostly I was just waiting around to see if the Builders get up there because they're real particular about absolutely everything. So, it's a weird gig and mostly just inspecting and waiting. Also I'm not sure if they're even paying me, I hope they are, I need that money for charity and also my education.

Since it's an ANCIENT COLOSSI ORB, doesn't that mean that the Colossi used to vote, too? Or maybe someone retrofitted it for a new purpose. Maybe it was used to vote for the soup of the day in the past. I don't know.

I hope that I can fix the ANCIENT COLOSSI ORB before I leave to visit my auntie and mum and dad and maybe uncle if he's not at some mystic summit, those always take forever. They're making up some law where you lose your citizenship if you leave for too long? The mayors and scribes are that is, I hope it isn't a week, because that's how long I'll be gone for and it'd be real cruel. Actually they can't even do that because I'm a citizen of Baz'eel and only the Sultan's most trusted can revoke that!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Qdim 31st, IY 7789

Visiting mum and dad and auntie and uncle was great and auntie even has a girlfriend which is a rare occasion because she's usually so picky also how does she even have time from all her inventions I hope this new lady is really patient? I'm happy for her and them and I'm also happy that I got to see a dolphin down by the Edutu and we had a jolly old time which gave me a ton of inspiration and in the future all auto-sails will be inspired by the hydrodynamic qualities of the humble river dolphin! Okay so maybe I don't know sounds great though.

Uncle sleepwalked on the roof again okay so roofs plural because even the neighbors got some of his nocturnal roof wandering it was kind of embarrassing but apparently Izdu granted him some curious wisdom from the beyond and now his latest prophecy will be his greatest yet? Maybe? It's going to have at least a hundred stanzas I think that's too much.

However I forgot about the Parade and I feel so embarrassed no wonder mum wanted me to stay longer it stinks because I wanted to see all the uniforms. Though it seems like a lot of people forgot about it in the Well too and only Ibrahim reminded me of it he gave me a spiteful prayer of the Wroth for the hammam! I hope I'll get plenty more you must pray before you wash and you must pray as you wash and you must pray after and then you must pray some more when you get home. Only through piety can we know community? Okay maybe not at least the Stonefolk seem to be doing well enough for themselves.

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 2nd, IY 7789

I'm so busy with school that I barely have time for anything else other than sleeping and eating but I'm still not desperate enough to eat in bed that is most sinful. It is all because of my thesis it's a lot of work editing it into an actually readable form! I hope that people appreciate it when it's finished and maybe I can get a stipend?

I met a preacher from Il Modo by the name of Sephoni and she seems nice for a heathen yet the kind hand presented can often hide the dominant hand of aggression or something like that anyway but I hope she's actually as she appears you never know with the Modini I hear they teach them political stratagems straight from the cradle and it's a big cradle too and shaped like a ship and all the babies live in it. I think that's nonsense though at least the communal cradle part that's just crazy. Anyway Sephoni seemed evasive about her family maybe she's an orphan? B'aara weeps for all orphans big or small short or tall may She guide her as well if such is the case!

I think Orin wants to make a human battery I think that's sinful why are wizards all so weird?

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Tesrin Hray 9th, IY 7789

A lot has happened in the past few days like for example some brave heroes ventured forth to a cursed volcano and uncursed it well kind of and there was a phoenix living inside and they saved the phoenix and its chicks which is great! Some mystics say that the world was borne out of a phoenix egg but I don't know about that it doesn't make much sense how does the Wheel figure into that but then again I'm just a lad so maybe they know better. I wish I could meet this phoenix and ask three questions because that's how it always goes in the tales anyway and you just get three questions and not one more. It must know a lot of ancient lore!

Also Orin finally finished the Orin-Os with the help of Igor and the ratfolk. I'm kind of disappointed and trying to hide it because even though they're biscuits you have to snort them? I don't want to get nose decay so I won't be partaking much in the Orin-Os after all the waiting and I don't want to show Orin that I'm disappointed because I want to root for him because then he'll use that motivation to become a billionare and maybe I'll get some money too and I can buy a workshop of my own and then I can make all sorts of useful inventions for the good peoples. Okay so maybe. I don't want to be greedy it's just that I don't have a lot of employment opportunities I mean even this plumbing business is paying very little now!

I've even been studying the Builders and learning their techniques but that's not helped much careerwise and also I don't have wings and well they kind of can just fly to the ceiling so if a ceiling leaks they have a major advantage I can't carry around a ladder with me at all times and the ladder beacons don't just call forth ladders because if the mafia hears that you're using them they'll come after you? I want a job!

[Fabulous Secret Powers]

Dear Mum and Dad,

I finally graduated from the Sandstone College. Out of all the schools I've gone to, I rate it the absolute worst! Pardon my language, but it is simply the truth. They have a lot of books, but that's about it. I guess there's the dusty basement full of junk for the more archaeologically inclined, but for engineering there's nothing! Well, there is the workbench Mr. Ahmad got me, but he paid for it out of his own pocket, and he's not even part of the faculty. I'm very grateful about that, however. May he and his house be blessed!

I'm pretty sure one of the personnel is studying how to make rabies worse. It's awful! Those poor dogs!

To answer your question, no, I've not heard anything from cousin Sepehr. Even though I forgive him for his countless misconceptions, I have to admit that I am quite glad that I have not run into him, for he is a most shameless sinner! Yet the Gods obviously forgive him for such, so I shall endeavor to emulate them and do the same. The influence of Ephia's Well over him and his peers does not fill me with confidence regarding any doctrinaire development, however. In fact, Arslan might just get even worse! Uncle went on a hour-long rant regarding that. I agree but he really could've been more succinct.

I have to apologize, but I've not met any potential husbands. All the men here are — and I apologize again for my directness — plainly peculiar or peculiarly plain. The only prosperous gentleman I know of happens to live with rats, and is obsessed with cheese! He is very affable, though. I just worry for his prospects regarding romance and marriage. I suppose uncle is kind of happy, so, maybe the life of an eccentric celibate is not so bad. Obviously not for me, however! I am going to marry rich and buy you two a massive mansion!

With lots of love,

Abbas